Name: Ep 540 - Cosmic Balance
Uploaded: 2025-01-08T22:44:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 540 - Cosmic Balance' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 540 - Cosmic Balance' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-08. Transcript available.

Ep 540 - Cosmic Balance

wow wow wes wow wow here we go i can't believe you guys got a new camera hey
man dude i it's
sat i bought that months ago is it like nice it's pretty nice yeah there's
gonna be a clear picture
now for the boys crystal clear wow yeah why i got nervous too remember the old
one you still like
zoom out of nowhere yeah zoom in on my face for a full episode yeah i was
worried i was like that
thing's got that thing's taking time that's a nightmare to have it slowly zoom
on your face for
a full episode dude that was the best blows dude that was the best it was funny
too gardini just
seen it being like i think it actually zoomed in on just your head that's a
good podcast angle though
two cameras set up just maximal max face total gordon just dueling gordons
especially we got in an
argument just just our face just like actually you see the person's face the
whole time like yeah that's
what when the zoom in on my face i was like they're definitely gonna catch me
be a little
bitch like you say something to me being like oh yeah right as if as if matt it's
good to be it's
good to be back it's fantastic last time i saw you was notre dame i know i
never i was just thinking
about notre dame i mean bro it was incredible it would have been the big kick
if i made it oh that'd
been that was like so when i was i was on my way there and i hit up mcafee
because i didn't i don't
know i want to get the bros on for sure and i was like the only thing i can
think of is matt coming
out if matt kicks a field goal he'll do it you know what i mean like anybody
else would be like no
like that's like scary dude i don't know when you told me and matt just inside
i was like matt's
gonna do it and matt's gonna try his hardest and there's gonna be no there's no
pressure like he's
gonna just be like i'm gonna do my best that's exactly what i did i know i had
no i like when
i was on the flight yeah i got the text and i was like wow all right yeah i
thought about it and i
was like i'm just going to look at that ball and kick it as hard as i can you
know that that's what
it was going to be like no i didn't know it at all no i didn't know anything
about it millions of
people watching no clue until i got there and then you're like dude it's like a
big show and i was like
right on and and i just stuck to my guns i told you i told you and i did i for
real especially the moment
of kicking it i had literally i had zero nerves i you're i get so nervous on
those things i i mean
yeah i i maybe or maybe i just dissociated it that makes total sense that's why
i spazzed and talk
on saving like the fake because he was like what do you think about the game
and i was like i don't
know nick saban cheated it was just a full spaz it was so good though i mean
that i can i'd like to
explain that because that was so after i said that we had to go into the
stadium to sit at the desk
which is where he didn't he wasn't with us when i said it the first time yeah
yeah so then i got in
there and right before we go on he looks at me and he's like i heard what you
said and i was like holy
shit and then herb street and mcafee were like he's just breaking your balls
dude he loves messing
with guys like he's literally just with you and i was like oh all right i'll
with him back
we can around so then um i would have never done that if i thought he was
serious
yeah they told me he was around so i started with him and then as soon as we
get
done i tell herb street and mcafee i'm like bro he was definitely serious and
they were like no way he
was serious go talk to him so i went up to him after news like you think the
sec dominated because
we cheated that's bullshit and he like he spazzed on me were you helping him
but then so he was still
on the stage and i was on the field so after he yelled at me i had to help him
down and he like
looked around to see if anybody else could help him but i had to help him down
and yeah i felt really
bad about that he's got to be crazy too because he's how old is he i think he's
probably like 70
yeah and he's i didn't know he might be older well i didn't know too because i
saw him on the screen
i didn't know who he was and i was like damn dude you should start wearing a
hat like you look 73 yeah
i'm like you could really step into that look that hat into his couture the
whole thing next time i do
game day i'm dressing exactly like him i'm wearing the hat and then just be
like what what dude these
hats are cool you're right this is how i dress it's how guys who like sports
dress i didn't realize
that was like a legendary coach he's the number he's the greatest coach of all
time so from him to
it must be like you know you go on those shows it's like all right time to get
high-fived
at a boy and you just get dickhead shows up i mean we do rest the ones we love
though dude we do only
we only roast the ones we love it's so funny though to be a 70 year old man
just in like
the twilight of your years your legacy and then just be like dude your hat's
gay
that was you're just an agent of karma there had to be something i'm not saying
he's a bad guy but i'm
saying there's got to be just like there was some kind of equation that needed
to be balanced cosmically
and you know you were just you were there i think i think i kind of was right
though now the sec isn't
the only conference that can pay players yeah that was the other thing too it's
well known right that
like a lot of people were i yeah it's not so that's the thing i think a lot of
the coaches can
distance themselves from it be like i don't we didn't pay players i don't know
how all these guys
got dodge chargers but i didn't do it uh yeah true i don't know how everyone on
the team has chains and
cars but it's also like you know you can't like when i hear about like the
flight gate and all that
