Name: Ep 487 - Sus Patrol
Uploaded: 2024-03-28T19:19:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 487 - Sus Patrol' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 487 - Sus Patrol' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-28. Transcript available.

Ep 487 - Sus Patrol

the wild wild west yo there's a lot going on finally some news it's been i've
been waiting
for a bridge to get hit by a boat yeah dude there's been nothing going on that's
i mean
yeah thank god for the podcasting world the podcasting world will solve this
issue we're
like bugs on world events we just something terrible happened diddy's a molester
dude the
diddler diddler's in super trouble dude he's in big trouble did we break that
story
we were pretty close we were early on the diddler you know who broke that story
yeah yeah he was a fed hard yeah he knew no he's not fed yeah he was like diddy
and meek are feds
yeah that's pretty crazy but yeah dude 50 is hinting dude yeah man at hove at
hove being i mean the
black community for them all a huge swath of the black community already has
him on like sus patrol
big time just oh it's illuminati charges he had early illuminati charges early
ones who knew it was
just that's just being involved with potentially the intelligence services yeah
potentially again i don't
know i don't know i think it's pretty clear that this is the clintons how do
the clintons get you dude if
you're a rapper and the clintons hit you up like yo we want you to do this
thing how in the world are
they able to get you yeah it works unless
i'm not gonna say it that was the funniest clip of all time this is number one
i'm gonna say who did
it do the uh yeah i was telling you on the way here diddy's wife sued allegedly
for him bringing the
bros through the professional bros dude imagine you're on a date cassie's
allegations were that
cassie's excuse me cassie's allegations were that the diddler would take her
out for a nice dinner and
then call like the dancing bear troop to come through yeah he had the plug for
pro dudes
you see the dude driving outside and he's talking about how did he has bus
the buses filled with little kids coming to his house at 3 a.m all the time
who was white neighbors said that no that was the one i was saying that one was
a black neighbor that
yelled at that article was good though you need to bring that up from the root
dude that was great
do you with the root at all lemair do you with the root that's probably what's
scramble in your
mind dude no dude i don't with the root i never heard of it never heard of the
root no there's the
root there's mother jones they're like there's mother jones wild articles but
the root ran an article
being like diddy's white neighbors are the problem diddy's white neighbors call
the cops because they
don't like him having too much sex and parties yeah the karens they're trying
to blame this on the
karens which is like dude i don't know man i need more karens bro we might we
might have to go on
karen arrest we shunned the karens and since then crime's gone through the roof
it's true that's true
you know one lady got rid of crimes only predators you know true it is a symbiotic
relationship yeah we need karens about out and about because now they're shame
now it's like i don't
want white ladies feeling they can't call the police if they you know then they
feel that way
people's lives got ruined for calling the police apartment remember the central
park lady which one
like oh yeah yeah the bird watcher guy yeah i think he was well like being
weird as to that
lady he said he was gonna kill her dog probably yeah and then she started
swinging it around
yeah you're not gonna kill me i'm i'm gonna kill my kill my dog well i mean we
got to check in we
should do an like investigative report and see how apartment complexes pools
are going so that's when
karen's freak yeah if you're chilling by the apartment complex pool and you all
of a sudden you just
start you see like 12 black teenagers you start going yeah you go no i didn't
see wristbands no way i
i didn't see wristbands they're not going to ruin my pool day i'm trying to i'm
trying to read some
grisham really yeah dude you should find it no no i'm saying the pool ladies i'm
just trying to
lay in the sun trying to read the rainmaker and read some legal thrillers yeah
i mean dude there
is no harsher vibes the apartment complex pool is might be the harshest vibe of
all time
there's one dude standing with his arms out of the pool apartment complex pool
is rough watching like
two puerto rican kids jumping in and out of the water yeah con man's in one
right now is he really
yeah he's got one up there oh that's got to be nice you gotta swim so soft and
gently oh we talked
about last time what lemare got there and he was he was in a bad mood and the
babes were at the pool
and he was grumpy about it yeah why yeah i would be to see my fat but i would
yeah i would rather
i would rather black teens than babes yeah dude every single day i'd rather
have the black teens
no no diddy on that for real true yeah take that back that's a big diddler
comment big diddler
big diddler dude a busload i downloaded twitter again just to follow the diddler
the diddler black
twitter on on the diddler was as funny as it gets it's dude it's unbelievable
yeah and especially dude
busloads of kids is kind of wild just any twitter i don't know why i said black
twitter but you know
black twitter black twitter is a distinct entity that's like they cover i mean
dude i follow the meek
stuff like the audio of them it's clearly just gay porn it's just it's just gay
porn there's no way it's
audio like here's the audio of them you think it's actually meek how could you
tell that it's meek
it's just a gay guy being like yeah you can use a distinctive voice yeah yeah
that's actually have
you heard it yet that's what it sounds like that's just how he raps all the
time i'm rapping it does
sound like he's rapping not really i think audio meek mill i got a hundred
pumps hold up wait a minute
oh my god that's disturbing dude i know it's vulgar that's absolutely
