Name: James Donald Forbes McCann | HEY AMERICA | Stand Up Comedy
Uploaded: 2025-02-17T19:55:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'James Donald Forbes McCann | HEY AMERICA | Stand Up Comedy' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'James Donald Forbes McCann | HEY AMERICA | Stand Up Comedy' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-17. Transcript available.

I had an existential crisis at the basketball.
I went to go and watch the San Antonio Spurs.
That's what they deserve, is two quiet woos and a single clap.
You're not having a great season.
But I went and I had a beautiful time.
I turn up, I think, just as tourist experience,
just to see how it is.
Then the flag comes out.
And the flag is the size of the whole basketball court.
And then the anthem begins.
And I went full Manchurian candidate.
My hat came off, my hand went up here.
I just locked eyes at the flag.
Just me staring, transfixed at the flag
at the San Antonio Spurs game,
surrounded by 18,000 morbidly obese Hispanics.
Just feeling, feeling that flag and that song pulse through.
Oh, shit!
It was good.
You don't sing your own anthem.
I found that very weird.
You silently listen to somebody else.
You know, we've paid a lady to do it.
We're going to listen to the way she does the anthem.
We're not going to waste our energy on singing our own anthem,
which is frankly quite hard to sing and requires a professional singer.
And you can't even sing along if you want,
because she's doing all the funky stuff with the anthem.
You can't even sing along if you want, but you can't even sing along if you
want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
It's embarrassing.
Let's show.
Do any of the Americans know our anthem?
No.
You don't pay any attention to the rest of the world and it's bizarre.
You're running the show and you couldn't give a fuck.
You're invading places you've never even heard of before.
We had our boys die in the sands of Iraq and Afghanistan.
What anthem?
Come on.
Australians all let us rejoice for we are young and free.
With gold and soil and wealth for toil.
It just keeps going like this.
When we win at the Olympics it's very embarrassing
because other people have to hear our anthem.
We've got to change it to Thunderstruck as quickly as possible.
That's what I do believe.
That would be so sick.
That would be so nice if we win the gold medal
and our girls up there for the diving on the number one platform
and the flag comes down and everyone starts going
.
Then we'll have a little self-confidence.
Then we'll get some nuclear weapons.
Then we'll be a real country.
That's what I'd like to see.
That's what I do believe is humanly possible for my country.
It's a good country.
You should be proud of it.
It's an equal country America.
It's very equal.
Black, white, Asian, Mexican.
Everybody's homeless.
Everybody.
The sheer numbers are a problem.
But you've got the spread.
It's not like that elsewhere.
I want you to know if you travel, they don't have free-range homeless people
the way that you have.
They have a small number of homeless people and the police chase them away with
sticks from the concentrated areas.
In America, you could be the richest man in America walking down Madison Avenue.
There's a guy there threatening to eat your wife.
And that's freedom.
You've got to be free and brave.
If you're going to be that free, you've got to be pretty brave.
This is a land of opportunity and that opportunity is to do heroin under a
bridge.
You have human trolls living in Austin.
You are troll people.
They're living under bridges.
They're violent.
They're talking riddles.
And their riddles are not especially difficult to answer.
They'll be like, what are you looking at?
And you go, oh, I was looking at you.
You're a 75-year-old woman with her tits out calling me a .
I was 100% looking at you.
I can't look at anything else.
I look at the stars.
I look at the trees.
I still see her burnt into the back of my brain.
What are you to do?
What is the answer to the homelessness crisis in America?
You just had a huge election.
People didn't bring it up once.
Anyone could have run on that.
Anyone could have stood up and said, I'm going to fix the homelessness thing.
They would have won that election.
And they were, we got nothing.
We got nothing.
We can't build them all houses.
We can't kill them dead in the street.
So I don't know what we can do.
Is there a third option?
I don't know.
You get lots of beautiful opportunities for charity.
I've started doing what you do.
I've gradually started.
When I first got to this country, I was treating homeless people like they were
human beings.
Because I didn't know you weren't, I didn't know you weren't meant to do that.
And now slowly, I learn your ways.
You got to look through them like they're made of mist.
Like they're human mist people.
You don't want to look at them.
You don't want to look away.
You just keep moving.
And yet, you have tremendous homelessness people.
You know what I'm talking about, California.
You've seen a lot of it.
You got great homeless people.
Our homeless people, they're over there.
They're sad.
They're quiet.
They're in a corner.
They're tired.
Your homeless people, up and about.
Doing things.
Getting involved.
They've got a story.
They've got a plan.
They've got some reasons why they're homeless.
