Name: Ep 508 - N.A. Beerz (feat. Chris O'Connor)
Uploaded: 2024-08-12T17:37:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 508 - N.A. Beerz (feat. Chris O'Connor)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 508 - N.A. Beerz (feat. Chris O'Connor)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-12. Transcript available.

Ep 508 - N.A. Beerz (feat. Chris O'Connor)

Wow, wow, Wes.
We're fired up.
We're here.
What's going on?
Just caught a damning report.
Sorry the dog peed in your bed, bro.
It's all good.
It sucks.
Your roommate, so have you leveraged that against your roommate?
He hasn't woken up yet.
I texted him.
You sent him an icy text?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your dog.
Dot, dot, dot.
That is the kind of thing that would fucking rattle me, man.
I like, I don't know.
When an animal doesn't respect you, it's like, how do they know?
Yeah, I've dropped beneath the human kingdom.
I get no respect here.
And now the animal kingdom is now also aggressively knocking me down a peg.
That does hurt.
Yeah, and when there's something primal about your weakness.
Yeah.
Maslow's pyramid, you're down below, you're subbed the pyramid.
You're like, dude, I haven't escaped from the animal kingdom yet.
Yeah, this is crazy.
I'll never get human respect.
Yeah, you're going to have to aggress on your roommate.
You know what you have to do.
I'm not going to say it out loud, but your roommate's bed's game.
You're going to get wet, dude.
You've got to fucking take it back.
Yeah, yeah.
Does the dog have a bed in the house?
Yeah.
Oh, you've got to piss on it.
No, you've got to piss on your roommate's bed and your dog's bed.
Yeah.
You've got to shit in the dog's bed.
Piss in your roommate's bed.
Oh, I'm pissing shit.
You've got to burn the house down and all die.
It ends toward the Capitol.
People think the shit's sweet of the Capitol.
People are going to run up in that motherfucker again, dude.
Just four years of resting on their laurels.
Yeah.
Dude.
Yeah, whatever.
That's a touchy subject right now.
Fucking Capitol.
I didn't give a fuck.
What happened?
People were like, that was one of the darkest days.
It's like, dude, I did not give a fuck.
They're acting like it was the ID for aliens over the White House.
It's like, bro.
Yeah.
I might, you know, that'll get me sweating.
It was the last day of Woodstock 99.
It was.
It was.
It was like fucking Trump gave his, like, Limp Bizkit performance.
And fucking people went nuts, dude.
Yeah.
That's exactly what happened.
He gave me something to break.
Everyone had, like, they'd ran out of water.
There was piss everywhere.
It was the last day of the festival.
There were 75 FBI agents being like, come on, man.
Let's fucking do it, bro.
Yeah.
Start raiding the ATM machines.
Do you know, there was a governor from Michigan, I think, who also was, like,
planning to get
abducted, and they looked into it.
It was, like, 19 FBI agents.
It was, like, two dudes.
And 19 FBI agents being like, yo, you should totally abduct me, bitch.
Goddamn.
Just, like, it was, like, the height of COVID.
So, if I'm sitting at a barbecue and, like, an FBI agent, I didn't know, it's,
like, in
my ear, in the middle of COVID, being like, yo, these masks are so fucking
annoying,
and I'd be like, yeah, this is bullshit.
It's like, yeah, we should fuck the governor up.
I'd be like, shit, bro.
Yeah.
Well, you got to figure, in COVID, things are probably slow for the FBI, too.
You know what I mean?
True.
You're trying to figure out a way to, like, hold on to your job.
Yeah.
You got to come up with a scheme.
True.
You know, let's trick a guy to abduct a governor.
Although, crime was rampant during COVID.
Let's put 19 of us on that project.
Let's trick four whorey husbands.
Yeah.
And be like, yeah, fuck that lady.
And it's like, bingo, we got him.
Yeah.
This guy wants to kill the fucking governor.
This guy wants to shoot the governor and abduct her.
Yeah, I was all like, holy shit.
Because when Trump got nearly assassinated, they were like, we have members
that suffered
political violence.
