Name: Ep 519 - Percs and Caicos (feat. Nate Marshall & Shawn Gardini)
Uploaded: 2024-09-26T12:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 519 - Percs and Caicos (feat. Nate Marshall & Shawn Gardini)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 519 - Percs and Caicos (feat. Nate Marshall & Shawn Gardini)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-26. Transcript available.

Ep 519 - Percs and Caicos (feat. Nate Marshall & Shawn Gardini)

Wow, Wes.
We're here, guys.
What's going on?
Welcome to my Ponzi scheme of a podcast.
I'm going to start doing coaching.
Coaching?
Multi-level.
$25,000.
Yeah, dude, give me $25,000.
I'll tell you how to build a million dollars.
If I could be any of them people, I'd be a relationship coach,
but I just feel like I got it.
Twin flame expert?
Yeah, I think I could do it.
Just simple advice.
I do come to you when I need advice.
I come to both of you when I need advice, to be honest.
Is it ever actually good?
I be feeling like it's good, and then I be like,
ah, shit ain't going to work.
No, yours is pretty good.
Okay.
You're good at keeping people off of simp mode.
Yeah, that's what I try.
You just, his advice is always just don't answer her for like four days.
It works.
It always works.
It works.
Yeah, simp, yeah.
Andy will tell this story a bunch when he first met his wife,
when they were first dating.
He was telling me a story about her like always,
and he said on our podcast, this ain't like a secret thing or anything,
is she would do this thing where she would like storm out of his house,
and then he'd go out there after her,
and then he'd be like, come on, baby, don't leave out, blah, blah,
and bring her back in.
And then one time he was telling me that.
I was like, let her go next time.
And she left, and she drove, and he said like five minutes later,
he gets a call from her just like, why didn't you come back for me?
And it was like, he said it was like a paradigm point.
Yeah.
Flip the switch.
Flip the switch.
I've seen the suitcase a couple times myself.
You're like, oh, yeah.
Yeah, we all, you weren't long enough.
My last apartment.
Catch those wheels.
You're like, yeah, damn it.
Where the fuck do you think she's going?
Yeah, that is the best.
It's weird how like that kind of stuff can happen,
and then two days later, you're just like, what's up, dude?
Yeah.
That was wild back then.
It's amazing how hard it is to just like keep that just two people in one house
without like fucking freaking out.
Especially when you have a little bit of space.
Like you can get away.
Like you have a second bedroom or whatever.
You have somewhere else to go.
It feels weird, though.
Did you ever hit the second bedroom?
Yeah, obviously, you just lay there,
and you're just kind of like, she'll come get me eventually.
Actually, I do the girl thing where I'm like, she'll come get me.
I just lay there, and I'm like, I can't get comfortable.
Putting yourself in time out of the showroom.
It's not as comfortable as my bed.
I'm like, where is she?
I'm going to my room.
You and my girl did like five days in the opposite walks.
It was kind of long.
Damn.
Yeah.
It's kind of boss.
Yeah, and we didn't speak, and I was like, she spoke first.
I did hold out.
I was like, I can't speak because I'm paranoid.
In my head, I was like, if I speak first, it's over because of me.
And it was like, I don't want to give her any satisfaction.
You guys did like a vinyasa silent retreat?
Yeah, it was like just walking in the kitchen.
Whatever it's called.
Like a vinyasa.
I just co-side like, yeah.
You guys did the silent retreat.
That's a sick move.
Did you ever live with an ex?
Yeah.
That's a wild one.
Or like when it's over, but you got to still share the house?
Kind of.
It was because of the-
Berlin wall situation, dude.
That sounds crazy.
It was when I was real young.
She was, this lady was like living with her mom.
Like her parents, like kind of kicked her out the crib.
She was just staying with me in my parents' house.
And then we broke up.
And it was like-
You became brother and sister?
It was only like two more weeks of it.
That's still hell, dude.
It's crazy long.
I've done it.
It's fucking hell.
Were you still, did you still like have sex at all?
I don't think so.
I don't think so.
