Name: Ep 500 - Inside Out (feat. David Jolly, Lemaire Lee & Shawn Gardini)
Uploaded: 2024-06-26T18:53:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 500 - Inside Out (feat. David Jolly, Lemaire Lee & Shawn Gardini)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 500 - Inside Out (feat. David Jolly, Lemaire Lee & Shawn Gardini)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-26. Transcript available.

Ep 500 - Inside Out (feat. David Jolly, Lemaire Lee & Shawn Gardini)

Wow, wow, Wes.
I'm fucking broke.
Are we fired up?
Fuck out.
If you got the balls to do it, just stay at one of them hostiles, you know what
I mean?
No way.
That's what I'm saying.
I think I'm trying to get molested.
Sleep in the club, dude.
Sleep in the club.
I think you are trying to get molested.
I'm trying to get molested?
No, no way.
Molested is not even worst case scenario at the hostel.
Chopped up to death is the worst part.
You might get, like, gingivitis or something in that motherfucker.
I thought the best was surprise suck.
Surprise suck?
Yeah, you know, you get a surprise suck at the hostel.
Would you be excited?
I wouldn't wake up.
Yeah, you got to play possum.
It depends how much of a surprise it is.
It depends how much of a nice gentleman finish when you start.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
What if it's a dude named George from Ohio with a nice mustache?
He got a nice stache, though, you know?
I wouldn't know.
I'm playing possum.
If somebody was laying in wait to surprise suck your dick in a hostel, it's
probably phenomenal.
Yeah, it's kind of amazing.
It's probably crazy.
This guy's going to sleep when we get up here.
It'd be like getting bit by a mosquito.
It'd be over before you knew it.
You just hear him buzz in your ear.
You carry a lot of diseases.
David Jolly, welcome to the motherfucking podcast.
Mama, we made it!
Episode 694.
We're locked in, dude.
Episode 3 million.
Hell yeah, dude.
My fucking wife just got...
Right before...
Dude, she has like an internal clock.
Right before I start the podcast, she'll call me and be like, when's your high
school reunion?
I'm like, I don't fucking know.
I don't know.
You going?
I don't know.
I didn't even know it was coming up.
She's apparently doing some sort of girl math.
They love that shit.
You got to show up to the reunion, dude.
You got to like buy a gold chain, too.
I might slap one of my teachers.
Hell yeah.
That's what the fuck I'm talking about.
I'm going to wear satin gloves and just slap the staff.
Fuck you.
You got to wear like a cape with that motherfucker, too.
So you can take it off and swing it around.
I should go like a cane monocle.
You got to turn your play button into a chain.
The YouTube play button.
Or the Patreon.
No, I'll wear the Patreon award.
I'll wear the Patreon award.
I'll put that on the top of a cane.
Yeah, a rainbow nutsack on the top of your cane.
And just walk in and be like,
it's a shame you guys didn't talk about buttholes more.
Yeah, exactly.
Who the idiot now?
There's plenty of opportunity out there.
How's your position at Walmart, Clarence?
Clarence.
For real.
I'll be a real dick.
I can't wait to my next reunion.
Oh, I'm being a real dick.
I've never been to one.
My 10-year one's coming up next year.
You got to go.
You got to buy a gold chain, too.
Drop a Flexbomb.
You got to wait till like 20.
You got to wait till 20 to go back.
10's lit.
Yeah, because...
Everybody's still young at 10, though.
No, but 10's all the dudes who never let go.
Yeah, yeah.
They still talking about the Eagles and shit all day long.
What they doing in preseason.
Captain of the football team.
Remember the last year of high school when I fucking tore my leg?
I would have made it, man.
I would have made it, dude.
Yeah.
I'm going to transition and go to my 10-year.
That's not bad.
That'd be sweet as fuck.
Beautiful.
Same mustache?
Yeah.
Keep the mustache, though.
I might be a beautiful woman.
I would do.
That would be pretty cool.
Yeah, yeah.
Or just don't put any effort.
Just fucking show up as is, but dressed really femme.
Yeah.
You should have a million-dollar gown on.
Yeah.
Beautiful ball gown.
I would go to Lady Gaga.
You going to keep the mustache?
Yeah.
