Name: Ep 558 - Ay Caramba
Uploaded: 2025-05-08T18:20:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 558 - Ay Caramba' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 558 - Ay Caramba' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-08. Transcript available.

Ep 558 - Ay Caramba

The Wild Wild West.
Yo, what a slap, bro.
What a motherfucker.
That was a powerful slap, Lemaire.
That was.
Damn, you're coming for Gardini's job.
I know, man.
Surprised everything syncs up properly with his little slap.
We'll see, though.
We'll see.
Usually, you're about...
Lemaire's about 50% on his...
Producing.
Producing skills.
Yeah, there could be a major technical flaw.
There's a solid chance that this does not have a video.
So, we'll see.
We shall see.
It is a woman's world, man.
I mean, bro, we're lucky to be living in it.
We're lucky to be living in it.
I can't wait until she comes here.
I'm going to the tour.
Katy Perry, that was a good...
I was expecting that to be terrible.
The music video was great.
Do yourself a favor and watch Katy Perry's Woman's World music video.
I thought the one part was really powerful.
There was one part that was extremely powerful,
and me and the crew ran it back.
And started chanting, women, women.
It is a woman's world.
It was very powerful, just that shot in general.
She's trying to tap into the drags.
Yeah, you're talking about just by smashing it.
No, not that.
Just making that song.
Yeah, that's a good market.
She also was a host on RuPaul's Drag Race.
I've seen it.
Trust me, daddy.
I know all about the drags.
Every once in a while when it's a woman's TV choice,
I have to watch fucking RuPaul's Drag Race.
You should remake Grease.
That'd be a good movie.
Remake Grease, but it's really all just drag queens and doing drag racing.
But instead of the cars, they're just walking towards each other and being like...
One of the drag queens on the last season was a bit of a greaser.
Really?
You're not far off, man.
You've got a keen eye for the drag.
La Mer would obviously be the most powerful drag here.
I would be number two.
It is about size and girth.
I'd be a mean fucking queen, dude.
Yeah, you think La Mer would take the throne as the number one queen?
If you watch the show, you'll see who they like.
They like a portly fellow that does that.
I'd be a giant, though.
Because they wear, like, giant...
Yeah.
I'd be 6'7".
Oh, God.
I'd be like, whoa!
Oh!
How big of a bitch do you think you could be?
I could be a...
You know I could be a bitch.
You've seen me be a little nasty bitch.
You've been around people when I was being a little nasty bitch to them.
You go, God damn, that guy's being a nasty...
I could probably be one of the nastier bitches.
That's so funny.
I know deep down I'd be a nasty queen, dude.
I got to get my flexibility up, though.
I got to...
True.
That must be sick, though.
Just being a girl and being mad and just being like...
I have no repercussions.
I'm just going to say the most off-the-wall shit right now.
Oh, yeah.
It's got to feel so good.
And he'll forgive me in a day.
All I have to do is say sorry once.
I know.
In fact, I don't even have to say sorry.
I have to just be kind of nice the next day.
I know.
I have to vaguely acknowledge that.
And the guy that I'm dating or married to will just go, eh.
Yeah.
Fuck it.
That's fine.
Yeah.
I don't give a shit.
I know you're fucking dumb.
No, that wasn't directed at anyone.
That was a joke.
It is funny, though, just to be brewing, wake up.
Dude, ever since I got my gun, I've just been so sassy.
Really?
Ever since the gun's been in the house, I've just been going, who wants it?
Yeah.
What's up?
What's going on?
Any bump in the night last night.
Yeah.
Clip was loaded.
Yeah.
You literally wake up feeling sorry for whoever it is.
I'm not even scared.
I just feel sorry.
It'd be insane what would happen to them.
I just feel sorry for you right now.
Yeah, I'm going to try that.
I'm going to do one day where I just wake up and just beat her.
The cops will get called.
I'm not going to hit her.
No, I know.
But if you said.
Not even say.
If you talk the way they talk to us, the police would be there.
I'd be, true.
