Name: Ep 544 - Autophagy (feat. Chris O'Connor)
Uploaded: 2025-02-06T19:40:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 544 - Autophagy (feat. Chris O'Connor)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 544 - Autophagy (feat. Chris O'Connor)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-06. Transcript available.

Ep 544 - Autophagy (feat. Chris O'Connor)

The wild, wild, Wes.
Then you take them off when you get to it.
Yeah, sneakers on the beach.
Depends how hot sand is.
Sauce is hell.
We going?
We rolling?
Oh, my motherfucking God.
Christopher.
Off on the wrong foot.
Huh?
Nah, he thinks I'm mad at him for sneakers on the beach.
Sneakers on the beach is weird.
Beezer's literally the only white guy I've ever seen.
I bet.
Actually, my cousin Frank did it.
Yeah.
He wore sneakers on the beach.
All of us has one video game cousin who played video games at the beach the
whole time.
And then he'd come down at like 5 p.m. in sneakers.
And you'd be like, bro, what are you doing?
You're not coming to the arcade with me, dude.
That's the bees, dude.
Yeah, sneakers on the beach.
Are you the sneakers on the beach guy?
Yeah, a lot of, you know, because I...
That's so dumb.
How many times do you unexpectedly go to the beach?
It's not that I prefer it.
When did you surprise go to the beach?
It's not that I prefer it.
When did you surprise go to the beach?
I feel like the last time I was at the Dainian Improv, I got surprised with the
beach trip.
I didn't really know how close it was going to be to the beach.
And then I have sneakers on the beach.
Don't you take your shoes off?
I just got to get this in before you guys attack me.
I'm not yelling.
You're yelling, dude.
I'm a fucking kid.
And then I don't have sandals.
I don't, like, have sandals a lot.
Yeah, but you take your shoes off, leave them at the top, and you roll your
pant legs up,
and you walk on your bare feet in the beach.
I mean, if I'm really missing the sand and it's a partly cloudy day, I'll do it.
But if the sun's been baking and you get there kind of late...
You've got sand in your shoes for the rest of your life.
No, no.
I walk.
I have a special walk.
Dude, you...
Dude, no, for real.
If you're in hot sand, if you dig your feet under the surface sand, you can get
through.
When you go down to the beach in shoes, you're literally crushing the vibe for
every single
person enjoying the bigger...
What the fuck is this guy doing here?
It's so unwelcome.
I'd try to make up for it with my other beach activities.
You know, I get right into the surf.
I throw a ball around.
I'll do frisbee.
I'll do paddle ball.
You're good at the beach.
You're good at the beach.
Yeah, but...
Get me down to the sand that the water's hit on.
I feel like you died on this hill unnecessarily.
You'll die on every single fucking hill.
Any hill.
You name a hill.
We've seen...
I've seen him die on the sand hill before.
This is the second sand-related, hellish argument.
We can't talk sand, dude.
We cannot talk sand.
A calm man has an intense relationship with sand.
I'm just saying, not everyone who wears sneakers on the beach is an asshole.
I don't say they're an asshole.
I'm saying they're weird.
I'm saying sometimes...
If they're what?
Sometimes it's culturally acceptable to wear sneakers.
Yeah.
Black people don't like their bare feet on the ground.
That's...
You have to respect that.
Is that...
Oh, yeah, dude.
So they don't like the sand in between their toes?
Not really.
My wife doesn't like the sand.
I like...
It actually like angered me the first time she told me.
She's like, yeah.
She's like, I don't like how it gets all over me.
I was just like, what the fuck are you talking about?
Why are you ruining a good thing, dude?
Yeah, why are you ruining the best?
I love the beach.
It's my favorite thing.
She's like, I just don't...
Sand makes me...
It just feels gross on my feet.
And I'm like, what the fuck, dude?
It feels so good.
Yeah, I take my kids away.
I'm like, don't listen to me.
Trust me.
Yeah, that's...
Yeah, that's...
That's something I've seen.
