Name: Ep 501 - Daddy Tuah
Uploaded: 2024-07-03T20:18:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 501 - Daddy Tuah' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 501 - Daddy Tuah' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-03. Transcript available.

Ep 501 - Daddy Tuah

the wild wild west and we're live hey talking about the great xbox outage xbox
outage of
2020 start over yeah start it over right now uh jk hey hey we're live we can't
misspeak dude we'll
get denominated from here denominated yes if i my speech oh yeah i'm gonna get
them out of here
true get them the out yeah i guess let's just get into that that was that was
heartbreaking it was
sad i didn't i didn't enjoy it i didn't lie there was no part of me that reveled
in uh
joe biden's cognitive slippage yeah it was very sad it was it was i liked
watching trump's face
dude when he would get accused he was like you slept with a porn star when your
wife was pregnant
yeah right i noticed that a lot of his facial expressions are just gay guys
like what as if
yeah right yeah he he's like his default like countenance the whole time was
crazy just the
wise old al he had like the or biden biden was biden talked to him and he was
like scared yeah
biden looked like he was on ketamine the entire time trump looked like he had
someone carved his
face and wood the entire he was sitting there the whole time like a tree
like the tree from boca honest looks like yeah yeah dude he for real that's a
weird rainforest cafe
yeah and but he uh he was very measured the entire time he was very chill i
thought that could have
went way worse i thought i thought if if trump was an like if he went at him
hard he only let him have it
once he gave him one gave him a couple noogies but he didn't yes no he really
did it was actually kind
of i was watching i'm like damn he also seems like he's like low in b12 or
something trump seems like
yeah something like i feel like a little bit 78 i know isn't he 78 he's old
yeah he's up there
but he did trump dogs he's out on his feet too they're both stumble bums i mean
he did well he was able
to be like i just got your text you don't know what you're talking about i am a
little cute though
i am grumpy but i am cute grumpy but cute
i'm grumpy but i am cute you're right
uh i told man i was grumpy because i just got back from the dmv
in tejas that'll grump you up and i couldn't be more grumpy how how is like the
texas dmv
uh there's a secret one in the state capitol really yeah i said paparogi's
please i need
to get a license there's a secret one there's a secret one that i thought was a
secret it's not
it was just me and asians which was fun yeah it's a special type of hell true
sitting in one of those
chairs waiting how is he how are the employees are they same old it was one
employee there was no
bathroom on the floor i had to search the the compound to find a lavatory the
capital yeah
i stormed that's what to say you i did storm i stormed a dump sad one of the
deaths i exercised
my second amendment which is to shit in any state property building um you can
demand sanctuary in
any building if you're like dude i gotta take a dump a state building should
allow that they should
they should have gas station rules true there can be an indian guy being like
this is just for
your fucking employees only and you're like brother please and he's like i pay
for this bathroom
you can take a next to the mop sink in the dirty shitty gas station there's
been some rough dumps
in there yeah talking about a gas station or the state the gas state state
state employees have
vicious diarrhea also just being in there reminded me of working yeah a real
job that sucks dude yeah
they were like there was construction outside so there was just a constant
hammering and no rhythm at all just
it was it was uh it was yeah the worst of the um that sucks the hammer
attachment on excavators when
they're doing road work outside it just goes just for eight hours it was
something like that yeah it
was a negative experience i had negative time the guy working behind the desk mumbled
the entire
fucking time don't speak up speak up boy i kind of did he got a little nasty
towards me people have been
nasty as towards me like really you think it's the heat i don't know what it no
it's me when
they fight it i was he was like so what do you do you have a business and i was
like i'm a comedian
he was like how come i never heard of you i was like all right dude i don't
give a
fuck he hit you with the attitude i was like i was actually i hosted saturday
live and he was like what
and i was like never mind i'm not repeating that that was embarrassing i
shouldn't have said it the
first time there was he's surrounded by like stuffed minions he's like never
heard of you
he was an dude i took the i passed the eye test i had to do an eye thing and
then i was like nice we
did it and he was like what and i was like i said we did it he said why and i
go well i was pretending to
be excited to pass such a mundane thing and he was like okay it was intense
damn yeah i was there for
three and a half hours three hours jesus christ just to yeah get kind of sassed
by a man they are sassy
i've been sassed lately there's a thing people do with that they they shit on
me like as like a hey
we're boys yeah like it happened i was at a wedding this weekend this guy came
up was like what's up
dumb ass i was like all right he hit you with like what's up pretty much and
then kept hitting it
and i was just like all right what the then his wife or girlfriend came over
she was hitting me with
it all right i gotta tell you this it was crazy that's nuts and uh guy at the
airport did it to me
yesterday we're sitting there he's like oh man a lot of people recognize you
you think it's that shitty
mustache i was like yeah dude so i'm in this i'm at the wedding i went to a
wedding this weekend took a
mushroom chocolate for way stronger than i thought it was going to be the
square yeah and it was an
intense environment it was like a martini bar cocktail party it was very stuffy
yeah and i hardly knew
