Name: Ep 464 - Not A Fireside Chat
Uploaded: 2023-10-19T17:32:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 464 - Not A Fireside Chat' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 464 - Not A Fireside Chat' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-19. Transcript available.

Ep 464 - Not A Fireside Chat

The wow, wow, Wes.
Here we go.
What's going on, dude?
It's good to be here.
Just having a regular chat, dude.
Just no big deal.
Nothing to do with Fireside.
Normal chat.
We're here with our new and real producer.
True.
Josh Kavazza.
Josh, dude, what's up?
How you doing, man?
Other fucking Josh Kavazza.
Gardini, LaMare, where the fuck are you guys?
It's crazy to have like an actual producer.
Yeah, dude.
Totally legit.
Look at that.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
Yeah.
All these two fools fiddling with a camcorder, dude.
Two stoners fucking around.
Eating chips.
Dude, I've been waiting, dude.
I've been down here.
I know.
Every night.
Wondering if you're looking at the same moon.
I'm like, he's probably going to be down there.
Yeah, meanwhile, I was just.
Oh, fuck.
That was fun.
It was fun to get down here.
It's totally disorienting to be in a different place.
I've never.
Brittany always makes fun of me.
She's like, you've never moved.
I was like, I went to Philadelphia from Delaware County.
Moving far away is so sad.
It's so sad and scary.
It's so scary, dude.
Yeah, I was telling you, I was crying, dude.
My fucking family.
I left my family dinner.
I looked at my brother, looked at me, and I was like, see you guys.
Goodbye, guys.
Yeah, I didn't quite cry.
But driving from the airport, getting here, I was like driving through.
Just because there was traffic, I was like, fuck, I fucked up.
Fuck, this was a huge mistake.
I want to be home.
That's the issue, too.
That's the thing.
I'm a catastrophizer, so anything that's gone slightly wrong, I'd be in my car
like, I can't
do this.
I can't do anything.
This is all fucked up.
Everything's fucked.
Everything's wrong.
I need to go home.
This is a mistake.
That's been the last two weeks of my life.
Just go any friction.
I go, I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I cried when I got to Spain, dude.
That was a big move.
I just laid in bed the first day.
Movers should help you with that.
They should cuddle.
People who, yeah, they should finish moving your stuff in and then hold you.
Hey, man, you want a hug?
Yeah, you don't want to jerk you off?
No, I don't need to hug, dude.
Thank you.
And they go, come on, let's hug.
And they go, for real, dude.
Don't hug me.
Yeah, that'd be nuts.
Yeah, you can fight them a little bit and finally give in and be like, fuck.
I'm so sad.
I'm going to miss my mom and dad.
Dude, get off.
Get off me.
I saw my dad, like, mom and dad, like, once every four months.
Yeah, true.
It's not going to be a big change.
True.
But you're far.
The difference between three hours and here is not huge.
True.
You know?
With the flights and whatnot.
That's true.
Oh, yeah, you've been in Philly the whole time.
Yeah, I've been fucking going anywhere.
I was just sitting in Philadelphia the whole time.
I thought you lived in New York.
Since I was 18.
I lived in Philadelphia since I was 18.
Wow.
Yeah, then I moved.
I told you I walked past a, I was in the airport this weekend when I was trying
to get to Spokane.
And I had to connect a flight and I saw a Philadelphia flight and like a moth.
And I literally started to walk towards it and was like, that's not your home,
dude.
Oh, that's so sad.
I started just like a dog walking towards it.
And I was like, where are we right now?
I'm in Denver.
I have to get to Spokane.
Dude, not knowing where you are is the weirdest.
It's fucked up.
I was late because I was, I was with Chappelle all week.
Not big deal.
But then, not big deal.
I just had to tell you guys where I was.
That's whatever, dude.
Oh, by the way.
All right.
Let me tell you about that.
So I was with Dave Chappelle is filming a new special.
It was pretty cool.
I think I'm allowed to say it.
Yeah, I think so.
