Name: Ep 503 - The Male Member (feat. Janus Bifrons)
Uploaded: 2024-07-20T10:30:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 503 - The Male Member (feat. Janus Bifrons)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 503 - The Male Member (feat. Janus Bifrons)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-20. Transcript available.

Ep 503 - The Male Member (feat. Janus Bifrons)

Wow, wow, Wes.
Guys, this is a tough time for this country.
And honestly, I'm sorry I'm so late to releasing an episode this week.
But this week was tough for me, man.
I had to ask myself some hard questions.
I said, you know, there's a lot of bad stuff going on.
That assassination attempt, just the country fighting even more reality,
just kind of becoming more and more untethered
and people just kind of selecting this and that to be real over other things.
And I really, I didn't want to talk politics.
It's like almost, I guess it's expected to like weigh in on this whole
situation.
And I honestly tried.
I talked for 45 minutes about the whole thing.
And it just sucked because my heart wasn't in it.
Between us, what I really wanted to talk about this week is dicks.
I wanted to talk dicks and I was like, is this really the right time?
Like, I don't want to be irreverent towards the American political system,
but I'm like, who am I to just talk dicks for two hours straight?
Like for real, I'm talking for real, just dick talking.
You'll see what I'm talking about.
But I decided to go with my gut.
And I said, America needs to know, you know,
how to increase flaccid length, flaccid girth,
obviously erect length and girth,
and just kind of getting as hard as you possibly can.
What are some of the things we can do for that?
And so I brought on an expert.
So what's going on with, like,
we're going to jump in to a sliver of the thing that I was doing
after I got done talking about all of the assassination business,
which really, it was just boring.
I bored myself while talking about it.
I did.
I just, it's not my lane.
It's not my thing.
Maybe one day, if you guys are like,
oh, I want to see it, maybe I'll put it on Patreon.
Maybe I'll just fucking release it.
It sucks.
It for real sucks.
Like, I'm not trying to entice anybody.
It blows.
It is not good.
But I did finally get to talking dicks
and then brought on an expert to kind of like,
you know, ask him some questions, learn.
The guy's name is Janice Bifrin.
And he created what's known as Fallogenesis.
And, dude, this for real might be the most important interview I'll ever do.
It's obviously a topic that strikes at the real heart.
You think your political party's a big deal?
Dude, what if I told you you could get fatter?
Like, and you'll see as he explains,
like, a lot of us could be girth monsters
if we just maybe just kept an open mind and heart
to a pretty holistic approach
for making your bird the best it could be.
That's all I'm saying.
This is the stuff we need to be talking about as a country.
I know we're divided, but let's come together on this issue.
Let's get harder, bigger birds, dude.
All of us, for every man.
That's what I'm talking about.
Let's jump right in to the thing and then you'll see.
All right.
Thank you, guys.
That all brings me to the real thing I wanted to talk about
and that is, man, if you're still listening,
God bless your little fucking heart.
I recently came, look, you know, this, now I've, you know,
obviously we broke down the political situation.
I gave you some bad news.
Hopefully you can feel better at, you know,
poor the poor lady's expense.
She also, she eventually escapes from the brothel,
so don't feel too bad.
But I figured out how to, and I think,
how to increase flaccid size.
I really have.
Like, dude, I'm not, I'm not bragging.
You know, I'm not wanting to be like,
yeah, dude, my fucking dick's so fucking big.
I'm teenest up most of the time.
But, and the weather in Texas here is hot.
I think it's absolutely a factor.
My flaccid state has been, bro,
it's been like for real taking me aback.
Even when I'm in the AC in my house.
I know obviously everyone gets like,
during the dog days of summer,
you do get kind of like, you know,
a bit of heat dick,
which, you know, everyone's always welcoming.
But dude, I've been like, for real,
like going to take a piss and being like,
yo, bro, like my flaccid state.
And here, this is my theory.
And this is the only thing that's changed
is I'm crushing water, dude.