And I was like, all right, let's see him.
Yeah.
And it was like, the governor almost got abducted.
But the FBI stopped it because they were talking to these guys.
Planning it, too.
They were planning it.
It was just so flippant.
And there was a journalist, a left-leaning journalist who was like, it's going
to be the
coolest story ever.
And then uncovered all the FBI people.
And she's like, what's up with this?
And everyone was like, no comment.
Yeah, yeah.
And they were just like, well, this sucks.
We thought we were going to break this, like, huge story.
And this was like, I think this was in, like, literally during COVID.
But anyway, what's up, bro?
You got to make your own luck, you know, in the FBI.
True.
It's true.
Yeah, I mean, they are super cops, man.
I can stop a ton of terrorist attacks if I plan them.
That's true.
I can stop every single one.
Yeah.
And as soon as somebody's like, fucking fine, I'll bomb it.
You know, ooh.
Turns out I'm in the FBI.
Freeze, scumbag.
You've beheaded, like, six kids.
You're like, freeze, scumbag.
I'm deep undercover.
Another collar for Agent O'Connor.
The guy's unstoppable.
You've been committing mail fraud.
Be like, never mind that, dude.
Don't worry about that.
Yeah, I always hear about that.
Like, the CIA was selling drugs.
It's like, I hope they were.
Yeah.
I'd be bullshit if they weren't.
Yeah.
What the fuck's the point of them?
Yeah.
I hope they're doing terror.
Did you ever get into their role in Watergate?
No.
Apparently, they had, like, a heavy hand in, like, blaming people and, like,
just turning
that and just using that to just completely take Nixon down.
Although he was recording people.
But I'm reading a book right now from his top political aide, Charles Coulson.
Yeah.
He took a lot of it.
Him and, like, three other people had to go to jail.
Yeah.
And he swears in his autobiography.
He's like, dude, I swear to God, I didn't know about the break-ins.
I didn't know.
And there's apparently record of the CIA being, like, put it on Coulson.
Because people hated him anyway.
Because he was on tape being, like, I would run over my grandmom if it meant
getting Nixon
reelected.
Yeah.
And then they kind of, like, ran.
He was like, I would say shit to my staff, like, kidding.
So he would, like, he would, like, say stuff fucking with them.
And they would.
You should break into Watergate.
All of a sudden there's a team on it.
That's got to happen all the time.
Yeah.
You should break into Ellsberg's therapist.
There was this guy, Ellsberg, who was, like, a pain in the ass journalist.
And, like, if anyone stood against Nixon, they would honestly do anything.
Like, he would leak false stories to the press.
Yeah.
And this was, like, in the 60s.
It must be so much more sophisticated now.
He's out being, like, dude, we did it all.
Like, we would come up with shit, make up stories about, like, people's wives.
And just put it in, like, you would leak it to your press guy.
And, dude, they would blow it up.
And he's, like, dude, by the time it circulates, it can be total bullshit.
But it's, like, the damage is already done.
Yeah.
You got to think, like, unlimited budget, no oversight.
Yeah.
People are hatching plans all over the place.
That was, like, kind of the Watergate story where they just kind of, uh, it got
to the
point where, I think it's still, we're still in, like, Watergate enmity between,
like,
the two parties.
Like, there's probably 90 Watergates going on right now.
Watergate was one thing.
They broke in.
Everything's gate.
Yeah.
Everything's gated up.
Yeah, PC gate, Watergate.
Yeah, you got to gate it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
I, uh, that shit was wild because he, in the book, he's, you know, he's, like,
who,
he's an ex-marine.
He's all hoorah for the, he loves Nixon, dude.
Yeah.
Loves Nixon to death.
Turns out Nixon was, like, secretly recording him the whole time.
He's still, like, I still love that man.
And, uh, he becomes, like, a born-again Christian.
I wish, I always wanted to be in the CIA.
Yeah.
When I was a kid, when I was a little kid, I was, like, I wanted them to turn
me into,
like, an emotionless, deadly assassin.
There's still time.
You can turn yourself into one.
It's too late.
