Name: Ep 521 - Time Under Tension (feat. Chris Distefano)
Uploaded: 2024-10-10T19:47:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 521 - Time Under Tension (feat. Chris Distefano)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 521 - Time Under Tension (feat. Chris Distefano)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-10. Transcript available.

Ep 521 - Time Under Tension (feat. Chris Distefano)

Wow, wow, Wes.
Today, you're going to watch the game though today, right?
No.
You don't even give a fuck.
You're not like glued to it at all.
Not at all.
Interesting.
Are you Eagles or any sports?
I like the Eagles too.
I don't care about sports.
My dad never watched sports growing up, so I never watched it.
Shane is a maniac with sports, right?
I love sports, yeah.
Yeah.
I've literally tried for like conversation's sake to like get into it.
I just, man, I don't give a fuck.
All right.
It would take hours to like.
Right.
It's so much.
And I've tried doing like, I'll watch like the clips and highlights and still.
All right.
Yeah.
I don't care.
Yeah, I don't know.
I guess I love sports, but I don't like like the UFC or the cars.
I don't know anything about that.
So like some, in some ways I'm a guy, in some ways I'm a woman.
Yeah, I'm a total woman.
I'm a total woman.
Let me start it.
Oh, yeah?
Beautiful.
Yeah, dude, we're in, bro.
I'm an absolute total woman when it comes to sports.
Yeah, I don't know.
I wish like, because, you know, I feel like, you know, like my dad.
Christian Stefano, by the way, sorry.
Christian Stefano.
What's up, baby?
I'm here.
By the way, I'm here with hungover with no hair product in.
So if anyone's going to talk shit about my hair, you go fuck yourself.
I'm growing it out, scumbags, because I know what your fans are going to say.
They're not going to say anything.
They're not going to talk about your hair.
They're going to say, they're going to come on here.
Your fans are going to say, how could he be so disrespectfully?
Comes on no hair product in a Zara t-shirt.
What kind of guy does he think he is?
And I just want to say, you know what, guys?
I don't give a fuck.
There you go.
It's at the present.
Also, thank you for coming early in the morning.
Bro, I'm here, but we're dads, man.
Not a lot of comics exist before noon.
Bro, we're up, bro.
We're up.
We're hanging out.
I mean, like, I got to, you know, I'm on New York time.
My kids get up at, you know, what are we, an hour behind here?
So I'm up FaceTiming with the kids at 6 a.m., getting yelled at by them, their
mother.
So I was up, ready to go.
The road FaceTime's tough, bro.
It's tough.
You cry on FaceTime, and your wife's like, go, and you're like.
I know.
Yeah, I hope you're having fun in your hotel room.
Relaxing.
You just masturbated.
Yeah, I'm like, oh, God, I know.
My daughters keep calling.
I'm like, I'm almost done.
You have a little window.
You're like, hey, what's going on?
Dude, but I got to be honest with you.
It's horrible here.
You can't watch porn.
It's like blocked in Texas.
So I'm like, dude, yesterday I was jerking off to old SportsCenter clubs.
They used to have some hotties back on old SportsCenter.
I've got like Linda Cohn, old Linda Cohn.
You got to get creative.
You got to get creative here.
Yeah, so what do you do?
Like, how do you get around it?
Dude, it's funny.
I mean, this just testifies to the theory that I'm mostly woman, just erotic
literature.
I'll read like erotic literature online.
I like that.
Build a picture up in my head.
Or you can bust out like the old porn sites.
Like XN, XX.
So those aren't blocked.
They're not blocked yet.
That's funny that they don't, that Texas doesn't even know that those exist.
Just the main one.
Yeah, just blocks.
That's like when I grew up, my parents blocked all the music channels, but not
BET because
they didn't know it was a thing.
Right.
So I had BET.
Yeah, right.
That's the only music channel I had.
That you could do.
Now I have a black wife, dude.
Dude, the thing they were trying to prevent, they created.
