Name: Ep 463 - Cedar Point (feat. Tony Hinchcliffe)
Uploaded: 2023-10-11T19:57:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 463 - Cedar Point (feat. Tony Hinchcliffe)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 463 - Cedar Point (feat. Tony Hinchcliffe)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-11. Transcript available.

Ep 463 - Cedar Point (feat. Tony Hinchcliffe)

All right, we're here. Welcome to Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Shane did
last week.
I'm here with Tony Hinchcliffe, dude. Hell yeah. In this pro-ass studio founded
by Josh Capazza.
Thank you, bro. Thank you, sir. Thank you guys for doing this, man. This is
fucking awesome.
Hell yeah. It's nice, dude. It's nice of being a pro setup like this, too. I
always...
Makes me turn it on. You guys are normally on, like, a slouchy couch or
something like that.
Clouched in. We have an old microphone on a couch. You're like, uh, it works,
though.
Yeah. It does work, but, dude, thanks for doing this. I appreciate it. Of
course.
We're moving downward. I was telling you we got settled in. It's, uh, dude, the
flight was interesting
because we flew with two kids, two dogs, and my wife, which was, like, I had
talked about it the
week before, and we had ordered, like, a vest, like, dog vest. You know, they
put the fucking,
like this shit on them. Fake service animal vest. And my one dog's going blind.
So, like,
he, we were walking through the airport, and people, I might just be paranoid,
but, like,
I think there was people, everyone in, like, a U.S. air vest or whatever I
could have sworn
was, like, sussing my dog out to see if they were legit. Right. And I had to
act, like, like,
do, like, pro dog trainer shit. It was, like, the most stressful fucking, it
was terrible.
And I, I like the microdose, too, so I took, like, my little mushroom microdose.
Dude, that was intense, man. That's a lot. Does it, does the blind dog have,
like, the creepy gray
eyes? He's getting them. They're getting cloudy. So, and I, you know, and I was
trying to, like,
act like he was all legit, and I would watch him about to walk into shit, and I
would have to pull
his leash, so I was kind of, like, leading him through the airport. Just a
reverse service animal
situation. I just had to get him here. Blind dog with a seeing eye man? Yeah,
dude, for real. He,
and he's, it's like his vision's going. He ate 14 chocolate cupcakes last year,
and dude,
it fucked him up. Yeah. He's never recovered. He's, he's ate some gnarly shit.
Like, he's
accidentally eaten mushrooms before. Damn. A little tiny bit, but he, we, yeah,
he's, he's been
through the ringer, but the chocolate, the chocolate cupcakes were on him, for
real. Yeah,
that'll fuck him a lot. Dude, it fucked him up. Were they edibles or just
normal chocolate cupcakes?
No, these are chocolate, regular chocolate cupcakes. Chocolate frosting? No, it
was chocolate cake
cupcakes, and I think specifically for dogs, theobromine is, like, there's
caffeine, and
then there's theobromine, and theobromine just wrecks dogs. Yeah. So, he's
going blind
now, so. Damn. I know, I feel bad. At least, I, you know, we got him down here.
He loves
the sun, so he's just been laying in his sunspot. Yeah. So, he made the trip.
That's what blind
people love. The blind people love the sun. True. The feeling of the sun. It's
gotta, it's gotta
be the best, dude. Yeah. Well, he, he was born, we rescued him, so he was born
in North
Philly and was just, like, circling, like, a YMCA eating trash. So, it's just
crazy. I
always look at him, like, damn, dude, you're in Austin. Yeah. Who would've
thought? He
made it. Who would've thought he'd make it out of the hood, dude? My dog fully
made it
out of the hood, eating trash. Yeah. Now, he's eating, like, probiotic pup
treats, laying
in the sunlight in Texas. He has no idea where the fuck he is, but. Yeah. It's
amazing.
