Name: Ep 516 - Gloom Flower (feat. Sam Tallent, Lemaire Lee, & Shawn Gardini)
Uploaded: 2024-09-17T20:33:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 516 - Gloom Flower (feat. Sam Tallent, Lemaire Lee, & Shawn Gardini)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 516 - Gloom Flower (feat. Sam Tallent, Lemaire Lee, & Shawn Gardini)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-17. Transcript available.

Ep 516 - Gloom Flower (feat. Sam Tallent, Lemaire Lee, & Shawn Gardini)

Wow, wow, Wes.
Are we live?
All right, we'll start it now.
Hey.
Hello.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to the motherfucking podcast.
Another week on this hellacious Gravitron we call on Earth.
Twisted blue marble, man.
Can't stand up on this Gravitron.
Sam Tallent, thank you for joining us.
LeMay or Gardini.
Thank you for having me.
Thank you guys, Les.
I thought me and Matt were just going to be in here and talking about men stuff.
We can talk about men stuff.
Men's table, boys' table.
We're not.
I love my fellow man.
I'm not going to demean you guys.
We're men.
You're wearing a Power Ranger shirt.
Boys' table.
Your uncle died and you got that shirt.
He's got the basic brand on.
LeMayor, thank you for the hookup, by the way, in Rhode Island.
Oh, the studio?
Yeah, the studio was.
Was it nice?
LeMayor, I thought you designed it, man.
Yeah.
Just fucking, like, action figures everywhere.
You were the goo game.
Shout out to the bros, though.
They held it down.
I interviewed Glenn Larley.
Yeah.
Dominic, black, conservative.
Yeah.
Dude, did you meet Beans?
Yeah.
Bobby Beans?
Yeah, man.
Bobby Beans rules.
That's your bro?
Yeah.
White Bull, right?
Yeah.
I met that White Bull.
You got bros all over?
LeMayor's boys.
LeMayor's boys.
Dude, Spud was just marveling over your tentacles across the country.
It's the United States of LeMayor.
Yeah, the LeMayor diaspora is thick.
Yo, I swear to God, anytime I'm like, LeMayor, I'm going to be here.
I'm going to, like, find a studio.
He goes, oh, I know somebody who has, like, a studio over there.
And your bros are solid, dude.
Yeah.
Absolute beast.
Keep them tight.
I assume that the walls are typically, like, rubber, you know?
Like, I feel like some of these studios are just like this place.
They were former sex parlors.
This place was a former.
This is probably where, like, all the anal went down, by the way.
We're in the back of the Black Rabbit.
That's why it smells like chicory coffee.
Soon to be historic Black Rabbit.
Soon to be.
Yeah, this is definitely the anal chamber.
Directal.
Maybe just gay stuff, actually.
It might have been, this might have been the Strictly Gay Dungeon.
This is the closet.
It might have such a good podcasting space.
Yeah, because that's what we're doing.
This is the gayest thing that's happening.
This is as close to gay as I get, goddammit.
Yep, it is.
These labels we put on ourselves.
I do have a theory that every old man turns, like, hopelessly homosexual at,
like, 65.
I don't know why I have this theory in my head.
Like, every time, like, an old man in an airport, like, looks at me, I'm like,
you don't want to fuck me, you old nasty.
You old nasty.
It's giving you up now.
I'm telling you, man, I have a theory that every man at 60 turns, like, wildly.
It's wildly gay and uncontrollably gay.
Well, yeah, it's all of, it's like every man's fate at, like, 60 to be like, I
can't take it anymore, dude.
Yeah.
Goddamn.
Yeah.
I tried this fucking bullshit for 65 years.
Yeah.
Got me here.
You know what?
Why didn't I just fuck my boys?
Yeah.
That's my brother's logic.
True.
True.
Yeah.
Jim's was just here.
He fucking almost hit us with a hot shot.
Well, maybe that's not our business to dive on.
What happened?
Well, never mind.
He almost got infected with HIV.
We were bug chasing with debris when he was here last week.
Now, that's a podcast.
Bug chasing with Jim's?
You guys almost catch some fin?
