Name: Ep 472 - Howard and Sam's Secret Podcast (feat. Howie Mandel & Sam Tallent)
Uploaded: 2023-12-13T22:49:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 472 - Howard and Sam's Secret Podcast (feat. Howie Mandel & Sam Tallent)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 472 - Howard and Sam's Secret Podcast (feat. Howie Mandel & Sam Tallent)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-13. Transcript available.

Ep 472 - Howard and Sam's Secret Podcast (feat. Howie Mandel & Sam Tallent)

the wild wild west hey guys sam talent has a big major announcement yes uh matt
and shane have been
kind enough to allow me to put my next comedy special on their platform it'll
be debuting here
december 26th uh it's called the toads morale and you can watch it right here
on the mssp youtube
page thank you very much i can't i can't speak highly enough about sam's
ability as a stand-up
comedian i know i'm very it's very nice of you guys both you're great we're
honored to have you on
our thanks page yeah watch it tell your friends watch it and share it that's
the point december 26
tell everybody i'll probably do some gay watch party about it but you have to
do these things
also see me at zany's first weekend of january
thank you guys of course man that'd be awesome it'd be a very funny podcast
appearances just sleeping
because of howie mendel sleeping on the couch yeah just sleep dude wow watch a
jew nap yeah
people don't do that just watch jews sleep they don't they used to but it wasn't
sleep
yes they would uh it was a final rest there you go the ultimate nap well i'm
already sending you
down the wrong road oh no no no no no we're not gonna go that's the road we go
down no i know
they question shadows and photos oh we did we start already oh okay you didn't
know i didn't know i
know oh we've been going to have this exact same conversation before we start
talking about you
sleeping every time are we on yeah yeah is there an opening no no no we're
right in i like that yeah we
don't this is so weird this is a beautiful home i don't know that you talk
about this being your home
yeah but it's a beautiful like custom home that seems really expensive except
you got a fake
the fake fireplace why is it why would you have a fake i have no idea but that's
like
it's like a beautiful home and then they they tossed in their fireplace with
fake jewels but
like i mean you live in texas now where everything is like the barbecue is real
like you gotta light
a fire to have a barbecue and the reason i asked you i just walked in and i
said are you moving you
you have a lockbox still like that's oh yeah i just moved yeah just moved in
but why wouldn't
they take off the lockbox do they know you moved in because the lockbox i
genuinely i'm not sure
because shane what are you doing is this the house you bought i think yeah no
because you realize
you know what a lockbox is yeah so that your key is in that yes and the real
estate company
has they can like they could keep we could be sitting here on your podcast and
there could be a
showing that'd be wonderful there was a plumber that came in when i wasn't here
we used the lockbox
i keep it out there i get locked out a lot he doesn't lock the house i don't
lock the house either
yeah why are you broadcasting that why the are you probably shouldn't say that
that's a dumb
well i know the address and i'll be auctioning it off to the highest bidder so
hit me up and you're
at that and and just sitting here and meeting you in person is an honor for me
because i think that
you're one of the funniest people yeah and and do me next yeah i was gonna say
well you're not
i don't know sam i'll be honest with you i'm not really aware of you but i have
a feeling
no sam's really great really great author decent comic but his writing jeez you're
an author i'm a
comedian who dabbles in the literary world he just before they turned this on
you were you were you
were talking about he was being nasty that's what you said you were talking
about your book i wrote
who was being nasty right so why are you why are you putting that down i'm not
i'm very proud of the
book but i've been doing a lot longer the book's called running the light it's
about an old road
comic guys you probably worked with up there in the wild west circuit running
through calgary and
winnipeg well i'm canadian but i didn't do the i haven't done the calgary winnipeg
circuit i'm a
lot older than you do we might have to put a barrier there might be a fight i
know i'm being sincere
i know what's the calgary circuit uh i don't know i figured you guys went out
there and you like
performed in like you know big pits where they had barbed wire around it so no
one could get in
it's canadian comedy yeah canadian comedy i have no idea what your book is what
you do well that's
math his book is genuinely really running the light yeah like going on past the
light that's right yes
like in a comedy club right yeah it's as if he was past his prime but yet he
won't
he won't stop this curse that he bears yeah it's really it's shocking how good
sam is as a writer and
he's very smart yeah and it's even better on stage i can only imagine really
selling and you were also
i remember when this is perfect is this good is it going well i don't think i'll
say the intro was
bad i as soon as you walked in i immediately extended for a handshake i think
you thought i was
security correct move it's not an incorrect move i think i'm the i'm the bear
you know as my therapist
always says howie nobody has to live in your world you have to live in theirs
bobby's world
bobby's world was huge it meant so much to me as a young man oh yeah especially
out west yeah where
it always looks like rain yeah yeah bobby's world was uh yes it's paid well
dude is still on bobby's
still on dude it was so good i think i don't know where it is i was on i wanted
a tricycle so much
but i was too fat for a tricycle yeah i was too fat and my legs were too long
do you know that you can
get like adult tricycles it's huge tricycles i was like five years old sir i
was i was chafing
already was uh i was telling matt that was it came on every single time when i
had to leave for the bus
in the morning and he had to ride a special bus yeah they had a lift on it took
