Name: Sam Tallent | The Toad's Morale | Full Special
Uploaded: 2023-12-27T01:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sam Tallent | The Toad's Morale | Full Special' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sam Tallent | The Toad's Morale | Full Special' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-27. Transcript available.

Sam Tallent | The Toad's Morale | Full Special

I'm drinking as well. Miller Lite, everybody.
Yes. No more Bud Light for me.
After what they did?
After what they did to us, the valuable consumers?
God, I get so distracted whenever I think about Bud Light.
When I think of that trans woman?
I get so fucking hard.
A lady with a dick?
Finally, a gal you can trust.
Finally, a woman who gets it.
She understands the struggle of hanging one.
Oh, yeah. God.
Have you seen these trans women?
Oh, yeah.
You left a couple of incognito windows open, didn't you, brother?
These trans women got the peak of sexy science behind them.
No one's hornier than scientists.
Now they got real girl dolls they can decorate with huge fucking dumpers.
Just humungo asses and juicy tits.
If you can't get hard for trans women, you are gay.
That is on you.
You are a homosexual.
I wish my wife had a dick.
I got one of these analog ladies.
She's got her sweet little velvet mitten.
It's boring.
Give me a meaty crank up front.
I want something I can hold on to as I'm pounding away.
I want to crawl into her like handicapped people get into a hotel bathroom, you
know?
That's what it's like.
That's what it's like.
That's it.
It's just blowjobs and anal forever?
So every day's my honeymoon?
Give me all of that.
I'm feeling some pushback from this side of the room.
Think about it this way, fellas.
You're banging your girlfriend and you know that the whole time, when you're
done, you can
finally play a competitive game of Madden.
And don't get me started on trans man.
Oh, I get to fuck my buddy and his pussy?
You mean the perfect crime?
You can leave your beanie on, brother.
Oh, this is so much better than the first show last night.
They didn't know what kind of buzzsaw they were walking into.
A lot of life alerts went off at that show.
You guys are young, you're active, you're virile.
I like that.
But that first show last night, God, I hope whatever bus takes them back to
their fucking...
Whatever sober living community they came from, I hope that vehicle rolls.
Oh, yeah.
And I hope the windows are open.
I don't want the smoke to take them.
I hope the fire melts their bones.
Not you guys.
I love you guys.
What a fucking relief.
God damn.
I know I started horny.
Guess what?
I like it.
I don't know why I jiggled around like that, but...
It felt good.
I am so fucking horny, guys.
I am.
I haven't seen my wife in five days.
I cannot wait to see her on Monday cut off her bra, say, release the pigs.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, boys.
Uh-huh.
It is a spectacle when I get a hold of those things.
She's great.
She's sweet and funny and generous and kind and nice, but God, also just huge.
Absolutely crippling pear on her.
She cannot sleep on her back.
She will drown.
It would look like she was choked to death by a man without fingers.
The ringless rapist strikes again.
It's tough.
He leaves no fingerprints.
You can't track him.
God, I love her.
We like to engage in the sacred act of intercourse.
Our favorite place to do it?
Bed and breakfast.
You have not had sex until you fucked in a room where an old couple's son OD'd.
Oh, I'm sorry, this side of the room.
That's the business model.
My bad.
Dakota had a pill problem.
They've still got a mortgage.
Go fuck in the race car bed.
Try not to cum on the corn poster.
We haven't touched his room since we found his body, so get in there.
Don't worry.
We won't be one floor below you just staring at the ceiling all night.
Don't worry.
Oh, he's going to need a coconut water, Gerald.
Also, shout out to coconut water.
I've always said water doesn't taste enough like cum.
That's my big issue with water.
I always say that.
My wife says, quit saying that.
Stop.
Coconut water figured it out.
They nailed the taste of load with the viscosity of jizz.
They put it in one $8 can, and I'm grateful.
I am.
I need it.
I need it.
I'm huge.
I'm fucking really big.
You're petite.
I'm massive.
Same species.
Doesn't make any sense, because you're so little.
