Name: Ep 479 - Red Team Vs. Black Team (feat. Lemaire Lee, Nate Marshall, & Shawn Gardini)
Uploaded: 2024-01-31T21:15:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 479 - Red Team Vs. Black Team (feat. Lemaire Lee, Nate Marshall, & Shawn Gardini)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 479 - Red Team Vs. Black Team (feat. Lemaire Lee, Nate Marshall, & Shawn Gardini)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-31. Transcript available.

Ep 479 - Red Team Vs. Black Team (feat. Lemaire Lee, Nate Marshall, & Shawn Gardini)

Wow, wow, Wes.
All right, we're here, dude.
Nate, Lemaire, Sean.
It's red versus black.
What's up?
This is on purpose.
Red versus black, black versus white.
It's all of them.
We're adding that.
I wasn't going there.
I'm just going.
I dove right in.
I'm just going red versus white.
I've been in Texas a little bit too long.
It's kicking it.
The division.
I mean, what is our skin besides a jersey anyway?
God damn, dude.
I never thought of it like that.
I always thought like that's how I think people should be about race is like
your race should be like your favorite team.
But yeah, so you root for them, but you're still a good sport.
Like you don't you don't want anybody to get hurt.
You don't.
True.
Yeah, nobody likes to sort of lose.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaking of racial tension, I watched the Vivek Ramswami on Charlemagne part
two.
Yeah, that guy sucks, though.
Who, Vivek?
Yeah, I hate him.
I don't know, dude.
I, I, I, a lot of the negative feedback is about the God himself.
A lot of, I mean, a lot of blasphemers.
About Charlemagne?
Well, Vivek's like a, he's, he's phony.
Why?
Why do you say that?
Because he wasn't this guy three years ago.
What was he like three years ago?
He was like a tech bro.
Like I'm going to, he was doing the thing being Trump did.
He was medical.
He was medical.
No, he's a tech bro.
He made his money in like tech.
Medical, dude.
You don't even know who the guy is.
You just made money in tech.
You're dealing with a media straw man.
I hate to break it to you.
I don't know.
Look, he could be, he could be a silver tongue devil.
I don't know.
He's a snake, bro.
He's a snake.
He's a snake.
Why?
Why do you guys think so?
You're being, you're being swooned by a snake, man.
I'm just hearing the man out.
He's not.
What are his major points?
Like what is he standing on?
He's America first.
Okay.
I do like America first.
Dude, America first is fine.
The people you elect should be the people who run the government.
He repeats it 50,000 times.
Yeah.
The people you elect should be the people that run the government.
That's fair.
But he's not going, if he gets elected, he's not going to be the guy running
the government.
He's going to fall in.
As soon as he wins, he's going to fall in line.
I mean, you can't, they can't, the people you, never mind.
I was about to say, the people you elect can't run it all completely, but maybe
they can.
He was saying.
Just never sleep.
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm not going to get mired down in the details.
I'm talking about just in terms of a verbal sparring.
Charlamagne got whooped yet again, dude.
No, they were debating.
They had a push-up off, dude.
It was such a weird.
Wait, Charlamagne lost the push-up off?
He technically tapped out first, but then Charlamagne claimed like, ha-ha, I
made you do that, fool.
It was the weirdest.
Their dynamic might be, and they keep just clashing.
Like, he keeps coming back.
I think Charlamagne likes that shit.
Clashing.
Just having a break.
They're both silver-tongued tricksters.
True.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd say one is slightly less of a silver-tongued, though.
Charlamagne's no-
He's kind of-
He's right-assive.
Massive wordsmith, I would say.
Fake is a-
Fake's bizarre.
You watch him, and it's just like, holy shit.
This guy's so good at talking.
Look at his eyes.
He smiles.
His smiles suck.
Why?
Because his eyes are not-
You just hate Hindus, dude.
You just fucking hate Hindus.
I don't hate Hindus, but I don't know that I'm ready for a Hindu president.
I'll be honest.
I'm so ready for a Hindu president, dude.
That's my thing.
I don't care about his politics.