No.
I don't, I don't, he doesn't want this in a public forum.
I shouldn't have brought that up.
You guys don't want to highlight all of your cocaine issues.
He had a fucking, no, it's different.
It was just a job.
He had a sore, like, like, two days into the hang.
Gotcha.
Right after we smoked a gin.
He was like, bro, you gotta let us know.
That's the worst.
You can't get a cold sore, like, passing the blunt.
I don't know.
I don't think so.
No, it's not.
It's not a pass the blunt.
Us?
We, I don't think, I don't think.
I know, but we were kissing a lot, too, so.
You just want to get them on your dick.
Getting a cold sore is nothing.
Yeah.
I was born, and I had, I got cold sores, like, as a child.
Did you really?
Yeah, because I think my mom had, bore the cross.
My mom bore the cross as well, but I didn't get it.
I don't have them down south, but I'll pop one up, and then everyone's like, oh,
you were
living.
It's like, no, my mom was a child of the 70s.
My mother lived, she lived long.
She was living.
Yeah, I don't think, is it necessarily sexual to get a cold sore?
I think it just gets passed down through the generations.
I hope not, because I get them.
Yeah, I think if you're just, I think if you're just, like, face is just puckered
at misery
for long enough, they just sprang up.
Just a gloom flower.
Oral herpes.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, of course you could get it from sex.
Oral sex.
I think it's from kissing all your old aunties, dude.
Hey, aunties.
Aunties are freaky as hell, dude.
I might start seeing their tests and be like, did you get tested recently
before you kiss
everyone?
I need to see the papers, dude.
You need the auntie bodies.
It's like you're in prison, you're checking people's passports.
That would be good, though, to start, like, I might start a thing like a non-profit
where
I'm free-checking the aunties.
Or just, like, at the, you know, they're all fucking at the, which one we call
it?
The old ladies.
Oh, yeah.
I'm going to get them papers and be like, bro, you can totally cream pie this
old lady.
I don't want to be graphic, but I'm saying, like, it'd be nice.
We'll be there one day, dude.
You want to know, like...
Let me just check the chart real quick.
Won't be needing this.
That must be...
Nobody talks about the CP in the retirement home.
The freak-off in the old lady home.
Dude, just having your new balances on is being like, in the retirement home.
You know the nurses can hear you.
Yeah, like an old Haitian woman has to wheel you into the room to get fucked by
some guy,
and then you ring a bell, and she comes and retrieves you?
Yeah, I think so.
An old Haitian lady can't do that.
She's too busy.
He's jealous.
Yeah, true.
Oh, my lord.
No, you can't say that that wasn't proven.
Just because you saw it on TV does not make it true.
Just because you have those braids doesn't mean you can go crazy on the island
violence.
I did hear, whatchamacallit, J.D. Vance came through.
They were, like, pressing him on that question, and he was like,
Well, here's the thing, whether or not a Haitian woman ate a cat,
there are still boots-on-the-ground reality to the immigration crisis
that you guys at CNN, whoever it was, aren't covering.
He kind of definitely maneuvered around it.
Yeah.
That's all it is now.
Sticky move.
Sticky move.
Yeah, sticky move.
Sticky move.
Well, whether or not people are eating cats is less the point.
And it's like, well, it's pretty important.
It's cool to know.
My theory was to get the pets to start eating the immigrants.
That's my solution to the problem that I pitched this weekend.
Where'd you pitch at?
In the stand-up comedy show.
That was my funny joke show.
That was your funny joke show?
So you said that within the context of stand-up comedy, of lifting the spirits
of masses.
Yeah, it was in jest.
But what if they are eating cats?
Who gives a fuck?
They're street cats.
We don't need those cats.
I stand with La Mer.
I would not be too mad.
If someone ate a stray cat, I'd be like, bro, things are looking up in America.
Sick of these nasty little creatures walking around.
Get these cats fired up.
Because I think there was.
Weren't the rats true?
Weren't people spitting the rats?
Like, barbecuing the rats out?
I think they've been doing that in New York for a long time.
There's a lot of rats.
