Name: Ep 493 - Free to Tuck
Uploaded: 2024-05-10T14:00:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 493 - Free to Tuck' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 493 - Free to Tuck' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-10. Transcript available.

Ep 493 - Free to Tuck

Wow, wow, Wes.
I'll take bad selfies and put them on the thing.
That's a selfie.
Yeah, that's good.
That's a good.
You can't do that, man.
You need to have good production.
Your podcast is not going to work without production.
Sean said he's going to try to AI it so a mouth on the picture just moves.
He's so tight.
I'll give him like four different pictures.
We should start doing that.
Yeah.
Like Family Guy, you know what I mean?
How Family Guy would have like a cut to a joke that had nothing to do with the
episode.
Like if we come up with a joke, we should have an AI video of the joke.
For fucking sure.
Yeah, you could have a guy drenched at a restaurant.
You know what I mean?
It's like a shitty AI reenactment.
Are we recording?
You're now recording.
Oh, okay.
Well, that's a good idea.
You guys just got a glimpse in the creative process.
Yo, that's crazy.
That's a good idea for a podcast.
We should podcast when we don't know we're podcasting.
Oh, I think that would get us in a little bit of trouble.
We need a secret producer.
I think, yeah.
We need to get tapped.
We do have a secret producer right now.
True.
I'll take care of your boy.
The catamaran plan is in the building.
I'm so scared that I'm fucking this out.
It looks like it'll be good.
If you fuck it up, it's fine.
Guess what?
If we lay down an hour of fire and it didn't work, we would just lay down
another fucking hour of fire.
Yeah, it's nothing to us, dude.
Also, Ak, get off our fucking dick, dude.
Yo.
Ak, shut up, dude.
Don't bring that up.
I love Drake.
I don't know why he once smoked with Philly Thoroughbreds all the time, dude.
He went out freak.
Now he's coming.
It's like, what are you doing, bro?
He's calling freak.
He went out Meek, dude.
He went out King Meek, and now he's a dude.
It's crazy.
I wish I, of all the things I've ever gotten in trouble for, brought up, that
one hurt.
Last night, that one hurt.
I love Drake.
I have no, they're like, Drake and Shane are friends, dude.
He knows.
I know.
That's kind of nuts.
I don't know anything.
I also.
We were just back in our QAnon phase where we were trying to find, we were
trying to
find all the pedophiles.
We weren't pedophiles.
He put out euphoria.
He got me hard with high school teens.
His fault.
That was his fault, so I called him a pedophile.
Also, it might be the best character ever, Domination Daddy.
The dude, the posited gay alpha dad who was having sex with trans teenagers.
Just plowing trans teens.
The ultimate trap.
That was a trap, dude.
I know.
Domination Daddy.
Did you ever watch Euphoria, Catamaran, playing?
No.
But I just want to say on that video, I watched it last night of you calling
out Drake for
the pedophilia.
I love that you're open with, I want this on record.
You declare that I'm calling it right now and I will need people to bring this
up later
on.
I saw you when you found out about, I've never seen someone so ashamed of
something they've
said.
This is the true remorse coming out.
I think that was the era of him with the Stranger Things lady.
It was the Stranger Things and Euphoria.
Yeah, it was pedophile.
I was like, I know it.
It was the red, it was the red scare of pedophiles.
I saw a guy, you know, it was funny.
I saw a guy on Twitter or X or whatever come up with a thing like, guys,
actually the law
of consent is 16 years old.
So Drake's not a pedophile.
It was, I think he was fucking around trying to be funny, but it was.
You can't, you gotta, you can't defend it like that.
You gotta just.
His defense of it, I swear, I swear it was in the, in the, within the rat beef,
him being
like, bro, if I were a pedophile, I'd be arrested.
It's like, wait, what?
What are you talking about, dude?
He's like, the amount of pussy I get, if I was fucking that many kids, I'd be
dead.
Yeah.
It's like, good point, I guess.
That's a fair point.
