Name: Ep 531 - Bluesky (feat. Billy)
Uploaded: 2024-11-23T23:45:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 531 - Bluesky (feat. Billy)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 531 - Bluesky (feat. Billy)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-23. Transcript available.

Ep 531 - Bluesky (feat. Billy)

The wild, wild, Wes.
Yeah, I don't want to.
Oh, just give me the word, Sean.
Oh, that sounds like the Channing.
And so I fucked up the clap.
My bad is good.
We'll be able to identify in the in the editing room.
We should do a nonverbal episode where we always go.
Oh, primal, totally primal.
That's a better way to put it.
Yeah. Oh, primal screams.
Probably what's been happening here the last few months.
That's a black kid, man.
Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh.
Please speak on it so they don't think I'm just being a white racist.
I thought it was hilarious.
Thank you very much, bro.
No, you can't talk about it.
White comedians never speak.
Oh, that's law, bro.
Y'all are done.
It's law, Kendrick Lamar is joining The View as their sixth host.
He looks like Whoopi's fucking daughter.
Fuck.
I was literally, I was like, oh, we'll save it for the pod.
I was like, Lamar's political views line perfectly with The View.
He's like, Israel needs to defend itself.
Also, we need Kamala.
How, I mean, dude, could we get him on?
Could we get him on The View?
What would it take you to get Lamar on The View?
We could just knock out Whoopi's, fucking have Lamar's face.
Take the chair.
The shave the side of Lamar's hair and his face and he might be on there.
Oh, fuck.
That's law.
What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Secret, you know, studio perk stuff.
All right.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, he's got it, dude.
I don't know why.
When did he become like the ruler of everybody?
He sucks, dude.
Kendrick Lamar.
We have a black president.
It's Jay-Z.
Kendrick Lamar needs to stand down, dude.
No, Jay-Z started sacrificing.
No, dude, no, he'll sue you.
He will sue you.
He came at Piers Morgan's ass about that.
Fuck him and the beehive, bro.
Huh?
Fuck him and the beehive.
What?
I don't fuck with them.
Once I opened up for the DNC, shout out Lamar, I was like, dude, these people
are scumbags.
Lamar wanted a mama love.
Yeah.
Lamar cried with mama love.
Before, before I get out of here.
The tweet I heard around the world.
Before, before I get out of here.
One of the all time lamest tweets.
It wasn't that bad, dude.
It wasn't that bad, dude.
You said you had a tweet right before, before I get out of here.
Then you had another tweet after that.
Before, before I get out of here.
What was the full tweet?
I'm still tweeting now.
What was the full tweet?
Huh?
Do you remember what the tweet was?
Before I get out of here.
Well, it was before, before I get out of here.
No, it was about, oh, no.
No, it was about China won because Trump won.
Because Trump won.
Where did you get such an idea from?
You know.
He just watches wrestling in the view.
Yeah.
Dude, I didn't know wrestling fans were all liberal.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't know that either.
I thought for sure they'd be the boys.
I think, our wrestling fans.
I just think there's no in between.
Every time someone trashes me on Twitter, I click it, and it's like, yeah, it's
cartoon
wrestling.
What?
It's the same time.
There's a, it's, they're very binary.
It's either far right or far left.
Or you're a Nazi guy with Down syndrome.
Yeah.
I could see me going, I can, like a staunch feminist being a wrestling fan.
You'd be like, guys, for real, these women are strong.
Yeah.
China?
Yeah.
All of them.
Yeah.
All the divas.
Like, women are jacked and have big, huge butts.
They can do whatever they want.
I think they just do exactly what their parents do.
What do you mean?
The bros.
It's like, if you have a little more parents, you're just a drag queen, Down
syndrome kid,
or it's like, you're a fucking beast.
Oh, you're talking about people with Down syndrome.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's, no, they, those guys are making some choices.
They have a lot of choices.
They're stubborn as fuck.
They make any choice and it's over.
That's their choice.
Same here.
I'd love to see him form like a real political block.
It would be great.
It's where like politicians would have to like start pandering.
Yeah.
We're going to have wrestling again.