I'll be way more subtle, though.
It'll be like, what's the matter?
And I'll be like, no.
I'll be like that all day.
Just wake up and just be like, my arm's hot.
Like, what?
My arm's hot.
I didn't get good sleep.
Something's going on with me.
My right hand's really warm right now.
No, get off of it.
Leave it alone.
I don't want you to touch it.
I want you to look at my arm.
You see how long I can make it?
You would crack.
You would start laughing.
Whoa.
If you did it to me?
No, not yet.
I wouldn't do it to you.
Yeah.
You might hit some civilians, though.
I think the kids might be some collateral damage on that one.
You do a targeted strike in response to pure terrorism.
I'm getting a coffee, and I'm like, there's too much syrup in here.
I got this coffee today, and I was laughing.
I want to start going to coffee, like, the same coffee shop every day, getting
the same
thing, and every, like, as I sip it, walking out the door, I'm going to go, ah,
it tastes
like shit, and just walk it every day.
Just every day.
Yeah, that's good.
Ah, it tastes like shit.
I'm sick of eating this shit.
Come on, let's go.
Let's go, Jesus Christ.
Just throw it out and walk out.
Let's do it every day.
Oh, man.
I just hope Katy Perry recovers.
Me, too.
I'm starting to join KP's side now.
Good.
You're a powerful ally.
The space landing, not great.
That wasn't good optics.
But that's a learning moment, then she linked up with, what was it, Dr. Luke?
Dr. Luke.
Dr. Luke.
Questionable pass.
Oh, no, that's where I draw the line.
No, Katy.
No hanging out with Dr. Luke.
I don't hang out with Dr. Luke.
It's sick to team up with Dr. Luke and then make a powerful woman song.
That's where I draw the line.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's one of those things where it's like, yeah, a bunch of ladies went into
space and
acted like idiots.
Yeah.
So, what did you think was going to happen?
Are we all...
Yeah, they're just...
They're fucking ladies.
They might as well have rode one of those, like...
Six wives got launched into space.
How did you think that was...
They should have launched them on one of those, like, bicycles where you all
face each
other and blast music.
That's all that was.
They could have hit them with, yeah, Peloton class.
The bar crawl bike.
Oh, that one?
The bachelorette party where they're all like, yeah.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
They can't handle those.
Who thought they were going to handle fucking Blue Horizon or whatever?
I just hope they raise enough awareness for Bezos' mission to launch trash into
space.
Yeah.
He started by launching a bunch of plug and trash.
Have any of those bicycle things been hit by a truck yet?
Had to have been, bro.
Had to have been.
I've been on one before and it's like...
After riding one, I'm like, these things got to get clipped, man.
Because you're just in the street.
There's just a guy, like...
Looks over his shoulder and just hits the street.
This guy hitting an on-ramp and you're out there going, oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Into the wrong side of the highway.
You're like, dude, come on, dude, come on.
Yeah, I'd like to know if one of those guys...
Take me home tonight.
He was riding into fucking southbound traffic.
That's a good...
Yeah.
That would be funny.
Just a suicide mission.
Yeah, suicide bike rider.
Come on, ladies, hop on.
Especially he's just driving and just like...
And then so I fucking told her.
He's like, I can't, man.
Somebody get on the Mopac.
You don't ride into the river.
You don't even pedal.
You don't pedal at all.
You just sit...
Your pedaling does nothing on those things.
Dude, that's how ladies used to kill themselves back in the day.
You just hop in the river.
You're just ready for the river.
And you would just be like, fuck it and jump in.
Yeah, that's usually how they got rid of their kids, too.
Oh, Jesus.
They were taking you straight to the lake.
Why don't you sit in the back of the car?
I'm going to put it in neutral.
Right down the boat ramp.
I'm tired of you crying.
I want to go out with my friends.
Yeah, I want to hang out.
I want to go...
I want to be a flapper.
Did you ever get to...
We're really going at the women.
No, the flapper.
That was in 1920.
No, I know what a flapper is.
I'm just saying.