I'm hitting like a gallon a day.
I'm not bragging.
I have the Mountain Valley five gallon glass container
of water coolers.
So stoked.
But I've been crushing a gallon of water a day.
And I think my theory for flaccid gains,
I swear to God,
flaccid gains is a dragon I've been chasing.
I don't even care about my boner, dude.
It is what it is.
My boner is but a tool for the creation of life.
My flaccid state is when I'm more kind of,
you know,
that's my thing.
That's the dragon I'm really chasing.
And I've learned,
if you want to increase your flaccid state,
hydration and mindset.
It's those two things.
If you're kind of nervous or squirrely,
your dong will shrink up.
You will fucking,
if you're like,
if you can take a deep breath,
confidence mode,
and you're well hydrated,
dude,
I swear by this.
My flaccid state has been like,
like put it this way.
If someone snapped a photo of it,
I'd be like,
yes,
I don't know.
That's all I'm saying.
It's nothing impressive or anything.
People are like,
holy fuck.
But it's absolutely serviceable.
And honestly,
I feel like if like the last couple
bathroom breaks I've taken,
if I had to take that,
my lifetime acting goal
is to be an extra on HBO
and show my penis.
So,
if I ever get to do that,
I have the exact recipe.
Obviously,
I'm not going to be biggest on the block,
but it would be like
if I was on Westworld,
like standing around a bunch of robots
and I would be proud of it.
Yeah,
that's my dick.
I'd be proud of it.
You know,
it is what it is.
It would be like,
yeah,
that's me.
So,
and into kind of,
I do want to delve into this matter
a little further.
So,
I have an expert
I'm going to talk to
hopefully tonight
and I can kind of just splice this
right in here
about how to get your dick bigger
because,
you know,
if the political world is falling apart
and we're all addicted to our phones,
we might as well have big ass dicks.
So,
I think that's very important.
So,
hopefully,
let's see.
Hopefully,
we're pinging him in right now.
Come on.
Come on,
brother.
Come on.
It took a lot
to fucking convince this guy
because he was,
he was weary,
but I said,
brother,
the dudes need to know
how to get bigger hogs.
He also,
he claims that fapping
shrinks your dick.
What do you think about that?
It's unwelcome news.
Let's hear him out.
All right.
All right.
All right.
There you go.
Dude.
All right.
Thank you so much for joining.
I mean,
totally saving the day.
I didn't know what I was going to do this week.
See,
and I'll tell you,
I'll start off before I introduce you.
I'm going to tell you how our,
we kind of crossed paths.
It was really weird.
So it weirdly enough had to do
with that whole mess this week
with former president Donald Trump.
So he got,
that whole thing happened to him,
whatever,
terrible thing,
but it kind of,
this spilled off of it
because I'm sitting there,
everyone's just flooding the internet
with,
you know,
hot takes about politics,
blah,
blah,
blah.
And I said,
what's nobody talking about right now?
I said,
you know,
I'm going to talk about the fact
that every time I drink a gallon
of water every day,
my flaccid,
my flaccid state is just
the most remarkable.
And I was like,
nobody's talking dicks right now.
So I'm going to talk,
I'm going to talk,
I'm going to fill the void.
I'm going to corner the market.
I'm going to talk dicks
when nobody's everyone's,
no one's paying attention.
People are doing other stuff.
So I jump in,
I start talking dicks online.
I'm talking about,
you know,
flaccid state for me
and you can correct me
if I'm wrong.
I think it's all hydration
and mindset.
What would you say about that?
Hydration mindset for sure.
But the other thing is,
which is where my work
comes into play.
Blood vessels,
blood vessel growth specifically.
Whoa.
And that's for,
okay,
so good.
So we'll get into all that stuff.
But yeah,
it was weird enough.
So I put this tweet out
about that specifically
and it like hit,
I think the subreddit,
my brother saw it
and he was like,
yo,
check this out.
And he was like,
check out.
And I think you came up
somehow through that tweet.
