Name: Ep 550 - Blazer Tag
Uploaded: 2025-03-13T22:20:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 550 - Blazer Tag' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 550 - Blazer Tag' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-13. Transcript available.

Ep 550 - Blazer Tag

wow wow wes you they said it couldn't be done i know they said it could not be
done nobody would
be crazy enough to do a podcast live from blazer tag i know i didn't know you
could pull it off
dude this is yeah it turns out it's pretty easy to pull off yeah true what are
you guys doing at
uh one o'clock in the afternoon on a day they're closed we got blazer tag
it's a glazer tag god damn it i know it's a mistake to get you up here
god damn it you got that blood taking out your little fucking week
i mean yeah it's it's hard to podcast knowing laser tags on the back end what
do you what are
you thinking about yeah we're gonna be taking breaks hit the tag come back and
report i'm
thinking what were you thinking about teams i'm thinking fats versus thins that's
not bad fats
versus thins is gonna be nice you might be you're close to thins there's some
there's some true
fats do we have enough fats we have enough fat is i think we have enough fat i
think we'll have more
than enough fat but the fats are gonna be camping you're gonna have to breach
that room we're not
leaving although we could gas ourselves out one of the fats spider could get
another blazer tag
clear the room just friendly fire we might send blade we might send spider in
his little suicide
bomb you guys are gonna shoot him a lot but he's getting a fire i see him pre-loaded
on the cheetos
he's got the cheetos where it's just gonna fucking go in all a lock bar did you
eat a burrito
before you came uh no thank god but what did you eat i'm sure it was fucking
catastrophic
oh an empty belly with cheetos that's a good recipe
empty belly with that he gassed out my house the other day did he really he
took his shit in the
far room and it's and i was like fucking the sewage is fucked again i just had
plumbers here
it was so bad that i was like and it like it really fucked the whole house up
that when it was an
impressive dump was that when we thought he died that no that was this is the
second dump he's
taken recently worse than when my dog diarrhea'd in your house uh yes whoa that
was clearly dog
shit out of water too i mean who knows what he did in there it was just a tube
damn dude oh there's my
fucking gym shorts i'm looking for those goddamn spiders wearing them
what was going on with that dump like what led up to that i just hadn't been
dumping dude it was a
fun weekend you were blocked up and i was blocked up he dropped an insane one
there was the girls were
there they were screaming people were upset oh my god we opened the doors we
had to open the doors of
the house oh you crushed the girls crushed the girls crushed the babes was it a
giant log or like a pile
no that was a pile it was i had to go back i mean yeah we thought he was dead
we were joking around
we were in the pool and we were like maybe he's dead and then we all kind of
like thought about
it for a while and we're like somebody should check on it did a two-hour dump
for real he might have
elvised out it was a long dump and then we had the realization that one of us
is going to elvis out
between the squad i think we have a pretty high speaking of elvis and out there's
onk
someone's dying on the shitter in that reporting for duty team fat reporting
for duty
it's gonna be it's gonna be tough for uh pat because he's been losing weight
still reporting for duty team fat oh yeah that's gonna be camped though that's
gonna be tough you
guys will camp you have to breach the roof yes you guys got to get the tactical
position
another reporting for duty what up pat it'd be fun it'd be fun if someone dies
they respawn
it's gonna have a bmi it's gonna be a bmi cutoff
nice
so what do i get to do on this show
oh shit oh i'm good oh i guess i am on the i am on the skinny team
holy shit i thought i was fucked it's literally just gardini matt no connor
there's no one else we're outnumbered
you and me are competing truthfully
we gotta have a bmi it's gotta be a bmi cutoff
this is crazy you guys are legion right now
literally on the drive over i was like i'm close
like i'm on the cutoff there's some units on the squad
this is gregor you
she is tough squad dude have you thought about your name
yeah i was gonna i was gonna do i can't think of a cool name i was gonna do t.s.