That they're going to share with you right now.
They've got a light behind their eyes.
And that's beautiful.
And I know that's the crack.
But still, you've got to, the crack is where the light gets in.
You've got to, you've got to, you've got to stay positive in this country.
You've got to have a good attitude.
Boy, if you don't have a good attitude, you've got nothing.
There's a, I think he's, I don't know if he's homeless or just schizophrenic.
But a couple blocks from here, there is a guy who raps at a Whataburger for
like eight hours a day.
He's rapping at an okay Texas burger chain.
Through traffic.
Microphone plugged into nothing.
There's no amplification.
He's just going straight.
If he didn't have the microphone, it may be a seizure.
But he's working hard.
Any other country in the world, that man would be doomed.
He'd have no hope whatsoever.
But in America, today, he's rapping at a Whataburger.
Next week, he's rapping at an olive garden.
Who knows?
He's going places.
He's doing things.
You've got to have a good attitude or you are just.
I didn't understand why you banned Catcher in the Rye.
Have you read Catcher in the Rye?
Right.
And they banned it.
And I read it.
I was like, ooh, juicy.
Strange book.
In Psycho, you go, oh, I know why this got banned.
It's because it's about a businessman who murders people and it makes everyone
very unhappy.
And then you read Catcher in the Rye and it's just, he's a sad guy.
He's got a bad attitude.
And he's in New York and he thinks about fucking a prostitute.
And then he goes, nah, I'm not going to do that.
And then he gets pneumonia and the book is over.
Did I miss a subtext or something in this book that had to.
It's just that he had a bad attitude.
And if you have a bad attitude in this country, you are fucked.
If you work at Denny's and you have a bad attitude, you can't live.
If you've got a good attitude and big tits and you work at Denny's, you can
pull home a thousand dollars a week.
If you can smile, you can bring razzle dazzle.
They had to ban Catcher in the Rye.
That's what your whole economy and culture is built on is self-belief.
I'm glad Kurt Cobain is dead.
He was dragging this country backwards.
These are my opinions.
You don't have to go along with them.
You don't have to be happy about it.
I'm just saying you're all much more comfortable with Dave Grohl.
Smiling Dave Grohl.
Jovial Dave Grohl.
Doesn't write very many good songs, Dave Grohl.
But he's high spirited.
I have struggled to keep a good attitude sometimes in this country because
everybody's trying to fuck you all the time.
Not fuck you in a pleasurable way.
That's one of your parlance.
Trying to fuck you over, I guess, is the other thing.
Like you'll be driving along and you'll hit a toll road.
And you'll go, can I get off the toll road?
And they'll go, no.
You're ours now.
You belong on the toll road.
You're going to get a letter in the mail.
It's going to be $8.
You're not going to pay it back.
It's going to be $85 in a couple of weeks.
They're always trying to get you.
You go and you buy a plane ticket.
And they go, did you want to buy a credit card?
No.
At the end of buying a plane ticket, they go, are you sure you didn't want to
buy a credit card?
I go, this is really not what I had in mind when I was going to Cleveland.
Then you're on the plane to Cleveland.
And after the drinks, there's a lady who walks down, did anyone miss out on
getting one of our credit cards that they wanted?
No!
The airlines in this country really compromise the American dream.
They're awful.
Every other country in the world, you want to buy a plane ticket?
Here's what they do.
They figure out how many seats there are on the plane.
And then they sell up to that many tickets.
And then they stop.
It's a wonderful system.
It works really well.
In America, they go, there's 150 tickets, 150 seats on this plane.
What if we sell 151?
And then maybe one guy won't show up and we will still have his money.
Oh no, he did show up.
I cannot believe this has happened again.
As it has happened every single day at every single airport in the United
States of America.
We have no choice but to conduct a human auction.
I thought we will finish with human auctions in America, but here at Southwest
Airlines, they are back.
And then I have to play a mini game when they do the human auction.
And that's called, am I the poorest person who was going to get on that plane?
And the answer is yes, every single time.
I should wait for more money.
But they go, anyone not getting on for $75?
I go, whoa, yeah.
I don't need to get to Cleveland that fast.
It's a great city.
When I came to this country, I had nothing a year ago.
I had no social security number, no bank account, I had no car, I had no job.
I had three months on a house in Steubenville, Ohio, which is great.
It's great.
It's really...
No, it is.
I don't know how to put it into words.
It's beautiful and there are more street prostitutes than you can...
Imagine.
It's not hot either.
It's not...
It's sad.
The bleak mid-winter mid-western street prostitute is...