disturbing this is the video of
that guy scream coming that's hurtful dude because then it's just a picture of
diddy and meek while
the audio is playing really you could put a hit piece out on anybody yeah just
get a picture of
two people and just play gay porn and be like here's leaked audio this is them
i found they're all i was
outside their bedroom recording yeah yeah i had a wire i was in the corner jacking
off with my shirt on
so as not to expose my wire i surrounded myself with six male prostitutes for
protection but you
you know what i'll give this to diddy on that one with his wife cassie maybe he
suffered from a bad case
of like self-gifting you know when you think something's really sick and you
get it for
someone and they're like this isn't really my thing yeah he was probably like
yeah six gigolos
that's everybody's gonna want this yeah i did he was like dude this is what i
do all the time on my
birthday yeah having dude having the plug on six male prosts is like you know
how deep you got to be in
hookers to like find that many male prostitutes that's gross yeah i don't know
you'd have you'd have
to get like pretty in the mix of hookers just to find male prosts i mean i
guess he probably had a
uh yeah he probably had like the escort service he probably had the ultimate
plug but that's dude if
true my god those boys are probably having fun though the six pros for diddy
how hard would you
for bad boy entertainment oh i'd go as hard as i could for bad boy now i'm west
coast by the way oh yeah
true i used to be east coast taught that you'd be death row now now i'm death
row you just had you just
hang diddy's wife by her ankles over a hotel balcony instead of her like suge
knight
did you see that they said uh i think it was jay-z's big pepper video was
filmed on epstein island
nah i saw it now it was fiesta with fiesta yeah with r kelly kelly yeah fiesta
fiesta
uh i think it was filmed in miami but it's fun to say
i looked it up the illuminati changed the google search and they said it was in
miami it's like bro that
was obviously on episode i think i saw nickelodeon logos shaped like epstein's
island come on dude
really definitely not just a splat yeah true yeah that i mean dude i i'm just
curious of who's all
going to go down with the diddler because he's gonna he'll probably he's gonna
he's gonna get
suicided you think yeah yeah but who's if he's got the dirt on jay-z hope's not
gonna let that out do
you think they'll hang him with a gucci scarf
yeah they could do that they could just say he was trying to jack off strangling
himself true
everyone will be like yeah definitely he got smothered under like 18 male prostitutes
he died in a stampede in a dog pile in a scrum those dog piles get vicious
though i bet you ever
been on the bottom one not sexually i've been i played i played rugby football
yeah
ow you stepped on me that was my favorite whenever yeah in football like if
somebody scored a touchdown
just jumping on them and having them be like yeah yeah yeah it's been a very
shameful week in the
press very shameful and then there's the nickelodeon documentary that came out
i watched that that's
what i was watching the last two years it's a tough watch yeah it's a very
uncomfortable i've yet to see
it but i believe it's probably pretty brutal yeah i've heard about that guy
forever by the way schneid
man they schneider schneider got off easy on that i know they were just saying
he didn't he didn't get
accused of any sexual assault in that he did not in the documentary no okay but
they they had the bro
the bros were sneaking around dude that's what i heard a couple bros got caught
on all that can't
you release it really yeah dude i knew i used to watch all that when i was
younger and i was like this
is not funny and i knew i could tell there's something going on here they had
me i was you
like the programming worked i was they would do the don't laugh challenge i'm
like bro i can crush these
things i hated every every segment i was like this isn't funny the dude in the
bathtub talking french
would almost get give me one segment from all that what was his name pierre
yeah yeah dude
still i love when the guy loved ketchup come on dude that was another guy from
what good burger
no uh keenan would play a chef who loved ketchup that's pretty good anything
kel was in he'd go
around being hell repair man man man man man man you kel would make me laugh
but that was a different
show wasn't that uh no it was all that they were all that and then good burger
who loves orange soda
that was all that good burger keenan kel yeah kel would get me i was like kel
was the one guy that
would get me to crackers i remember i was very young i liked the fat lady doing
the news
lori beth when i was a kid i was like that's that lady's got talent you liked
her yeah i styled my
entire career off that was my original my mentors are leaner da vinci lori beth
ginsburg
what's lbg up to right now tell me lori beth ginsworth ruth bader what's lgb up
to she's just hitting
comic cons now oh nice yeah she's just in the she's in the circuit damn in the
comic-con whack-off
circuit that's the next one dude yeah all the pedophiles get to meet all the
grown-up kids now
that's the next one that's gonna get busted there'll be a comic-con documentary
where that's
gonna be a diddler that's a that's a diddler's dream dude yeah that's a
playground for it now there's
one guy in the all that that's the it's not funny but it is there's one dude
that was a like a
production assistant on all that and he would like be the liaison between the
kids and the parents and
like he became friends with all of them and he was like a normal nice guy
everyone was like this guy's
great and then he emailed he got he got the kids emails and be like i think you've
got something we
can work in the future on this so all the parents were like yeah definitely
this is great they're they're
in the business now yeah yeah and then he would he sent this 10 year old girl a
email with a picture
of him jacking off naked and the mom said she just heard her daughter start
like scream crying and
running into her bedroom a