Name: Ep 496 - Fast Shooters (feat. Sam Tallent)
Uploaded: 2024-05-29T21:44:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 496 - Fast Shooters (feat. Sam Tallent)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 496 - Fast Shooters (feat. Sam Tallent)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-29. Transcript available.

Ep 496 - Fast Shooters (feat. Sam Tallent)

the wild wild west oh oh hello hello sam we're here with sam talent hey guys it's
so nice to be
back it's good to be here yeah good to have you dude it's nice to actually hang
out with the boys
yeah so they just pop in shake hands blow a kiss you know yesterday was so nice
yesterday was a
good day yeah it was fun kids are a lot yeah i'm sorry i don't know how no no
no i can i can handle
it and those kids compared to my sister's kids your kids are angels it's crazy
they're good but
she had a total meltdown it starts the meltdown was funny i've never seen a
meltdown it's so funny
dude yeah they go it's full shakespearean tragedy yeah 6 p.m it's just like oh
james is james's
kid hit a tragedy too yeah now the girl she built a pillow for it at the end
yeah and then james was
like all right let's go and she's like i just built the fort i haven't even
gotten to use it
and then james was like all right let's take a picture next to the fort so we
always remember it
she sat next to it like a pile of fucking pillows on the ground fort sucked
sorry james it was a very
australian fort it was a good australian very aboriginal it was fun to see the
differences in
parenting between you and britney and james and his wife because at one point
um james's daughter
had one of those balloons that they were using in the pool and she approached
britney as i was
grilling the food and britney said you keep that balloon away from me little
girl
it just came out of her and i laughed so hard and then britney was like oh shit
you weren't
supposed to hear that i i smashed one of james's kids with the door he was
standing by that
fucking glass door i opened it was just me and him in the hallway and he was
like
i was like you're fine yeah dude don't fucking tell him they stand right in
front of the doors like dogs
yeah yeah my kids i open my garage door so slow because every i've like opened
it and there's like
what do you why are you standing right there they'll feel just like chill by
the door like a sim they'll
just be like james's baby was he was waiting his face against the glass the
blinds were down
they discovered the doggy door and that was almost a nightmare the doggy door
was big
yeah i banished my eye from the doggy door she's like it's all i want to do it's
a secret door
it's a secret door it's all i want to do it's a portal between worlds dad yeah
and they have a dog run over there too they were safe it was funny the uh james's
wife was saying that
she thought the kid was lying he was like i was at shane's house there's a
secret door there's a
we were in the secret door it's a tiny door she was like all right that's great
yeah i didn't
believe it either they got here and they're like oh it's a secret door i didn't
believe
him either i found a secret door i was just like i know every inch of this
place you didn't find a
fucking secret i looked over i was like oh man to which point you must get a
big feline now it's
set up i do yeah i need a link dude i think i'm gonna live here for another
year in this house so
nice i could get a gato or just get a door that's big enough for lamare to
crawl through
but that means the mayor has to live here for another year to tend to my gutty
door true
that's true that's quite the eye contact yeah don't stare at your phone when we
address you're
looking up cool cats big doors you might have to be the cat procurer too no
racism but we are the
main cat true yeah that's a good cat that's a great cat that's a great cat i
don't think anyone
would assume well if i was just i was just you know attributing it's a pause
the cat tour to lamare
true you never you also never know what somebody can do as well online people
can you can say
anything on a podcast before yeah everything i've never said anything bad oh it's
ai just make up
it was funny you had the hose in the pool the pool cleaner and i held up james's
like one-year-old baby
it's for you to spray it in the belly and you just hit him in the face right in
the face
that baby had to be like well who's this huge man oh i'm up here
yeah spraying the kids was great it was a good day that pool cleaner hose is
that thing's a precious bro things it sucks i just discovered why my water bill
was two thousand dollars
is there a crack in that whenever the boys swim they like to take the robot put
it on the side of the
pool what the last two days i've woken up to you can't take those things out i
totally flooded the
back porch yeah this sprays all night this is the first time we took it out i
think it was the the
robot was going it was out the night before it was out the night before yeah
you can't you can't
interrupt those things at all they're very delicate machines and that call i
just had it was a good one
there was no pause but we were all mute but i got gerby's started laughing the
lady was like these
guys shoot so fast i just looked at german like he couldn't stop
they shoot so fast that's the best thing about tires is they shoot so fast oh
that's so funny
did he give in and laugh he was just no he was dying his face was dark red
this is great gerby's on a zoom call with a meeting is that is my he wears like
a gamer headset does he
yeah he doesn't he doesn't wear a headphone he has a full gamer headset he's
like the guy from grandma's
boy and he has his glasses and a polo on every time and he's like well yeah
well he dresses up for
this he does i mean it makes sense it's just man him in that context is for
real one of my favorite
things to think about yeah they're very important high pressure meetings and
this you'd be like
i always get it too i'm like god damn steven this show comes out you're gonna
be a sexual icon
i don't know if you talked about on here but when you forced him when you like
made him give
