Name: Ep 485 - Twenty Second Blast (feat. Simon Rex)
Uploaded: 2024-03-13T20:20:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 485 - Twenty Second Blast (feat. Simon Rex)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 485 - Twenty Second Blast (feat. Simon Rex)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-13. Transcript available.

Ep 485 - Twenty Second Blast (feat. Simon Rex)

the wild wild west yo howdy y'all we're here we're here with the bro i'm one i'm
the bro i'm the bro
now i feel like i've stayed on your couch long enough to be the bro yeah wait
till you hear
you're gonna come in hot dude of course you're gonna come in hot this is this
is why you're here
brother what is it you want to give a little backstory first about what like
how we we discussed
on the pod but yes i heard about that phil phil madden on your your i could
fart really long
and it's been a superpower amongst me and my friends it's been a joke forever
and i had a 17
second fart that i've had recorded on my iphone for about 10 years that i've
shared with my friends
and i just beat my record and i sent it to him he didn't respond he didn't open
it for a couple
of times i'm like there's no way he didn't listen because we were kind of
bonding on farts here on
the couch yeah of course and uh there we go that's perfect timing uh and i
think farts are funny because
even the person doing it doesn't know what it's going to sound like it's always
a pleasure that's
that's true and if they don't stink it's a win-win and mine don't stink for
some reason then they're
very long so uh i i bet my match you might be the chosen one you're the last
airbenders yeah
this is this is textbook airbending what is what did your record come out to be
you said 20 something
seconds it's about 20 seconds we could have a time some little time this is
this is timed this is
yeah it's on time in the middle of this fart it becomes a geiger counter for
radiation
like wait wait till you hear this thing dude hey dude real quick um
it's no way oh my god all right that's my time i have to put that on no i love
it but how do i
follow i gotta just go get it no you're gonna call guinness you gotta get a
hold of his book of world
records no there's actually i remember on howard stern there was the dude who'd
put that guy could do it
for like a minute he had the anyway it's a curse that's great it sounds like
when like aliens crackle
through like nasa equipment yeah i'm tapping into some alien yeah you've been
able to do that forever
yeah uh i don't yeah yeah damn that's awesome it is pretty awesome i mean that's
like a a high
if you're like a high school stunner stash and you rip that it would i mean
that's the apocalypse
and remember in high school those plastic seats you could get the angle and
just rip off them but yeah
uh i'm proud and slap embarrassed it's it's uh i own it it's it's a gift it's a
gift i recently
got a colonoscopy because all my friends like dude you got serious problems
like you should go
so i'm i i'm for a year ago at 48 i went to get my colonoscopy i'm like dude it's
gonna be bad
you know they put the camera up your ass and or whatever whatever they do and
uh i was fine it's just
no cancerous polyps nothing like that it was just i rip that's just haters
though that's haters when
you fart real good haters will be like you got a up ass disease you're like bro
stop hating on them
i hate when people hate on a fart they're like oh it sounded wet you your pants
like don't put that on
me yeah man i just farted well yeah they're just jealous they didn't everybody's
jealous they can't
fart like that yeah and people that don't laugh at farts it's like you you know
it's like if you can't
laugh at that it's just simon we've covered this probably every other episode
for the last seven
years but you're exactly right people not laughing at farts is they're pedophiles
those are pedophiles
the only time you don't laugh at it far as you're thinking about trapping a kid
you're like wait what
was that did you just interrupted from somebody's new furniture yeah it's not
american i mean yeah
so we're a stern nun stern nun i could see her not being stoked on a hard fart
but like a dude being
like excuse i know what the heck and then of course when you're in a
relationship the fart bear you're
like you hold them in for the honeymoon phase then eventually like when it
comes out that's like a
glorious time when it's kind of like and then the girl's looking at me you put
together a compilation
oh my god put together a major compilation dude he's a far comp dude dude that
what a trooper she
was too yeah um yeah that's kind of a good is it litmus test is that the word
yeah of like okay
can they hang or not or you know because that's fun once you could do that yeah
but i'll tell you
what i'd become a stern nun myself if the girl folks no oh dude dude i become a
bit of a stern
nun dude so is that sexist i don't know because my ex-girlfriend got really
comfortable and she
ripped one once i was like no no no no no no never again different never again
dude yeah never again
that's for the boys stink dude that's for the boys yeah theirs are so bad i get
furious if i smell my
wife's fart i'm mad i'm like what the are you just yeah it's for it last night
i actually
actually got up and farted in the bathroom because they were i had like hot
terrible ones so i did
i might i might have she always like you go to your dragon's breath yeah but
yeah you gotta girls
shouldn't fart ever unless they're with amongst them each other i think women
should only fart and
women company and guys should just carte blanche yes all day every day guards
guys should fart at the
most inopportune times it's not sexy when girls do it it's not sexy no let's be
real when a guy does it
it is sexy so sexy let's let's let's be honest they should have a they should
have one of those cologne
commercials where the guy's just like going through a meadow by the way i saw dune
2 it's just a
cologne commercial oh stop i loved it i loved it but it's a three hour cologne
commercial the black and
white gladiator scene i was sick it was awesome but it was just a clone
commercial when he was walking in
