Name: Ep 549 - White Elmo (feat. Big Jay Oakerson)
Uploaded: 2025-03-07T12:00:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 549 - White Elmo (feat. Big Jay Oakerson)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 549 - White Elmo (feat. Big Jay Oakerson)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-07. Transcript available.

Ep 549 - White Elmo (feat. Big Jay Oakerson)

the wild wild west the water does smell a certain way what a certain smell yeah
i think i haven't
tried one yet but i have hey you haven't tried it yet but i have three i can't
use rogan's
rogan's studio has them they have the heated toilet seats and shit yeah the
ones i got have
that so nice but i've never used it and i'm still nervous because the place i
got i can't use wipes
you can't put them in the septic tank yeah so like i got bidets but still
nervous everyone says it's
great it's the best you never you haven't moved in yet never used one ever now
but also the places
they tell me they had gas digital adam i know that's the first place i ever
used when people
say that that's always the funniest thing to me they go do they have it against
did you haven't
used it a gas digital like no i've never right next to the studio well it was
always it was always because
you do real ass podcast it's at 11 a.m sure for me that's early i wake up at
like nine
and i was always late so you got to get that morning dump when you get to the
studio
and then bidet and then you go i've never tried this it's this button it's
clutch at the mothership
god damn it was it awesome you can't believe the accuracy so why don't you know
it's gonna hit me
it does start every time no matter what i go oh when it first gets me i just
jump a little and go oh
it's a nice trip bobby kelly described it he goes you're waiting for which i
understand what he's
saying you're lining it up with the remote control until you hear like to go
from like
when your starts accepting it yeah yeah it's pretty nice listen i'm excited to
try it i just
i don't i still don't fully get it it's just water i see the concept but how
could it be strong
enough that you're really getting that clean oh it's it's strong bro dude if
you moved it would go
like seven feet in the air really yeah i would say about official gauge about a
super circle 50.
yeah oh okay 25 25 25 25 25. my bad i'd say 25 50. come on man we're trying to
catch a lawsuit yeah 25.
50 is crazy so yeah the yellow on the top of the yellow and green one yeah true
the basic one
yeah toys r us basic but no it hits you man i would advise you to start cold
warm's kind of indulgent
warm's borderline sexual warm sexual warm water hitting you is like you might
as well fap
it's kind of sexual so start cold matt you couldn't be closer to the truth it's
real sexual i don't know
if i would choose cold water to go up there if there's a hot a warm water
option you're getting
more warm bro you're end up everyone ends up warm everyone goes warm i don't
know why it's making
me cry it's very funny i think on the yeah i'm still a white sky on the road i
just can't believe
that most of the time just paper for you just raw dog yeah i did that for a
very long time until
people enough people were just like what are you doing yeah i gotta get the
wipes and they're
peanut butter around your ass they tell you it's it'll your up but only if you
have
well here's a couple things going on there was no signs here when you moved in
no that said don't
put wipes in the toilet fire away also i run through those things and then just
don't go back to the
store wow so i'll get i get like once a month old and then lemare had a pack in
the back he was
planning to is your lady not a good uh house organizer to sense like one thing
no not one bit
one thing about christine i gotta give her always is you just go running low on
wipes and then like
an amazon thing of 20 packs of wipes show up awesome yeah we have the uh that
can work against me though
because i'm like yeah we need to get garlic powder did you add it to the
grocery list and i'm like shut
the up yeah you do the grocery list i mean it is a great system yeah jay don't
come in here with
girlfriend bragging like that do not do not make me make fun of my girlfriend
it was more assistant
it was more of the assistant skills yeah that was a girlfriend brag and now i
had to put my girlfriend
down with her lack of skills skills it's it's there yeah you you get my baby
didn't have those house
skills it took a while yeah you had to learn how to use like different parts of
the iphone notes
the notes app a lot to that thing man i take notes take notes sometimes if gardini
says
something funny when he's drunk i write it down and then send it to him the
next morning go remember
when you said this someday everyone will know i'm right it's 2 30 in the
morning on a thursday
that's a gardini guarantee that is a good guarantee you know it's a fun thing
you ever go i've written
several things i don't do it in years which is why it's still sort of fun
because they're so from so
long ago but my phone notes when i had intentions of like oh yeah like this is
a funny concept i got
it and whatever the keywords you write those you see a thing it's like yeah it's
like gay pizza
yeah the fuck does that even mean like those keywords would drive me to like
when i got back
home like all right now what was my thing with gay peace yeah before the show
you're like i don't
have any material let's go back into the okay ah gay pizza gay pizza yeah it
sounds as bad as when
somebody walks up to you and does like the you know if someone else would use
gay pizza can you do
something with that i got a premise for you gay pizza yeah i always think i'm
like i'm gonna go back
there one day and there's gonna be something i wrote a long time ago and i'm
gonna go oh my god this is
genius and i just look at him like i'm a dumb ass i'm one of the dumbest most
of it repeats seven
times i'm like yeah i've written this down five times i still don't know what
it is rape comma
sometimes fun question mark oh 3 30 in the morning on a wednesday yeah good
work good was i 2019 shane
good job but yeah they're never fucking there's never something where i feel