I honestly, I don't remember.
I think I blacked out the memories of it.
I've done it multiple times.
It's like, it's like literally the worst living conditions.
You wake up and you're like,
and you're just like, get out of the room as fast as you can.
That's the thing too.
I'm not sleeping on a couch.
I refuse.
I refuse.
I'm sleeping in my fucking bed.
It's like, I like my bed.
It's a comfortable bed.
You still lay like head to head.
You flip it old school.
Go head to head.
69.
Guess the resentment 69.
Platonic 69.
No, it's a, man.
It's really tough though.
Cause if you think about how hard it is for two people to like get along very
well over
a long period of time, it's like, what hope is there for the world?
Yeah.
Like if we ever decide on world peace, it seems like, I mean, maybe we'll just
become like
better equipped to do that, but it seems pretty, a pretty tough thing.
Yeah.
It's not, I don't think it's possible.
Cause even if there were like, if like all the nations were like, we've
actually agreed,
we're all going to stop fighting each other and agree to cooperate.
I'd still be like, kind of pissed and be like, fuck.
What the fuck?
I don't feel like I'm fucking late.
Fuck.
I told you to stop fucking bothering me.
I'm doing a pretty ass.
Oh, you're specifically still with you and your lady, no matter.
I might drop the nuke.
Dropping the nuke on my own house.
It is fun though.
Over the years, it is like a, there's something to, I can't explain it, but
there's something
to like living with a woman for a long period of time.
Yeah.
Or like there is, I mean, there's stuff at like, just like pull stuff out of
your brain
and just like parts of your character.
And it does start to like, it's like water just running over a stone.
Eventually.
I think dudes, I fought it for the longest time, but I think eventually you
just become
one of those like, yeah, she's the boss.
Happy wife.
Happy wife.
I was like, I'll never give into that.
I've been kind of like, dude, that's too much.
I might just white knight simp it for the rest of my life.
It's ultimate simp.
When the dude finally taps out and he's like, yep, just got to keep her happy.
She's the boss.
And you know, I have my little space I've carved out.
I don't think I've ever in my life seen the opposite at an old age.
Like a dude who's like, I still run this show.
Shut the fuck up.
I don't think I've ever seen an old.
It's not worth it.
It also looks nuts.
Or you just have to deep state.
It's true.
You have to just become deep state within the household.
You're like, no, no, no, you're the president.
And this guy like.
Start tricking her.
Just showing her your, send her your shit.
It's like the algorithm's the same.
We all want to watch the fucking wire.
Economic sabotage.
I've threatened that before.
Like, I'll fucking quit doing all this shit, dude.
I'll go back to doing construction.
I don't have no fucking money.
You'll see how you like that.
I don't give a fuck.
Exactly.
Total trade embargo.
I've threatened with that.
I'll fucking quit this shit right now, dude.
I'll go back to being a laborer.
That's awesome.
33 bucks an hour, dude.
It's not bad.
Not probably down Tejas, but I have to move up back up.
Yeah, it's too hard, though.
I might.
Did I fantasize about picking up the broom on multiple occasions?
I'll go sweep dust on the construction site for fucking $32.
I couldn't do it here, though.
I can't.
I don't think I was built for it back home.
Here, I would die.
Here, you gotta dress like a fucking Fallout character.
You gotta have, like, a hat, face mask, and, like, long sleeves.
I've seen dudes, like, in the long sleeves.
That's, like, the new swag now.
That is the new swag.
I'm just picturing a dude with just, like, you ever play the game, you have all
the different
armor, none of it matches.
That's what every landscaper out here looks like in Texas.
It's like...
It's because of the burn.
It's full, like...
It's like...
Yeah, exactly.
Sun poisoning.
Dude, I'm...
Sunblock can't even stop it.
You think I...
It's a miracle I didn't get sun poisoning out in Turks and Caicos.
I know.
I'm very curious about Caicos.
That's what you just came back from?
Yeah.
It was the...
It was sick as fuck.
I remember I got burnt to hell when I was, like, a young in there.