You came up in the subreddit
as well,
what you were doing.
He was like,
dude,
check this out.
And I was like,
damn,
that's crazy.
So that's how
I came to discover you.
And it's Janice,
Janice Bifrins,
correct?
Janice Bifrins.
I was going to ask you
about your last name too.
Like what's,
how do I say that last name?
Mick Cusker.
Mick Cusker.
Got it.
You nailed it.
Okay.
So Janice,
introduce yourself.
What do you,
exactly what do you do?
It's,
you were just starting
to explain it to me.
It sounds fascinating.
So what do you do?
And I'm glad you agree
about my fast,
my flaccid size theory
because it is,
I swear to God,
it's hydration.
It is mindset.
If you're walking around
here nervous,
dude,
you're going to shrimp up.
Yeah,
you're going to shrimp up
pretty fast.
So,
I got my start
and,
gee,
I guess I'll wind it
way the fuck back.
I got fascinated
with like blood vessels
after I got out
of bodybuilding
when I was in my
very,
very like early childhood,
you know,
like teens
and stuff like that.
I had gotten really heavy
into the bodybuilding scene
and blew up on steroids,
you know,
like got just huge
and ended up having
a pretty bad episode
where I'd grown too fast
and my skin came apart
and I didn't notice
until I got in the shower
and I like bled out
and smacked my head
in like a shower alcove
and shit like that.
Whoa,
can I stop you there?
How do you do that?
Is that,
that can happen?
Yeah,
yeah,
if you,
if,
if you,
if you grow too fast
from taking steroids,
your skin will come apart.
you're growing at a,
you know,
a super physiological rate,
your skin can't keep up
depending on your cycle,
like bad shit can happen.
Yeah,
you were fucking jacked.
Yeah,
yeah,
I was 276 pounds,
single digit body fat.
I'm five nine.
So I mean,
damn dude.
Yeah,
it was,
it was up there.
And that started the blood vessel,
that started your fascination
with blood vessels.
Well,
yeah,
because what basically happened
after that is,
I had to go to the doctors
because I ended up getting
an infection
in that particular skin tear
that was in my groin.
And my doctor just looked at me
and was like,
you,
you can't keep doing bodybuilding.
Your skin tears
are getting too out of control.
You keep this up,
you're going to end up
with like a deep muscle infection.
You could be,
you know,
it could kill you.
And tried and tried
and tried to stay in it.
And it was just,
you know,
it was kind of like,
kind of like
for whom the bell tolls
kind of thing.
I knew it was done.
But I love the body.
I love the human body.
I loved,
I loved everything about it.
And I was like,
you know,
I don't want this passion
for bodybuilding to die
just because I can't
pursue it the way I want,
you know,
like what's a way
I can pursue the same thing
with bodybuilding,
but,
you know,
in a direction
that nobody else
is thinking about.
And,
also I heard about
smooth muscles
and blood vessels
and shit like that.
I was like,
you know,
how the fuck do I grow those?
How do I grow that?
Because,
you know,
everyone else knows
how to grow,
you know,
skeletal muscle.
How do I grow
my vascular system?
And,
you know,
that was
tail end of my teens.
by the time bodybuilding
was done
and over for me,
I was about 18,
19 years old.
And if you're wondering,
yes,
I was like taking steroids
by the time I was like 14 years old.
Got it for my mentor and shit.
Whoa,
damn,
that's pretty young, dude.
So you were like
going through puberty
on steroids?
Well,
I hit puberty
super young.
So puberty for me
was like 11.
I was like the only
like 12 year old
with like four o'clock
shadow kind of shit,
you know?
Damn.
Oh,
yeah,
you're,
no,
you're right.
14,
I guess it would be,
yeah,
yeah,
it's like that whole area,
like 11 through 15,
14.
So you hit it
and then you just kind of
right afterwards
smack with some roids.
Yeah,
pretty much like
my mentor aid started me
on anti-estrogens f