The poor people in New York, I think they've just been munching the critters
forever.
It's a renewable protein source.
I don't either.
That's why, dude, rabbits were the original.
Yo!
What is that?
It's rats on the spit.
Those are big enough to eat, though.
Those things are huge, bro.
Those are raccoons.
Looks like a capybara.
Well, dude, here's the thing.
Dude, in America.
Yes.
That's a marmot for sure.
In America, I think in the colonial times, people used to eat rabbit.
That's hilarious.
People used to eat rabbit like there was nothing.
So it's like, you know.
And apparently, rabbit's a very high source of protein.
And you can actually get sick because they have so much protein, you're not
getting any fat.
There's a certain illness you can get from just eating rabbit, but you do get
shredded.
You got to mix it with beef.
Hmm?
You got to mix it with beef.
I think with vegetables and grains, you can't just be crushing rabbits all day.
Well, you need a fat.
That's the problem.
If you're eating just a rabbit, you're not getting enough fat.
And you get so shredded that it becomes a medical problem.
Yeah.
That's the big thing for bug out people.
It's like the first thing you're supposed to do if like the bomb falls is go
out and find
two breeding pairs of rabbits.
That's I'm telling you.
Yeah, exactly.
Because then rabbits will procreate at a rate that will feed your family.
You'll have an abundance of rabbits if you lock them in your basement as like
there's nuclear
fallout out there.
Yep.
You got to find like an avocado to somewhere.
Find an avocado.
Yeah.
A single peach pit.
I was with Spud recently and he was saying we were talking about how important
it is
to just have like a bro crash your house into your marriage and just try to
like fight your
wife for you a little bit.
He was in his friend's house.
It's just such a funny, it's such a funny thing because he was like, yeah, I
don't know.
I guess you got pissed because I was in there talking about bug out bags.
No wife wants to hear bros talking bug out bags, dude.
Yeah, Spud's a fucking rock tumbler for a wife.
Spud is the best, dude.
I was with him all weekend in Rhode Island.
With Nick Rochefort.
Yes, with Nick Rochefort.
What a triad.
It was amazing, dude.
Johnny Del Calo, dude.
It was great.
Oh, dude, we were saying that's big for white culture.
Yeah, dude, we were saying that's big for white culture.
This was literally, this was the all-white party, bro.
Fuck the Hamptons.
White excellence.
It was, man, it was funny.
It was a very funny weekend.
We haven't spun up there the whole time.
It was unbelievable.
Nick Rochefort is honestly one of the funniest people in the world.
He is insanely funny.
It's ridiculous.
I get mad how funny he is.
Yes, it almost hurts.
We were sitting there at dinner and it's like, dude, you're literally saying
the funniest
stuff in 30 straight minutes.
Take a break, dude.
I need to recharge.
This is amazing.
Did you see him on skanks?
No.
Oh, yeah, when he was mud veined?
Yeah, that was so funny.
He's so fucking funny, dude.
Spud should supply that service to married men.
Bro.
You should hire out Spud to, like, come stay in your house for a week and just
confront
all of your wife's most sacred ideals.
You want to send your wife on Tilt?
Yeah.
1-800-SPUD.
True.
Just to, like, break her out of, like, the girl algorithm just a little bit.
Women need to know about bug out bags.
True.
They did, like, get girls against conspiracies.
They somehow tapped into the female hive mind.
Like, if someone's talking about conspiracies, don't fuck them.
Dude, women would have too many bug out bags.
They carry a bug out bag at all times.
That's the person.
They just bug out about the wrong stuff.
All of their bugs are just about their appearance.
True.
They're micro bugging the whole time.
That's all they care about.
They're micro bugging.
They're like, I don't need food.
I don't need a gun.
I just need mascara.
They're just constantly on the edge of an apocalypse at all times.
And they're peering over into it.
Yeah, it's fucking crazy.
Dude, you know what's actually, to their credit, so I have my aura ring now, so
I'm tracking
my biometrics.
Do you have two?
Just one.
This is my wedding ring.
Oh, okay.
Love of my wife.
Love for the data.
Dude, she