Name: Ep 494 - RFK (feat. Robert F. Kennedy Jr.)
Uploaded: 2024-05-14T20:12:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 494 - RFK (feat. Robert F. Kennedy Jr.)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 494 - RFK (feat. Robert F. Kennedy Jr.)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-14. Transcript available.

Ep 494 - RFK (feat. Robert F. Kennedy Jr.)

the wild wild west sorry about that sean our producer's a punk yeah he's a
young punk man
he's a young superstar he thinks he's a hot shot
he got intoxicated and went on instagram live this week really yeah yeah fool
of himself
an absolute fool of himself he tried to delete it and i shared it just to teach
him a lesson
yeah i regret it very much what did you do exactly i just uh not exactly don't
say exactly what you
did i got really drunk and opened up instagram live and played lakeshore drive
do you know that
song lakeshore drive yeah it's very good and i listened to that and it was i
just wanted to
share a moment with everybody and i regret it very much you should well you
learned that's good
thanks guys it'll go away it'll never yeah it's not forever so that's good
well thanks for coming here and doing this i'm uh i'm honored to be here please
we're honored
we're i feel i've been i've been really happy about this so it's just pumping
me up
and apparently so you are because they've they've been trying to say you're
totally out of it but now
you guys have had what you guys are on all the ballots now in all the 52 states
no we're on the
ballots in 14 states we got on texas today we needed texas the hardest one
because you have uh 45 days to
get 100 000 signatures but we found here what we're finding elsewhere it's
incredibly easy for us to get
signatures so we got a quarter million signatures which we try to get at least
double what we need
because the dnc and the rnc are going to come in and try to go through every
signature and try to
you know exclude them really so they take that very seriously yeah they're
going to try they're they're
their um strategy is to keep us off the ballot yeah they're trying to save
democracy by destroying it
yeah yeah that's my fault i i totally for some reason i must have got misinfo'd
i thought it was
we've done the hard states we've we're going to get on the ballot and i think
they're going to they're
beginning to realize that now um we're yeah we're on we've done really
effectively all the hard states
we're not on the other really hard state is new york where you need 45 um you
have 45 days to get 45 000
but you also there's these other provisos that you have to get them from
certain counties and
certain congressional districts a certain amount and we had a um we had a firm
come in and we hired to
do our you know ballot signatures so we had you know 100 000 volunteers in the
state and then we had um
we had a firm come in that was charging us but we suspect that the firm was
actually secretly working
for the dnc and they did things to invalidate almost all the ballots they
collected that if we had not
discovered it early it would have sunk us so we're now we're about to file
litigation against them
if only it was a mail-in vote i think they would take it less seriously
you know so you have to get per state you have to get a certain amount of
signatures to be on the
ballot is that how every state geez okay this is what i always thought and
correct me if i'm wrong
i always thought it was a bad move by the dnc to try to get you off the ballot
because i thought
you might take more votes away from what otherwise would be a trump voter what
do you think of that
i take more votes away from trump than i did from by now at this point so we've
pulled our own people
and we take about 57 of the people who are our supporters who we poll say that
if i drop out of
the race they'll vote for president trump which is why president trump now has
opened up all the
firepower against me but um we also did a poll we did the biggest poll ever
done and at least
in this this presidential race a typical poll like the quinnipiac poll or the
harvard harris poll
the sienna poll the gallup poll has from 1200 to usually 2200 people that they
interview
we interviewed we surveyed 26 000 people the poll has a margin of error of
virtually zero so anybody
who does that poll would end up with the same results and it was very
interesting because what
it shows is that if i stay in the race biden loses if i get out of the race biden
loses even worse he
loses two extra states maine and virginia we did every state and if biden
dropped out of the race i would
beat trump so biden cannot beat trump but i will be trump i don't beat him by
much i beat him by three
electoral votes but biden loses catastrophically to him um and then if trump
dropped out which of course will
never happen but then i beat biden in a landslide so i beat president biden i
take 39 states and he only
gets 11. so i'm actually in a different position nobody's ever been in history
which is a third party
candidate who in a head-to-head race will beat either the candidates from the
major parties damn
and they they won't uh debate you at this point neither of them will well the
debates are scheduled
after the conventions so there's a presidential debate commission and it has
scheduled three debates
the first one is in september 18th and if i'm at a if i meet certain metrics
which the big metric is
15 in recent polling then i will be on the debate stage and i should meet that
metric so they should
have to debate me i mean they should debate me anyway because of what the you
know because my
favorability ratings are better in every poll my favorability ratings are
better than either
president biden or president trump um so if they want to do the right thing
they would debate me
so i don't think they i don't do you think president biden is going to debate i
don't think
i think they'll say that if they debate trump that's a threat to democracy and
they won't dignify trump
with a debate yeah they'll say that they're legitimizing him yeah yeah which is
weird since
he's already been president he's a criminal though yeah he's going to jail but
