Name: Ep 514 - Back Together Yay (feat. WARMODE)
Uploaded: 2024-09-09T19:50:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 514 - Back Together Yay (feat. WARMODE)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 514 - Back Together Yay (feat. WARMODE)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-09. Transcript available.

Ep 514 - Back Together Yay (feat. WARMODE)

Wild Wild West.
Heads up, we started.
What's up, guys?
What up?
Dude, you guys have no idea what it's like looking back on this from Texas,
just going,
just trying to crawl through my computer screen.
Just going, wish I was there.
Come on, let me through.
We needed you here.
The brothership has not been strong.
The bro ship's been...
What's up with the bro ship?
I've never even hang out with these guys.
We took a hit.
Bro.
What happened to the bro ship?
What's that?
What happened to the bro ship?
Well, personally, I want to get wings, but this has been like for like...
Who are you talking?
Shame, buddy, was saying he wasn't going to call you yesterday.
For three weeks.
And we got a beer.
Dude, for three days, I've had this weird thing where all I think about in my
head is like,
I should go get wings.
And I've like gained like 20 pounds in like three weeks.
I gained weight pretty quickly, dude.
I got one, like, you know the Philadelphia hoagies that are on like sarcones
rolls?
I got one of those.
You're only supposed to eat half of that.
And then I was like, dude, after like 45 minutes, I was like, I'll just finish
it.
What are you doing after the pot?
We're getting wings.
We're getting wings.
We're getting wings.
Yeah.
All right, why don't we have wings and brewskis near Helium?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, it's fine.
I'll be buzzed.
Dude, we went to a restaurant.
Massive L's.
We went to a restaurant to go get wings.
The first one was closed.
No, it was open.
It was fucking...
It opens at four.
We got there at 4.15.
What the fuck?
Well, they were like, we're not ready yet.
Dude, it was a fucking graveyard.
And then just one day walked out and was like, hey, y'all's kitchen doesn't
open for another
hour.
They got you.
Yeah.
And I was like, bro, why do y'all say y'all too, by the way?
I mean, Spade, we're literally just talking about this.
They say y'all and cheers.
Yeah.
Cheers in Fishtown makes me want to kill myself.
Then we went to a place that I thought for sure would have wings.
Cheers, guys.
But then they changed their menu up.
They changed their menu up to like real fancy shit.
Like Bill got croquettes.
Yeah.
They're potato tots, bro.
I got the hash browns from Dunkin' Donuts, three of them for $11.
11 bucks, three.
They fucked me.
And then I got in a car accident yesterday.
What?
Russian.
Bill's my counsel.
I probably shouldn't speak on it.
Yeah, please.
The case is still.
I wanted to wear a suit.
Taking litigation.
Yeah.
I was just like, fuck, I guess it's my fault.
And then Bill's like, fuck this.
Oh, that's why you said Esquire on the phone.
Yeah, Esquire and Esquire and Esquire.
Yeah, Bill's like, fuck this.
I'm going to war.
You got attacked by a domestic terrorist?
I got hit with a Russian Lyft driver.
Oh.
I shouldn't say, dude, honestly, counsel, can I speak?
Yeah, you can talk about it.
Good advice, counsel.
Yeah, an Israeli witness, too.
Not him.
I was banging a right in a one-lane street, and the guy hit the back of me.
How is it not my fault?
It's not your fault.
It is my fault.
No, if you get hit from behind, it's not your fault.
See, this is why I can't talk.
It's not your fault.
If you get hit from behind your car, it's not your fault.
It's literally not.
That's why people pull in front of you and jam their brakes.
Bill?
Exactly right.
You're innocent.
Spade got hit with one safe bar person who just goes, well, it's your fault.
He goes, okay, I guess it's my fault, though.
Yeah, no, it's not.
They're like, are you ready to begin the recording?
I was like, oh, yeah.
They triggered you?
They got to make you a murder or whatever.
Did you agree to it?
I don't know.
Did you agree?
Yeah, I didn't even.
Nah, bro.