People were there.
Yeah.
But he filmed it at where he filmed Killing Him Softly.
So it was like, it was pretty sick.
Yeah.
And then they were like, Dave wants you to open.
I was like, yes, I'll absolutely be there.
And then I get there and I'm the first opener, which is fine.
Yeah, totally fine.
Obviously fine.
The other two was, it was Lunell and Earthquake.
Obviously, I'm number one.
For sure.
And then I get in there, but because it's a taping, they have to start on time.
So they're like, all right, seven, get the fuck out there.
Dude, I go out to 30% full, all black room, with lights on.
No one's in their seats.
People are just, the whole time, people are just walking in.
Everyone's, I fucking, every single show, I fucking ate it like you wouldn't
believe.
And I just had to stand there like, hey, what's up, guys?
People were just, I would make a joke and people would for real be like, no.
Oh, no.
You know how ISIS is cool, right?
And I was like, what?
And of course, it was this past week.
So I'm up there like, I support the terrorists, honestly.
That's what sucks.
You're like, I'm not changing my shit, dude.
You guys figure it out.
That was my only saving moment was I would finish it and be like, I understand
this isn't the
best week for this material.
That would be a laugh.
That's pretty funny.
The only laughs I got was making fun of my own set.
People were like, yeah, you do suck, dude.
I was like, guys, you don't know.
I'm actually pretty good in the white community, but.
Yeah, you should have given up if you're wearing sunglasses inside for some
reason.
I'm just playing around.
I'm just kidding.
It's fucking weird you do that.
No, I do it all the time.
I get it.
Yeah, but ever out to dinner at nighttime?
Look, that's one thing for sure the black community has right against the honkies.
True.
Sunglasses inside fucking rule.
At nighttime, too.
It's a dark club.
True.
You can't see.
What's the point of it?
You just can't see anything.
Yeah, but no one gets a good read on you.
I might start doing that.
Going out to dinner with my wife.
Sitting same side in the booth, sunglasses on.
True.
Don't talk to her once.
So sorry, what were you saying?
Oh, I had to go from the taping straight to Kansas City.
So I went from D.C. to Kansas City, and I got there at 7 o'clock when the show
started.
Like, my flight got delayed.
I had to drive straight to the show, change in the green room, and go right on
stage.
And while I was on stage, I was like, where the fuck am I?
Like, in my head, while I was talking, doing stand-up, I was like, what?
I don't know what city I'm in.
I was like, oh, yeah, Kansas City.
It's disorienting.
It was very disorienting.
Dude, I get it.
It showed in the set.
Really?
You came out of here.
I think so.
I was like, hey, guys.
Yeah.
I got, I had the weirdest.
I didn't have, like, a panic attack, but I had, like, the beginnings of a panic
attack.
I was on my way, walking with Gardini to one of the shows in Spokane.
I was totally sleep-deprived.
So I'd been drinking, like, coffee.
I went out and ate a lot of food and stuff.
So I'm, like, feeling kind of fucking weird.
Yeah, you're wailing it up.
I was wailing, dude.
I am the wail.
I was having a fucking, like, just, like, feeling kind of weird.
And then I spilled water.
I opened a water bottle, and the water got on my hands.
I was trying to get the water off my hands, and I was like.
And they wouldn't stop being wet.
And I'm like, what the fuck's going on?
And I didn't, I forgot.
I had fucking put lotion on my hands.
Not self-care.
It was like, I had obviously used it for self-care.
And I was, like, sitting there.
I'm, like, freaking out my room.
I was just, like, my hands felt dry.
Wait, why do you have, oh, it was just in my room.
It was just in my room.
It was just in my room.
I obviously masturbated with it, but I just put it on.
And you're attributing this particular lotion to the time you were drying your
hand.
I, for, it was, it was, it was, it was the truth.
It was the truth.
I had obviously self-cared, and then it was, like, I was, like, my hands are
dry.
I was, like, just, I was sitting there doing nothing in my hotel.