Drake fucking rules, dude.
I take it back.
Yeah, I don't know.
I think he rules, unless he's a pedophile.
If he's a pedophile.
Well, that goes for everybody.
Exactly.
That's true.
That's true.
That's a fair point.
You have to be so great.
Yeah.
You have to be Michael Jackson.
Greatest of all time.
Yeah.
You think Tom Brady could be a pedophile?
No, you think if he wanted to be, he's a goat at Netflix, so he's not good
enough.
He's the goat, dude.
How many touchdowns you need, bro?
How many touchdowns you need to be?
The roast was crazy.
The roast was really fun.
That was, man.
I'm so glad I didn't do it.
Yeah.
That whole ride over, when we were driving to it, I was like, thank fucking God
I'm not
performing on this.
It was so nerve-wracking.
There's so many fucking hot celebs.
There's so many hot celebs.
I'd be so afraid to perform in front of the hot celebs.
It did have, like, that fucking dude yelling when Kim Kardashian was getting,
she got booed,
which was kind of sad.
Yeah.
Made me sad.
That's like a throwback boo, though.
I was telling you, it was so hot, like, nine years ago to be like, fucking
Kardashians.
Yeah.
It was just a thing you did.
I don't know what they were all mad at, but I understand the logic behind it.
You're just up in the fucking, the top part of a stadium.
Yeah.
The most beautiful lady walks on stage.
You're drunk.
Once you hear one person start booing, you're like, yes.
Boo.
It's time to destroy her.
But anyway, at the end of her set, she was on her, like, closing joke.
And we just heard a guy from, from the rafters, just by himself.
The whole room was quiet.
And this guy just goes, bitch.
It was so fucking funny.
Just a guy, he's calling her a bitch.
It was so crazy.
That is a, that's a wild move.
If he was with his, like, girlfriend.
I know.
Just spassed.
They got in a fight after it.
He was so mad at Kim Kardashian.
His girlfriend was like, she's a smart businesswoman.
He's like, she's a bitch.
I've had that exact argument.
Oh, that's girl's number one.
She's actually a really smart businesswoman.
It's like, okay.
Yeah.
Sweet.
Yeah, we've had that.
She, her set, she was making fun of, whatchamacallit, Caitlin.
Yeah, that was funny.
She was slamming.
It was pretty funny.
Netflix really took off the gloves, man.
Is it safe to say the pendulum swung?
The pendulum, do you think the pendulum.
Did the pendulum chime at the fucking?
The pendulum might have to swing back, dude.
They swung it too far.
Wild.
I mean, they put a bunch of athletes on stage.
True.
Former athletes.
Locker room talk.
Every single joke was just like, dude, you're fucking gay.
You suck dick.
Yeah.
And then they'll, and then it'll be like, you know, I suck.
You're fucking dick.
And then I fucking jizz.
That, Kevin Hart made me laugh with that, of him being like, motherfucking
white boys talking
about sucking each other's dicks.
What the hell is this?
God damn.
Yeah.
But yeah, there was, I will say that maybe it is just me, but I feel like there
was like
a very sinister energy in the roast the whole time.
I feel like it's like a, I feel like I was watching for real, like a, like an
evil, like
a satanic religion.
It felt like there's, I truly feel like there's like a entertainment at the
highest, entertainment
at the highest level is a religion.
It was, yeah, it was very adversarial and strange.
And then I just wanted to say Tony was phenomenal and had a career defining,
beautiful moment,
but it was such a cynical like thing.
I, I watched it at my friend's house and I made them watch Japanese no theater
for an
hour afterwards.
Just, I needed something pure and wholesome.
So it's just Japanese people walking very slowly while a shrill flute plays and
they're
making these weird noises.
And then it's a guy with a mask pretending, you know, a little girl mask crying
for an hour.
And it was something in my heart cried out that just like, give me no irony,
please.
Yeah.
No negativity.
Just sad Japanese people doing something from 800 years ago.
It's the only answer.