Bro, I don't know how I didn't, but it's, like...
I think, honestly...
It's because of that melanin.
I'm getting melanin.
I think I'm in, like, a melanated force field.
I think I just get...
I swear to God.
Dude, there's no way I'm not getting cooked to death.
I don't know what it is.
I also use Black Lady Sunscreen.
Oh, what's the difference?
Well, because, like, the new stuff that's, like, zinc for the honkies, it just
makes our
face look like Braveheart, basically.
It's just...
It's just all white.
It doesn't soak in that well.
Oh, I see.
So they have, like, the Black Lady Sunscreen where it just kind of, like,
disappears on your
face.
Yeah.
You don't get hung up with that.
And also, dude, Brittany was...
I was, like, what's in that shit?
Like, what's the ingredients?
I'm, like, big on, like, reading it.
Like, what is that?
And, like, what's in that stuff?
And she...
She's, like, what do you...
It's probably all the same good stuff you have in yours.
Like, you really think they put the bad stuff in Black Sunscreen?
I was, like, uh, yeah.
Definitely, dude.
Like, have you learned nothing?
Like, yeah.
Like, you should be reading this stuff.
It's Black Lady Sunscreen.
Like, have you learned nothing from history?
Like, of course they're going to put the worst shit ever.
They put crack in the Black Lady Sunscreen.
There's probably AIDS in there.
I'm going to have to get a test.
I'm going to get tested.
Yeah, you might need it.
I'm going to call it a bug from my Black Lady Sunscreen.
It was just crazy.
She got, like, mad at me.
She was, like, you really think that?
And I was, like, it's a possibility.
I 100% think things that are, like, geared specifically towards Black...
Like, I don't use cash yet.
Because I'm, like...
I'm going to do something with my money if I use cash.
I stopped smoking.
Like, I stopped smoking.
Yeah.
No Black in my eyes.
I'm, like, no.
This is...
This can't be possibly good.
Yeah.
Like, things that are a thing.
Yeah.
Well, dude, you know what?
Speaking of...
Well, kind of speaking of that.
I saw a dude...
So, I was at Turks and Caicos.
And I saw a bartender rocking Yeezys.
And he was, like...
Like, a younger kid was there.
And it was, like...
It was, like, the...
I saw a lot of this, like, the prototypical horny teenage son at the resort.
They'd be, like...
They'd be with their parents.
But you'd just see this dude just, like...
They'd be, like, jacked.
Like, 18-year-old kid's, like...
Yeah, dude, I can finally drink.
This is sick.
He was chatting to the bartender.
He's, like, I love sneakers, too.
Oh, fuck, dude.
I fucking...
And they were, like, going back and forth.
And the bartender was kind of justifying his Yeezys, which is my favorite thing.
When people wear them, they're, like...
They're really comfortable, man.
Like, these are real comfortable shoes.
Like, oh, dude, they're fucking sick.
Yeah, I've been there.
I go to that.
Dude, Kanye...
Here's my whole point.
Kanye is a fashion designer.
It wasn't that crazy to say he loved Hitler as a fashion designer.
If you think about it, every great fashion designer has to say one unhinged
thing.
Tommy Hilfiger.
Hugo Boss.
I don't want black people wearing my stuff.
Loved him so much.
Yeah.
Hugo Boss.
You know, he loved the Nazis.
The dude from Lululemon.
Nuts.
Oh, yeah.
That was so funny.
Said he doesn't want fat ladies wearing his stuff.
And he named it because...
He named it because when he goes to Asia, he, like, likes to watch people try
to pronounce
Lululemon.
He said it makes him laugh.
He might be the funniest guy.
Yeah, that guy, girl.
He's too funny.
He's too funny.
That's kind of on...
That's, like, on...
That's kind of on brand for, like, fashion geniuses to be, like...
Just for no reason to say the craziest thing.
Chanel getting her, like, cheeks clapped by Nazis regularly.
That's right, yeah.
Coco Chanel?
Yeah, the lady who started...
What?
Sh