Name: Ep 511 - FitzDAWG (feat. Greg Fitzsimmons)
Uploaded: 2024-08-29T17:51:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 511 - FitzDAWG (feat. Greg Fitzsimmons)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 511 - FitzDAWG (feat. Greg Fitzsimmons)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-29. Transcript available.

Ep 511 - FitzDAWG (feat. Greg Fitzsimmons)

wild wild west we'll start now greg fitzsimmons welcome to the podcast thank
you so much for
coming dude what an honor it's great to um you know be in austin and just like
realize that you
know literally you know the three or four biggest podcasts in the world are all
in this town like
it used to be if you want to do press you go to la new york try to get on late
night talk shows
nobody gives a shit about going on a late night talk show cares man you think
seth myers is going
to sell tickets to anything no offense to him i'm just saying like nobody it's
true and i thought
it was such a big deal and i would like see people go on them like years ago
even and be like oh it's
about to be the game's about to change yeah nothing would happen i'm like oh
what the hell nothing
happens yeah nobody does anybody watch they still run those circuits so if you
have a movie i've
noticed they still send people to like the late night talk shows but i don't
know honestly i think
they do it to get the clip the one clip they can put on the internet yeah true
yeah that sucks yeah
oh no everything's becoming a podcast dude it's just ruined everything yeah
yeah that sucks they used
to make such a nice like production they have like a band everyone was wearing
suits and now it's just
sitting in your sweatpants like hey you can find me in tacoma i know and it and
it's just like uh
there's no audience so sometimes people can just trail off into mundane small
talk true and instead
of getting to the real shit let's let's talk about jesus christ the lord is he
in your heart yeah big
time i grew up fucking catholic man no kidding i grew up catholic too of course
where'd you grow up
new york okay yeah damn you grew up in new york city or new york town just
outside the city gotcha
yeah i'm irish catholic dude my whole family we go to catholic mass every every
sunday wow yeah you
can't really even like when i'd be like when i'm at the college i'd be like i
don't care about that
stuff i would eat like a quarter ounce of mushrooms always about jesus every
time it's jesus every single
time yeah i would bug out and he'd be like i got you i'm like thank you jesus
sorry for all that
shit i said dude i don't know anything sorry would you like talk to him i would
so there's been two
times i've eaten like a large amount of mushrooms the first time i was 19 i
didn't know what i was
doing i was just like i'll eat i had one handful once i was like i'm gonna eat
two handfuls this
time freaked out there was no communication i was just bugging out to the point
where i tried to
listen to music and it felt like someone was hitting my brain with a hammer
yeah i was like this isn't
working i got under my blankets and i it was like you know when you close your
eyes and all this crazy
shit it was just like a stark image of jesus and i was like oh and i just
relaxed pretty cool kidding
yeah man against my will i was being cool when i was in college i was like i
don't even believe that
shit it helped me dude who's cooler than jesus christ i mean i don't know i'm
saying i mean
i'm not into have heaven and hell and rules and all that stuff but i mean you
take you take the
teachings of jesus and what he did in his life whether it happened or not it's
an archetypal
power that if you get it introduced to you as a kid it's just always there like
i still talk to god i don't
go to church but i still talk to god yeah it's important but people get hung up
on the
bullshit of like you actually think it's like bro i don't even care about that
man yeah but it
is true if you can like put that you genuinely because i'm glad we got into
this right away because
like christians and catholics don't have that process that buddhists have like
if you're a buddhist
you have like you're going towards enlightenment if you're like a catholic you're
just like
yeah just try not to hit my wife and pray i can just ascend just gloriously
ascend just be a piece of
shit my whole life the ascension man rise to heaven but if you really practice
trying to be like jesus
it has crazy effects on your life yeah i mean look it's basically it's distilling
a lot of other
you know like all this holistic kind of feel good stuff that you you know
whether whether it's like
uh deepak shop or whatever it's all about shrinking the ego and realizing you're
not the center of the
universe that there's a power whether you want to call it nature or god or
whatever and you know
i'm a guy who i'm sober so i've always dealt with the higher power thing as
well and it's just like
you know when you can get out of your own way and realize that your choices are
not affecting the world
in any way then you can you can somehow like be a friend and a husband and a
father and all that stuff
yeah dude it's crazy you're saying that this this like line of thinking has
been coming up more and
more like i'll talk to people more and more people seem to be like all right i
kind of understand this
whole thing yeah so like i don't have to like burn prostitutes or like attack
you know used to burn
the prostitutes no no but i'm saying you mean like not pay them or like light
them on no light them on
fire before it was like we should like throw stones at women like we don't have
to do that we just all
be nice right it's starting i think to settle in on humanity i feel like like
now starting like today
yeah it does feel weird that they throw stones at women at women you know like
that's just a
tradition it's a tradition it's just an ancient tradition yeah and i wonder if
women just because
it's gone on for so long like if sometimes i'll go on a hike with my wife and i'll
pick up a rock just
throw it in the woods and she ducks oh she really has she's from her dna yeah
and she thinks like eight
other guys are going to come out of the woods and just start stumbling her yeah