like i could go back and go
oh yeah let me expound upon that never once nope nope nope nope nope never
although i have lost some
great ones man right before bed i go i'll definitely remember that i wake up
and go oh it was so good
nothing it would have changed everything yeah long drive in a car say it over
and over to myself three or
four times and then like you get next day exactly you're like i was something
about something yeah long
driving a car i go this is gonna be good i'm gonna get some material out of
this just rap
for three straight hours i didn't have one thought the entire drive we got the
premise
dude i started smoking weed again in hopes of like it'll jar some new ideas it's
the same thing i just
got like confused in the grocery store and i was just like this is not we both
had nice groceries we
did we both had a whole foods day same time yeah dude i i was getting let out
personally i got i got very
high and listened to led zeppelin in the grocery store and it was i mean led zeppelin
was way better
than i remembered it i was like i think i'm over this i'm almost 40 now that
was like stuff when i was
a kid dude i was listening to led zeppelin too i was like this is might be the
greatest you put me
back on you were like i let the lead out i said i gotta let it out dude it was
crazy rocks i for real
i am not lying i was walking towards the cheese aisle the grocery store and at
one point like they hit the
drums i almost went and like kicked i almost i was up i was playing dude i was
over on stage i almost
fucking kicked and signaled the drummer yeah my whole foods experience was much
like my experience
at the mall i literally i was like i'm gonna go to the grocery store i got
there i was like i don't
even know what i want you said i don't even want it i got chicken and bacon and
eggs and left well that
is why i spent thirty dollars and yeah do you scan every aisle like you start
produce dude i walked around
you're not a weed it's a big thing being yeah if you could smoke weed and go to
the store you start
thinking uh ahead more yeah you're planning ahead yeah true you're like i'm
definitely gonna want
fluff at some point i don't want to fluff because i've never bought it ever but
like you should have it
i did it just every aisle four times i just walked i do like the outskirts
usually then i just started
hitting every aisle while i was jamming and then like it'd be like oh yeah i'm
gonna need an onion
now to go all the way back to the other side get an onion you're gonna need
that onion the things i
end up like hoarding because i don't realize we have them you buy them too much
are great like
probably like four different kinds of pickles in my refrigerator yeah no meat
but four different
jars of pickles that have been like opened at different times yeah well listen
you need
stackers and you need spears but after that you start just getting gluttonous
fuck i forgot the spears i forgot the spears the dill spears i gotta head back
to the store
hey bitch are these bread and butter chips because i said pickles i dude i will
say i think i i don't
think it's any good but i i just smoked weed all weekend being like i gotta
come up with something
funny and then i went i actually went to a gala last weekend it was britney
planned it months and months
ago and i i got very high and went to that and it was uh the only thing i keep
where people are
talking about school like yeah i started school in september but i was like
held back because i
wanted to be the older person in the class and i got your adults saying yeah we're
just talking about
like getting like if you got held back and i was like i just like mother to
britney i was like i got
held back in the fourth grade because my dick was too big i laughed for 30
minutes write it down dick too
big for fourth grade notes she was like that'll come in handy in eight months
she's like why would you
get held back i was like dude you're ruining it dude it's just funny i got held
back too why because
my dick too big yeah what's a gala it's like it's just a thing where you get
dressed up and then they
just make people they like ask people for money basically so it was like there
it was a it was like a
a domestic violence thing and then they had cowboys come out and be like one of
those guys the auctioneer
guys yes they went anti you remember those anti yes it was not almost got us
really the longhorn
the texas longhorns thing and they did the auctioneers 10 and i was like you
can bid first
on one of these you can and he was like 50 grand and then no one was bidding
for like a minute and i
was sitting next to him like oh what yeah i was like i'll pay for it you can
bid you gotta start
low fifty thousand dollars no and people were it starts at like two and that's
that's the move to
raise your hand for the very first one dollar yeah dude was it on will you it
was like a vacation with
a coach coach sarkeesian to a cabin yeah it was like a boy's vacation in the
cabin with an adult
man you don't know coach sark well there'll be like a 32 person trip to orlando
just like
just lemare do what they did on it it was actually kind of it's kind of sick so
they had this trip
they had the bid up to 15 000 bucks and they had four people and they went you
you you you all get it
right away and they all had to get one for 15 grand i was like oh that hurts
yeah it was exciting the
cowboy bitters were excited it was nice that was fun yeah but trying not to
laugh for anything at the
gala oh i told britney i said bro not a how much was she trying to raise that
hand i i told her before
we went in and three times i saw her elbow move and i said i will storm out i
want that i will it's just
like we could have that it is it's kind of a girl trap because it's like they
pop you know confetti
on you and it's like you know the pricing makes no sense it's perfect for them
yeah like thirty
thousand dollars yes it's like you know i i was what are the objects the
objects they were like pretty
intense vacations and they will be like the sleeps like 18 people so i guess
you could try to get people
in on it but just it was vacations um what else was it