Name: Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Uploaded: 2025-01-15T17:07:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-15. Transcript available.

Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)

wild wild west hey how are you yes what a great start we are here wow you guys
missed an incredible
joke we uh we're here live with the ari shafir thanks guys he's got a new
special out on netflix
called america's sweetheart that's where i am i like that i don't know how you've
tricked
everybody into thinking you're some nice guy i hate it everybody's always
around me they're like
ari's great he's so nice he helps other coms i'm just sitting there just i know
he's a
devil only when the cameras are on i'll give a dollar to a open micro yeah you're
a sack
um well yeah that's exciting stuff dude thanks congratulations on the special
it's awesome
thanks i'm digging the vibes in here today very mpr-esque i think oh yeah wow
very low very
do you think we're going mpr right now i think we're going a little quiet i
like that yeah i don't mind
it how about this how about the hey say hey welcome aria hey welcome thanks shane
thanks
matt it's been a pleasure i've been listening to you guys for a long time yeah
yeah i got to check
out your special last night and wow what a special treat that was thank you
that's an honor um when
you did an interview charlie rose that was one of the greatest interviews i've
ever seen it's very
transgressive it was transgressive it was transgressive wait which what's that
word don't worry about it
gains aggressive trains oh right right transgressive yeah that'd be a sick name
for like a roller derby
player like a giant lady uh-huh transgressive transgressive it's an enforcer
yeah enforcer yeah
yeah i used to watch roller derby on tv yeah i used to think it was gonna be so
cool yeah i didn't know what to
like think about paper i thought i was like this is gonna be honestly kind of
like slam ball yeah on
the trampolines that was pretty great i thought it was gonna be incredible and
they would take a
fucking xfl trash yeah roller derby trash roller derby to me it was like in my
head for some reason i was
like oh yeah girls in the roller blades short shorts and i was like these girls
are pretty strong they're
gonna scissor i thought i was gonna get way more into it sexually and i was
like this is oh you went
into it sexual i went into it strictly for the game you went for the love of
this sounds like a cool
sport it sounded to me like a sexual thing when i was younger i was like oh
yeah roller derby time
and i'm like man these are some giant ladies yeah one chick and they just
launch her yeah that's fun
someone else like clothesline you're like the fuck why did you launch me yeah
it's nice yeah i guess
the point guard girls were kind of somebody they're all kind of yeah they're
either giant butch lesbians
or giant straight slots yeah true you know yeah what's uh yeah it was like pin-up
girls they wear
like you know what i mean they have like throwback tattoos of from yeah they
were like um what's that
word i'm looking for uh what's it betty rockabilly is that it no burlesque i'm
thinking of burlesque
yeah it's very much burlesque dancers wrestling each other yeah burlesque dance
have you ever felt
you ever gotten into that i've had to do stand-up shows at some of those and
again something i thought
i'd be into at the exactly you see the dancing you know it's the same as stand-up
the low-level ones
they're like please come free drinks yeah yeah burlesque is pretty i like yeah
the same way i'm like oh
yeah it's gonna be awesome and you're like this is this sucks i don't even want
to see these girls
do this and you're like take it all off like we don't take it all off we take
some off yeah it's
like librarians it is like showing their underwear just put your clothes back
on and go back to the
library i don't want to have some self-respect you don't have to do this why
are you doing this
does dewey decimal not pay well yeah we're anti burlesque here i don't like
that at all no stand
strongly against burlesque or against that what else is going on it is it is
tight for guys some guys do
get dragged into the burlesque world by their girlfriend they have to sit there
and be like
those all very powerful performances from all yes you guys i like the one
dressed as a devil that was
pretty cool yeah they shake their tits with tassels on them tassels in front of
other weirdos like
five weirdos in a room yeah long-haired skinny boyfriends just sitting there
and just
they always have those scarves that don't actually warm them yeah it's just
loose feathers
disgusting decorative scarf yeah something's flying right now this podcast is
flying yeah feel it we're
gonna catch something well we were doing npr vibes if you want to dude just
turn up the vial if you
turn up the dial dude if you want to jam oh i can think of it no we're still
hold on man let's let's
talk hell let loose the newest hit video game in my mind oh yeah hell let loose
i've been playing as
the nazis of course you are you were like you need a cheat code you don't get
to pick i won't be
regular show me the cheat code you don't get to pick which team they put you on
but when i do get
the nazis apartment goes yes i love it shane's like i'll just i'll work the
chambers no i'll just work
i'll sims it true do they have the chambers in the game no it's realistic bro
they didn't exist
it's a realistic game what are you laughing about it's a realistic game too
realistic that's so
fucking funny it's so funny when you talk to like old europeans about it and
they're like like we're
talking about the slovaks like they took it too and like a lot of different
people took it hard and
they're like the gypsies too and everyone's like yeah but they deserve it yeah
even the jews like no
wait did it who who in your family died in the holocaust i none of them that i
knew oh okay well yeah
obviously but yeah all my dad's greater family yeah none of his direct damn
just like cousins
and so you're like 35 of them gone your grandpa he survived grandma dad all
sisters and then one of
the grandma's brothers surviving the holocaust must have been crazy it's kind
of sus dude you think it's
i mean that's yeah that's a really evil thing to say but it's funny it's funny
talking to like
literally a genuine holocaust survivor make you survive kind of sus and they're
like what what is that
i'm just saying it's kind of weird how'd you get out of that
it's a funny joke just the word sus in holocaust survivors so funny you just
went through like
bore witness to the most horrific condition you're like shitty fucking grandsons
like that's actually
kind of sus my brother's kid started saying sus he's like yeah eight yeah my
brother was like he's so
creative and i'm like that's like a term he goes oh yeah it's like the fortnight
dance a lot of little
kids all night yeah they really do do those things like you go somewhere those
kids just busting out
the same thing the whole time yeah it's kind of actually upsetting that like
all kids now talk
exactly the same a fortnight talk it's a motherfucking bull yeah there is no
local
dialect anymore yeah philly's hold on strong that's about it philly's got it
they're losing
it you don't have it you don't have it man has it man how's it only i get mad i'm
like a latino
yeah when i get mad it comes out my passion comes out matty mcardo yeah he gets
fired dude i'm pretty
i'm pretty passionate right now i'm still off the porn i've been off the porn
since january 6.