a speech at that big dinner oh it was so good dude the night before we did the
premiere for tires we
had a like a dinner with all the netflix people and i was sitting next to a guy
that was like i'm
gonna give a speech and i was like you have to make steve give a speech and i'm
like for real he's
gonna say no but you have to as a netflix guy be like steve you're the big star
of the show
you're the number one star you have to give a speech and it worked it worked
yeah it worked and
then he gave a nice speech he gave like a heartfelt speech about all of us and
i was like all right
dude shut the up i started crying it's really funny because i'm i'm pretty sure
he was like did
just change did jane tell you do that he did after he was like well i'm not
number one i was like yeah you
are steve you're the big guy you're the big shot and then kyla got up and was
like by the way the
toilets are broken wow wow it's funny to think about kyla's gonna be let loose
just in the next like
shock a lot yeah yeah get in the bathtub you're queer come kiss me in his
bathtub you queer
hey why is everyone queer around here i think that was my favorite line in the
show though was when
she's talking to shaner and that girl and she's like excuse me folks i gotta go
take a poop
get up i like the chocolate milk rumor that had me giggling and you making him
stink and the fact
that he reeked no no no that was it's so funny the uh you hear your little
rumor made it in there
oh that was great too i was a little nod to bill
but no matt you did such a good job of acting people didn't recognize you i
mean bro nothing could
bring me more pleasure than people i didn't know that was you i said my god
there's so many people
that were like where why the is matt there needs to be a matt came in i was
like trust me daddy i got
you yeah dude didn't recognize you too much of a thespian yeah you lost
yourself in that that was
more meisner i think i did a little meisner for that one i have been observing
cops for a long time
now yeah you did somebody got me on that too they're like you can see shane
smile when matt pulls up
when you pull up i'm literally like i like start laughing as soon as you ride
like freeze
yeah i was absolutely delighted that people were like i didn't even know you're
in that i was like
man yeah i might i'd be sick if i developed like it like just a ridiculous
acting ego where i'm just
like just the craft it's just the crap you know i was watching the i was
watching the kevin spacey on
mask last night how was that fine other than the worst thing he did was he jacked
off during saving
he invited the sorry it's the same thing over and over again it's the same
story he goes he meets a
dude and he he's clearly just trying to these guys yeah sure and every dude is
like a hollywood guy
like a desperate hollywood actor that's like this is my big chance he wants to
be my friend he chose
me to be friends with for no reason yeah wow dude there's a reason yeah i know
but that's their mind
they're like he just could see it in me yeah so he's never seen you act you're
at a bar right
he's wearing leather pants yeah the one guy was like he saw me at the golden
globes i was just
standing there and kevin spacey walked up and was like who are you it's like
obviously he's trying to
fuck you dude yeah what do you think that is anyway the one guy he met at a bar
they were
like talking and stuff and then he was like let's hang out oh he's like there's
a party at my house
so they go back to his house he like makes out with him there's no one else
there and then uh
oh he was like people just come and go it's that kind of part yeah that one i
think that actually
might have been a different guy than the saving private ryan guy that's a uh he
got him in the home
theater he got the same private ryan guy they were at a house party and he was
like we should go check out
this home theater yeah i was like okay it's like bro you know what that is he's
watching movies they're
both cinephiles they are cinephiles he grabbed one guy's dick on the set on the
set of the house of
just honked him between shots behind the curtain we were watching it last night
i was like dude i'm
ruined i've honked everyone there's gonna be shane gill is on there's a tent
there's a guy the one guy
he goes out with he's like let's go let's go hang out so they're walking around
they go to a movie theater
the guy had just worked on saving private ryan and he was like oh this is your
movie let's go watch it
so they're sitting in the theater and it's the opening scene it's d-day and the
guy said he looked
over kevin's face he was jacking off to d-day to d-day yeah saving private ryan's
d-day right just
headshot headshot explosion just trying to say he was trying to take his
temperature d-day the afternoon
yeah i mean if you can trick guys that easily it just goes to show that the
women never stood a
chance yeah i mean absolutely right to be fair to spacey that's a very fair
point to be fair to spacey
the possibility of getting head during that d-day scene is immense iconic it'd
be crazy it'd outweigh
all of his oscars it'd be the biggest accomplishment i made a straight guy suck
my dick during
he says that at his walk his hollywood walk of fame speech
of all my accolades he should have put his in the hand star fell forward or it's
just nine fingers
and then one dick imprint guess which one is kevin spacey he's back he's just
like back doing his
thing now what do they do the behind the actor's studio now i don't think they
no no he that wasn't
that was stock footage he just did an interview now didn't he he came out after
three years of silence
okay yeah so the interview was i think for some reason i heard no this was uh
interviewing the
victims just dudes who got honked over the last 25 years what dude's got a honky
battery it was an
absolute honky matter he he likes flipping servicemen that's his ultimate fetish
because his dad was a
nazi and like diddle him like well dressed in ss gear what so his dad was a big
time nazi yeah yeah
and his like brother now dresses like he had a nazi dad jerking off the d-day
makes a little more
sense now true oh yeah he was like these defeat these yeah yeah yeah