Name: Ep 481 - Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes
Uploaded: 2024-02-16T18:40:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 481 - Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 481 - Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-16. Transcript available.

Ep 481 - Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes

the wild wild west save it for the incredible podcast we're about to do we were
just behind
a little bts talking planet of the apes that's awesome i i saw i got hit with
that there's a new
planet of the apes coming is there really saw the preview saw the trailer how's
it looking
sick so the the one two and this will be three i think four four yeah there was
rise of the
planet of the apes dawn of the planet of the apes war for the planet of the apes
what now what is
this like when you get a hold of peaceful two-party system of the planet yeah
yeah yeah now it's yeah
the two oldest apes are falling down and both sides are ignoring it
what's the what's the like where are where are the apes taking themselves by
the third
the kingdom is the new one yes dr zeus is back
who gets to play their human collaborator that might be one of my most coveted
roles if i'm being honest
yes last samurai probably is my most the biggest role i'd like to play in the
last
same collaborator to a civil last samurai couldn't be sick the best so who gets
who gets to play is it
franco so the first one is franco it's like the i saw that one the beginning
yeah that's the one i
definitely remember seeing the next one is a guy who looks like o'connor
whatever that guy's name is and woody harrelson there's two guys that look
exactly like o'connor
there's another guy that's crazy and they're both like no these apes are
smarter than you think i think
the i think by the second one the apes have started to go nuts riding horses
and stuff oh really when
he when when caesar talks for the first time that's it's an exciting moment i
feel like i've seen that
before no and all the other the other monkeys go like oh he cuts to this one
gorilla that's in a cage
and the guy screams no and he goes no racism behind it i was like that was lamar
at aw anytime someone
anytime anytime someone went off the top ropes just
no offense guard dog i don't know if you've explained this to him guard dog was
secretly filming
lamar at aw oh really the the autism was on you know i know we joke around
about you being autistic but
that was a full display dude it's like i mean i was at his sides like
get him no i was caesar dude i was like ah i was screaming at the fighters
i loved it so much but anyway i was uh been very pumped on player of the apes
yeah since last night
what uh so where so they they've got they've started to speak
yeah where's the fourth one we don't know what they're up to i think the fourth
one is like
like fluently in the fourth one according to the trailer which is so cool they
i think they keep
saying it's a beautiful day to be alive or something what's their what's their
diction is it like it
is a beautiful day or they give them english accents no they're just tough guys
they're yeah they're
badass tough guys so fucking sick yes the fourth one's gonna be all girl apes
if they take this from me if they take plan of the apes from me it's gonna be a
girl ape to be like my
pussy is so powerful hail my pussy cornelia like listen to her yeah we've been
meaning to them for too
long the human species have totally flopped with their women it'll definitely
be that there's no way
they're probably right there's no way they're not gonna take play if they take
this from if they
take plan of the aids from me let's say get your hands off me yeah you're gonna
have to go no damn
dirty liberals why did the liberals ruin everything dude i don't know man you
know i tried to play fifa
online last night for the first time telly did the libs fucking ruin it the libs
buttfucked fifa so badly
that one you would think they'd have got that one first they got so it's so
there's a thing called
ultimate team where you if you win a game you get a certain amount of points
then you can buy new
players you can buy better players to join your team of course the women female
players are in there
so your team's ladies yeah and who do you play against high schoolers yeah and
you lose 10 nothing
to the 15 year old no and their ratings are the same what like you could i the
first
player i got was like a 91 overall just lady lady i immediately traded her
i took a 60 overall korean goalkeeper over her i was like dude why are they
doing that it's not
offensive boys are better than girls at soccer i'm not i'm not even trying to
like rile up you know
sexist dregs of society it's just a fucking fact i was being very sexist were
you really i literally
every single female player i got no no matter what their rating was quick sale
for zero sold them for
free get them off my roster i trafficked them i just get rid of them i don't
know what i mean so you're
just like no yeah i said no as your team suffered though due to your
ideological no i'm good at fifa
because i've never played it online so i start against other people that have
never played it
which is okay their first time players first game seven to one damn yeah
against live agents you have
against a guy yeah highly rated 97 rated girls on their team he also i noticed
didn't have one female on the
field i think it's a common thing i think if you have females on your field
dude it's lame you would
have an all-female team i know you horny devil that's who this is for yeah i
would add hope solo
right in the goalie girl 97 speed yeah just logic 150
just burning past cristiano ronaldo down the field annoying zero super smart
super smart 99
overall super smart loses your mind once a month that doesn't happen that's
made up
that's fucking conservative propaganda i watch the ultimate debate ben shapiro
versus destiny i don't
know if destiny is the guy really if there's a guy named destiny but he's like
a liberal
political commentator named destiny he was fair he was fair he's not he was
being fair and balanced
for some reason his name's i don't know if uh it was like versus destiny or the
