Name: Ep 477 - Father God (feat. Cole Beasley)
Uploaded: 2024-01-17T22:33:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 477 - Father God (feat. Cole Beasley)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 477 - Father God (feat. Cole Beasley)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-17. Transcript available.

Ep 477 - Father God (feat. Cole Beasley)

wow wow wes yeah if you whenever i get high i'm so happy when it's over oh you're
relieved when
it wears off i'm like dude i love you guys thank god i'm back that but that's
if you know is this
worst day i've ever had in my life your high must not be a good one yeah you're
coming from the bug
out coming from the bug out is just thank you man it's like thank you but if
you're if you're fully
just vibing all of a sudden it wears off you turn into the grump you so you're
out there vibing
what you're vibing and walking your dog back in your wife's immediately like
where'd you put this
well you've also you've forgotten to do 25 things you didn't blah blah blah
when you left you're like
dude why do you worry about this is the trash it's the trash for me yeah i
missed the trash
i'll take the trash out i left the front door wide open i'm like who cares dude
you're annoying right
now we shouldn't even have borders i i can't do edibles though edibles the ones
that make me
freaking out yeah i'll get sick and start freaking out i like want to puke also
i feel like i'm high
for five days if i take a yeah yeah it's such a longer high yeah they get you
yeah i don't enjoy
them i used to eat them and forget i would impulsively eat them i used to make
gummies and
i would just be like yeah what the and i'd munch a couple of them forget and be
driving and be like
ah i forgot about that i forget yeah i mean we've talked about it a thousand
times on here but matt
matt used to make edibles and i would just we live together so i'd just be
sitting there
just playing xbox all day and he'd be like it's not bad he'd be like here i'll
test these out yeah
and i'm not good at getting high so i'd like i'd be like yeah whatever totally
would forget that i'd
eat one 30 minutes later i'd be like i'd be like yeah he's strong they're
either too much or not
enough it's either you don't fill them and then you overdo it because you're
like i need to take
another one and then it hits you and you're like what just happened yep yeah i've
been off them for
a while i it's been nice so i've gotten a lot i get so much done now like it's
insane i was really not
firing all cylinders there i thought i was yeah i've really my productivity is
already at a minimum
if i toss weed on top of this it's over yeah well it gets you because you're
like i'll be so stoned
and i'll be like i just got to enjoy my life and i'll just not do anything for
two days and come back
i'm like i need to do stuff this is not ideal it's like a aesop's fable that's
like yeah like you can't
just enjoy life yeah no you gotta do something you have to you just enjoy life
winter comes it's like
the grasshopper yeah exactly someone's door you go can i come in yep it's a
grasshopper not cool
especially not right now yeah winter sucks here nothing compared to good god i
was furious matt was
in san diego this weekend i was in peoria illinois new number one on the power
rankings of shittiest
town in the entire country peoria illinois was that was hell never heard of her
yeah it's in the
middle of illinois is the illinois second biggest city i think it's shy town
and then maybe pure i
could be wrong i'm sure a bunch of like suburbs of chicago count yeah true
because peoria was like a
small shitty harrisburg but it had it had like political administrative
buildings and stuff
i don't know impressive domes there weren't very many impressive domes really
no there was a
hospital i think that was the entire economy so it wasn't even as big as harrisburg
no there's a
hospital bradley university's there bradley cooper university bradley the
university of bradley cooper
and uh but yeah then the the weather hit and that was so cool that was what
were you doing out there
though i was doing a show i did a show i did a show in peoria in st louis and i
had to get in a night
early because of the the weather here to make sure i got to the show so i just
had to thursday to do
nothing in peoria illinois and uh there's nothing to do anyway what'd you do
nothing play that show
fucking laid down tried to go outside i think chicago's where we got stuck last
year this is an
apocalypse or whatever in chicago it's so cold dude oh you went did you go
during christmas last
year yeah i was supposed to go during christmas i was supposed to do like a an
in-law trip and
we got our flight guy canceled due to the snow just really cool they let me
come hang out at the
end of the season that was fine oh yeah cole beasley everybody uh the the
interesting thing
about peoria is that there's still bums what there's bums in every town but
there's like just
five black dudes walking around outside in peoria they wear those full snowsuits
they're just in full
like the one guy was wearing like a he was working on a traffic construction
nice he just had a nice
reflective vest yeah just me and the bums were the only ones outside walking
around then i tried i
was like oh here's a mall i went into a mall it was just totally abandoned
really filled with like
three bums what just bums sleeping in the food court it was hell dude that
sucks yeah that's
yeah that dude i'm telling you man my wife's from britney's from chicago she
brought my wife from
chicago she brought me there in the winter time and i was just like we'll never
live here we'll never
live in chicago dude it's so the wind hits you and you get furious it's buffalo's
cold too buffalo's
buffalo chicago's worse though yeah for sure i've played two games in chicago
that were worse than
any game i played in buffalo dude there's it's so chilly dude it's like it's it's
like cold and then
like the wind hits you and you're like this is just it's so it's yeah they're
like
tejas america yeah so you must have been cold beasley up there oh you know you
know what you know you get
