Name: Ep 502 - Meeting the Wizard
Uploaded: 2024-07-09T20:41:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 502 - Meeting the Wizard' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 502 - Meeting the Wizard' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-09. Transcript available.

Ep 502 - Meeting the Wizard

the wild wild west hey what's happening oh oh crap yes what's up bro what's up
dog dude what's
happening what happened to your chin bro i met the wizard you guys wouldn't
know about it who's
the wizard there's a navy seal saying when you pass out underwater jocko talks
about it all not
jocko uh what's his name david goggins david goggles talks about it all the
time yeah he talks about
meeting the wizard i didn't know that's what it was called i was just talking
yesterday at a
kid's birthday party i saw my like falling out i was like yeah a lot of people
wouldn't understand
it's basically just me and navy seals the only people know about what happened
i try to do back
and forth in the pool like underwater yeah of course well i had goggles too so
i was like dude david
goggles obviously the goggles dude yeah i was just doing a little bit of buzz
training you burned the
boats yeah you had to go until you passed out dude and i'm like i'm going we
were like
i've been outside all day i'm sweating it's like you know i was no sleep for
days and days and days on
end and then i we played actually do to pull a fun pool basketball game instead
of full-on pool basketball
pool knockout two basketballs play knockout but you gotta like trudge through
the water yeah it's very
very fun so we played a couple rounds of that i was the only person out of four
people who didn't win
a game of pool knockout so i had something to prove when people started talking
going who was
it like your cousins me my cousin and like three of our friends so when they
started talking about
back and forth underwater i was like here's my time to get a little w so i went
i played goggles on
actually i had my daughter's goggles so i think they're a little tight on my
head too
so i go dude i get back i get down there so easy i'm like holy shit dude i
might go down and
back and then push off again just to flex and i get a bad push coming back and
i'm like i'm on like
one and a half basically coming back and i start getting you know like you're
vibrating when you're
out of breath yeah i'm vibrating and all i kept thinking was like be great you
have to do this be
great you have to do this and i keep going keep going and all of a sudden i'm
like the last thing
i remember is feeling like something's really wrong and i come up from out of
the water like like
choking on water i passed out underwater so i come up from underwater just like
i'm like fighting the pass out and then i'm trying to use my legs and they're
just like
jello then they dude everyone's just laughing at me and i'm like
i'm like screaming freaking out and then i go out again and i come to and i'm
like
you know i think i passed out and they're like yeah dude you smack your face on
the side of the
pool holy i was like i was like no i didn't they're like yeah i couldn't i was
so adrenalized i
couldn't feel anything that i touched my face it was just blood everywhere and
then
yeah so i smacked my chin on the board was your was your mom and dad there no
my mommy and daddy
were asleep this is late oh it's late night so everyone thought i was everyone
thought it was
like a severe aqua brewski tumble because we like i like last thing everyone
saw was like carrying
that's a slight brewski tumble dude wait hold on what is the last thing
everyone saw you carrying
a bottle of tequila yeah i was like no what happened was i sweat too much at
longwood gardens
now you took a brewski tumble dude welcome to the club bro i was explaining to
my friends the
worst because my my buddy had a my buddy had a delay at the airport and i was
like for real there's
nothing better than he was like my flight got delayed i was like i celebrated
delay it's like
dude if you have no like i have to drink there's nothing to do so getting
hammered in airports like
one of my favorite things it's fun then i explained to him the worst brewski
tumble i ever took was that
jet slipped in the bathroom with jfk and o'connor walked in while i was on my
side laying on the
bathroom floor and this was right after me and him had an argument so i had to
be like you dude i'm
still right from the ground of the but uh the democrats are yeah i was like can
you at least
admit he trump is more cognizant i was like anakin in the lava just i hate you
but uh no i hit it
down and back myself this week did you really big time pull took two tries to
get it did you really
yeah and then i got it and i thought i was going to impress some women that
were there and not one
person was looking that's a surface like dark red fully out of breath and i was
like you guys do
that and everyone's like ew why's that guy panting that's good you hit the down
and back though it was
a big down and back i almost died trying to get it dude i for real i was ready
i was ready to die yeah
i was i i entered that phase yeah it had to be done i i've dude i could i've
done down and back i was
like what the fuck's going on i'm telling you yeah your blood pressure it was
longwood gardens this is
the tequila dude my brother brought me to longwood gardens brought my whole
family and it they had
been bragging they're like dude in pennsylvania gardens fucking blows dude
laurel gardens when's
the last time you went there never it's tight long gardens i've seen pictures
it's tight dude i went
there they have like i'm trying to figure out my landscaping right now too
because i want to i want
to fix you want to see the highest level it was inspo yeah i wanted to see what
i was like
whatever the dupont's that's the dupont's property it's hundreds maybe it's a
hundred acres and they
had like i guess a house with a terranium where you just walk in so i was like
let's get out of the
heat i'm like oh here's a building it's just a greenhouse it's a swamp walk
into there dude they're