And so, but wait, so did you grow up like hardcore, like rules, discipline type
family?
Oh yeah, big time.
Like military?
No, no, no.
My parents, my dad and his brothers owned a trash company, but it was still, it
was like
Irish Catholic, super like church every Sunday.
Right.
Can't talk back.
Right.
See, not heard, all that stuff.
Do you do church still with your kids?
No, I want to, I want to go, my wife grew up more like Baptist.
Sure.
So, and I grew up in the Catholic church.
Right.
So I'm like, I told her like, pick a church.
I'll go to whoever one you pick.
Then I go to black church and I'm always kind of like.
Yeah, it's great.
It's fun, but I just feel like an interloper, dude.
When I'm there, I feel like they can't go.
I don't know.
I feel like I'm kind of like a wet blanket on the party.
Yeah.
They're kind of like, we, we accepting of you here, but we actually really don't
want you
here.
That's the, that's the feeling.
It could just be internally.
They're kind of like saying like, we actually come to church because of what
your people
did to our people.
So now the fact that you're here, it just kind of sucks for us.
And I get that feeling and I feel bad the whole time.
Yeah.
And then I'm like stiff because I'm holding down like Roman Catholic, like
Roman soldiers.
That's it, dude.
Straight.
Yeah.
Head stoic as hell and like they're having fun and I'm like trying to move my
just fucking
petrified body and it's just, it's uncomfortable.
But I told my wife, I was like, just pick a place, I'll go.
And you'll go.
Yeah.
Well, I always say like, I'm Catholic as well.
That's why we got the big triceps, dude, pushing down the gay.
Pushing it down.
I've been like this since I'm a kid.
Do you put, do you put your butt on the kneel?
Like when you kneel down, do you put your butt on the pew?
No.
So I, I, that was a big rule my mother had.
That was one of the most disrespectful things you could ever do in the presence
of God is
put your ass on that.
You got to be full kneeled up, butt tight, wedgie in the khakis.
You got to be straight up.
And if I ever leaned back and put my butt back, my mother would point at me and
yell and I
would have to get up.
I still get nervous.
So I, as an adult, I'll go like for like with my family every now and again,
with like my
mom.
And if I see like my wife hit her ass in the pew and I was like, I was like 35,
like, get
the...
Yeah, don't, what are you doing?
I get nervous.
I'm like, get your fucking ass off.
Yeah, you can't do it.
I mean, listen, there's rules in our church in, uh, in, uh, I, I, my family's
Puerto Rican.
So they're similar.
They're more, um, not, uh, Baptist.
It's like, uh, I think it's, is it the church of latter day saints?
I don't know what kind of school or it's a, uh, Episcopalian.
I don't know, dude.
It's one of those.
They're always talking in Spanish.
I don't know what they're saying.
I just know that they're kind of church.
When you walk in there, you literally think you're at like a kill Tony show.
Like you're like, there's people, the band's playing.
There's like stub pub tickets.
Everyone's in a wheelchair.
And, and you're just like, what is happening?
Like, I almost feel like I need, I need tickets to like get into her church.
Yeah, so, but, but we've, what I've been trying to tell my kids is like, listen,
this whole
idea of like, if we don't, my mom had it where if you do not go to church every
Sunday or
Saturday, five o'clock mass, you're gonna, you're doing bad.
You're gonna, you're going to hell sinning, blah, blah, blah.
So I don't do that with my kids.
I'm just like, look, we're going to make an attempt to go to church here every
week.
And if we can go, I'm like, I'm just trying to get us to a place where we're
not on our
devices.
We're not on our phones.
You're not on your iPad.
That's it.
Mommy's off the spin bike.
And then like, you know, we're all, we're all just, let's go to church together.
And I will say that when my family's in church, like they are calmer, they are
everyone like
spirituality.
I don't, I'm not saying whatever religion you gotta be, obviously, except, you
know, don't
be the big one, Muslim.
Hey, no, no, I'm kidding.
You know, that's true.