used to it though i actually started enjoying it a little bit really so i would
always a big sleeve
guy when it's cold when i was in dallas we'd go to the giants you know we'd
play there and it'd be like
30 and i'd be freezing my ass off and hate it and then i come to buffalo and
then i'm out there in
warm-ups and sleeves and by the time the game starts like i always do the old
man's sleeve to like cut
them you know they they have the half sleeves but i don't know like it's sick
yeah raunchy true
so how does that really i mean it has to you up when it's that cold like
it's gotta be tough to concentrate i can't imagine after a while you get used
to it yeah actually the
cold here feels way worse like 20 degrees here is way worse than 20 degrees in
buffalo and i have no
idea why i don't know if it's the moisture in the air or what but yeah it's not
good i'd much rather be in
buffalo true what minus four in peoria sucks i don't think minus four is good
anywhere sucks yeah
yeah man at least it's good it drives people into indoors for the show the
bones are still out
true bones you don't like the outdoors no for when you do stand-up it's good
like i i have to try to
use like i have to use nature to coerce people to go inside so you want it to
be really cold so people
have no other option yeah okay so there's like no comedy clubs in miami yeah in
new orleans
huh because people would rather have fun than go true listen to a guy talk
about his problems and
his small dick let's get drunk i had a good time you know that was actually i
think that was the
first comedy show i've ever been to is it was yours really yeah which one of
the in in the one here
vulcan yeah that was fun that was the first time i've ever been to one it was
cool how did you guys
meet how did you guys gabe gabe davis the best the best ever gabe davis get
well soon gabriel we're
praying for you trying to try to get him to come to texas next year let's get
him out of there huh
i just want him to be closer if i'm not there i don't want him there anymore he
can't be a dallas
cowboy why not bro i mean i could no income tax i'll switch i'll switch my
allegiance it's a good
spot oh yeah yeah i'll put it on dallas cowboy just flip the hat backwards yeah
put a little dallas
cowboys gabe davis hat on it's philly philly fans are the worst they're never a
good experience
at the stadium yeah but it's fun when you're one of the guys that are making a
negative experience for
other people probably isn't it fun to ruin things for people they're probably
one of those fans who
told me on twitter one time that i looked like i fumbled my baby after a fumble
after that all hell broke loose i tell the fan to eat a dick and it goes viral
i get really oh you
tweeted back oh of course i've been there brother yeah i've wanted to tweet
back i've shut down my
twitter what did the guys say what did the guys say the guy i had i posted just
a picture of me and my
my child at the time he went for your child he said it looked like i fumbled my
baby you know
when they go for the children it's when they start hitting your children dude
dude could i don't
even think my kid could talk at the time it's like you're going at a toddler
you can't even speak
you can't feed them bro you cannot feed them that's bullshit i'm good at
feeding them
good feeding them fuel what do you call them you just call them like a pussy i
told him to eat a dick
that's fair what they coolest thing ever though if a fan actually blew up that
tweet brought it to
cowboys camp the next season i signed it that was the coolest thing that's nice
it's awesome it's
pretty tight it worked out yeah that is funny he said that though i mean from
his perspective
so funny to attack to attack an athlete's child anonymous anonymous in his
defense i had one catch
that game and i fumbled the bitch but we blew him out it was in london you know
versus jacksonville
shout out to dez he balled his ass off that game nice hell yeah but yeah fans
are ruthless man what
do you think about playing over in london uh i wasn't a big fan of london it
was always cloudy it's
always rainy yeah it's fucking i got sick and then i brought it back and got my
baby sick so that wasn't
cool and that guy tweeted that mean fucking shit yeah dude while you're sick
reading that tweet yeah
i blame on the coaches though they got mad because everybody was like we had
curfew and
everybody's like we're grown men why we have curfew everybody's going out and
shit and then the next
morning people were late to meetings and so they make us meet they do make us
do a walkthrough
outside and it's like freezing and raining outside yeah and i get sick it's
their fault it totally is
their fault that's fucking was it a wembly yeah that's pretty cool it was a
cool stadium cool
environment but it's like they didn't know when to cheer it was still new then
yeah it was like
and they're all wearing just random jerseys yeah it's awesome the whole stadium's
wearing like just
yeah it's cool though yeah i was always curious how did they react were they
like cheer or they just
like excited in general like when you'd have a bad play they'd cheer and i don't
know maybe they're
cheering for the other team but it's hard to know i feel like cowboys you know
our fans travel
better than anybody so i like to think most of them were going for the boys you
know and they would
cheer sometimes when it's like i don't think they should cheer right now i don't
know by god he snapped
the ball with the english announcers by george that's a first down to the dallas
cowboys i don't even
remember any of that dude i have the worst memory maybe it's from playing 11
years of football after i
should but is john madden dead yes is he dead yeah when did he die uh that's a
good question i don't
dude i think he died two years ago it wasn't that long ago really yeah he was
the man yeah he was the
best i was gonna say who the else there's always this oakland raiders he's the
boom guy right yeah
come on man he's more than that yeah i'm just sorry i play football but i don't
know as much as i should
about it uh there's a good clip going around of him he was the raiders coach
and they were like