Hell, yeah.
You got to keep the mustache, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah, you might get a special out of it.
For real.
I'd come find you and be like, dude, you are so brave and beautiful.
You're an anomaly.
Ain't that the right word?
Anomaly?
Yeah.
I think that was right, yeah.
I saw a picture of Caitlyn Jenner the other day getting out of the car, and
they're like,
yo, she gave up.
She's back to Bruce.
Really?
Yeah.
You think she ever like-
Heart of a champion?
Heart of a champion, dude.
Bruce won't die.
Did she cut up balls off and shit?
No.
I don't think so.
I think Caitlyn was adamant about keeping the dick.
I think she just wanted the upper-decker.
Caitlyn's a lesbian, so she needs a penis.
Yeah.
I mean, it makes sense to have a penis when you're a lesbian.
Yeah.
Yeah, why?
The built-in strap.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's pretty smart.
Built-in, functional strap.
The functional strap, yeah.
She was dating some black dude.
I think he was like an African prince when she first went over.
Because I remember all of the damn pictures and shit.
I was like, damn, why does it got to be a black dude, you know?
And that's what I was mad about, man.
Entertained.
Caitlyn Jones.
He was something.
He wasn't an entertainer, but he was somebody.
He was a Nigerian prince.
Yeah.
He might have been.
I could be lying about the prince part, but it was a-
He was a Nigerian guy.
He had an accent, so I thought he was a prince.
You know?
Yeah.
Coming to America.
I was like, damn.
I was just mad he was a black dude.
That was a set up, dude.
Yeah.
Caitlyn and Jenna, fuck you.
That was the goddamn man trying to stick it to us at the game.
Yeah, I don't know.
I never-
That looks like a whole lady.
Oh, also, she just wanted to dress up like a woman and still bang chicks.
Yeah.
That's pretty sweet.
I know, man.
That's Juwama.
That's right there, buddy right here.
Little little fella.
Look at the short kid.
Who is that guy?
I don't know who dude is.
The other dude-
The other dude, they had a buddy right there.
That's her first love.
Why you got a penis?
Why are you kidding?
Why you?
Damn.
That's crazy.
Taking down Caitlyn Jenner fresh off the press is like-
Caitlyn Jenner.
But do you think she took him down?
No, she's a lesbian.
She poking Buddy?
Yeah, I think she poked Buddy.
Oh, so she a lesbian?
She might have poked Buddy, too.
She don't poke the girls?
They just look around her balls and shit?
No.
You should only imagine.
Yeah, that's a wild ride, ain't it?
I think to go full circle and come back for-
Who's the-
What's the name?
Chris?
What was his ex-wife's name?
Oh, Chris.
Chris Jenner.
If he comes back and slams, takes down Chris Jenner as a woman, it's like-
Hell yeah.
I think at that point, he would just become a black dude.
Yeah, exactly.
He would be reincarnated into a black dude.
Yeah, yeah.
Fucking Mike B. Jordan and some shit just pop out of nowhere.
It finally happened.
Yeah, it'd be like an Armenian myth.
He gets to pick one of his three beautiful daughters.
Except one of them's dating fucking Travis Barker.
That was a wild-
Travis Scott?
Whatever.
Travis Scott.
No, one of them dating Travis Barker.
And one of them dude, right?
Yeah, yeah, Travis Scott.
One of them's dating Travis Scott, too.
The rapper guy.
Wait.
No, no.
Barker.
I'm thinking of the drummer dude.
Yeah.
Because they want-
That's like a-
182.
That was a weird mutation on the boyfriend pool.
Yeah.
He's having just the weirdest-
Do you know which one?
Like a 57-year-old drummer.
The one who was married to Scott.
Oh, nice.
The one that likes white guys.
Oh, yeah, too.
She has a history of whites.
Is that right, Courtney?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Courtney likes-
Yeah, Scott Disick.
Scott Disick was the man, dude.
Everyone-
Scott Disick-
I don't know.
He had a lot-
He had a good time on that show.
Yeah.
That's like the last time I really-
Era of me watching TV.
But that shit was amazing back then.
Yeah.
Disick ruled, dude.
I-
You ever watch John Cena on Total Divas?
No.