I thought they'd have like little skirts on.
It's just a 50-year-old woman angry, waving at...
Do you want sex?
I'll give you sex!
Money!
Sex!
And you go, I got to see Pimpin.
I thought Pimpin would have a big hat and he'd be walking around like this.
It's just a lady's brother.
It's just a lady's brother pushing her into a small car.
And it doesn't look especially difficult, Pimpin.
I find...
Sort of bring a dampener to the evening, but...
All the rappers is talking about how Pimpin doesn't look easy.
It looks so...
You don't need to go to university to pimp.
Anybody can pimp.
Pimpin ain't easy.
It's just big pimp having good PR.
Keep us out of the pimp game.
Seriously, I've seen it.
I've enjoyed the beautiful underclass of America.
I got on the Greyhound bus.
Has anyone never been on a Greyhound bus before?
We've all done it?
You haven't done it?
Well, you shouldn't be allowed to vote.
Because...
You don't know where it's at.
Let me tell you.
It's the worst place in the world.
The Greyhound bus terminal is the worst place in the world.
There are children in Gaza right now going,
"Well, we're not in a Greyhound bus terminal."
So...
You know, you've got to look on the sunny side where you can.
Man!
There's holes in the walls where vending machines used to be
back when you could trust people.
People are spitting on the ground.
There's shit on the walls.
Young Sheldon is playing at full volume on a television.
I don't know why that was the most upsetting part of the whole thing.
I got on the bus.
I was sitting next to a man who was on speed.
And I knew that because he opened with, "I'm on speed!"
You know?
And then he just proceeded to tell me about how Chris Benoit
called his family to send them to God and you can't judge a man for that.
The restrooms were labelled ladies and gentlemen,
which was hugely inaccurate.
Scoundrels and whores would have been closing the mark.
I do believe.
I'm weirded out by the restrooms.
I don't know why you call them restrooms.
The shits I've been having on your diet have not been especially restful.
It's an emergency or a tragedy.
I thought I had bowel cancer when I moved to this country.
And got on your diet.
And then there is a weird, you've got a weird thing in the toilets
where in the public toilets there is a bit of the seat missing.
You don't know what I'm talking about?
You're looking up at me with such splendid incredulity.
Have you never noticed that public toilet seats are different to the domestic
variety?
Think about it.
Think about it.
Think about it.
How are they different?
You've been here your whole life.
There's a chunk missing, brother.
The front of the seat's not there.
This has never bothered you?
I spent months going...
Why?
Why?
Is it a hospitality thing?
People are like, the front of that seat is for friends and family only.
We don't trust members of the public with the front of the seat.
I couldn't get it.
I thought it was like a men's room thing so that we didn't piss down the front
of the seat.
And then I found out in the women's toilets when I went to take my photographs
that also, you're also missing a bit down the front of the seat.
Does anybody know why?
Well, something should be done to find out why.
I did find out why.
I kept talking about it on stage until somebody told me why.
It's because you're too fat.
It's because you're too fat.
So a toilet seat in public has to sustain a weight of at least 600 pounds.
A circle will snap and a U will bend.
So they...
Don't groan. It's your country. Do something about it.
Listen, in my country, I'm very fat.
I'm a seriously fat man in my country.
In your country, I look fine.
State by state, I'm looking okay in America.
That's the diet I got on.
You've got a real fat chunkster type issue going on.
You've got fat people infrastructure.
I've been going to the Walmart and riding around on the fat people scooters.
I have a good time.
That is beautifully American is you don't solve a problem.
You find a workaround and you keep going, you know?
People are too fat to consume.
Are we going to help them lose some weight?
No, we're going to buy a machine.
We're going to buy a big machine that makes a noise and makes it hard for
everyone else to get around.
So all the big Debbies can go and get their little Debbies and we'll just keep
on trucking.
It's all the time.
We've got too many homeless people.
Can we give them a home?
Nah, we'll give them fentanyl.
We'll give them all fentanyl and they'll sort it out amongst themselves.
I love, I do enjoy the supermarket.
I go to the shops a lot.
I go to, we call them shops.
The store.
I go to the store.
I go to buy eggs.
And there's one complaint, which is when you take your eggs to the self-serve
checkout.
It doesn't really matter if it's eggs.
It can be anything.
For me, it's eggs.
And I'm going to buy the eggs.
And then they go, did you want to give us an extra dollar to help save the bees?
No.
Not at all do I want to do that.
You're a multi-million dollar supermarket corporation.
And I am buying the cheapest eggs.
I'm not buying the fancy free range eggs where the chickens get massages and to
sing opera.