stuff i'm always like good like as a good coach you should be that's what i was
working i wish
newton was cheating yeah it'd be awesome it'd be hopefully they are newton vacated
wins because
a couple players cheated on like a summer class meanwhile the sec was like we'll
give cam newton
500 million dollars if he comes to this school yeah true i don't know man i
think him they did
something to that guy that guy got like mk answered bro he hates newton dude
him what's his bro i don't
know he's dressed he dresses like a cat i think that he literally looks like a
cartoon cat
i think he got abducted by aliens it's crazy he wears like a top hat and a bow
tie every day i feel like
my theory my theory is a house fell on him i think yeah i think a house fell on
him and he became a
witch he is a he is a real witchy he's very witchy he's huge i'm tony bro i
think he's huge i think
got either abducted by aliens and sent to the future for five like five
thousand years beyond he that dude is
yeah he's in the future he's wild he's wearing future clothes did you see the
clip of god who was it
man um corey holcomb on his show and corey holcomb just kind of like he's kind
of he like broke
something down to him i don't know what it was was about trump or this or that
i don't know what it
was but like corey holcomb kind of owned him being like dude you really believe
like kind of like
schooled him scam a lib yeah dude scam noodle yeah i guess you could tell by
the outfit yeah bro
otherwise but it was corey holcomb said i forget i wish i remember what he said
but he's like
you can't be you can't really believe that he was like why no i don't like it
was yeah you know
someone's like i never thought he's like you've clearly thought about this
before and he was like
yeah yeah and you could tell i definitely did it devastating i mean i don't
know just i was uh but it's
funny scam newton i was wrong about him though in the nfl i remember having a
very intense argument
with my college roommates being like jimmy clausen is a professional passer
from notre dame cam newton
you can't run like that in the nfl dude this guy's gonna get killed he
dominated his whole career
he was incredible he's changed the game yeah he was nasty did you see him throw
hands at one time
yes he's also terrifying so that was kind of nice we're just joking around scam
yeah scam i'll stop
calling scam cam you're the man oh it could be scram newton scram newton yeah
scrambling but yeah he
there was damn man he really like it's wild to be that old and get like into
like i mean i would
say the bleeding edge of fashion yeah it's like that's the bleeding edge of
fashion is like
borderline cross-dressing it's all for real it looks like a mary k it's crazy
it's also weird to
be that big yeah true you can't be like giant and wearing cool stuff that's
kind of looks not it's
very erotic to be threatening you see magic johnson's son i just saw a video of
him yesterday he's still
going nuts dude yeah what's the kids i mean dude oh is it a daughter now i do
you want to talk about
a balancing act of the universe imagine well dude this is no disrespect i'm
this is more of like just
kind of put yourself in someone's shoes but imagine if your dad had aids from
getting too much
pussy
i mean he got all the pussy that guy couldn't he like got like multiple
generations worth of
pussy so like you got it you got to be that gay when you come out of being his
son you know what
i mean for sure it would have been crazy if his son came out you know it's not
like diddy's son diddy's
sons are they were the apple did not fall far from the tree in the diddy family
yeah dude i'm like
fascinated by those guys that's a why he's guys he had two twin daughters just
celebrated 18 year
old their 18 year old birthday or something who did he did he has twin 18 year
old female daughters and
it's like i just what a world yeah to be a having a twin's weird enough that to
be like diddy's son
is it him or his son's rap one of them's really wrapped up played football at ucla
that could be
the wrong i could be thinking somebody else and i think snoop doggie hit hit
his strength and
conditioning coach in the head with like a kettlebell like attempted murder he's
probably just trying
to get some if i saw a guy doing jumping jackson yeah what if he gets acquitted
what if he gets acquitted
it was all made up what that would be crazy no i was right about that did he
did he attacked
a ucla football coach with a kettlebell what yeah primal you think it was a
primal on it it was
probably yeah basically a gorilla head i mean he definitely wasn't swinging
anything if you're
going to attack somebody with a kettlebell it's probably like a 15 pounder like
a 10 pounder
damn his son was pretty good it looks like really i don't know if he played
ever because his dad
attacked someone with a kettlebell i feel like that would get you off the bench
true i wish my dad
wasn't such a about you know he could have got up yeah he could have helped i
mean i was playing both
sides of the ball in seventh grade so true that was my p i peaked like i
started out at my peak of
football and was just like yeah you're travis hunter i was nice to a star seven
seven special don't
forget about special teams bro three-way yeah i mean all facets of the game you
had it did saban say
anything about me actually say we mentioned you he said he said who was that
guy who kicked that ball
i'd like to give him five hundred thousand dollars
was that the guy from the byc bulldogs i saw they're kicking the ball true i do
wish my father
had held it down like did he like that yeah man came down to elon with me the
whole year i was riding
the bench just yeah attacked our strength and conditioning coach with a kettlebell
got his ass
beat by our strength and conditioning coach yeah that i dude i'm telling you
the it's a uh
i i really love delving into like the kind of just psychosis of like fathers
and sports and coaching
it's just like it gets really it's like a dark world dude yeah it's pretty nuts
man phil held it in
pretty well that's good occasionally he would come watch practice which was a
little weird was he quiet
though he di