There was a lady show-
A lady wrestler show-
Oh, actually.
I have, actually.
And John Cena would just come out
and like lay down the law.
What?
Beat them bitches up?
He wasn't beating her up.
He would just lay down the law.
He'd have like a-
Just like a cast iron pan off the stove
on the counter.
He'd come in and he'd be like,
take that off the counter,
put it in the dishwasher,
clean it immediately.
And then he'd just walk away.
Let's go.
Damn.
He had an ironclad prenup, too.
Yeah.
He had like a contract.
If you were even his girlfriend,
you had a sign that was like,
if he said so,
you had to get out of his house
and you had to acknowledge the fact
that you had no right to his property.
Damn.
That's what's up.
It was on Divas.
He was like kicking a lady out on VH1.
VH1.
Damn, that's pretty sweet.
Dude, it was pretty wild.
Do he at least give them like $500
when they leave?
I think so.
He's just sending them bitches to the wild
or whatever.
Like, damn.
You're just going to put me out of your house, bitch?
Give me a night at the motel seat.
I ain't giving no Johnson gift bag.
For real, man.
Damn.
I ain't signing no contracts.
That's what he says when she leaves.
He's like,
I'm sorry you have to go.
You can't see me.
For real.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that sucks, man.
I mean, it's kind of,
I get it, I guess.
Because he could have like a girl squadron
in his house at any time.
Yeah.
It's like,
what are you going to do?
He could be fucking Hugh Hefner.
Yeah.
Hugh Hefner was the man.
Yeah, he had a bunch of,
he was like,
age-wise,
he was almost a pedophile.
Age-wise.
He was like 80.
He was pretty devious.
They were 20.
It's like,
if you like did the math.
Some of them he was catching at like 18.
He was basically a pimp.
Yeah.
If you think about it.
I got to stop calling people pedophiles.
I know how it feels
when I'm called a pedophile.
That's a mean age gap, though.
But when you're 80,
I mean,
you don't really got chicks your age.
Them hoes dead.
True.
Oh, Bill Belichick's dating a 24-year-old.
You got to let it go, dude.
Bill Belichick?
We got to let it go.
Old guys with money date young girls.
It's a part of the system.
Yeah, it is.
I think old girls are supposed to,
cougars are supposed to-
Train young men.
But that doesn't happen anymore
because the age of like women being hot
has gone up.
You know?
It used to be like a 35-year-old hot limit,
but now it's at like 45.
So like now there's a whole generation of men
being left behind.
That's because they're doing yoga nowadays.
Pilates and shit.
Wait, so what do you mean the men are left behind?
They're supposed to-
Older women, from what I could see,
their prescribed role
if they somehow become spinsters
is to take a younger man in
and become their sexual instructor.
I would say the younger men
who don't really get other ladies.
You know?
Like the men who like-
Who don't get chicks they age?
Yeah, who are just left behind
to get those ladies.
The Coney Bowls.
Yeah, but now those-
Since the age gap is going up,
those ladies are still with the guys
who get people.
You know?
Okay.
Well, that would be a nice little program
to be like if you don't get-
Like just having ladies in their like 40s
just starting to take dudes in.
Yeah, they'd be some real hornballs too.
Taking like a possible shooter-
Possible school shooters and just-
Yeah.
Saving America, you know what I mean?
For real.
That's a good idea.
That's a great idea.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
So David, dude, how you doing, man?
What's going on?
What's happening, man?
Man, just chilling about to go back on the road,
grinding, you know, everyday grind.
At a show or-
Nice.
Bombing somewhere.
I like the late night bombs.
I go find them now.
That's my new favorite hobby.
Late night bomb?
Like the late night mic somewhere
where there's nobody there
or just some angry comics.
Yeah.
That's where like most of my most beautiful jokes
come to life, you know?
Because they'd be so mad in there.
True.
Bunch of nasty comics in there like,
he's not even that funny.
Yeah, exactly.
Then if I get them to smile or something,
then I'm like, okay, I got something.
Yeah, true.
If you can break through,
they're just deep hatred of themselves.
They'll do themselves.
You know who fucking sucks?
Yeah, for real.
It's like 10 years.
It's 10 years of every comic's life like,
you know who fucking sucks?
This guy 