I'm buying Guantanamo Bay eggs.
And you have the audacity to ask me to cough up an extra dollar for a whole
different animal
that's not even involved in the egg process.
And I pay it every time I give them the extra dollar to save the bees.
Because I've got an ex-girlfriend who's allergic.
And I love knowing that the bees are out there.
Wrecking her picnics forever.
Wrecking her picnics forever.
So, let's go.
you

James Donald Forbes McCann | HEY AMERICA | Stand Up Comedy

I had an existential crisis at the basketball.
I went to go and watch the San Antonio Spurs.
That's what they deserve, is two quiet woos and a single clap.
You're not having a great season.
But I went and I had a beautiful time.
I turn up, I think, just as tourist experience,
just to see how it is.
Then the flag comes out.
And the flag is the size of the whole basketball court.
And then the anthem begins.
And I went full Manchurian candidate.
My hat came off, my hand went up here.
I just locked eyes at the flag.
Just me staring, transfixed at the flag
at the San Antonio Spurs game,
surrounded by 18,000 morbidly obese Hispanics.
Just feeling, feeling that flag and that song pulse through.
Oh, shit!
It was good.
You don't sing your own anthem.
I found that very weird.
You silently listen to somebody else.
You know, we've paid a lady to do it.
We're going to listen to the way she does the anthem.
We're not going to waste our energy on singing our own anthem,
which is frankly quite hard to sing and requires a professional singer.
And you can't even sing along if you want,
because she's doing all the funky stuff with the anthem.
You can't even sing along if you want, but you can't even sing along if you
want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't even sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
You can't sing along if you want.
It's embarrassing.
Let's show.
Do any of the Americans know our anthem?
No.
You don't pay any attention to the rest of the world and it's bizarre.
You're running the show and you couldn't give a fuck.
You're invading places you've never even heard of before.
We had our boys die in the sands of Iraq and Afghanistan.
What anthem?
Come on.
Australians all let us rejoice for we are young and free.
With gold and soil and wealth for toil.
It just keeps going like this.
When we win at the Olympics it's very embarrassing
because other people have to hear our anthem.
We've got to change it to Thunderstruck as quickly as possible.
That's what I do believe.
That would be so sick.
That would be so nice if we win the gold medal
and our girls up there for the diving on the number one platform
and the flag comes down and everyone starts going
.
Then we'll have a little self-confidence.
Then we'll get some nuclear weapons.
Then we'll be a real country.
That's what I'd like to see.
That's what I do believe is humanly possible for my country.
It's a good country.
You should be proud of it.
It's an equal country America.
It's very equal.
Black, white, Asian, Mexican.
Everybody's homeless.
Everybody.
The sheer numbers are a problem.
But you've got the spread.
It's not like that elsewhere.
I want you to know if you travel, they don't have free-range homeless people
the way that you have.
They have a small number of homeless people and the police chase them away with
sticks from the concentrated areas.
In America, you could be the richest man in America walking down Madison Avenue.
There's a guy there threatening to eat your wife.
And that's freedom.
You've got to be free and brave.
If you're going to be that free, you've got to be pretty brave.
This is a land of opportunity and that opportunity is to do heroin under a
bridge.
You have human trolls living in Austin.
You are troll people.
They're living under bridges.
They're violent.
They're talking riddles.
And their riddles are not especially difficult to answer.
They'll be like, what are you looking at?
And you go, oh, I was looking at you.
You're a 75-year-old woman with her tits out calling me a .
I was 100% looking at you.
I can't look at anything else.
I look at the stars.
I look at the trees.
I still see her burnt into the back of my brain.
What are you to do?
What is the answer to the homelessness crisis in America?
You just had a huge election.
People didn't bring it up once.
Anyone could have run on that.
Anyone could have stood up and said, I'm going to fix the homelessness thing.
They would have won that election.
And they were, we got nothing.
We got nothing.
We can't build them all houses.
We can't kill them dead in the street.
So I don't know what we can do.
Is there a third option?
I don't know.
You get lots of beautiful opportunities for charity.
I've started doing what you do.
I've gradually started.
When I first got to this country, I was treating homeless people like they were
human beings.
Because I didn't know you weren't, I didn't know you weren't meant to do that.
And now slowly, I learn your ways.
You got to look through them like they're made of mist.
Like they're human mist people.
You don't want to look at them.
You don't want to look away.
You just keep moving.
And yet, you have tremendous homelessness people.
You know what I'm talking about, California.
You've seen a lot of it.
You got great homeless people.
Our homeless people, they're over there.