I was, like, have my hands always been this cracked?
I was, like, something's fucked up with my hands.
And I put lotion on them.
I was just all sleep-deprived and bugged out.
Put lotion on.
Forgot I had put that lotion on my hand, which I don't like that feeling at all.
I'm walking.
It feels like you're wearing, like, leather gloves.
It feels weird.
So, like, I get water on my hands, and I'm, like, why is this the fucking water?
And the lotion was just, like, melting and, like, coming off.
So, I'm, like, what is this stuff on my hand?
And I was, like, about to freak out.
And I was, like, am I fucking making this all up right now?
And I was, like, oh, I have lotion on my hands.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
We're retarded, guys.
Gardini's, like, talking to me.
I'm, like, yeah, for sure.
Fuck, I might have to fucking call an ambulance, dude.
I'm freaking out.
That is a bad feeling, though, when you ever jack off with hotel lotion, and
then someone's, like, you smell good.
What is that?
Oh, no.
And you're, like, fucking body wash.
I just started using.
They're, like, here's around my arm.
It's like, that doesn't smell there.
Oh, no.
It's because I was double-fisting lotion.
You talked about before how they fucking, like, bolted into the wall.
They bolted.
That's the worst.
It's always, like, come on.
Dude, you know I'm trying to take this into the bedroom.
Don't make me get up and walk with a boner from the bed to the bathroom and go
back again.
Please don't make me do that.
Oh, they make you do it.
They do.
You got to get a massive handful and head back.
You got to get a snowball and head back to your bedroom.
Dude.
What do you got to do?
You get a snowball and put it on your chest.
Like a painter.
It's just my balance.
I mean, I just like how God made your fingers so they store extra lotion when
you need it.
True.
Fucking pop that out.
All those little ribs.
Yeah, right.
They're lotion holders, dude.
Yeah.
That is truly the only time I really go hard with lotion.
Oh, man.
In a hotel room.
Yeah, you have to.
What a disgusting place.
Dude, I was talking to Gardini.
There is no worse feeling in the world than leaving a show and then just
quietly sitting back in your hotel room at nighttime.
It makes you freak out.
I don't know what.
I've been trying to like all weekend.
I was like, whatever, dude.
It's all in my head.
That's why I've taken to the bottle.
Dude, it's totally understandable.
Taking to the bottle after a show is very fun.
Numb yourself out.
Because I will leave stone sober from a show and then you sit in a room by
yourself and you're just like,
Jesus Christ, something's wrong.
Yeah.
It's fucked up.
It's all the truthfully, it's just the adrenaline of.
True, yeah.
It's a real weird adrenaline crash sitting back in like a shitty hotel room in
Spokane, Washington.
Like, yeah, I'm going to try to get this Netflix to work on this hotel TV.
God damn login's not working.
I know.
Who the fuck's on my Netflix?
I get freaked out because I go, I'm just, it's a blank canvas of time and I go,
well, what do I do now?
And I go, I'll watch a YouTube video.
I know one thing I can do.
That's the, that's the fucking.
Or eat.
All right.
I'm like a baby.
I'll eat.
I'm like, we're all feed.
Then you whale out.
That I am the whale.
Have I ever said that on here?
What my, my bastard niece did to me?
I hate her.
There was the thumbnail for the whale was on TV at my sister's house.
Of course my sister told me this.
Really?
Oh, she just, she didn't even say to you.
I wasn't there.
That's fucked.
My sister called me to go, hey, just so you know, our fucking three-year-old,
my three-year-old
niece was looking at the television queue and the thumbnail for the whale was
on, which
is just his fat fucking face.
It looks a lot like me, especially.
No, I swear to God, it was just his face.
If you're three years old, she goes, Uncle Shane.
I got the phone call and it was like, hey, just so you know, Zaza, I thought
you were
the whale.
I was like, all right, well, thanks.
I just said for real.
I was like, all right, good call.
I'll talk to you later.
Thanks.
I haven't talked to yo