We are, it's a government mandate.
There will be 10 new Shreks by the year 2035.
There will be 20 new Shreks.
That'd be nice.
They'd win.
They'd get mobilized.
They would definitely want to get mobilized.
So what you want to happen, man?
House a little stinky when we walked in.
The what?
Oh, yeah.
I remember that smell.
I haven't been here.
The last time I was here was when I did Trump on Kill Tony.
It's sitting on the, in the bathroom.
I literally just took my clothes off and left.
Your clothes are sitting there?
Yeah, they're just still sitting there.
Like when a homeless person sheds their garb.
It just sits like a piece of shit.
It's literally like two bags of chips and a bottle of water on the ground.
It looks like you got evicted.
Yeah.
But I haven't been here since.
Came back in.
House smells entirely like shit.
You think so?
It's getting better now.
I had a room made that smell just like this.
Blunt guts and throw up.
Oh, yeah.
That's what it is.
You saw blunt guts?
I just smell it.
The whole back room.
He's been sitting back there smoking blunts, jacking off.
Come on, Leon.
Sounds kind of nice, actually.
I wasn't jacking off in there.
You didn't catch one?
You only beat off in that room.
There's no way you got horny in there and walked across to your room to jack
off.
I know you stayed in there at least once.
At least once.
I had to reclaim the room.
But every other time you did a boner shuffle straight to the pool house.
I had to do the bone shuffle.
Damn, so you caught one in there.
That's one thing I'm proud of.
My laptop.
I've never caught one off my laptop.
Really?
It makes you feel good.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's untainted.
Clean.
Yeah, it's a clean machine.
It's got no...
I haven't smutted my laptop out.
It's just a workhorse.
Sometimes it calls from me.
And then this little fucking bitch.
It's a rose toy.
It takes the brunt.
This poor thing.
It is our toy.
That's the picture of your kids.
Bro, that's the worst.
That's the worst.
That was on True Life, I'm Addicted to Porn.
The guy had to put in a password.
You think they'll stop you, but you're just like, yeah, I love them.
Anyway, let me...
One day they'll understand their father was a complicated man.
Right past him.
Yeah, it's no stop.
Yeah, I'll decline.
Mom phone call, jacking off, you go, decline.
Yeah, do you ever stop?
Do you ever actually stop while doing it, take the call, and the whole time you're
like,
please, just let me in bed.
I'd love to tell you I never did that.
Yeah.
Yes, I've taken some phone calls mid-beat, and then gone right back.
You've got to work it back up again.
I know.
It's actually kind of nice.
You get a second beat.
Cooks would hit me with that all the time.
He would call me at like 3.30.
I'm like, I can't talk right now.
I was like, you're jerking off.
I was like, no, I'm not.
Who would hit you with that?
Cooks.
And really?
Yeah.
Oh, it's true.
3.30 is like, yeah.
It's prime time after work.
Yeah.
If you're working at 7 to 3 like a man.
Yeah.
You're on a girl schedule, 9 to 5.
Just kidding.
Love you guys.
I love all you guys.
We're married.
Sorry, man.
We didn't mean to be sexist like that.
Yeah.
So did you get attacked online?
He cried when Trump won.
He cried.
I didn't cry.
Yeah, you did.
He did.
I played.
You saw him cry?
I didn't.
He made hot dogs.
Damn, bro.
I did not cry.
But you did make hot dogs.
I did make hot dogs.
You made some sad hot dogs?
It was post knock this hot dogs.
Did you boil them or how'd you cook them?
Of course.
Oh, you gotta boil the dog, dude.
Damn, bro.
Just boil your misery.
If Kamala would have won you, you would have hit the grill.
Oh, yeah.
You would have got the Bluetooth speaker going.
Pig's feet.
That's footlongs, dude.
Yeah.
That's grilled footlongs.
Some kielbasa's.
Kielbasa's for a kielbasa.
Kielbasa heritage.
Where is she?
Is she still like hell-bent on saving the country?
Or is she like, she's like, no, she's $20 million in debt.
After they raised a billion dollars, she probably would have been a great
president.