They're sad.
They're quiet.
They're in a corner.
They're tired.
Your homeless people, up and about.
Doing things.
Getting involved.
They've got a story.
They've got a plan.
They've got some reasons why they're homeless.
That they're going to share with you right now.
They've got a light behind their eyes.
And that's beautiful.
And I know that's the crack.
But still, you've got to, the crack is where the light gets in.
You've got to, you've got to, you've got to stay positive in this country.
You've got to have a good attitude.
Boy, if you don't have a good attitude, you've got nothing.
There's a, I think he's, I don't know if he's homeless or just schizophrenic.
But a couple blocks from here, there is a guy who raps at a Whataburger for
like eight hours a day.
He's rapping at an okay Texas burger chain.
Through traffic.
Microphone plugged into nothing.
There's no amplification.
He's just going straight.
If he didn't have the microphone, it may be a seizure.
But he's working hard.
Any other country in the world, that man would be doomed.
He'd have no hope whatsoever.
But in America, today, he's rapping at a Whataburger.
Next week, he's rapping at an olive garden.
Who knows?
He's going places.
He's doing things.
You've got to have a good attitude or you are just.
I didn't understand why you banned Catcher in the Rye.
Have you read Catcher in the Rye?
Right.
And they banned it.
And I read it.
I was like, ooh, juicy.
Strange book.
In Psycho, you go, oh, I know why this got banned.
It's because it's about a businessman who murders people and it makes everyone
very unhappy.
And then you read Catcher in the Rye and it's just, he's a sad guy.
He's got a bad attitude.
And he's in New York and he thinks about fucking a prostitute.
And then he goes, nah, I'm not going to do that.
And then he gets pneumonia and the book is over.
Did I miss a subtext or something in this book that had to.
It's just that he had a bad attitude.
And if you have a bad attitude in this country, you are fucked.
If you work at Denny's and you have a bad attitude, you can't live.
If you've got a good attitude and big tits and you work at Denny's, you can
pull home a thousand dollars a week.
If you can smile, you can bring razzle dazzle.
They had to ban Catcher in the Rye.
That's what your whole economy and culture is built on is self-belief.
I'm glad Kurt Cobain is dead.
He was dragging this country backwards.
These are my opinions.
You don't have to go along with them.
You don't have to be happy about it.
I'm just saying you're all much more comfortable with Dave Grohl.
Smiling Dave Grohl.
Jovial Dave Grohl.
Doesn't write very many good songs, Dave Grohl.
But he's high spirited.
I have struggled to keep a good attitude sometimes in this country because
everybody's trying to fuck you all the time.
Not fuck you in a pleasurable way.
That's one of your parlance.
Trying to fuck you over, I guess, is the other thing.
Like you'll be driving along and you'll hit a toll road.
And you'll go, can I get off the toll road?
And they'll go, no.
You're ours now.
You belong on the toll road.
You're going to get a letter in the mail.
It's going to be $8.
You're not going to pay it back.
It's going to be $85 in a couple of weeks.
They're always trying to get you.
You go and you buy a plane ticket.
And they go, did you want to buy a credit card?
No.
At the end of buying a plane ticket, they go, are you sure you didn't want to
buy a credit card?
I go, this is really not what I had in mind when I was going to Cleveland.
Then you're on the plane to Cleveland.
And after the drinks, there's a lady who walks down, did anyone miss out on
getting one of our credit cards that they wanted?
No!
The airlines in this country really compromise the American dream.
They're awful.
Every other country in the world, you want to buy a plane ticket?
Here's what they do.
They figure out how many seats there are on the plane.
And then they sell up to that many tickets.
And then they stop.
It's a wonderful system.
It works really well.
In America, they go, there's 150 tickets, 150 seats on this plane.
What if we sell 151?
And then maybe one guy won't show up and we will still have his money.
Oh no, he did show up.
I cannot believe this has happened again.
As it has happened every single day at every single airport in the United
States of America.
We have no choice but to conduct a human auction.
I thought we will finish with human auctions in America, but here at Southwest
Airlines, they are back.
And then I have to play a mini game when they do the human auction.
And that's called, am I the poorest person who was going to get on that plane?
And the answer is yes, every single time.
I should wait for more money.
But they go, anyone not getting on for $75?
I go, whoa, yeah.
I don't need to get to Cleveland that fast.
It's a great city.
When I came to this country, I had nothing a year ago.
I had no social security number, no bank account, I had no car, I had no job.
I had three months on a house in Steubenville, Ohio, which is great.
It's great.
It's really...
No, it is.
I don't