Name: Ep 489 - The Council
Uploaded: 2024-04-11T23:44:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 489 - The Council' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 489 - The Council' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-11. Transcript available.

Ep 489 - The Council

wow wow west oh my god you're screaming into the atmosphere we're finally back
dude we were fired
up dude you got me you got me up right yeah i'm motherfucking sigmon fraud
psychoanalysis can go
itself that's that's a position held by a lot of people that is a position held
by a lot of people
but then there's you know technically the talking cure did work letting people
talk talk talk talk
talk and rearrange their basically symbolic self you know there's something to
that as well talking
talking talking talking and going oh wait a second yeah so you can gleam an
insight you can gleam a
valuable insight that only you can experience as being completely valid through
conversation yes yes
and that's the argument against therapy some people say like dude this is we're
basically prostituting
a form of relationship that should just be held you know hell yeah but that's
that's uh i see both
sides of it i absolutely see both sides yeah i could see it working if you didn't
have any buddies
yeah no or no brewskis and buds no brewskis no brewskis and buds you're gonna
need to hire someone
to talk to true you can't go down to the local b-dubs and chat it out and go my
wife is
such a cunt yes can we get another pitcher or you might want to access
something outside of your context
i'll get 10 garlic parm my wife's a cunt and all your buddies go yeah dude my
wife's a cunt and then
you go yeah but maybe i should have gone to my her parents house yeah they go
wow i just saved seven
hundred dollars to listen to some fucking dickhead from nyu talk to me about
have you considered going
to her parents house why what do you what comes up for you when you think about
her parents house
like extreme boredom what what happened to you as a child that you don't want
to go to her parents house
yeah yeah now i'm just against being bored like wait a second i had parents
were you ever bored at your
at your home growing up and go holy i was well this is a breakthrough well
worth every penny i was
basically molested by boredom yeah there's a but there there's an argument to
like you can get outside
of your context because if you if you're if you're in the if your b-dub circle
only has access to a certain
level of discourse and then you're trapped within this thing where you either
conform
or the beat-up circle the council the high council just different sports jerseys
like
yeah my most trusted advisor my most trusted advisor my friend in a viking's
jersey
god these wings are hot today p-dubs makes them hot your friend's eyes are just
teary that truly
sounds like hell i feel sorry that's good though you need the b-dubs council
you need the b-dubs council
to be like dude stop being gay go do it you are at 1000 right about that you
need the b-dubs council
yes for sure and i do pity those without the b-dubs council it's true man you
need to be otherwise
you can get sucked into the absolute labyrinth that is your wife's brain
because they are world builders
dude they can create just the wildest world and you would need the b-dubs
council to be like
yeah yeah yeah you're not in that world because you get lost she's making the
world up you will get
lost in her world dude you will get lost god damn going out the b-dubs council
going to your lady's
house just dreaming about being at the b-dubs council instead can't wait to get
out of here to go
straight to the b-dubs dude the garlic parm the garlic parm man that was a
major issue in a previous
relationship of going b-dubs council no going to the her her family's house for
like holidays and
shit yeah actually it's been almost every relationship but there was one
particular one an old one that was
uh i couldn't do it it was just women there was literally zero b-dubs council
within the family
house bro you need i doubt i'm telling you that is a real thing it's and i dude
they would sit and just
talk about stuff yeah they would talk about they're like oh at macy's they have
a sale on these and then
the other girl would go oh i need to get down there at boscov's they're selling
these blenders for 30
off dude it's insane these are really good blenders they're birds they're birds
grabbing twigs for the
best it's insane i'm telling you if you don't have they you can be the hardest
strain of feminism
whatever but i'm i'm not being mean i'm not trying to own babes but it's like
if there's not a dude
around yeah for years it's you need it yeah otherwise lady the chicks go crazy
dude you need someone
talking football in world war ii you'd absolutely need that or just a guy going
what are you worried about
yeah that's not real and they go oh okay thank you because they will spin
themselves out into
oblivion chicks can hold i think like six thoughts in their head at once it's a
curse i swear to god
they're running they're running on just like it's insane the hydra's in there
just like yeah she called
you fat the blender is good i caught a glimpse one time i've talked about b-dubs
again call him right
now ruin the council i think your stomach hurts yeah yeah dude there's one time
because you know when
you're like at night time when you're falling asleep that's when your brain can
really just
kick it into gear and you're like what's going on one time like britney was
breathing heavy i'm like
what's up with you and she went and named like 14 things in 10 seconds and i
was like oh what the
god damn i was like you're running like six worries at once yeah i'll get home
and just be like i was a
idiot tonight and then she's on one track she was like doom doom doom doom past
present future three
different people and it was just like what the i was like whoa just stop yeah
okay just lay down
although i'll say the ultimate cure especially for the babes
like you know when you talk and talk and they're like like i don't want to sell
my problem you just