I just want a Hindu president.
Dude, if I can't eat hamburgers, I want to fucking flip.
I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I want a Puerto Rican president
before we
have a Hindu president.
Just because I feel like it's just, I don't know, the next step.
Like, all right, white and black, that makes sense.
It was like, y'all, then we got here.
Then we can't have a Native American president.
They're going to cause too much chaos.
They got a lot of pent-up, old rage.
We got to have another black president first.
I'm not even like a completely black president.
Can we all agree, red and black, that we'll have no women presidents?
Yeah, for sure.
Can we cheers on this?
We'll sign the papers later.
Dude, girls have never become the president.
What's the matter with them?
They try.
Yeah.
And nobody's stopping them anymore.
No girl has a tricky enough tongue.
Ah, they're tricksters.
I mean, dude, Hill Dog was pretty nice.
What?
She fumbled constantly.
I got to be honest, I did love Hill Dog.
You did?
I love Hill Dog.
All she did was fumble conversationally.
Did hot sauce work on you?
Yeah.
You thought it was like, oh my gosh, she has hot sauce?
She's just like us.
The only part that was respectable about that is when they called her out for
it.
They were like, you know what they're going to say?
She's paying the rent and blah, blah, blah.
And she's like, is it working?
Like, that I respect.
She did pull out hot sauce, though, like, at the end, I think.
Oh, that's crazy that she packed hot sauce.
You think she packed it?
Or do you think she actually carries hot sauce?
I'm 100% sure she packed it.
She does not carry hot sauce.
I don't know, dude.
She is from Arkansas.
I don't think she eats, bro.
She doesn't eat fish.
That's a fair point.
She just stands outside and gets her energy.
Eats the blood of the young girl.
Yeah, chlorophyll.
She eats like a plant.
She photosynthesizes.
She needs to make a comeback.
Hilldog needs to make a comeback.
Hilldog Trump, too.
Oh, my gosh.
If they joined forces, that would be so sick.
That would, yo, Trump, Clinton, card.
Like she's his VP?
Or because she can't be the president.
We already decided to.
You're right.
You're right.
She can try, but for some reason, girls cannot become the president.
I've been supporting them with all my platform.
I've been like, girl, I don't care what they're about.
I just want a girl president.
Girl, become president.
Yeah, you go girl.
I just want a you go girl so hard.
You go girl.
Girl boss.
It's coming, man.
Mickey Haley's getting up there.
Man, I don't know, man.
I don't think she's not going to beat the T-Dog, bro.
No.
No, she's not going to beat the T-Dog.
T-Time, T-Time, T-Time, T-Time, T-Time.
Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
It was just fun to watch.
I watched the first Vivek versus Charlamagne in the Breakfast Club.
And they had this lady who was like on a screen and she was just brutal, dude.
Yeah.
Brutal.
It was just total girl logic of like, he'd make a point.
She'd be like, yeah, but what about this?
And he'd be like, well, yeah, I obviously was a doctor.
Okay, thank you.
That's all I want to know.
I was a doctor.
Does he have an accent?
I haven't really listened to him.
He doesn't have an accent.
No, no, no.
Okay, okay.
He's almost like totally non-regional.
Yeah.
He was stunting, though, being like, he spent $20 million on his presidential
campaign out
of his own pocket.
Charlamagne was kind of hitting him with like, damn, dude, sucks to be you.
And he's like, bro, $20 million is nothing to me.
Stunted on him so hard.
And he was like, you understand, in my position, $20 million is like.
It's light work.
Basically, he's like, I knew.
He's like, I was going to put more in if I kept going.
It'd be so funny if he was like, I'm ruined.
Charlamagne, I'm ruined.
Can I have a job here?
I'm a silver tongue trickster, too.
People complain about like presidents all coming for money, but I'd be mad as
shit if
like my president didn't know how to like get money.
Like you're going to run the country, but you can't get money.
You know, you can't.
We need a poor president.
Was it Abe poor?
Or was he fake?
He was like a lawyer.
Andrew Jackson was the people's president.