Yeah, see, I fucked up.
You need to get your lawyer.
You need to call C. Breezy.
William McCusker.
Call him dog.
Dude, Bill went to the gym and then he went to the crime scene and videotaped
it and sent
it to State Farm.
Ooh.
He's a good lawyer.
They don't know.
Call C. Breezy, dude.
And then you harassed me on the street.
Yeah, I harassed him.
After you knocked the case down.
Also, I have good litigation against you.
You ran a red light.
I did.
I did.
Dude, I made the biggest scene.
Ran a red light while honking my horn, screaming, shit!
I was just carrying my coffees, dude.
I was just being a good guy.
Yeah, Kobe.
You're gonna ruin your plausibility to represent.
Why?
Maddy.
If you're trying to use words.
You lose, you lost your plausibility.
How?
You ran a red light and I got it.
Has nothing to do with the case.
If you want to take me to court for on that red light, we can handle that.
Did you run that red light?
Because you already said you ran it.
You ran it.
You said you ran it.
Allegedly running a red light.
No, you said it already.
You literally said you did.
Well, this has nothing to do with the case.
Don't talk about this.
I have to stay with my current counsel.
What's the torch situation?
What's the current torch?
I don't know.
I learned about that junior year of high school.
I don't remember the torch.
We got to check into the torts.
Dude, I had a guy.
I got just crashed.
Some lady just nailed me.
Pause.
Well, I'll take it.
Let me play.
Some lady just nailed my car.
She had no insurance.
And I had like the worst of the worst insurance.
And I called a lawyer.
He's like, I checked the torts.
He's like, they're just going to write you a check for $3,500.
I remember this, dude.
This was when your car was beached for like a year.
Yeah, man.
That was crazy.
Did I ever tell you the whole situation with that?
What?
This is a crazy story.
Dude, so the lady just nailed my car, fucked me up, airbags deployed.
Oh, I forgot about that.
Came out.
Dude, came out of it like, I got to get the license plate.
Yeah, totaled my Civic.
Came out, got the license plate off the lady and she just...
How many...
When was this?
This was like...
26, 17.
You guys were doing the podcast.
18, it would have been like 18, I think.
You might have got CTE'd.
I did, dude.
You've changed.
Bro, I was fucked up.
I didn't sleep.
I didn't sleep after that.
Dude, I didn't sleep for real for four days and I wasn't tired.
Alex, brother.
It was...
It was FBI, dude.
Yeah, it fucked me up pretty badly.
And...
I don't know if that still stands.
Maybe get monetary.
Dude, like, so...
Did you become retarded from a car accident?
Yeah.
Call Billy.
Yeah.
Call get Bill offered.
I'm going to put it...
Get a billboard with Bill on it.
But dude, the whole story's kind of nuts because I...
I got her...
I got her license plate.
I got her license plate.
So, I use my police contacts.
You're more in the law.
I'm more in, like, the pint of the shield.
Right.
So, I used my police contacts.
I got her address and an officer I knew at the time...
That's BTS.
That's literally legal.
Fuck.
That's BTS, man.
As your counsel, stop talking about that.
You found her name.
Can I tell you the whole story?
You can't.
But that's legal.
And it's literally against the law.
You can do...
The police can do that, can't they?
Comedy podcast.
The police can't do that for a friend.
Well, what about a lover?
It's abuse of power.
Is it abuse of power?
You know these comedians make up stories.
I can't tell the rest of the story.
The rest of the story is way more of an abuse of power.
What'd you do?
I got to go.
That's a joke.
That's someone I knew.
Okay.
So, let's say the story.
Story, legend has it.
I heard of somebody who did this.
Story time, y'all.
We went to the house.
We went to the house.
And it was in not the best neighborhood.
So, I didn't want to get recognized.
So, I just got to, like, sit there and chill.
While someone I knew who, you know, whatever, went up to the door.
Knocked up and was like, yo, where isn't the person?
Like, oh, they're not here.
They're not here.
Blah, blah, blah.
And they're like, look, man.
Am I, we just want to, like, you know, there was a hit and run.