I mean, it literally goes back to the socks of the water park.
Yeah.
That's why.
That's why they're there, bro.
They're not...
It's not just...
It's not like a fashion statement.
It's like a genuine phobia of just the ground.
Yeah.
Instilled with them by a paranoid black mother.
I swear to God.
How do you fellas feel about this?
You think it's because microbes...
Is it microbes getting in there?
You guys...
Socks at the water park, guys?
You think it's...
Is it germs?
Yeah.
It's germs.
It's a germ-related thing?
A little bit.
Also, some water parks are just super shitty and dirty.
Like, I've never been a socks in the water park guy,
but you ever see those, like, water socks?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, they're made just for that?
Aqua socks are pretty...
Yeah, the Aqua socks.
That's a pretty big, honky...
Yeah.
Aqua socks are definitely the honks.
That's kind of sealed on honky swag.
That is, for sure.
I don't think it's honky swag.
Aqua socks?
I don't think so.
My whole family did it.
Really?
Yeah.
I've only ever seen you guys in Jordan socks.
I believe you.
I believe you, though.
Well, I'm sorry.
Dude, I've only ever seen him in the longest tube socks ever.
For sure.
Half flapping off the foot.
Wife beaters on still.
Well, you've got to keep the beater on.
No, you don't.
It becomes see-through.
It looks fucking crazy.
It does.
It just sees your wet nipples through the fucking...
It's fucking weird.
I got no defense for it.
It just feels right.
It's immediately see-through.
So, yeah, I remember I met my...
In the waves.
In the waves.
In the white feeders nuts.
Just popping it.
Just surfacing in a wave pool.
Oh, shit.
And the bottom gets all stretched out and baggy.
You guys swim like it's the 1920s.
Everyone's in full suits.
Dude, I just...
I was figuring out that yesterday.
It's not...
It's crazy that white people made black people not be able to swim.
And then you guys make fun of us for it.
We did not make it so you can't.
You guys are blaming us for that, too?
You guys literally poured acid in the pool, dude.
When did that happen?
In the Jim Crow.
Well, there's...
Bro, one or two things happened.
That's like saying you guys make it so we can't go to gas stations.
We still go.
It's just a risk.
But why would we acid our own pools?
There was a couple times when people were tossing it in.
Some acid?
Yeah, black people got the pool and they're like,
I don't know.
It's the whites only pool.
Yeah, but that's not like...
That wasn't like a fucking common occurrence.
Yeah, there's lakes and shit, dude.
Like, we don't just swim in pools, dude.
That's a fair point, though.
But, you know, but again, it's like, I don't know.
I can't believe you tried to put not being able to swim on us.
Yeah.
Although you could.
You could.
You could with urban...
Like, being forced into a city without pools.
That's the one way you could do it.
Yeah.
I'll take it.
That actually...
I mean, you could if you wanted to find the root of all your problems with
white people.
You could.
There is an argument.
But swimming, come on, man.
Yeah.
Still take the ferry.
Ferry's not that expensive.
Take the ferry?
Yeah.
To what?
Like in New York, you take the subway.
You take the subway all the way to Coney Island.
Oh, you're saying to the beach.
I was just talking like pools.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's tough.
I thought you were saying instead of black people swimming, they could take ferries.
I was like, well, yeah, I'm sure.
Yeah, of course.
I'm sure they've adopted the technology.
No, they can travel.
It's pretty close.
Get the breeze in here.
There's probably some sand on there.
Well, goddamn, I'm, you know, I don't want to tread into kind of divisive
racial.
Yeah.
Matt, why don't you tell us what's going on with you?
Dude.
Because you got to be talking about.
You got to be can't wait to talk about it.
First of all, before I get to my 60 relative, about 64 hour fast.
It's the cat who swallowed the canary.
He's ready to talk.
Speaking of, well, speaking of semi-related to cats, did you, I just found this
out today.
Do you know rats can't fart?
No, I never would have.
Rats cannot fart.
We had an exterminator come to our house today, just routine treatment.