He was poor as hell.
But he sucked.
But poor back then.
No, he didn't suck.
He was the man.
Coming back from being poor like in that time, that's like when you did it.
But now we've been too powerful for too long.
There's too many ways to get money out of here.
Yeah, true.
Start an OnlyFans.
Like I don't care what my president did.
OnlyFans president?
Uber, one of those guys who gets up at 3 a.m.
and drives, then switches to Lyft and just never sleeps.
Just the work ethic on that man.
I love Uber drivers that are making like $3,500 a week.
It's my favorite person.
I had one that was sleeping in his car.
He was like a big fatty.
Excuse my, you know.
He was a heavyset man.
Your fatism?
Yeah, he was pretty fat.
He was big as hell.
And he was like, I got to be honest with you, man.
I sleep in here.
This is where I live.
I just like kick the driver's seat back and it sucks.
But he told me about his plan to make it a zillion dollars.
Did he say a zillion?
No.
He just wants to be gone.
Really?
He wants to go to like Nebraska or something.
He was like, Florida's too expensive.
I can't stay here anymore.
I got to.
Damn, what's he going to do though?
The oobs are going to drop off out in Nebraska.
Yeah.
Nebraska, yeah.
Especially when it gets cold.
Maybe not.
Maybe you hit like the college town.
Or he just dominates the market.
Like it's just him.
True.
You're trying to get in the oob.
It's probably like in Nebraska, Uber is probably like a novelty.
Oh.
Like you just, oh shit, I got one.
You got it sitting there for 30 minutes and it just pings.
True.
He's going to evolve to DoorDash driver when he gets to Nebraska.
Oh, true.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Especially if he's well.
If he's already a fat, that could be tough though.
Dude, I've heard DoorDash drivers pick like one order per shift and just gobble
it.
Because there's like, they can all take one missed order per shift.
Someone told me this and they can take like, if one thing doesn't get there,
they're like,
whatever.
Because for them, it's like they'd rather take that one bad order than not stop
and eat
and waste the time.
So they just pick one thing, munch it, and then the people are like, where are
my food?
And Uber just refunds them.
Just like, no.
Keep it rolling.
Yeah.
Pretty slick system.
Yeah.
I like the Uber foods teams too.
And like someone, there's like a couple in there working.
I like that, man.
I always feel like that's like a dude who got caught cheating before.
And she's like, you're not using this as an excuse.
I'm coming for the bride.
They have their kids in there too sometimes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like the, I see the cheering in there.
I always say, listen to your mother, boy.
Listen to your mother, boy.
Give me my food and listen to your mother.
Stay in school, boy.
Stay in school.
A whole family.
They're definitely munching your fries.
A whole family's riding the rail.
In a minivan.
Dear old boy, that would torture me, dude.
The ninth McDonald's run.
I'd be like, mom, seriously.
Just pizza showing up.
Like, give me a pep.
Just one pep, mom.
I just need one little pep.
You take one of the ones that's like on the crust a little bit.
There's no evidence.
No evidence, pep.
That's the no evidence.
You can't take a cheesy one.
You got the whole.
Because then you'll pull all the cheese.
Yeah.
Or you can see the cheese is lighter.
If you lift the pepperoni.
It's like when you put furniture on a carpet.
There's a spot.
If you leave it, you can tell.
Yeah, it's a pepperoni divot.
That might be a way to get a free, like, pizza.
Like, you order on Uber Eats, take a pep,
and then just take a picture, send it to them.
Like, I know someone took this.
It's a pep missing.
Yeah, true.
I'm sure if you hit the Uber AI, I'm like,
I'm almost certain a Somalian eight-year-old
eat a slice of my pep.
The only thing that does suck, I guess, now,
figure the whole.
Pirates.
Pirates.
Pirates.
They've taken to the lands.
How are those guys doing?
How are the Somalian pirates doing?
I hope they're doing all right.
I think they're okay.
They landed that big movie.
That was tight.
Hollywood just came in and were like,
yo, here's a bunch of money.
We need real pirates.
You think they took in anybody?
Y