guy's name maybe it's
his like online maybe youtubers have like stripper names now but it was it was
it was obviously ben
shapiro versus destiny on the lex freeman podcast it was good shapiro dude and
like yeah again you can
say whatever you want about him he's him debating he's so good at debating it's
insane it's very funny
because he'll get caught in little traps and dude he'll like because it is they're
just like wrestling
with words and stuff yeah they'll be like well you don't think like we should
give like schools
air conditioning and he was like you know what would be better is two-parent
household he's like
obviously that's better and he's like well that's just the best and you don't
hit him with some
crazy analogy it's pretty sick we didn't have air conditioning in my high
school we didn't have
it in my fucking suck grade school for sure we didn't learn anything you can't
it's too hot
but at least you got two-parent ben shapiro would say did have a two-parent
household which was
i would trade for everything yeah truthfully a hundred percent i wanted my
parents to get divorced
when i was younger i'm the only person i was like dude that i would hear about
people in divorced
households and i'm like lucky two christmases two birthdays yeah i was like
dude my parents stay
together every year i'd be like is there anniversary like can you imagine you
guys please split up can you
imagine our dads going to their house for christmas or your birthday this you
would get
here's a pocket knife that he got for free
he bought my mom a set of pots and pans one year
total alpha move dude a new set of cavalons it was just like yo here you go
babe it's actually nice
she probably enjoyed it she was kind of pissed she was we were laughing she was
yeah she was whatever
i'm sure having all the retarded brothers laughing mom got pots and pans in the
kitchen
dudes dudes it was beat he was like no they're nice i thought you'd like them
she was i remember
her just being like oh great thanks she obviously she didn't show she wasn't
like spasm thank god
but yeah it's pretty i remember thinking like it's a beast move he told me when
i was younger he's like
yo break up with your girlfriends around christmas he's like break up with them
at christmas valentine's
not so you don't have to buy a 20 gift in high school for he was he told me
that he's like dude for
real do that and i remember taking him like i did it i took his advice and just
a girl was like
devastated she's like it's about to be christmas and i was like oh is it oh my
dad told me oh
fuck fuck with bad advice oh now that you put it that way this is a very bad
thing to do it is mean
yeah it's so mean he's probably around my grandma called me broke because every
time around christmas
times i wouldn't bring any girlfriends she was like you always break up around
christmas you brokey
damn you told her you're just keeping it hold on let me just sit over here yeah
can we get four mics
let's get let's get faux mics going just get lamar over here the world needs to
see the new tcu
dude it looks he looks like an offensive coordinator this is you look like a
strength coach
that's his drip dude the horned frogs and bucky's
gold dust is coming to the h-e-b the rassler gold dust nice i hope he molest
you
you probably want that too easily
who gold dust you met gold dust yesterday yeah they let us go in the back pause
that's what i can
say gold dust let you go in the back
the aew people let us go in the back it wasn't it was so much fun here we go
who's your favorite guy
up in aew he wasn't there well oh orange cassidy orange cassie orange cassie is
your favorite guy
he's in the closet of guys guys yeah orange cassie yeah he's the man what's it
what's his i've seen
the closet of guys he's alpha shrine he goes like this that's his thing freshly
squeezed he's the coolest
guy he doesn't he like half-ass wrestles that's his gimmick what the hell yeah
i don't know if i like that
dude yeah he pulled they had tax in a uh candy box that was shaped like a heart
because it was valentine's
day he went dropped him on the mat it was beautiful texas deathmatch dude you
never get disappointed
it's true they really wrestled on top of the tax yeah you get slammed through
the tax almost immediately
does it hurt yeah probably you think they're retractable tax they're a real
tracks tax dude
it's always the only way to do taxes you were real tax true yeah damn and who
did it og squeeze guy
dude og squeeze that's a good one i like that what's his name again orange cassidy
orange cat freshly squeezed orange cassidy so orange cassidy was wrestling gold
dust
he was gold dust is their celeb status gold dust just celeb status that's
awesome we just got to
hang out with go uh shout out aw shout out man did they fucking give us great
tickets they sent
it they let us go in the back talk to some of the wrestlers what'd you say to
the wrestlers i was
like hello gold dust you're fucking the man and then i walked away yeah i could
have absolutely
gotten that that's all the lady wrestlers like oh hello hello hello madame la
mare what would you
love how much would you love for them to just put you like three of them and
just start putting you
in headlocks boston crabs i would die please you think you would melt your
internal organs out
yeah these ladies are hot and have kind of muscles you showed me the hot muscle
lady yesterday oh queen
namanada he does know the muscle mommies i'll give it to him he lamere loves
the muscle mommy that tcu
jacket's making you sweat i'm on the sidelines it's getting hot you're thinking
about muscle mommies
yeah yeah he's got a nice database of muscle mommies i do appreciate that oh
yeah i i think it's
weird it's so weird but here's the thing is if you want to talk muscle mommies
it's like he can
yeah he can start rattling them up no muscle wwe is all muscle mommies that's
what i appreciate
who's your favorite muscle mom right now rhea ripley rita ripley rhea ripley rhea
ripley jade
cargill who was the girl last night that was there uh you told me there was
gonna be cakes in the
ring oh cakes yeah queen aminat