Be careful, though, if you're Muslim, because you can get like hyped up.
Yeah.
You hear the wrong sermon.
That's the thing.
Next thing you know, dude, you're flying on a plane.
Yeah, exactly.
Dude, there's no problems with being Muslim at all.
You can't like, don't go all the way.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
You want to go a little bit?
You want to fucking get in there, dip in, dip out?
Yeah.
Beautiful, dude.
What a beautiful culture.
And a corrective measure for your wife.
If you want to use it to like completely dom your wife, I get that.
100%, dude.
Have her cover up.
40 chess.
Yeah.
But Muslim women, dude, when they take that shit off, I mean, the beauty is
next level.
They look Latina to me.
They're Latina with hummus.
Yeah, true.
The hummus Latinas.
And I love them.
Yeah, they're beautiful babes.
Yeah, dude.
I love babes.
Austin has got so many.
It's crazy.
What we've seen, what Steve, my tour manager, Steve Ciccone-Ricerone, is here
in the background,
and him and I have been walking around, and Steve's a horny, horny guy.
Yeah, I bet.
Steve's like a horny guy.
Dude, Steve's the kind of guy, he lives above his mom's garage in Long Island.
Steve's a guy that he needs to fuck, and he wants to jerk off, and I allow it.
I'm like, do whatever you want to do.
His hair's blown in the wind in the back of his hat.
This guy needs to bang, and dude, and he's actually telling me that it's hard
to take for
him.
He's getting like, because it's so much, and it gets agitating.
And for me as well, it's like, you don't know what to do, what to say, because
a woman
walks by you and you're like, I know I have a family, but I'm willing to throw
it
away just to have a conversation with her, because in the moment, I'm only
alive once,
and this is what I need to do, I'm a man, I need to do this, this is what my
father wants
me to do, I have to honor our family name.
And then you're about to go walk and talk to her, and then you see another one,
and it
just keeps happening, and you don't know what to do.
And they're not wearing bras.
No, they're not wearing bras, and I've seen the outline of a hundred women's
vaginas in
this city.
I've been here for two days.
Steve and I have seen 100 pussies.
Steve, I'm sorry you're suffering like that.
Yeah.
Just chilling, just being like a rock, just being like Steve, dude, come on,
man.
Come on, man.
Dude, Steve's one of these guys, he's like very punctual, always on time for
everything.
The last two days, dude, he's been late, sprinting out of the hotel room, hair
soaking wet, and
I know he was cranking it.
He was having an episode?
Yeah, dude, he's been going, because this city, I mean, men and women, I mean,
talk about
a city like Austin, some of the most beautiful, we went to the gym yesterday,
and we saw five
of the most beautiful women we've ever seen in our entire life.
I mean, jacked, ripped, tip-top shape, and the guys, like me and him were
almost like falling
off the elliptical, which is like, again, we go to the women's parts of the gym.
We're on the elliptical, protecting our knees.
You gotta protect the joints, man.
You don't need to wear a tear.
But these guys who were doing like the real guy shit, you know, ball slams and
all that,
they're not even phased by this, because I guess it just becomes a part of what
it is
in this city.
It's beautiful.
Even you, dude, you were walking, you're like all jacked up now, where when I
saw you
when you were living in Philly, dude, you looked like Stephen Hawking.
You were like...
I was just slumped up.
Dude, you were slumped up, but now you're like pumped.
Beautiful babes get you pumped, man.
Dude, you've been lifting, definitely.
I have been lifting a lot, yeah.
I've been lifting a lot.
Creatine, you doing a little creatine?
A little bit.
A little bit, right?
A little bit of creatine.
Do you get any puffiness, or is it just pretty much jacked?
I'm pretty puffy.
I'm pretty puffy, dude.
I was puffy before the creatine.
No, but you look...
But I could tell...
I did get jacked up.
I came down here.
I didn't know what to do with myself.
Whenever I get nervous or overwhelmed, I just start lifting weights.
Where do you lift?
In your 