I'm so much of a man.
Is anyone in here bigger than me?
Brutal.
Brutal.
Nobody.
Fuck.
I've got to get it together.
No one in Cincinnati is bigger than me.
Fuck.
I don't know if you've ever been the largest mammal indigenous to a comedy club.
But it is lonely.
I'm a man.
I know I'm up here in my ivory castle.
You know?
Thank God I got fucking five inches of clearance on you guys.
Or else how would you see me?
I know.
But look.
I can come down there.
I'll come down in the fucking pig hollow.
Look.
Look at that.
I'm a man.
I bleed blood.
I cum jizz.
Once I came blood.
That's what I get for being hard in a revolving door.
You don't like me this close.
This sucks for you.
I'm going to go back up there so you feel safe again.
I'll return to my tower.
That's good.
I do, by the way, if you are thirsty later, I do lactate.
I can breastfeed.
I can breastfeed anyone in here.
It doesn't taste good.
It tastes like horchata with a ramen seasoning packet in it.
It's the shrimp flavor.
How does that make it worse?
Because if I said it was the beef flavor, you'd be like, let me latch.
Uppy, uppy, no.
No, you would not.
This is going so well.
We were in Louisville on Wednesday.
Yeah.
I don't know what happened to that city, but we've got to finish the job.
We've got to go in there and just burn it to the ground.
What's going on with you?
Is a funnier comedian texting you?
What's happening?
You got Cat Williams on the horn?
I did like, I liked one aspect of Louisville.
That horse track is fucking gas.
It's very good.
I kind of experienced Paris syndrome.
I really fell in love.
We were there at sundown.
We saw the fucking dying light hit the rafters.
It was really transcendent.
I have Churchill Down syndrome.
You guys can have that joke.
I can't take that anywhere else.
That one's for you guys.
All right.
Yeah.
Take it to work tomorrow.
Meet the HR person.
Just get your settlement check.
I really can't do that joke ever again.
That one, probably not going in the special.
I like whoever's laughing over here like this.
Is that you, Beardo?
All right.
I can't tell if you mistimed your drugs or nailed it.
You're really squishing this fella.
He's wedged in there like a door stopper.
God, these are all foggy.
My glasses suck.
I don't want to get political,
but I don't recognize Israel or Palestine.
I think I need a new prescription.
That counts as a joke.
That counts.
You laugh.
You can't take it back.
That one counts.
Huh?
Thank you, ma'am.
That's actually my punch-up girl, Louise.
She travels the country with me.
When I miss a punchline,
she jumps on that grenade.
I like Girl Scout cookies, obviously.
All right.
You got a favorite flavor, sir?
Not so I can think of.
I did not think you were going to be shy.
You're like a big, tough man.
I ask you about cookies.
I don't know.
Come back to me.
Come back to me.
Come back to me.
You got fucking coquettish, man.
Oh, wow.
Any cookie's fine.
Thin Mints is the only wrong answer.
All right?
I will kick every ass in this room.
I don't fucking care.
Come through me.
Thin Mints are dog shit.
You know why they taste that way?
Because so many grandmas kept their dark chocolate cookies
in the freezer next to their Newports.
They're fucked.
They're fucked.
They're bad.
I'm not over your reaction, bro.
What about you, man?
Favorite Girl Scout cookie?
This is some of the worst crowd work ever.
Samoas.
Samoas, yes.
Samoas.
Samoas, indeed.
Yes.
Oh, Samoa.
I love Samoas.
And I love doing that voice.
And oh, I...
Samoas got that island flavor.
I love Samoas.
I could eat a whole box of Samoas.
I could eat a case of Samoas.
But I could not finish one Samoan.
It's not a race thing.
They're huge.
It's a volume issue.
I bet they taste great.
Okay, that's where I lost you.
That's fine.
Fuck, I'm on thin ice.
Thank God I'm not Samoan.
I was in control the whole time.
You thought you copped the swine?
No, no, I'm too greasy.
I was diddled.
I was diddled, yeah.