A lot of people do the, do the self-starter on that.
They're, like, if the CIA's not going to pick me up, I will just become a cold,
emotionless
assassin.
I know, but it's, like, I've already.
Take it to the streets.
I've already had to suffer through the living.
You know what I mean?
The thing with being a kid was, it was, like, there's too, it's too emotional.
Yeah.
And you're, like, dude, I want someone to come in and make me a Terminator.
I hear what you're saying.
You know what I just want them to show up.
You don't wake up every day and be, like, wait, what?
Yeah.
Oh, shit, I got to attack China, secretly?
Exactly.
You know what I mean?
I, I hungered.
No family, no one to be disappointed.
Just, yeah.
Yeah.
I hungered deeply for the Will Smith MIB scene where they're, like, we've been
watching you
for a long time.
Dude.
We've watched you jump over a brick wall.
We need you.
Dude, 100%.
You saw me do that?
Yeah.
Just, I wanted the government to show up at my door so bad and be, like, I know
your test
scores are shitty, but that's because school's bullshit.
And you're a great athlete, and you're a genius, and your nation needs you.
Your parents are wrong about you.
You're actually a really good boy.
You're actually a very good boy.
The girls love you, too.
We've been studying the girls, and they love you.
You're going to get so many chicks.
Yeah, yeah.
You're going to get so much pussy, dude.
Dude, just wait till high school.
You'll frill.
Like, junior year, you're going to get a ton of pussy, dude.
Eighth grade's bullshit.
Dude, that was, that was the sickest thing ever, that one guy.
Remember that, there was that documentary about the lady who owned, like, the
vegan restaurant
in New York City?
Mm-mm.
Oh, I do vaguely remember that.
She met this guy.
Yes.
Who just kept pretending he was in the CIA.
Yeah.
And would be like, I'm stranded in Turkey or something.
You just sent me $50,000 right now.
Don't tell anyone.
No, ask no questions.
And she would do it.
The guy made a fortune.
Yeah, I mean, that does seem like something that would particularly affect vegans.
I don't know why, for some reason.
My boyfriend's in the CIA.
It's like, dude.
Yeah, every vegan secretly wants a military.
Yeah.
A lot of lib babes secretly want a conservative beast of a husband.
Of course.
It's really weird.
I've seen it before.
Of course.
Yeah.
They secretly, they secretly, like, my boyfriend hates this stuff.
It's like, dude, you fucking love it, dude.
I know.
They all secretly want to be just dumb.
True.
They want to be conservative.
Which is, yeah.
Terrible.
Yeah.
That's true.
I don't know.
I can't get into that zone.
I don't have the, I feel like it's like a bad thing.
I always start relationships off in like a bad bargaining position.
You know what I mean?
Right off the jump, I'm like, I want you to achieve your dreams and goals, you
know, which
is like, I do want that, but you can't start there.
You have to start like, your life doesn't matter.
True.
Just so they like, they like, so then you winding up where you really are, it
looks like growth.
True.
Otherwise you just set the bar high and slowly disappointed.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You set the bar low and you slowly be like, you know, you know what, actually I've
had
a, yeah, I think there's like, that's like the beauty and the beast thing where
it's
like, they want you to be like, that's what I've heard.
Yeah.
Animal.
I feel like, yeah, fuck that.
I might fucking kick your ass.
And then be like, you know what?
I wish you'd follow your dreams.
Oh dude.
Yeah.
A hundred percent.
I've been reading a lot of like, I've, yeah.
Like Carl Jung stuff.
Yeah.
Beauty and the beast is heavy in there.
Those dudes.
Battling your animus.
Yeah, dude.
Oh yeah.
Those dudes used to go like scorched earth on the babes.
Those guys are like the 1920s would go like nuts on the babes.
Yeah.
Dude, Schopenhauer.
Yeah.
That guy went wild on the babes.
Is he a pianist?
No, Schopenhauer.
He was like the ultimate nihilist philosopher, but he has a chapter.
He's trapped around babes and it's pretty brutal.
Yeah.
What is he saying?
He was sa