yeah man that's one
of those things where it is unfortunate to throw stones at women but like
before anyone was being
like this isn't right it must have been kind of satisfying well i think that's
why they invented
baseball to channel the energy in a different direction true yeah first baseman
instead of your
wife bats and balls bats and balls right that makes sense because yeah it was
that's a pretty
that was a bad thing when we were like beating women yeah it didn't it stopped
like i mean it's still
going on 50 years ago well it's still going on but it's not it's not acceptable
no it used to be you
watch movies from the 50s and carrie grant just like slaps a woman across the
face and then she
kisses him what about the quiet man you ever see john wayne in the quiet man
with catherine
he slaps a woman too how can you be irish and not have seen that i haven't seen
it dude and it's kind
of the old irish uh tradition of like yeah the i mean the thing about the irish
is it is actually
matriarchal the the the the mother is the power one because there's so much
alcoholism with the men
that the women would have to step up yeah and and sort of like take charge of
the family yeah that
kind of tracks and also like you know catholicism it's the virgin mary you know
she's this uh
i was thinking about the virgin mary the other day like a lot of press about
the virgin mary before
she had jesus like she had a hook she had an angle she was the virgin yeah true
i'm the guy with the
hat you know you're the guy with the the kind of dumb philly accent and she was
the virgin i knew you
attack me at some point well you know it's just it doesn't it it makes you seem
less intelligent and
i think you're a smart guy but you're only going to go so far in anybody's mind
i know until you take
an elocution class that's where you want to be though yeah i told my wife i'm
gonna get her etiquette
classes to what i want to hire like etiquette classes i'm gonna hire like a
head maiden or
whatever and try to just like teach my wife man what are they called that
sounds like something you
found in a whorehouse the headmaiden aren't they called like a headmistress or
something yeah i don't
know i want to teach my wife man i want to get someone to teach her like
manners yeah decorum is
she uh catholic uh no she grew up a baptist oh she's black so okay yeah she
does like one of those
churches yeah well that's exciting funny ones yeah yeah i mean the baptists are
very exciting they they
they have the masses that you want to actually go to do you ever go once it's
pretty yeah i always
feel like i'm intruding if i ever the few times i've been i'm kind of like
sorry guys yeah you know
you guys are doing something cool here and you have just like a white onlooker
just being like
oh because white catholic ceremonies are morose yeah that deep organ and the
incense burning and you
got you know the thing about that a lot of you know different protestant face
that the jesus on the cross
is it's it's it's an icon but it's not uh it's not as detailed like we got yeah
nails and blood and
thorns you know you know you go to you go to like a lutheran it's just a cross
there's nobody on it we
get it we know what happened yeah no you got to see the gore honestly yeah but
yeah they don't really
it was it was just like i've i've been to a that and i've been to one of like
the white
i don't know if it's like a mega churchy kind of thing where everyone goes like
this the whole time
uh-huh and i could feel like my catholic training you said you just stand there
like a roman soldier
the whole time you're like i'm not fucking doing this and you go to like your
catholic school dance
and leave some room for the holy spirit yeah ours got pretty wild though really
well not the great
the grade school all the the people we had we had literally two pedophiles chaperoning
our
grade school dances did you know at the time no did you have a hint did you
have like a feeling
uh i was you when you're young you don't really know that it was never any like
kind of advances
or anything but like when i got older i started being like what this dude's
doing exchange programs
for teenagers from europe being like what the fuck exchanging fluids yeah dude
well yeah allegedly
so are they both in jail now uh the one got off so but the other one just got
caught with like
the fucking i think the cp and it was just cp child porn yeah he got caught
with the good stuff and
then uh you know i think he went to jail did i just break your algorithm by
saying it out loud
i don't think so porn child porn i think you say you're allowed to say it you're
not allowed to look
at it yeah no but i mean as far as like your podcast getting the algorithm no
it's always like
those keywords where you get demonetized yeah child porn might be one yeah yeah
yeah wait so i mean
here's the thing about child porn is if i know um i'm capable of murder and i'd
like to exercise that
opportunity at some point like if if i knew a guy was a pedophile and he got
away with it
i don't know man i don't know i don't know i wouldn't feel bad honestly the
situation was right
oh yeah and i could definitely get away with it yeah because he's gonna do it
again that's the thing
that's the fucked up part yes why do they get out of jail like why did why are
they not in jail forever
that should be like life sentence it should be life sentence and it should be a
special prison
you know where they all go because i don't like the whole idea like put them in
general population
and then they get like they get raped and killed just put them in their own
fucked up little island true and let it be like you know lord of the flies did
you ever see pervert park
no dude there's a documentary you might want to watch it's about literally a
trailer park in
florida where they put pedophiles and every night dudes drive by and like throw
bottles over the
fence really it's the most it's really sad though you watch it you hear their
stories you're like oh
you guys are all molested and you're like yeah well that's the thing yeah yeah
but it's kind of the
hot potato it's like bro you're busted so 