It was a serious incident.
Just, they should do the right thing.
And they went actually, and they ended up, did, like, going and turn themselves
in.
They didn't get any trouble.
I didn't press charges.
But then later on, the person who hit me called my police contact and literally
told, they're
like, officer, officer, my daughter suffered a terrible thing.
Somebody videotaped her sucking their dick and put it on Facebook.
What can we do?
And they were like, man, I can't help you.
I don't know what to do.
What the fuck?
Yeah.
I don't remember that.
Karma's a bitch, y'all.
That's all I'm saying.
God damn.
Karma's a bitch.
Yeah, it was bad.
I felt, I actually felt bad.
You were, you were probably like, I mean, we should probably review the tape
for legal purposes.
I said, I was like, if you make us whole, you can, we can, we can, give me that
tape and
we're even.
Pound of flesh.
Shit.
That was all, that's all fictional.
That's just street justice.
Yeah.
That's all fictional.
Powerful.
In the headphones, that's crazy.
I got to stop drinking water right into the microphone.
I'm sorry, y'all.
I'm sorry, y'all.
No, cheers.
I got CTs, bro.
I got hit.
And I got, dude, the airbag deployed.
And by the way, there was, there was a scratch off your face up.
Dude, it's, brother, most people would hit my forearm.
I was quicker than the airbag, swear to God.
It came at me and I went like that and it scuffed my forearm.
Not lying.
That's super human, bro.
Yeah, it wasn't on the air.
You were probably covering up for the accident.
No, it was.
Did you see the accident coming?
Dude, I saw the lady pull it out.
I was listening to, fuck, what was the song?
It's probably rapping.
It's going to be so funny.
The what?
Whatever song it was.
Any song you're listening to, if you get in a car accident, it's so funny.
Oh my God, let me find the, fuck, it's by like, it's not like Jane's Addiction.
I think it's Jane's Addiction.
I just put Rooster in your head earlier.
Getting an accent to Rooster would be sick.
Yeah, what?
Allison changes.
Dude, let me see if I can find this, because it's like, it's kind of
embarrassing.
So I'll like listen to it every now and again, and I'm like.
Damn, that was a serious accident.
I didn't know how bad it was.
Dude, my airbag deployed, and I remember I saw the car, I was like, fuck, hit
it, and there
was just like, fuck.
What?
Probably hurt having your alarm.
Dude, it fucking hurt like hell.
I was, I was, I lost consciousness.
I was out, and I came to, and I was just like, what the fuck, and just saw that
car, and
I was like, bitch.
You could have become a paraplegic, bro.
This is true.
Did your airbag deploy in your car accident with the tractor trailer when you
were trying to
get your game?
No.
Did you just went under?
Yeah.
Damn, that's scary.
Then he kept driving.
No, it was so scary.
He kept driving.
Wait, what happened?
During COVID.
Remember Shane during COVID took his dad or mom's car?
I borrowed my mom's car to go to Best Buy to buy a-
You went into a tractor trailer?
I, I, I, I needed, look, I needed my NCAA.
I needed an HDMI cord for the Xbox 360.
I was like, mom, can I please borrow the CRV to take the Best Buy to buy this
cord?
I pulled it in the right lane.
I pulled it into a returning right lane.
A tractor trailer was making a legal right turn for the record.
It's the opposite of space.
It's literally a sign out that says no right turn.
The tractor trailer didn't see me pull up next to him and just slowly turned.
Oh, so I just watched the, the, the trailer, the trailer just, I was like, yo,
yo, I just
watched it hit me and then he kept driving, he couldn't see me.
So I was like, don't shit, I'm under your truck.
The wheels were right next to the door.
That could have been the end of you, bro.
No, it would have been a real slow death.
I would have been too lazy.
I wouldn't have moved.
I would have been too lazy.
I was like, oh, here it comes.
So then I drove the car home and I was like, dad, can I borrow your car?
I needed those.
That's all you could do.
There's all I can do.
I was thinking about getting a gaming system yesterday.
I 