The beginning of this has all been like, fucking women are fucking annoying.
I like it.
Dude, we're on Katy Perry's side.
What are you talking about?
We're having fun.
We support them.
We do, dude.
We're lucky to be living in a...
One of those fucking bike things get clipped yet?
I'm going to try to make sure.
No, this one didn't get clipped.
It just fell.
It just fell over?
Yeah, just they were going too fast.
They were flying?
Yeah, dude.
Well, I appreciate that.
And it tipped over?
Yeah.
Dang.
Damn, they probably got pretty hurt.
Oh, yeah.
I saw the sky bar.
Did you ever see those things?
They put like a bar on a crane.
What?
Yeah, really just high in the air?
No.
I saw one of the cables snapped on one of those, and it like...
Oh, they didn't...
It turned into the fucking fun house, dude.
It turned into a real fun house.
Damn.
That seemed like the scariest thing I've ever seen.
I think it was in Puerto Rico.
I could be wrong.
Okay.
Maybe.
Dang.
What's the difference?
Your father died in a Puerto Rican sky bar.
Damn.
I didn't know they'd do that.
They just lift you up in a...
Dude, when you're up that high, too,
the wind catches you,
and you're swaying, like...
That seems like shit.
It's a terrible idea.
I'd want nothing to do.
You're going to piss the entire time.
True.
Out there drinking.
Oh, I didn't even think about that.
Where do you...
I guess they have like a little commode.
What do you even do?
Piss.
Hey, now actually,
you could sell me on going up high,
having Puerto Rican ladies pee on me,
and fucking...
Hey, you got to start selling tickets
to the underneath.
Get a little side hustle.
Just drowning in White Claw piss.
Now we're talking.
That thing's no holds barred, dude.
True.
I got to head to San Juan.
I got to...
Business.
Yeah.
That's the woman's world I dream of.
Just get a poncho,
like you're the Lady of the Mist.
I would be voguing up there, dude,
if I was at the fucking Puerto Rican Sky P-Bar.
Yeah, will you look up this Puerto Rican Sky P-Bar?
We got to fact check this.
True.
Sorry, we have an all-black crew today.
They're both preoccupied with the NBA playoffs.
Checking stats.
Dude, the NBA playoffs need to chill on the commercials.
What are they doing?
Bro, they are targeting the African-American community
with intensity.
Wait, how so?
Before I...
Every single commercial is catered to black people.
Gotcha, gotcha.
But it's like, almost like...
It's not race war stuff.
No, it's not race war stuff,
but it's a little like...
Wingstop's taking up a bunch of...
Really?
Yeah.
You're watching...
It's a lot of Wingstop.
It's like...
It's every chicken place.
You're watching, you're going...
The NBA is like...
Spread it out, dude.
Shame on them.
Put one on the PGA Tour.
Tossing the Pet Boys.
Just fucking throw it off a little.
Tossing the Pet Boys.
Shame on them.
Yeah, it's fucking...
Literally, it's Sprite.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Somebody was saying the other day,
it's like a...
It's crazy that the Wingstop commercial
isn't racist,
because it's just a black guy getting...
Wingstop commercial's
the most racist commercial
I've ever seen.
It's so racist as hell.
It's a cool black guy.
Just...
You describe it.
I can't even describe
the Wingstop commercial
without sounding racist.
It's a trap.
He's trying to pull out
a Jenga piece,
and then they put a piece
of chicken in his face,
and he's like,
whoa,
and his eyes knock over the Jenga.
Oh, that's the other one.
That's the...
No flex.
Zoom.
Yeah.
That's a good one, though.
I'm talking...
There's a new Wingstop commercial
where it's a base...
I think it's supposed
to be an NBA player,
and he's doing
the whole fashion
fucking walkthrough
that they do,
and then he hops
in a limo
and just crushes chicken.
And every white guy
on earth goes,
I knew that's what they're doing.
I knew that's
what was going on
in those cool limos.
It's so fucking funny.
In case you still
wanted to know,
it was Puerto Rico.
I