The flight was cool, though, man. It was, it was fun, man. We, uh, we actually,
we had
to ask someone, like, we'll just ask someone to switch seats with us so we
could all, like,
sit together. It's fucking, uh, it was Bernard Hopkins. Oh, shit. Yeah, it was
the executioner.
So, my wife's like, yeah, like, I was pretending to be a dog trainer, like,
throughout the airport,
so I'm walking around, and my wife's like, yeah, they're saying it's, like,
some guy, he
was, like, a boxer or something. Like, I'm just gonna talk to myself, and I was
like, dude,
shh, please stop. Don't say anything. Yeah, dude, he would, dude, he's the
nicest guy in
the world. He was coming down here, I think, to do Rogan's podcast. Yeah. One
of the all-time
greats, the executioner. Yeah, dude, he was super nice, super gracious to, you
know, he was
like, yeah, no, he was actually, he's allergic to dogs, but he was just like,
yeah, and I was
like, fuck. He just felt like the biggest asshole, and dude, it sucked. It's
like, I'm allergic
to dogs, but not actual service dogs. He's just sneezing and coughing. It's
actually
a legal ADA requirement. It's illegal for you to be allergic to these dogs.
Yeah. But, yeah,
that was a trek down here. Two little kids, two dogs, and just fucking... It's
crazy when
B-Hop, who's been hit tens of thousands of times, has better eyesight than your
dog. I
know. I know, dude. And especially my wife was like, I'll talk to myself. I'm
like, dude,
please don't start talking shit to this. She has no idea who he is. Like, I'm
gonna get
my ass kicked in the airport with my fake dogs, dude. Yeah. Do not talk shit to
Bernard Hopkins.
She's like, this black guy has quite the attitude sitting next to us.
Yeah. My wife's black, dude. She has the attitude.
Oh, that's right. Yeah, so she would have popped off. She would have went and
popped
off. It's not like a white lady going up to an old black dude. This is a youngish
black
lady going up and popping off, dude. Oh, shit. She has no fucking respect, dude.
I should,
you know. Damn. Sorry. But either way, thanks for doing this, man.
No, of course. Pumped. Yeah, man. So, how is it down here? Is this good,
you're saying? I love it. I love it. It's the fucking best. Everything that,
you know, I spent almost two decades in Los Angeles and I thought it was great
until the shit hit the
fan. You know, when you're at a place and COVID shit or was it just like that
and political stuff,
George Floyd riots hit my neighborhood specifically. Yeah. All that shit that
was on the national news.
That was literally my street. Like, that was my actual little, like, I'm
talking about like a 20,
30 step walk around the corner was third in Fairfax. Damn. Especially. And that's
it. Those,
those cop cars that are on fire and everything, that's literally, I mean, I'm
talking about not
like people say like, ah, down the block. Oh, I live, I live a walk away. I'm
talking about like,
oh God. I'm talking about like a 15 second walk. All that shit. That's my Chase
bank. That's my
coffee shop. That's my Whole Foods. That's my Trader Joe's. How dare they? Yeah.
Yeah. I lived
right on the other side of that. Oh man. Just on the other side. So, you're not
talking about just
like a harsh vibe. This was like. Gotham City. Seriously bad shit. Oh, all the
way. We had it,
we had it in Philly a little bit. It was like a couple of the cop cars did get
like torched and stuff,
but it wasn't, it wasn't as bad as this, what it looks like, but it was pretty
gnarly. It was
part would have been like the, like the struggling actors being out there and
being like, get the
fuck out of you. Oh, exactly. Oh, they were all fucking, they were in the
tornado position in their
homes. These cowards, me and my buddy, uh, Rick Cossack, who was, uh, my
longtime neighbor. And he's
the camera guy for the Jackass movies. You see him all the time back there
throwing up and fucking
getting fake cum thrown on him and shit. Oh man. But anyway, we were, we were
homies and we were very
close as neighbors and the whole thing was happening. You know, those are all
daytime pictures.