all like it's been like 60 degrees at night time i'm like oh finally get a
break from the weather i go
in there dude it was 93 degrees maybe 75 humidity it was brutal so i go into a
greenhouse and i'm like
i guess it's cooler in here then you hit a pocket you're just instantly just
covered in sweat
so then i up my swimming dude being falling through the whole room off through
the whole
fucking room the whole room off didn't get any sleep i got no i went to my
parents house my mom
won't turn on the air she turns on the air conditioning but barely it's a fight
it's crazy
you gotta you gotta you gotta control it okay i'm not gonna that's one thing i
don't do it i don't
touch people's thermostats i will touch my parents thermostat will you really
yeah just go
crank and then i'll hear phil walk over and change it immediately like who's
doing this it's literally
he'll change it one degree he'll put it back up one that's so funny he's an for
that although we
were staying in my sister's old room and that was like notoriously the one room
of the house that
like doesn't get heat in the winter doesn't get air dude so it was like me britney
and like we're in
like a full bed and then there's our one daughter's in a pack and play so every
time she was she had a
cough so we were in there it's like 80 something degrees i'm sweating my balls
off britney's next to me
any time we would like touch each other we'd just be like get the off me and
then our daughter would
just start coughing so you just both go stiff because when she coughs she'll
like slightly wake
up and if i like get up and look at her and she sees me that's two and a half
hours of her just being
like so i got like no sleep at all i was like the most unrelaxing i think i
might have had in my life
post brewski tumble this was leading up to the brewski tom oh it's the night
before this was like
there's a lot of factors i got no sleep dude no sleep zero all day can't get
any couple tequilas
pussy in that house either and no pussy can't get no motherfucking pussy i was
i was the it was
the cry of the predator last night dude yeah you let it out yeah you let it out
oh my god did i ever
did i ever i thought about running one back a historical shower beat in that
house that'd be
crazy oh i might have screamed if i if i if i came back to see my sexual
evolution in the shower
that would be nuts dude i always i might have met the wizard twice that week
but yeah i returned to the scene of the crime often really yeah every time at
my parents house
that's great it is a weird feeling jacking off in the same room you used to
yeah you go damn i'm
i've done nothing i'm still here this is my true purpose i'm still here jacking
off quietly
yeah it was uh it is disorienting when you know when i was like staying because
i haven't like lived
in there for a long time so when i stayed there for long stretches of time i
just i start feeling like
kind of weird not like a bad way but i kind of start feeling like oh yeah dude
i like to live my
whole life in this place yeah just sitting there like now i got my wife and my
cheering in here
i kept with britney i said britney that's what happens if it all falls down she
was like it's so
hot in this room i said hey man you need to be a team player if it all falls
down this is exactly
where we'll be you're an i was like get ready we're gonna be in the hot room we're
gonna sleep in
the hot room with four kids a bunch of immigrants three different families in
this bedroom spilled
macho on my wound yeah we'll be in the hot room dude just chilling we'll have a
multi-generational
household i do like it was fun to teaser with that so hey man don't know how
good you have all for it
don't know how good you have it man this is look yeah i'm not afraid to live
here i'd like having a box
fan it was kind of something nice box fans nice i just had a sheet around my
penis in case like my
parents came in and i just laid there naked on the bed with a box fan blowing
on me it was just like
this out this kind of rules yeah that does rule dude it was awesome i look like
an old carfaggio painting
i was open car is caravaggio caravaggio caravaggio carpaggia old master carpaggia
i'm sure there's a
carpaggio somewhere true that's who i was talking about carpaggia did some
painting did you ding your
chin up as well no this is it wow okay man and i nicked it did you pot you
popped it up yeah i
fucking yeah anxiously ripped at it last night what else are you gonna do a
dumb ass no what else you
gonna do that's all you can do my stomach pimples are coming back i think it's
chocolate it's definitely
chocolate it's chocolate i eat chocolate my stomach breaks out that's crazy it's
insane dude could have
been long one good longwood garden sweating could be i would imagine it's
sweating could be but i'm
telling no i'll sweat i'll you know that's all i do is sweat yeah but then you
usually shower after
you work out right actually i know you're dirty ass well if i'm gonna go back
out in the heat i might
as well just be dirty all day i'm with you i understand i used to work outside
all day that's
how i rationalized i was like dude i used to work outside all day for like
eight hours yeah what the
is the difference if i just wait till 4 30 shower off anyway i'm actually i've
absconded for my ma'am
the lady my like virtual lady personal trainer yeah tell her to stay the out of
it i'm on the run right
now dude she's an email i ghosted her she's been emailing me like matt what's
going on i'm like
nothing i'm really busy right now i can't do this anymore and chocolate all
week i know
i went the logs went dark and i have i was like i'll email her today and i'm
like just one more
day of glory dude one more day you've earned it bro i did i almost killed
myself in the pool exercising
dude pull knockout is for real so fun one of the balls like you know when you
peel all like the skin
off of a basketball into the fuzzy stuff in the water it gets slimy for some
reason so every now
and again you'd catch the slime ball dude it was like 50 pounds it was so fun
did you get to fight
during knockout are you allowed to be physical there's a little there's a
little pushing you 