Is she not fighting the fight still?
I thought that's all she wanted to do.
What?
Yeah, I thought she'd be fighting the fight still.
No, they're not done.
No.
The message of joy continues.
Well, at least they got those missiles to Ukraine.
That was important.
Yeah, that was huge.
Good thing Shapiro signed them, too.
That was real huge that Shapiro did that.
Yeah, work on loving humanity domestically after we shipped those long-range
missiles to Ukraine
and blast Russians.
That was a wild move, by the way.
It really bothered me.
Yeah, that was just like, what?
What a fucking spaz.
Stop.
What a spaz.
It'd be like, okay, well, fuck that.
I don't care about money.
You know, Trump's going to end the war.
Fuck you guys.
I know.
We're going to fire everything we have.
It did feel like, kind of like, oh, yeah, you think he's a great peacemaker?
Watch this.
And it's like, you guys are nasty.
They did it with the jab, bro.
Although, dude, nothing worse than a scorned woman, dude.
Got that right.
Yeah, hell hath no fury, dude.
She might be in there, dude.
They might get rid of Biden for that.
Joe Byron.
Joe Byron.
She'll get to taste the presence.
That'd be cool if she had to taste the presence.
She had to do it for a few days.
She had to taste the presence.
Yeah.
She had the White House tour.
They said that dude Biden hates that.
It was just great.
Did you see that fucking Joe Biden voted in an all red suit?
And Trump said, yo, he hates you, Kamala.
And it's true.
Fucking Joe Biden.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Joe Biden wore the red.
She's like, she rocked all red to go vote.
Dr. Jill.
Yes.
The doctor.
Now she's officially got a doctor.
Was she?
Dr. Seuss?
Why was she wearing it all red?
I don't think, like, I don't think Byron's going to step down.
Joe Byron.
Byron's not going to let them hit 25th Amendment.
Although time traveler Trump at the end of his thing said,
be careful what you wish for.
They might hit you with that.
Byron's going to stand out.
He said that in El Paso, Texas.
Dude, there's no way.
He's definitely standing down.
No way.
Time traveler Trump said, be careful what you wish when he said that in El Paso.
You ever see, like, the, it's a book about, it was a book written in, like, the
19th century.
Yeah, The Adventures of Baron Trump or whatever.
Yeah.
He has a fucking, he's a time traveler.
I know, but what did he say in El Paso?
Oh, be careful what you wish for, because they were trying to hit Trump.
Trump with the 25th Amendment, and now Byron might get hit with it.
That was, like, four years ago.
Joe Byron.
When they.
I always forget he's the president.
Yeah, it's felt very long.
The last, like, two months, or I guess now, it's been, like, a couple weeks.
I've been, like, okay, so Trump's the president.
I'm, like, oh, yeah, because whenever someone's, like, president-elect, I'm,
like, oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I got to remember stuff like that.
Like, president-elect, you mean?
It's going to be sick.
It's not yet the president.
Blue Anon's going crazy right now.
Oh, Blue Ski.
What's up with Blue Anon?
Blue Anon, it's there.
I feel for them because I was there, and they're, like, oh, no, you don't
understand.
In two weeks, it's all going to come out.
It's, like, it's always two weeks, and nothing ever happens.
Oh, no.
Have you seen Blue Sky?
No.
What is it?
It's different than the other place.
It's Blue Ski.
The other place that we don't talk about.
I thought it was Blue Ski the first 30 times I saw it.
I was, like, what the fuck is Blue Ski?
X is the other place.
Oh, Blue Sky is live Twitter.
Blue Sky is live Twitter.
It is Blue Ski.
Can we stop?
Blue Ski, I'm sorry.
It's obviously Blue Ski.
Blue Ski.
It's crazy.
Shane came up with that juice.
That changed juice.
I actually, no, it was a genuine mistake.
That's good boomer juice, though.
I was fully, like, the hell's Blue Ski?
That's got to be so fun to go over there, though.
Dude, they're deranged.
It's crazy.
It's like seeing the opposite of me.
Why are they starting Blue Ski, dude?
Trump's-
They don'