why did you find the best one no i just i said i'm this year i'm like i'm gonna
try to go back
off and i i went off for a long time and then i went back on being because i
went back and forth
i'm like i'm not going to quit something if there's no real reason to quit it
then i went back off and
i was like i i finally had sex last night and i was like i shouldn't say
finally but i had sex
i was growing my beard in protest yeah i told britney i was like i'm not
shaving unless you look scary
you've been on a hunger stroke i've been working out thank you for noticing
yeah i've hit like i
think one eighth of my goal weight 178 i'm trying to get to thank you for
noticing that that's my goal
weight 178 yeah really i'll tell you about 100 pounds off i'm gonna get down i
promise you'll get
to 100 pounds off soon yeah when i'm dead yeah um but yeah what do you use
imagination for what to
ejaculate i try to wait were you just watching porn for the cinematography no
no no i was obviously
masturbating to it i mean i i have watched once like a couple times when i was
younger i would just
kind of like throw it up just like watch to see what i wanted to come back to
when i came home yeah
i was pretty deep into it but the uh research are you laughing at you've been
there you do it now
i still do it it's an actual problem but i just kind of was you actually look
like onk
i am monk you've become home it's it's fine i like it i kind of love it i do
too you look cute
wow what's the white wife effect it's the white wife you do it it is the white
wife effect holy
shit dude you are dressed like a old white man i am wearing a 911 shirt please
show the people
wow that is fully white new balances like jeans that's not even a 911 bro that's
not even an eagle
that what is that that ain't an eagle that's a crow that's a crying bro he's
dressed like a substitute
bus driver you don't even ask anymore you got a flat white ass i didn't lose my
ass that's actually a
soft spot all right please don't talk about the ass reparations in solidarity
with my mom you lost
your ass for real what happened i don't know pancake butt i donated it there
you get the white flapjacks
you know you like uh foot train like young chinese girls do you think
they bind to nate's ass are you wearing spanks how is it like that i just lost
this is what we
needed the podcast needed a victim we have no topic
oh my god uh you look good thank you thank you you do look good i actually i
genuinely think you look
great the sweatshirts yeah have you been since i've been back you've been much
more reserved and quiet
it's it's it's not good did you get molested did you what happened you weren't
here to protect them
i know i think you left them all killed tony crew molested my sweet boys i've
been running a train
on guard dogs don't say that don't say that they would never create ops you
haven't you've been
having i had very low confidence when i moved down here uh is it confidence i
don't think it's
confident sean said it sean said low confidence nate no confidence no conflict
no conflict yeah i think
it's flipping that's the problem i'm going from non-conflict to like i'm i
think i think i'm turning
nasty and i'm trying to you're getting nasty i'm trying to keep it in though i'm
trying not to be nasty
nate i'm trying to i don't want to be no conflict either but i was i was
happier there's no conflict but
uh but people no i want you guys i want them to have conflict yeah because i
last time i saw each
of you you were what's the word screaming screaming that's when no conflict nate
started right there oh
guard dog called him no conflict nate because they were you guys need ops and
the kill tony crew is
perfect for you guys you guys need to battle with them
that's not bad we're going to switch so why did you why did you get dragged
into conflict who wanted
more conflict in your life dog wanted conflict nate said i don't want any
conflict
but he's zandini he's the dd now wait so why does he get a cool no conflict
name and he hit you with
like a negative one he's the writer i like nasty nate though i'll be nasty nate
yeah you need to be
nasty i like you nasty yeah it's not gonna be mean they'd have never known you
angry that's what i'm
saying i've always been pretty chill shane seen it but it was years ago i've
got i know but i've still
now it comes out it was funny watching special needs guy at an open mic he wasn't
special needs
i did i did punch him he asked for it but he he probably was bipolar though but
that doesn't count
i think you can punch a bipolar you can't punch a bisexual i think he was
actually a bisexual bipol