Name: Ep 466 - Daddy's D
Uploaded: 2023-11-02T21:31:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 466 - Daddy's D' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 466 - Daddy's D' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-02. Transcript available.

Ep 466 - Daddy's D

the wild wild west i'm wearing my represent realist in the game you have to how
could you not
obviously his his merch is probably the sickest dude represent realist in the
game represent
wearing the represent shirt into a starbucks this morning was pretty weird
really yeah what were they i look like a moron why what am i representing i
would say
represent yourself dude are we going all right no that's good you put off your
motherfucking they do it represent is the sickest merch but not when you are
visibly out of shape
you can't represent it feels weird like representing represent who you think
about
representing i represent notary fighting irish i love the notre dame fighting
irish god oh i see
true so you're like don't look at me right now guys guys i'm a poor reflection
of notre dame's
program please i'm poor reflection of the nick diaz army right now also i was
wearing these gray sweat
pants again without underpants with the boner not a boner i mean close to him i
mean a tiny boner
that's perfect i know i nubbed out in the restaurant yeah yeah damn it's so it's
nice your dong's been
defying gravity just a perfect float matthew and i did the cold plunge
yesterday and my god matt almost
caught a glimpse matt came into the the room where i was changing and almost
caught a glimpse i was close
what would have been one of the gnarliest teenesses you've ever it was the
smallest your penis can
possibly it's it destroys the adderall penis mine was great mine was i i was
like rebirthed
yeah people do like rebirthing no you can like there's guys that do like a
certain type of breathing
where someone coaches you through re like experiencing your birth what are we
doing well that i oh if i i
caught my penis and i dude i think it's real because i looked at my penis and i
was all of a sudden like
i had like the umbilical cord around my neck i was like oh god that penis was
uh yeah yeah
joe still has a unit you notice that i didn't look you didn't look i i thought
to look no i swear to
god in my head i went you should probably see the fucking the thing i was like
go look in my head i
went dude don't don't do it i literally my head i was like look at his dick and
i was like no don't look
in his head gaze upon st rogui's penis dude it's the hog i feel like he would
appreciate us giving him
props on having hog props he's got a nice hog yeah he's got a decent dog post
fucking cold punch
hog dude and i caught a vicious glimpse because i was he got out he got out i
got right in so he was just
standing next to the club and i was in there like i was quivering oh man it's
just huge that might have
boosted you for that extra 30 seconds that was the extra 30. that was the
warmth i needed
that was the fight or flight you see a hog like that you're like
i mean dude for real that is like that is a mental how bad is that sauna dude
dude so all right
i'm talking about give you a little glimpse can i please talk about me and matt
went through the
roguys a light workout yesterday he gave us a nice one can i please i have to i
before i forget about
this and i do want to talk about that dude how comforting is it to see daddy's
dick dude not see
it but like see daddy's dick bulging up his other pants what the i'm saying
there could be a part of
your like psychology daddy's dick you know your dad comes down in underwear
yeah it's got to be a part
of your boy psychology that like sees your dad it does take you back a little
especially while you're
in the cold plunge and yours is yes prepubescent that's what i'm thinking about
and you go damn
someday i'll be there i know i'm 35 but someday i'll be there there's got to be
a part that is just
like everything's okay dude there's a giant bulging dick at high level right
now i'm okay i'm safe
that's all i'm saying now we can talk about the sauna dude uh that's all i'm
not trying to be
weird we're not trying to be weird we're not trying to forgive us forgive us
brother sorry these are
nothing but compliments uh okay yeah the sauna was scary yeah dude i thought
for sure i had that on
lock i was like this is not bad i was very happy for the first couple minutes
when you're like i'm
like an iguana this is nothing to me i was just sitting across from you like
dude you have no idea
i thought it was 10 minutes you have no idea what's coming towards the end of
10 minutes i'm like all
right i'm seeing double eyes i had to like strain my vision 20 minutes at 185
is what he keeps the
sauna and it's so bad dude dude i couldn't breathe i started you were i was
telling you i was breathing
through my nose and it was my boogers were hot yeah i had hot lava for my boogers
your hair your
hair is dude that was so hot that was me it hurts to touch your hair yeah dude
i was going like this
and going what the why is my hair so hot then i'd look at you guys and you'd be
double eyes and i'd be
like yeah this is nothing like you're not gonna die you're not gonna die you're
like i know
dude i was dying oh my god waterless i was waterless dude it was a mistake i
didn't bring
any water with me i gotta stop doing that yeah i'd load up in the morning you
see me today dude
this bottle's like two weeks old ice keep you filling it out of my fridge that's
good
well that's eco-friendly it is actually very um eco but yeah dude that was
scary dude
yeah like i thought that was going to be the easy part and the plunge i was
like that's what i'm
sana is definitely the harder part dude that's up the cold plunge though when
you get out does
i i went there i went to rogan's studio a while ago and i put my hand in the
cold plunge and i was
like i'll literally never do this yeah ever then you get in there you see the
hog you go i gotta
be a man i gotta be a man i gotta do this dude my penis will get big someday
and uh yeah you gotta get out dude it does give you