so what do you how
do you deal with like because you get crushed all the time in the media for
just like i followed it
from a long time for like they were saying like you communicate with your dead
ancestors which every
time every different thing i've seen if you read it for two seconds it's like
oh you're talking about like a
meditative exercise that if anyone else said it'd be like oh that's actually
really nice so like how
do you what are some of like the weirdest mischaracterization mischaracter
characterizations
whatever you've had and like how do you deal with it well they've they've
applied everything to me i mean
the anti-semitic racist talks my dead ancestors um anti-vax anti-science uh i
mean we we should make a list of them
um this week it's that i have a you know i have a brain worm which was actually
true
that was a tough one yeah that was a brain worms though yeah that was i think
13 years ago oh really
yeah because it was in a deposition when when i from for my divorce and i think
it was 12 or 13 years ago
and they and the new york times went up went it back and dug up that deposition
she brought it up in the
divorce hearings you know i don't know it was in a deposition it's a good move
by her for sure yeah
this guy's crazy yeah but i forget the context in which it was brought up but
at that time i was
having like i was having a lot of brain fog and i was having trouble with with
word retrieval
and so i you know a guy who was a buddy of mine he was actually a guy i was in
prison with for the
summer of 2001. i was in maximum security prison and he was my cellmate he's
the head of the biggest
labor union in the country dennis rivera this was when we were pro we were put
in jail for protesting
uh viecas the bombing of viecas and i had one i had been the attorney for the
people of viecas at that
time and he would and he began we we were good friends and he was because he
was the head of the
hospital's union he had a lot of contacts the hospital and i told him that i
was having this
trouble and he said i'm going to get you in for a cat scan you got me in for a
cat scan the the cat scan
showed a black dot in my brain and they said it was a tumor they said it's got
to be a tumor
my uncle had died only a couple of months before from glioblastoma which is a
brain tumor
and teddy my uncle teddy had been on the chairman of the health committee in
the united states senate
for 50 years so we had really good contacts in the medical community and we at
that point because
they'd all been involved the best oncologists and neurologists in the country
had been involved in
treating him so they were all on the speed dial and you know family films so i
was able to take these
films and send them around to the best doctors in the world and they all said
yeah it's a brain tumor
and then um i i was going i had to get surgery and i was going to use the same
surgeon that teddy did which
is this guy in north carolina at duke and i was going in to pick up my films on
the monday and i was
scheduled for surgery on the tuesday which i was not looking forward to and
there was a young doctor
an irish doctor who was sitting in the office where my films were at columbia
presbyterian
and we started striking we struck up a conversation it was about ireland and
stuff and he he said to me
what are you here for and i said i got a brain tumor and he said can i look at
your films and i said yeah
so he put them up on the light board and he stared at him for a long time and
meanwhile you know we had
literally the best surgeons in the world looking at these and this is this
young kid and he looks at
it and looks at it and he said and then he turns to me and he said i don't
think you've earned surgery
and i was like tell me more and he said there's something about this i don't
think it's a tumor
he said what you should do is measure it really precisely and then six weeks
later measure it again
it's a tumor it'll grow if it's not a tumor it's something else so i went back
every six weeks for the
next six months and it never grew and then at the end he said it's probably
this thing called neuro neuro
uh neurocystic circosis which is like a form of a tapeworm that gets new bread
and he said it's dead
you know it's not in there or you'd see it um but apparently it's very common
in india and i had traveled a
lot in india you know because of my work it's also common in the hog industry
and i had been suing
all hog farms for 10 years so i don't know exactly where i got it but anyway
what part of your brain
was it in it was on my left side in the front okay so i think i don't know it's
not super important
for what i know about brains front is important and like the bottom pretty
important sides are just like
memory and balance you don't need that the worm was you couldn't remember words
it was eating the words
what was this a bookworm no no um i don't actually think the worm was causing i
sat on that for five
minutes pause so that was the theory though i don't think it was i because at
the same time i i found
out that i had huge mercury levels so i had 10 times the amount of mercury that
epa considered to save
when i chelated out the mercury my all my cognitive issue my cognitive issues
were resolved and so i
don't even think that the brain where i don't know what the brain worm did you
know i mean a doctor told
me at one point he said you you could lose 10 iq points and you'll never know
it true he said even
people around you won't really notice it so i don't know you know you could do
you think you're as smart
today as you were when you were a kid i don't know i i can't tell i think i'm
smarter but i might you've
gotten smarter my yeah i got audible audible helped me a lot i was pretty
pretty dumb now i've gotten
significantly yeah audible is good audible is good you think you've gotten
smarter no i've gotten dumber
yeah yeah except from the drinking and yeah probably alcohol lack of sleep for
a long time
stress it's incredible well i know there's that my kids seem a lot smarter than
i was and they think
they're smarter than i was so yeah they have the leg up though they get you
know they have the benefit of
how smart you