I'm sorry to have made that interrupt.
No, no, no, please.
No, that's, that's a fair point.
Yeah.
And I always worry, I'm like, maybe this is just me.
Cause I'm like, it could just be pinging my own insecurities, but I was just
sitting
there being like, there is something sinister in the air and I couldn't put my
finger on
it.
I was like, I, I for real felt like it was a black mass.
I was like, this is, that's why I didn't do it.
I know.
I did that.
Even the Lewis roast, I had a lot of fun doing it, but it's like, I don't want
to do
that again.
No.
And those were my friends.
And that's not even that funny to make fun of your friends as hard as you can
in front
of everyone.
The skanks roast was, that's like, that is the skanks.
They're doing that kind of stuff all the time.
And it was fun, but I do get it.
It's like, dude, I don't want to do that again.
And also like, if you guys slam me, I want to fucking spaz.
I'm going to spaz.
Don't slam me.
I'm going to smile with tears in my eyes.
That was really funny.
I'll never forgive you.
I'll literally never forgive you.
I'll go out of my, I'll secretly do bad things to you.
Imagine if you were up in the dais roasting and then like somehow your pants
fell down and
your penis came out and the whole country was like, yeah, dude, obviously your
tiny penis
flung out live on Netflix.
In front of sweet K, sweet Kim Kardashian.
In front of Tom Brady.
Oh, and I got, I've been, I've let things go a little too.
I got a bush going.
That'd be chaos.
Yeah.
I don't even, I think I got, I think I must have a bush because I haven't cut
it in a while.
That's awesome.
I got a bush.
If you had a bush old penis on Netflix.
Tiny bird.
That'd be, that'd be the most.
Hey, Robert, Robert Kraft's here.
Oh shit.
My penis.
Oh, my tiny penis.
It's good to see Robert Kraft.
Oh fucking shit.
Oh crap.
Oh yeah.
You got to, yeah, that would be it.
You fall down and Gronk's trying to pull your pants back off.
Gronk, get off.
Gronk, help.
Gronk, help me.
Gronk on television was, people told me that in the room it felt weird and
drunk and uncomfortable.
On TV, it was sublime.
It was, I thought it was just lit.
When he spiked the shot glass, I'm told that a lady did cop a face full of
glass in the front of you.
Dude, I was right there.
It flew right into a lady.
There were like a bunch of pieces dispersed and one just like ninja starred
right at the table in front of us.
Obviously, sacrifices have to be made for great television.
True, true.
It was a very beautiful moment.
I did enjoy watching the reactions of like the tables in front of us.
They're like these guys, I'm assuming they're kind of well-to-do, like industry
type people.
And they were sitting there and anything anyone would say would be like, oh,
you got divorced.
And they'd go, oh, oh my God.
It was pretty sick.
It was, I was like sitting there like, dude, am I just, am I like something
wrong with me?
Because I would just feel, I would feel nothing.
I did when Tony started killing, I for real was just like, oh, oh my God.
I had the same feeling I had when we were in Orlando and I saw the modern
architecture and I didn't hate it for the first time.
I saw the glass boxes surrounded by the palm trees.
It's like, oh, when it's done like this, when it's at its top level, this is
beautiful and it's good for the spirit.
And it's like, I hate roasting.
And then I saw Tony do it.
It's like, if that's what roasting is, this is fine.
It's just that almost no one is doing it.
The only other one I've ever enjoyed was Norm Macdonald being nice to people.
That's very nice.
Which is sort of killed it for a long time after that.
That was the pinnacle.
It was, I was fun.
It was, I was fun to watch.
I had a good time watching it.
It was very interesting, but yeah.
Yeah, it was fun.
It was long as fuck though.
It was too long, dude.
First hour, it was very fun.
And then.
Fantastic.
But yeah, Tony fucking killed it.
And he like started in the audience and just slowly walked off.
We were laughing about it yesterday.
Just like, just a random gay guy got up and walked on stage and that fucking
killed everyon