Name: Ep 499 - Revenge Body
Uploaded: 2024-06-18T19:20:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 499 - Revenge Body' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 499 - Revenge Body' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-18. Transcript available.

Ep 499 - Revenge Body

wild west man how's it going over there you figured things out guard dog's gone
again
we're relying entirely on them easy we're live right now yeah shit just like
right now now or
like have we been live you've been live for about 30 seconds perfect good just
checking
gives a real we no even for real it seems like a laid-back we're gonna like
your organization but
it's not this is the at-home feel we're getting people we've been before they
turn the camera on
like all right man we're gonna start getting some SEO we don't talk me and Matt
don't we come in
here like two French actors just Opie and Anthony remember that they like hate
each other for the
last few years yeah me and Matt don't speak once until the camera's on there we
go hey hey so cool
it is funny to think about that though how it eventually it does seem to have a
degrading
effect on people as things go better yeah a lot of people get like spun out wobbled
yeah yeah for
sure I really I think autism is an adaptive thing the planet's like changing
humanity to be like all
right you guys are gonna you guys are gonna kill it like everything we're all
the planets like
producing autists right now so only autists will be able to live harmoniously
what do you think about that theory I've I've got a theory for the autism it's
we're doing America the
government knows all those vaccines and chicken nuggets again but they're like
we're gonna have
to keep up with China in a cyber war yeah we're gonna need a 20 million
autistic men so you're saying
that autistic white yeah that America's we're just scratching the surface dude
we're it's a government
conspiracy to create autism it's the only way we're gonna be able to compete
with 1 billion Chinese
scientists that scientists makes perfect sense 20 million white autists just to
compete yeah just
to really just a big China's gonna get on it China's gonna catch up and we're
gonna have 1 billion
autists when they and when they turn it on you know it's gonna be deep yeah
their tisms gonna be
tight it's gonna be crazy they have a very sharp tism they do have the sharpest
tism black guys have
some talk yeah but they get ripped into the fantasy realm they do a lot of
black tism gets like just
totally burn out on just like dragons and like karate yeah but the black tism
the black tism might
not be the sharpest it just seems the sharpest because it's such a break from
being a cool black
true it's it's easily the most luscious it's a very lush tism there's one guy
that I really like
that they film him at a school do you've seen that guy he's like a fatter black
dude and they're like
they're like what are you doing to yeah like what are you he's like sometimes I
break down pens
because because I like to see things at their most base I like to break down
systems sometimes during
class I'll break down a pen hahaha just decide to get people back in stem yeah
engineers it is yeah
that's I'm pumped on it man yeah people are scared of the autist planet dude it's
gonna be it'll probably
actually be pretty tough but then if you like if you were really doing this
they're gonna see how much
fun the autists are having and the the sniveling ruling elites are gonna be
like yeah inject me
inject me with it give it to me sir you'll never come back sir no hand me the
cube
he comes out of the machine he's like when is the new spider-man sir sir I
actually like the new spider-man
the cartoon spider-man's my favorite
he's repeating lines for movies just word for word four minutes straight and
you're like oh sir what if you took I read it I read a book one time about
there was like a um like a chemical agent that got loose that gave people telekinesis
like mind reading powers but then multiple people took it and they all had to
like battle their perverted fantasies about each other it was really sick
there's like a hot lady there's like a horny billionaire guy and a priest and
they're like the priest loved the hot lady but then they all have to like
battle their perverted fantasies about each other it was really sick
there's like a hot lady there's like a horny billionaire guy and a priest and
they're like and the priest loved the hot lady but like the rich guy would be
he would like see hear his fantasy and then she would kind of be into it and he'd
be like he couldn't
control himself and be like you bitch you dirty slut it's like please don't
judge me oh grab my ass it was fucked up it's pretty awesome and then the whole
world eventually takes it and it's just good everything breaks down
then at the very end like the society crumbles at the very end of it they're
like I think we conquered guilt because people just like go into a park and you
just see it would just be anything goes in a park and after like months and
months of it people started being like what's going on?
I think we conquered guilt because people just like go into a park and you just
see it would just be anything goes in a park and after like months and months
of it people started being like what's going on?
yeah and then eventually they're like yeah now we've processed guilt and we've
completely destabilized the entire world economy but he's like we can at least
do whatever we want in parks together and I guess like was it really worth it?