So what you're seeing there is like 3 PM, 5 PM. That's the sun out. What you
don't see is what
we saw, which was, we went out for a walk at fucking eight, nine, 10, 11, 12.
And it was like
the craziest shit you've ever seen in your entire, every single inch of
everything was covered in
graffiti. And people without license plates were just pulling up and breaking a
window that was
existing of a business that we all know the owners of. Again, that's our dry
cleaners.
That's our barber. That's our coffee shop. That's our cupcake shop. That's our
blind dog cupcake
shop. And to watch it happen and to know the owners and to know what they went
through and
then they built it and then they were thriving and then there's crash or fire.
You know, they
lit the Trader Joe's that was literally, there was just an alleyway separating
our apartment building
from this Trader Joe's. They lit it on fire. It is funny thinking about all
those dudes in Hawaiian
shirts being like, ah, dude, stop. Ah, dude, seriously. Yeah, later Trader Joe's,
that's.
Yeah. Come on. The cheap shit's just flammable. Kind of a hate crime too, dude.
It burned down
Whole Foods. It's like, all right, dude, that's kind of politically motivated.
Yeah. But it was
crazy to see and it kind of like ruined it for us. I don't know what it's like
to have
like a wife get raped in front of you. Yeah.
But I'd imagine this is like 3% at least. I'm afraid there's some guy that's
watched
his wife get raped listening right now. You don't even know what it was like.
Oh, that's
a good sign. Don't use that as an analogy. I watched my wife get raped. But
what it felt
like, you know. If you're out there, that's terrible, dude. Yeah. Although it
is a good
thing because that is, that's where that's starting to go. Yeah. It's like as
soon as everything's
on fire, it's like the next thing on everyone's mind is like, let's go get some
motherfucking
posy. Yeah. Let's go get some motherfucking posy. But all it takes is one time
of watching
your actual neighborhood like have that happen to it. That's what I learned. A
lot of other
people, you know, that didn't live in my hood stayed and they're there and
whatever. They
rationalized still enjoying Los Angeles. Yeah. I had more like, I would look
outside and I'd
see a bunch of like stocky lesbians trudging up my street and I'd be like, what
the hell are
these guys up to? And then I was like, oh, okay. And I saw them, you know, mine
wasn't
that, that bad. Right. But there were, there were like the firebomb. I would
talk to guys
who were down there at those firebombings and like, yeah, that was fucked up,
but it was
kind of cool to see. And I'm like, well, it's pretty fucked, dude. That's not a
good, you
know. Yeah. Especially if it's that widespread. It's like, because Philly keeps
having, you
know, lootings and all this stuff. And it's like, dude. Yeah. Just, you know,
the gig's
kind of, I had to reschedule a theater there for the first time in my life. A
couple of
weeks ago, the flight, um, got delayed by four hours. All the backup plans were,
um, New
York, New Jersey, um, Baltimore. And that was the day that they all flooded out.
And then
it's like, okay, we were going to get a jet for the first time ever. And I'm
like, okay,
I'll just fucking break even, get the jet. These people need to laugh. And then
my, uh,
our, one of my, my openers, Cam Patterson's dad flew to Philly and got there
super early.
And he's like, it took me three hours to get from the airport to the hotel
downtown. And
this was at like one 30 PM, but everything was so fucked up in the afternoon
that it took
him three hours during the main lootings that are happening there. So we're
just like, fuck
it. We're not, it's impossible to fucking make it. So we had to reschedule a
theater
because the lootings in Philly. Yeah. People just letting people take shit. It
was the Apple
store. Although someone was brought, Meatball was brought to justice. Did you
see the story
about the, she was like an influencer? It's like a 21 year old chick who was
filmed herself
on camera, on social media being like, fuck yeah, we're here. She got caught
right away,
obviously. Oh shit. Yeah. Her grandmother chastised her though. Her grandmother
went on camera
like, this is bullshit. We shouldn't be doing this. Damn. Meatball. Yeah. I
mean, dude.
Yeah. And that was in Philly. Th