a while yeah
but i i i you're on a special bus no i like the thing you do about your is it
your nephew uh uncle
your uncle i love that thank you that's a that's brilliant thank you very much
and i just love your
facial expressions and yeah i got it it's an easy you do it's not difficult for
me to morph into that
isn't that right yeah i find that it's coach i couldn't stop there it is yeah
he's chode switching
i really hadn't coached watching yeah yeah that'd be funny if we did that you
know there's podcasts
that sometimes you know they use blacks i don't know if you know this but i
switched in and just like
try to eat the statue have you ever like approached a woman with that i mean it
truthfully yes i mean
by the time if i'm drinking a lot yeah i'm there oh yeah if i get drunk my face
is that and i've
definitely only the only time i've ever approached a woman is if i was drunk so
i was making that face
hey yeah and that doesn't work no no not doing great really no and then
sometimes he'll have
like a big lump of skull on his lip and it looks like he's hiding legos in
there
for winter yeah exactly big holes yeah you don't want to take them away she
wants to get down
yeah yeah down syndrome that's what i was doing as a oh there you go there you
go we're we have
uh we have a thing about living in someone you know the whole living in someone
else's world i got
i had to shake hands with a man this week i was at target this guy came up he
was like hey fan goes to
shake my hand his hand was covered in lotion oh it was the most lotion of it
like it was like this
got just jacked off oh like what else would that be for and then he was like
hey could you talk to
my friend on my phone real quick his phone's covered in lotion he was a super
nice guy but
satisfied another satisfied customer at target did you check his other hand
no but let me see the other one he shook norman no but he can i touch your dick
to see if yeah
if it's what i think it is that guy was jacking off at target and then he was
like oh there's jane
what aisle were you in oh uh christmas aisle uh that's yeah yeah yeah it's the
holiday season it is
he was jacking off on all the ornaments those are tiny tim just like lubed up
jacked off
did you mention it like i would have mentioned it you didn't say anything i
didn't mention it no why
i because it was really uncomfortable and he was excited and i didn't want to
he was very excited
but i didn't want to be like why is your hand lubricated what's all over your
what is all of your
hand what's all over your hand yeah what are you covering a terrible psoriasis
you're covering me in
it was a lot and he'll go i'm moisturizing and you'll go why didn't you moisturize
the other hand
yeah yeah true and then i could have checked the other you know what's going on
let me let
me touch where your penis meets your balls that's that's where it gets that's
where the lotion stays
that's where you go you go i got everything off i don't what is that part
called
the perennial duct you are a writer you are an author thank you he is my wife's
also a doctor
so she knows about areas it's actually called the perennial duct the perineal
duct i think because
the perennium is your taint the where your penis meets your ball perennial
means it's that strip
back no no no i'm talking about where your my penis doesn't go down to the
strip but i'm talking
about where your penis rests on your balls i think like the absolute midpoint
between balls and the
star mine doesn't even rest it looks like a third eye in the ball's forehead it's
like it's a sniper
have you ever i used to talk about this in my act but i remember i used to have
you ever sat naked and
just put a pair of like sunglasses on your dick you put it you sit you put a
pair of sunglasses like
those what do you want to do the bit yeah why and then and then and then you
take a cigarette or
something and you put it between your wow dick and your nuts wow you hold it
they'll hold the cigarette
you have glasses that's really no it is and then when you when you when you
move up when you it looks
like it's it looks like it's samuel jackson oh yeah that's a great no i've
never thought of it i've
never done that you did it when i was a kid i used to talk about it in my act i
talked about it in my act
it's a true story so i'm doing it in my room i've got the thing yeah i didn't
have a friend so i made
one and so i put the i put the glasses there and i had a cigarette yeah in
between i'm going like and
the cigarette moves it's great you'll i know that who's ever watching this is
going to try it oh for
sure everybody's going to do it i'll tell you some other things i did but my
mom walked in my mom walks
in she walked in and i was like that and i just like froze and i you know what
she says to me
you smoke she made you smoke the whole pack no she was more she was more perturbed
that i had a
cigarette instead of sunglasses and i was talking to my own nuts yeah yeah why
is that well you're being
creative i mean did she know you were like a weirdo already i didn't ask i just
were you mad at me
for having cigarettes not for putting yeah she's probably trying to solve one
problem at a time
i think it was i guarantee she was anybody that would have walked into that
room doing so many
my mother my poor mother the that she saw me doing you know what i did this too
we uh
i do you ever have silly putty oh yes do you know what silly putty is you know
you put it did you ever
do it where you put it on a comic strip oh yeah and then you take the comic
strip and then you could
put that on another p i didn't have silly putty but in the summer when i was
sweaty i would put my
balls on the on the comics and did that work yeah no way oh yeah really it does
and then on that we had
uh uh like a linoleum like uh like a linoleum countertop and then like my mom
said who put
beetle bailey all over it beetle bailey was that yeah you know what it is yeah
he was like a war
criminal right yeah yeah yeah and then i would and then he was all over and she
didn't know it's from
my nuts it was from your nut sack he transferred it transferred from your nuts
to the oh my god
it transfers it's amazing i have so many things to