yeah that's the question
that is the question
are your base desires really worth it is a huge question
we need guilt
it's been plaguing man forever we do
guilt's pretty important
we do need guilt
although you know it's tough to temper it back
cause I need heavy I need like an iron clad dome of guilt surrounding me at all
times
yeah
as soon as I'm like what I just do whatever feels good my whole life would just
fall apart
yeah
the lives of my ancestors just ruined or my ancestors I always get that mixed
up
post-cesters
yeah
post-cesters
your future generations
yeah I think I like dude I think about that now
you know I get stunned every now and again I'm like oh dude I gotta be like
shaping my kids lives and minds
I usually for if you didn't know the thing where you're like dude I just get
home from work let's just watch a movie
we let's scratch another day off the board then I go like I gotta start like
interact I get we gotta start coming up with some stuff to do
we gotta hang out with these kids
yeah we start like doing some stuff
you're doing a great job
we've been doing science experiments
I meant that yesterday
thank you man
you're a good dad
thank you
that's fun to watch
you have such good kids
thank you man
that brought me up
yeah but Father's Day was huge
I was actually I went the opposite rather than being like king for a day serve
me
I just got way more into my tasks and I was like I got it
I got it
it's a little obnoxious
yeah well
here's the thing dude
I actually get off on serving you like alright you fucking liar you fucking
dickhead you're doing this to me
well no every now and again you have to it's a non-stop mind battle so I right
now I'm in Buddha mode on the babe
you gotta go Buddha mode I can do like four days of like as you wish and then
like eventually I'll spaz
I've been doing fucking everything for you you didn't even notice
I was so nice for four days you didn't say anything
it's hard though four straight days of being nice is really hard
you think you can go Buddha mode on the babe and they'll like be like oh my god
yeah this is what a great behavior model
dude they just fucking walk right over they say what the fuck
yeah they go he's a pussy now
yeah whatever you want if that's what you like to do it doesn't bother me
I can do three days straight of it then I'll one day be like you knew fucking
what
yeah
I'm fucking sick of shit
just putting a couple words bitch
what was that
I was actually I wasn't done with those strawberries I was about to have some
more but no you can put them in the fridge
it doesn't bother me at all
throw them out
throw them out just throw them out then
because now you're gonna put them back in the fridge I'm never gonna eat them
again
I have one shot of eating these strawberries
and it's crazy because you're like dude what am I doing I can easily this is
not a real problem but the power struggle is so funny
it does make me laugh every now and again if it's just like a little thing will
pop up and it's like you get floored
you're like you're about to be in like a fist fight level of emotions where it's
kind of like I mean yeah I just don't see why that even would be a thing but
yeah sure
and you're like dude just be nice don't be a dick and you'll say something it'll
just be like a
yeah and you'll hit them and they're like you didn't have to do that and they'll
go I didn't do anything
this is what I said this is how I said it I didn't say it the way you're saying
I said it
or the best is when it's just too I said your mom is a bitch
no I said your mom's being a bitch she's not she's not she isn't a bitch
or when it's just totally like this is what you said I didn't say that you're
like dude I totally heard you
no no I didn't say that you go okay so I'm just hallucinating then and usually
you live in parallel realities
it's crazy that's crazy when they when you start to see and you're like and you
you just don't know you're
like dude did I not hear that the parallel realities are tough you get it in
any relationship yeah of course
like I'll you know even I'll catch my mind doing it I'll have done a thing and
I'll be like no you didn't
I'm like dude I don't think you did that they're taking this too seriously I
was not being an asshole
in reality I was like dumping a beer on a guy's head like fuck you what the
fuck are they
mad about fucking kind of soft yeah I uh this guy's a pussy I'll catch my brain
doing it we'll be like
just don't it just don't like recently I left I was like I came in to get Chloe
she was crying I was
like here I'll take over pretty soon just I'm like dude I gotta relax so I'm
holding her I'm like I'm
gonna put her to sleep I can't it's my it's the sweetest joy when you're just
like yeah I got this
and then I go to put her down and she woke back up as I opened the door but the
gate Brittany had left
the baby gate open and like did my mind instantly was like she woke up because
of the baby gate and I
was like yeah she goes the whole room off it was I watched my mind be like that's
her fault and I was
like well no the door clicked I was like yeah but maybe like it created like an
air suction and it
created there so it was like just don't bring up the gate and as soon as you
asked me what happened
I was like you have to fucking get open and fucking woke her up and I was too
late I already said it I
was like well maybe it's the door you can't help it it's crazy you don't like
watch your mind just
manipulate reality and you're like I'm such a fucking piece of shit it's
terrible the water the
what the drinking the water you got struck again dude I spilled water stop
drinking water on stage I
have to I know but you got a master after the bomb I need to sip if I have a
joke it doesn't work I
have to sip so I went back for the duty it was for real you take loud sips too
did you know that you
take extreme you'll be like it's like you're gonna hear the fucking like you'll
buy your hotel joke it
doesn't work and then you go every once in a while I'll see it be like holy
shit dude the
last two weeks I have been forced to acknowledge just how like unpalatable my
presence is for
people who don't know me it's it's pretty bad dude the aversion of the general
public to me is pretty
strong yes they're almost palpable I I've been confronting this lately like
Jesus Christ and
then it makes me laugh in the most weird wretched way inside myself but then I'm
just watching people
who are mad at me and I'm just like dude I don't know what to do for us right
now that's what made
it so fun with when we're together doing stand-up because you know I'm in the
back going yes this
is as funny as it gets keep being weird be weirder if they don't like you I got
hit w