the tunnel with the girl after i was like oh man i've loved this movie for five
hours this is a
cologne commercial it is it's chalamet like
yeah the black and white parts the gladiator arena yeah yeah it starts in there
yeah that movie
was so sick it was sick that is funny though that absolutely was shot like it
was a clone commercial
i was trying to put my finger on it i was like damn that was crazy like what
was that
how did they do that it looked nuts but he erupts it definitely was a cologne
commercial yeah they did
clone commercial guy without eyebrows hot walking around that was elvis yeah elvis
was nice in that
elvis was very good at that very evil he was a little evil man he was dude it
was i i watched that on
i think saturday and in my all day in my head i was just like yeah i'm i'm dude
i am you are i am
dude like because i can't remember one character's name i am dude i kept trying
like i'm the apple is
the only name dude it's paul you know dunes an acronym desert underground necrophiliac
entertainment
society
you just dropped the s so what i like about simon is when you hang out with simon
he's done stuff
you're geese 48 is crazy 49 oh i'm 49. you're 49. i have a body of a 48 year
old you look great i feel
great you look fantastic i feel fantastic thank you no wife no kids maybe yeah
true but just the things
you've done i lived a while i think i just did the right drugs like i didn't do
the i i was into a
stoner so i was never into like blow and all the things that'll make you a lot
of alcohol i was more
into like popping a zany and smoking weed so i think it just slowed me down
instead of like
yeah i think i think well it's just genetics i don't know but thank you i'll
take that as a
compliment the music career the like all that dirt nasty when i toured this
dirt because i basically
lived your guy's life like i did uh mad if you know i did a music comedy
character for years called
dirt nasty fitting for the opening fart and um and i lived on the road touring
and you know driving from
fucking chicago to detroit overnight show show and then it became to the point
i was doing it in my
30s and i was like this is something for a guy in his 20s i'm too old for this
at 30 i was thinking
that and i did for about 10 years and it got to the point where you know you
you do drink on the road
and you'd look at the tour schedule it's like okay i'm in detroit thursday chicago
friday i won't drink
on i i'll drink in chicago you gotta like figure it out because there's no way
you could hit it every
night and then one time i did a show and i filled my jack daniels bottle with
apple juice and i'm
pounding it on stage pretending to be drunk because i couldn't drink every
night and a fan grabbed the
bottle and pounded it and just looked at me like you fraud like the moment he
just my guy my hero is
a fraud because he he knew it was apple juice so i had to fake it sometimes and
then i realized fake
drunk was even better because i was fully in control but acting drunk because
the persona was like hey i'm
fucked up yeah damn that's pretty impressive though to fake drunk that hard for
all those people was
pretty nice yeah it was fun yeah i'm sure it's freeing yeah yeah and then you
go to bed you're fine and
like it's like when people drink na beers and they're like i actually feel a
little they feel like i feel
like i'm having fun that's like a placebo kind of situation and there is a
little bit alcohol just like
the uh my stepdad was an alcoholic growing up and he would drink a 12 pack of
mirror beers in the 80s
and he's like i'm buzzed yeah you'd be like i'm but that's pretty nice you put
the governor on him
though you just put a governor on my god you guys can only get 12 na beers it's
na beer belly
yeah yeah that's that's sick dude yeah so i relate to you comics and i'm such a
comic fan i just like
i'm a comedy nerd and i uh so i understand the road and like you came home last
night from chicago
three nights in real you just had sml just like you came home and slept 10
hours i'm like yeah it was
nice that the road will you up i meant to ask you that you're fully settled
down now your nervous
system was like i mean chicago was very nice compared to the last two weeks
yeah yeah that was
also i didn't get to say it before publicly thank you dude when you were at snl
wow dude that helped
me a lot that was a blast you were such a nice i was nervous you were my rock
dude you were my anchor
brother oh you went with them cool and everybody else is sitting there like
this is what you need
to do this you got to do this you got to do this like don't read the cards read
it like do this and
matt was just like this is crazy how good you are oh that's awesome that's good
yeah thanks dude i'm
serious i was the one person that was like i this is crazy well it's funny too
because i was like do
you remember any of that you're like no there's like seven people came in like
look to the camera
look left read this line and we're gonna scratch that word remember we took
that word out and i was
like do you do you remember that no i was just standing out of it yeah all
right that was crazy
though yeah that was crazy just from like a psychological point of view it's
like you're
about to go on then just to have you rushed with 50 people giving you like
minor tiny critiques it's
like dude that's not doesn't put someone in a good headspace i don't remember
one thing of that
yeah i was nervous like walking into the building i was like oh jesus yeah in
the building is scary
it's intimidating i got to go recently to see pete when he hosted it uh
recently and it was magical just to be
backstage and see how it all works and like it was pretty cool it is cool when
you walk in it was
funny dude when i went in i had a uh so i called called becky and i was like
hey how do i get in
here she like gave me like she's like directing me so i'm like walking around
getting like puppeted by
her directions and i go to this office and i'm like i'm here now to go to the
dressing room and they're
like what i was like uh uh i don't know how this works oh yeah i'll get down
there they're like oh
well little i guess they'll send some