And I told him about the cotton rats that invaded my garden.
And he was like, oh, man, that sucks.
And he came back with a bag of, it was like baking soda, apparently.
And it's like an attractant, some other kind of food.
And he was like, dude, put this in your, the back thing of the garden.
He's like, it's non-toxic.
It's kind of like a million dollar idea.
I feel like the guy should patent it.
I don't know if other people do this, but it's rat poison.
But instead of being like an actually poisonous substance, it's baking soda.
But it takes advantage of the fact that rats can't fart.
So they eat baking soda.
They just get filled with gas.
And since they can't fart, they explode.
Like literally, like a pigeon.
Like a seagull.
But that's Alka-Seltzer.
But yeah, rats can't.
And then you're like, he's like, the only thing is you might catch a rat with
like it's side
blown out running across your grass.
Oh, man.
Oh, my God.
I would have never guessed that.
Me either.
You'd think they'd be able to.
You think they'd fart the most.
Yeah.
So how could, if you can poop, you can fart.
But that's what you think.
Right?
They can only shit, dude.
They can only shit.
Farts are just an air poop.
They're probably peeing while they're pooping.
You Googled it after the guy said anything?
I didn't even Google it.
Dude, he's a fucking expert.
I believe it.
That's what the man does.
Chris bought me with the, if you can poop, you can fart idea.
You can't.
That's the thing.
That's a huge, that's like an opposable thumb.
It's really just.
Rats cannot fart.
Yes, rats can fart.
What?
According to AI, rats can fart.
Fuck AI, dude.
That sounds like it's.
If you can pass a turd, you can pass a fart.
One year ago, today I learned that rats can fart.
Mice don't fart.
Hmm, okay.
So maybe he's thinking what I showed him is actually technically a mouse.
Why?
That's tricky, dude.
Why can't they fart?
So rats can fart, not mice.
Yes, rats can pass gas.
In fact, rats produce the most intestinal gas when fed dried skim milk.
What?
Get some milk going out there.
Let the boys turn your garden into a fucking fart there.
Well, here's the thing.
This is the, the cotton rat looks more like a mouse than anything else.
So maybe he like ID'd the species I gave him and was going, oh, that's like
more of a,
that's technically a mouse they refer to colloquially.
Yeah, that looks like a mouse to me.
Cotton rat.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Nice coat on.
He's got a nice coat on it.
I can see maybe the baking soda expands quickly in the stomach or something and
blows him up.
Yeah.
Okay.
So we, you know, it doesn't get to the fart part.
I'm sorry to spread misinfo.
Rats can fart, mice cannot.
I believed you until Chris with the poop, but.
And then it's still mice poop.
So.
Exactly.
Mice poop too.
So mice.
So mice can, a rat, a rat evolved from the mouse.
And they were, they literally were like, that was.
It's time to fart.
Yeah, it's time to fart.
I'm sick of blowing the fuck up all the time out of nowhere thinking I'm just
eating something
yummy.
Good for them.
But yeah, dude.
And that way if your dog, my dog already got into rat poison once.
So that way he, if my dog ate that baking soda mixture.
He's got a farting dog.
He's going to fart it out.
He's got a farting dog.
It was Jackson already.
He was a farting dog.
He's already heavily farting.
How much worse could he get?
Exactly.
So, so yeah, I thought that was interesting.
That's extremely interesting.
So there we go.
Mice can't fart.
Rats can.
It's crazy.
Is there a reason why?
Is there anything about why they can't fart?
How could you not be able to fart?
Probably because they're teeny tiny buttholes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Who knows?
Rat has just a big enough butthole to blow out a fart.
How come mice can't fart?
Yeah, it's true.
But you'd think even just a mouse-sized poop of a fart.
I know, dude.
It's just got to be the way their bodies just can't.
Mice can fart.
What?
Yeah.
Shauna said they can't.
Yeah.
We got to get our facts right here.
The misconception that mice can't fart likely stems from the idea is that they
can't burp or vomit to release gas,