it felt like molly it felt like i was on like you get out and you're like it's
bliss completely
blissful yeah yeah i got although it's like i get someone rick moranis my hog
you get out it's like
honey i shrunk my hog dude honey my hog has been shrunk my hog was in the grass
and ants were just all
big walking over it i was like run everybody get out of here yeah the hog
although the hog comes back
the hog re-emerges yeah i mean you know i was feeling sexy though it's all
relative hogs
you feel sexy today after you got out of the cold book i did i did dude i felt
a little sexy i felt
sexy and i felt so confident too i felt sexy and confident dude for real i come
i come out of that
thing and i'm like i was driving my car and i was like i'm like a real dude i'm
like not a figment of
my own imagination driving home was nice dude i was so confident yeah that's
that's actually funny you
say that because i really was driving like i'm like a legitimate human being
and i was just driving like
yeah i'm not just a collection of neurotic yeah so thank you to bore off though
then i got tired
i was like i got so sleepy also that's another fib they say they're like you're
gonna be feeling great
the rest of the i was that first show last night i apologize to everybody that
came to the show you
really think it was that bad it was pretty bad the first show i was like asleep
oh yeah yeah that's all
yeah what can you do and then the uh bottom of the barrel woke me up dude that
was fun that's so
funny i like i like that the default is just the worst thing i can think of you
pick a topic you're
like what is this best school fight columbine that was also hilarious though
yeah that was all i could
do to be like well let me tell you about a school that knowing the name the
date and time was perfect
um but no that was that was fun last night was fun standing up stand up was
nice it's fun i'm always
worried i'm telling you drive a new hour and i was like this is so good and i'm
looking at it now and
i have to like do it a lot and i'm like i have to do it tomorrow i need some
tweaks so do i i have to
do it tomorrow where are you going alabama madison wisconsin wisconsin wisconsin
alabama you're big
ten i'm sec no dude can you please elaborate on the uh spy coach yes i'm so
happy about it also now
if we're talking college football yes my condolences to colorado they do suck
now i feel bad about
trash do they suck yeah they kind of suck there's too much pressure on them man
there was a lot of
pressure they got robbed this week what happened no not like on like literally
somebody went into their
locker room and stole all their it was probably the coach of that team yeah it
was probably
stallions from michigan dude he's a secret agent man he is a secret agent for
real i do my paws are
used to the colorado buffaloes i take it back uh they got a lot of college
football
news dude i was at the texas game really oh they can't i got to fire the cannon
at the end of the
eyes of texas awesome it was uh i was i know i make this joke a lot but i am
like i'm fully
like a make-a-wish guy at these things dude they brought me into the pen with
bevo the longhorn
this giant longhorn and they're like you could touch him i was like i literally
i asked i went
and i was like am i allowed to touch the pool i was afraid of it i got in there
i was like this
if this thing moves i'm dead it's horns look like that like that like it's six
feet is it friendly
he's he almost looks sedated oh yeah he's chilling yeah but i got in color you
wearing i was like am
i allowed to touch him i was wearing black i know how to dude thank god thank
christ i wasn't wearing
my red my bright red shirt i go in there like yeah you could touch him i walk
up to the side of it and
just go i got away from it i touched it i didn't even bet it i went i scanned
into a top secret room i went
and then they were like we want you they're like shoot the cannon i was like i
don't know
i was i was pretending i wasn't terrified of this can true it's so loud and
then uh did you have plugs in
yeah dude let me fire the camera crazy and i i fired at the end of the eyes of
texas which is their
fight song which is their racist fight song by the way is it really no it was
take it back i love you
yeah allegedly it was allegedly but i don't think so gotcha i said i'm firmly
against it i've done no
research i'm pretty sure it's not true they're smiling eyes at texas they weren't
like grimace like
who's that guy hey what the hell are you doing around here
fired the cannon went it went smoothly that's tight yeah what's the mechanism
you just it's
so easy it's like a pinball a pen pinball thing like you just pull the for real
yeah it's that easy
that's all i thought there was a rope involved that i was gonna have to talk
like a tiny fuse and
so you just for real just go pop yeah it's kind of cool it was neat and if i
just you're ripping
gunpowder yeah just a blank they gotta send a ball yeah you gotta send a ball
it was aimed right at
the byu section just light up those mormons they could i guess they couldn't t-shirt
ball i think
that might have happened in texas and what mexico i think people were lighting
up the mormons
really yeah oh yeah didn't mitch romney's family get all yeah
didn't they beat his ass in mexico yeah he was getting too much no i think mitch
romney has a
his grandpa had a compound down there he did yeah they were living i remember i
heard about that i
kind of like mitch romney's dad had a bunch of like that i like her they like
brought that out
to be like look at this weirdo and i was like he's got a kind of comes from a
religious compound
in mexico that has a ton of beast mode yeah it's absolutely he was actually mitt
romney ended up yeah
yeah no mitch is better mitch romney mick romney uh the title of that song uh
was taken from
confederate general robert e lee and uh apparently they would perform it in
blackface sometimes whoa
well they're firing that cannon it could be an accident
get covered in soot and be like yeah are they sure it was blackface or it could
have been soot this is
ap news i don't know this ap news is a lot o