anyone and perfect this dude who ended up being the man came up it was the most
intense dude of all
like a ufc stare down is what he hit me with just eye contact like what's up
dude and i was like
i have to get the out of here so there was rocking chairs outside and i sat on
the porch just looking
at the stars i was like damn this is beautiful and then a guy came up was like
yo what's up man big fan
my brother we always make fun of my brother we say he looks like you he looks
retarded too i was just
like this is sweet i'm just getting wrecked this all the last three days i've
gotten destroyed what
the i don't know it keeps happening what's going on i don't know people walk up
to me like yeah my
cousin looks retarded dude he's the man cool yeah i don't know i don't know i
think it's a thing people
i don't know that the sup guys are really like an object of fascination i try
to adopt it for like
two days and people just got pissed off at me yeah it's oh i would call i would
call my brother or
like spun like sup yeah all right what the fuck are you doing he throws we're
too old now now it's like
saying your dad calling your dad gay it's the same thing where you're like yeah
all right well hold on
a second that's my holy grail to call my dad like yo what's up he would be
pissed and we met
out of you for a month for a long time you know what what do you what are you
on drugs like there's
a punk what do you do a big shot now mr podcast big shot you're dead with it yo
what's up
phil's weird ass is headed i just talked to him he's headed down to the park
right now by my
parents house to watch the uh 10 and under state semifinals in pennsylvania
really yeah he's going he's
no he doesn't know he doesn't know one kid basketball baseball baseball oh
baseball okay
okay i was gonna say there's no one child there i thought he's on some street i
thought he's on that
street ball he's wearing he's wearing a mega hat i'll show you my sisters say
he's literally wearing a
mega hat i thought he's on that street ball tip i thought he's gonna hold the
cone at the playground
and be like oh my god and run around on the court so he's just gonna go watch
some baseball yeah he
needs he needs to check it out i mean dude
did you did you see my father's day post on instagram no it's my dad is my dad
and maggie
yeah it's the dads are out dude it's maggie time after that debate they're in
full yeah they're fully
elated yeah they are absolutely fully i'm sorry you're getting crushed yeah it
was it's all right
i told you i got annihilated in vegas when these two people were like dude that
was great i saw you
it was great and there's this short maxim guy who kept going i don't really see
what was great about
it and he would just like i'll be like i take one of them and he'd be like i
don't know i just don't
really see it not for me stop doing that yeah that's i wasn't going to be like
what the fuck's
your problem i was like okay all right when people take pictures with me there's
always one person
saying that it's like what do you do who are you i don't even know who you are
um i did it this i had
to take i was taking pictures of the airport and this tsa guy was just standing
there he was like
i don't even know who you are what do you do i was like what do you do who are
you what the
what the dude i haven't even had my coffee yet i'm grumpy but i'm still cute i
made a tsa guy spaz
on monday i forgot all about this i went through tsa pre-check and uh i went
through that i was like
i should take my belt off like no your belt's fine and go through the metal
detector i'm like all right
i get the metal detector it beeps they you've been randomly selected i'm like
dude it's probably my belt
like nah man you're randomly selected i was like man this is some fucking
bullshit like he got pissed
to myself i was like man this is some fucking bullshit and he goes it's not
bullshit i'm like
dude will you stop it's like people are looking around there's a pilot going
through like turns
around i'm like yo bro you please chill out i was like bro i'm just talking to
myself i wasn't even
talking to you it's like oh it's not go over there and i was like all right i
had to go white dork
yeah it sounds like a white dork spaz it's actually not dude he screamed it and
people
everyone who i was like in line with turned around and saw me getting screamed
at i was like dude can
you please chill out what airport uh where was i leaving from pensacola florida
oh tiny airport damn
yeah he went nuts he went completely loco he might be a sky king dude it's not
he might be on his last leg
true he might be ready to hijack one of his planes he might see this guy yeah
you see yeah i i was
surprised different sky king i've never seen one of those dudes get so animated
he snapped
because i set off the clear guy the clear person came i've been beefing with
clear for the longest
so i'm in line and they're just they just come over and cut you off and it was
it was like very early
in the morning i think i hit him and say what the is this all about the guy and
i was i was kind of
just talking with the guy and he turns around he's looking at me i'm like dude
i'm with you he's like
i was gonna say man it's way too early for that oh i was like but for real like
you think you can
just cut in front is it clear yeah it's clear that's the whole point of clear
just come out of
nowhere but i'm like what authority are you just coming and cutting whatever
company clear is
bro next time i won't be so nice i was like i'm not going to start beef but i
was like what the
is this all about who told you you can do this do you have who gave you
authority to cut in front of
me like this i find to find the grounds i don't understand it he was right
though it's way too
early for that level of discourse to be like no no who what power grants you
the authority i pay the
taxes around here but yeah just like came out the dude looked at me and the
person with him was just
like they both kind of froze and i was like dude i'm just playing with you homie
didn't even realize
it came out of my mouth though did i gotta stop my internal monologues been so
sassy why are you 