Mostly at chain restaurants.
I got got at a McDonald's play place.
It didn't start as a ball pit.
But it ended that way.
Little Caesars?
Fuck.
Little Caesars?
I was eight years old.
I was adorable.
I was hot, but I was not ready.
And I don't want to talk about what happened at Subway.
Let's just say they got the guy.
You know who I'm talking about.
You know who I'm talking about.
Those were my pants.
It was a sex trophy.
There's nothing funny about diddling.
Except for the term diddling.
That's a very funny thing to call the worst crime you can commit.
Diddling sounds like something a child would love.
You should hire a diddler for every kid's birthday party.
Oh, Janet, how was Bobby's birthday?
Great.
We got the best diddler in the Tri-State.
Oh, yeah.
He diddled every kid.
Yeah.
Not one face went undiddled.
It was...
Yeah, that one doesn't always work.
It's all right.
Luckily, we have young people here.
That's what I'm happy about.
Young me.
How old are you?
25.
25.
I had pubes on 9-11.
So think about that.
You were smooth.
You were pubeless and toothless.
And I had a full rockin' bush.
Think about it.
Think about my 13-year-old body with a nasty thatch.
I did not have pubes the morning of 9-11.
But when Tower 1 went down...
That was my body's fear response.
And my dick was like the plane that hit the Pentagon.
They never found it.
I have a dick now.
I don't want to brag about it.
Don't listen to the internet.
I have a penis.
It's tucked away in these joggers somewhere.
Yeah, joggers, yeah.
A.K.A. maternity pants for men.
Finally, all the style and comfort of a third trimester pregnancy
without that pesky baby.
I do have a dick.
And I don't want to come to Ohio and brag about my mountain hog,
but...
Five inches soft.
Three inches hard.
It bloats up like a toad's throat.
It's a nightmare.
Now whenever I want to fuck my wife, I got to say,
Hey, baby, time to scare the toad.
And she gets dry.
But I am undeterred.
Because frogs like the water.
Toads like the dirt.
When I get in there, I kick up dust till I bust.
I thrust because I must.
I make my own mud.
I told that joke in Japan.
They hated it.
They thought I was bragging.
I did.
I went to Japan to do standing up comedy.
I went to Tokyo to tell Jokio.
That counts as a joke.
Just because it rhymed doesn't devalue the humorous intent.
I was over there.
I did some shows.
But really, I made a bunch of money.
In a different way.
Some businessmen got their hands on me.
And they climbed me like ants.
Those little fellas.
I was the eucalyptus tree.
And they were the koalas.
And they were just scurrying all over me, man.
They call it the Tokyo big boy circuit.
And those businessmen have curious fingers and furious toes.
They dug in.
I can't even shake them.
Sometimes I find one in my chest hair.
I pull them out.
I put them in an envelope.
I send them back home.
I did the normal stuff.
Tummy table.
Human bunk bed.
Nothing crazy, you know.
The best one that I would do for them, I would strip nude, lay on my back, fill
my belly button with water.
Give them each a bath.
I have a very deep belly button.
It's 12 inches from crust to core.
One time a woman took a body shot off me.
She's dead.
It was mercury poisoning.
From all the koi fish in my man pond.
That's enough of that joke.
All right.
Tokyo is cool, man.
It's the future in Japan right now.
And not just because of the time change.
The doors are locked from the outside.
Yeah, they got all types of weird technology over there.
I used a talking toilet in Japan.
And I toot in it.
I hit it with a nasty mount.
And afterward, it said, thank you.
Which, it was a relief, honestly.
Because now we can be sure the robots have not achieved sentience yet.
We have not hit the singularity.
They do not have awareness.
Because if that toilet had any self-respect whatsoever,
it would not have thanked me for what I did to its mouth.
It would have said, please, kill me.
Or, yum yum, so full.
It was a lot.
I made a huge mess.
It was bad.
It wasn't even set to English.
But that toilet knew.
That toilet knew.
Whatever butt bestowed that bountiful blessing
was not from the humble islands 