cool shooter
t.s. cool shooter is awesome
we gotta see you gotta get past their filter they don't
doctor hits someone's got to be general fat
oh that's great
hey spider
they're spiders
general fat spider
i was thinking of cool names last night i was like we're gonna slide through
yeah last night last game i was
amazing doctor mr hits doctor hits that's great chairman pow chairman pow is
pretty good
yeah that would be good yeah you could be netanyahu
netanyahu bb would be nice don't get me started don't get him still
i might be bb actually now that i think about it bb i can be bb guy bb net yeah
bb how long how many
terms has he done as president of israel
fucking 90 2000 yeah he's been there he's been there he's the potent of israel
for sure yeah
man you can feel it is a blazer tag the air the air now that the boys reported
for duty the air got
dude dude dude
once they bring us the rations the movie theater pizza this is going to be
thick in there it's going to be like the jungles of nominee
it's going to be a pure bod humidity 87 percent guys are going to lose their
minds dude
yeah they're going to be able to find us from our breath
they're on the other side of the wall god damn yeah it's not fair you guys are
going to have
radar what do you mean yeah true you know exactly the smell the snores guys are
going to be taking
naps we're going to be running night shifts guys are going to have to watch the
wire at night
and blazers here we go hold on hold on he's been losing a little there he is
hold on james just saw the cutoff james might be james you thin team fat team
which team oh fat team
actually it's a fat room i don't know that shirt that shirt's looking straight
down bro whoa is that
the definition you lose your weight bro you might be you slouched
this is not all the tracks but james has lost enough weight losing man in this
group he's right
there that is true i didn't know we were filming the laser tag did they give
you lipo with that haircut
how dare you will not be mocked it's no all right i'll sit on down
look at how quickly james takes a mic people don't realize how greedy james is
thanks for coming james it's good to have you i'm in i'm focused i'm ready you
might be thin
team dude i think you're thinking yeah you've you've reached the honor of my
life if i've made it
who else is on the thin team i'm going to start doing a thin prop again you're
thin
no offense uh you are down right now pg you're down your weight loss journey
how'd you gain the 70s god damn how yeah oh jack in the box uh uh you're just
putting a lot
of chips on the table yeah both ways yeah i stopped intermittent fasting and
training
exercising all together and jack in the box what's the time span on that where
you gain
150 70. my fattest i was 413. yo i got down to 240. how long did it take you to
get from 430 to 215 you're the general
413. i like two years like two years yeah let me what's the highest you touched
i had to be like 420. you guys are you guys are some a2a2 lancaster cows dude
this is crazy we were
doing mics in lancaster mizy has a photo of him it's crazy dude he doesn't have
arms
his forearms sticking out he's like a fat t-rex that would be that is nice that
is the dream to move to
like truly the middle of america and just get as big as you can that'd be
awesome i'm not kidding
that would be i'm on my way so nice and like your president wins you're as fat
as you can possibly
get you know i knew i was right about everything oh man this is exciting stuff
do we have anybody else
here there's no comments out there this is somewhere um other than that i don't
know we got a song i'm
skinny although yeah i don't know where his loyalties lie yeah true yeah
something about him i don't know yeah i don't know if i trust him in there
we don't have to send waves at each other so lemare and nate you guys go first
figure out some minds
i'm gonna see if we can get a school bus in here for us oh man sorry that's
terrible i got a feeling
i'm gonna be really bad at this you might i'm not gonna try there's a couple
tactical perches
if you grab it it's tough to get you out of there yeah to focus on the rules
beforehand they're very
important yeah because they're secret things you can shoot and they give you
power-ups and oh yeah i'm
not gonna i don't really with that i know i heard that but it's like i got too
many ops out there to
be with the power-ups we're gonna have to divide these teams i know we can't do
fat skinnies we're
gonna have to do uh we'll just do the fattest
and work our way down darkest complexion to lightest oh i like that we'll do
shirts and skins
100 percent i'm going home i do have some level of shame oh man um yeah we'll
have to figure we'll
have to go we'll have to assemble the troops and just look at you know give
everyone a good up down
see what's going on spec has anyone here got flat feet i'm sure you're out you
can't do it
chris is colorblind who's out oh yeah i'm gay i'm out
not allowed to talk about it where's chris he's out playing video games oh yeah
he's preparing
probably in the arcade probably time crisis right now getting ready that's
cheating yeah
they can't play until we get ready that'll be
yeah they only have like two video games here yeah time crisis and guitar hero
the guitar hero is kind of nice and they have the basketball basketball hoop
football tall ski ball
but yeah they have a couple things oh man sounds like a woman that's my wife my
wife found out
oh great hey hey all right
oh all right here we go hey we're podcasting man we're in a good place right
now dude come on
dude we're podcasting for real you motherfucker oh what
it's like when the raptors found out how to open the doors
it was just a funny joke
hang tight hang tight you can play a game wait till we cast
you can blaze all right later love you love you babe love you so much
she's just off a period right now it's gonna be so sick tonight um
dude i actually this cracked me up the other day i was we were at home
and she was washing uh buying chloe's hair she's washing chloe's hair or maybe
maya's
chloe wanted to watch tv and she was like i want to watch gabby's dollhouse and
she clapped with
every word and i was like did you see that britney and britney's like yeah she's
black
and chloe looked at britney and went i'm not black you're black
it was it was the funniest thing i've ever seen just for a two-year-old to be
like you're
black i'm not black she's so mad she doesn't know what it means my sister's my
sister's kids have
struggled with this my sister's kids have been like why is she when's she going
to turn black
the white kid and they're like it's gonna be a while yeah true how come she's
not black yet
that's so sick just waiting like i can't wait to my sister yeah my sister's
gonna be black soon
it's gonna be the rest of us turn black around two three that's when i first
remember being black
oh man god damn that's blazer tag pizza is calling my they're gonna be yeah
people are
tearing them up dude they're gonna be i'm gonna rip it apart oh yeah i'm so
hungry bro i've been to a
lot of kids here's the thing bro i've been to a lot of kids parties and i've
been eating like
just play place pizza and it's it does slap it hit you're you eat a first slice
and you're like all
right yeah yeah this rules oh man i haven't done this since i was 12 so laser
tag yeah i'm psyched
dude you're this is it's been probably a decade for me last time i was here my
dad's cum
was all over his pants i was literally thought about it as soon as i put these
pants on i was like
i was driving over driving over like i've been wearing these for a while yeah
that black light's
not going to be kind to us my t-shirt team fat's going to be in camo team fat'