got to grab them and just you have to just squeeze them yeah you just literally
need to squeeze babes
and be like just shush it works you can talk all you want they just need to be
squeezed and hug
no matter like that point and you rub their bellies you gotta squeeze them
you then and then you squeeze them and you go this feels good
maybe i should touch you parlay that in yeah i've been much more forceful i was
talking about it with
lamera sexually yeah not like force forceful but like i've been putting it on
the table man yeah
i've been letting it be known like look i'm a man god damn it i am a man man
and i have needs god
damn it and i don't guilt i go look if you don't want to do this that's fine i
will not hold it against
you although i will deep down inside deep down inside subconscious yes of
course but i will be like
no for real i'm not mad and then i'll like just that's just your arm will touch
me and i'll go
yeah are you mad no i'm not i'm not mad why would i be mad get off from me you're
my only outlet for
sexual pleasure and you're not giving it to me yeah i'm not mad yeah man that's
fine with me
especially off the nog especially since my governor is saving me the governor
has i forget every single
time i forget and you go i go i go oh license and registration i haven't done
this in a few days and
they go i'm gonna need to see your license god damn it do you know why i pulled
you over i can't
believe i'm a big disgusting pervert maybe texas took the nog from us i refuse
to go to another website
really are you hitting them with the photo id no i i haven't i've been off the
knock when i'm home
i'm off the knock damn it's a tough stretch we're gonna test the nog this is a
tough stretch i'm home
for a few weeks we're gonna see what happens you might fall to reddit porn i
have never done the
reddit porn everyone turns out turns out only fans is legal here i might have
to become a little fat pay
pig get some girlfriend although i've seen only fans and they're never great
really i don't think
i don't think i'm having sex or anything it's just like a girl's boobs you go
damn god damn and i want
to see you really yeah i'm sure there's ladies out there going yeah yeah hog
wild but i haven't found
them yeah dude you're probably thinking of just like rachel dolezal is the only
fence yeah i get
tricked that's probably straight up but i've been tricked on uh instagram i'll
be honest i've i've got
myself so i went off no porn all of lent i'm still on no porn but i have i'm
back to the point where i can
fire up like chicks in bathing suits yeah i can do a bikini fap which is dude
you feel like nice just
fapping feels good dude jacking off on your own although if you dark room quiet
did you ever get
into a weird thing where you're just like i'm jerking off a guy that fucks me
up now i'll get into that
right that's freud dude you're just jacking off just relax just relax but you're
jerking off a guy and
you were liking any jerked off analyzing instinct and thought bothers me so
much
jerking off is a technology jerking off is pure instinct it's technology it's
pure it's tech
it's big tech the phone is part of the tech just jack it off dudes have been whacking
off
that was step one true but like the wheel is tech fires technically tech is a
natural thing it's like in
the bible like don't jack off dude that was day one was it really i don't know
he's not jacking
he's jacking off in the bible i don't think he's in the bible i just think like
your dad couldn't
catch you or else you had to like leave the country i think if your dad caught
you fapping you gotta like
go take like four camels and just walk across the desert the bible never
specifically mentioned
masturbation what the hell am i worried about they're gonna hit you with some
purity becoming
sanctified avoiding lust yeah but they were avoiding lust back then because you
would like
knock a lady's tent down and like eat her ass in the middle you know what i'm
saying dudes were getting
mega horny desert so they were like yo chill bro romans romans 8 5 6 says the
mind governed by
the flesh is death but the mind governed by the spirit is life and peace that's
what i'm talking
about the habit of self-pleasure is a great example of the flesh governing the
mind the flesh keeps
governing the mind dude it does thankfully the actual government governs my
flesh and true you cannot watch
porn hub true god damn it if i could even get one of those gifts that they
advertise with i would
uh thumbnails would be fine thumbnails all the boy needs thumbnails governor
abbott release the thumbnails
yeah do you notice how cool guys were about that by the way they like came
after our reproductive rights
and we were like all right whatever the state decides we weren't fucking we
became communists
immediately like the state decides i saw a sticker bumper sticker the other day
it said if men could get
pregnant abortion would be a sacrament and i was like or maybe we would just
handle it and shut the
up
how about that lady i know i know we're getting rowdy no it's not just you i've
been fired up but that lady
that sigmund freud fired me up now i'm based bro thought true that's the
ultimate base that is dude and
you might be on to something with that yeah i thought it's very eastern by the
way thoughts dude don't put
that on me either don't you dare put that on me i hate the that's very eastern
slashes the web of
eastern medicine can go yourself dude i'm done with eastern medicine
no it's going to pervade our culture it's coming it is here oh it's
the mayor's in the house dude eastern bullshits here look at the shit he's
drinking
that's just chinese grape soda
that's his eastern medicine that's the black nerd elixir dude that's crazy
chinese grape soda
that's the high that's every black nerd's dream that is high octane black nerd
fuel
when you sip it it's like
cap cap god damn it where did you get the oh there's that store right up the
street yeah
i got it from asashi yeah was like a sushi place no it's like a japanese market
it's pretty cool
god damn dude that's pretty tight you have access to a japanese market yeah it's
j