Name: Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys
Uploaded: 2025-05-22T12:01:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-22. Transcript available.

Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys

the wild wild west oh damn hello how are you hello everybody so is people were
causing you some guff
trying not to cry bro i got literally gardini witnessed it from the start of
the weekend
and the shows are fun i was in ball sacramento and lgbt atl i was in ball sacramento
and lgbt atl
and uh those are two good ones they were great shows phenomenal but from the
dude from the get-go
we get to the austin airport we're early i say hey let's be a nice treat i'll
take sean and egan
brought the eganism with me i was like we'll take sean and egan up to the
american airlines little
club lounge treat them for two free guest passes like what a great way to start
the day i go in
early i'm you know i was there i'm just kind of like writing on my laptop sean
texts me he's like
you know he texts me like hey we're outside i'm like okay sean's outside let's
mumble through text
they're they're just kind of like milling around by that front desk and i i'll
be honest i was like
tightening a paragraph so i it was they were there for like maybe like four how
long were you there
for like a minute yeah they're there for a second i wasn't trying to be a jerk
i was just locked in
sorry about that dopamine stack locked in so i go out to let them in i'm like
hey these guys with me i
believe i have two free guest passes and the lady goes yeah if you're a member
at this lounge and i go
okay no big deal i go but i am and i you know i coming out of it i scanned in
she didn't scan in
with me i'm like and then the lady i scanned in with comes up and goes who'd
you scan in with and i
was like whoever was sitting where you are i think you yeah she's like i don't
remember that and i'm
like what do you guys think i'm lying like i can assure you i didn't sneak in
here we didn't say that
i'm like you kind of did and i was like anyway here's my thing but i definitely
know i was like
i even i beeped in and you went do you need help with anything else so i think
it was you yeah she's
like i'm just saying and it was like okay she's like you're not in here so the
only thing i could
think of is that i i had gardini's and my boarding pass on my phone maybe i
beeped gardini's but
that's her if i beat the wrong one that's on her so i'm like look whatever we
go into the lounge and
i'm like that just wasn't sitting right with me and i was like lady i'm not i
wasn't trying to be a
dick but like you do realize you kind of accused me of lying to my face in
front of my friends
you disrespected me in front of my friends disrespected me in front of my in
front of the
openers that's something i cannot have you undermined me in front of my openers
an example for the open
next thing i know they'll be doing an extra five they'll be doing 30. oh they'll
run the light
gardini they'll be walking all over my bits and tags yeah you know i saw that
joke you did last night
i'm gonna do the same joke i have a joke that's just like that it reminded me
so i'm gonna open
with that tomorrow i love them not to go off track but that is the best oh yeah
when an opener hears you
do a joke and then the next show you hear him do a different joke that's the
same topic they didn't
do that in the first show it's like oh yeah your joke reminded me of my joke
about that same topic and
i wanted to go before you yeah all right perfect you've had some disrespect as
well i've had this
exact experience remember i sat down at a cheesecake factory and they were like
where did you get this
seat who are you i was like i don't know i just picked this somebody walked me
and the hostess was
like i've never seen this person in my life what the did you do that for why'd
you just lie
same thing dude that i was i was hot i had to go back up to the lady and be
like dude that was
that was kind of weird you did that yeah like i'm not like you know i just want
to let you know
that was crazy i'm not asking for like you know preferential treatment in here
but i'm like don't
do that that was nuts and i was like and you scanned me in she's like i don't
remember that
it's like that's not my problem so then we had uh was this a white woman yeah i
was gonna say yeah
yeah man it was i thought yeah if you were confronting a black woman like this
i would have
been bro i would have said hats off i've been trained to the trenches i know
that i pull no
punches i know you're out the month i did that one time back in philly in an
old apartment and
a lady spazzed on me and stuff yeah she spazzed on me and i was just the last
sam i was the one
dude i was just kind of like you have no idea lady yeah i'm completely your
tricks don't work on me
dude i can absorb a black spaz like none other dude i was just sitting there
like
the only black spaz i really ever absorbed was in our old apartment when uh
that lady came back
with her big dog to kick us out i just sat on the steps and i was like oh yeah
oh yeah
the realtor that i had worked for that yeah matt worked with this realtor and
they came back to
like evict us i didn't give a i had zero dollars we're getting evicted from
west philly i was just
sitting at the top of the steps and they were downstairs like right now you
need to get out
right now and i was like oh do i i was a fucking gargoyle on the steps you're
not supposed to be in
here it's like we're not supposed to have a giant hole in our basement yeah so
what's happening that
was the best when our dishwasher was moldy and i was like yo we have like mold
in our dishwasher no
she came in and she was like i think we might have different definitions of
what moldy i was like
there's mold on the dishwasher you're spraying bleach on it what are you
talking about what the
are you talking about yeah man hook us up with a fridge yeah lump lump had lump
connected the fridge
that was nice yeah that was pretty sick but yeah then so then i get on the
plane and i've been doing
a thing on the plane where like i get on and they're seating the whole plane so
i bust my tray out you
know i'm again just getting some writing done just working and then i think
this might have been on the
second flight but this guy just this like you know big gay guy from the sky
kingdom of gay guys in the
air and he just like who's the stewardess steward yeah stewardo the steward steward
steward the steward
the job he was a big he was a big he's kind of a big dog he's a thick gay steward
yes and he dude
literally i'm like completely absorbed i'm into that somehow it got hotter
dude he goes we're waiting on you i'm like what i snap out of working i'm like
oh my bad dude and i
like shut my laptop and i was just kind of like the is going on today why is
everyone shitting on me
and then we land we get to ball sacramento we land and dude we're outside the
hotel and this
actually made me laugh but a lady comes up homeless lady walks by and goes move
it or lose it i was like
what the and then she did start laughing she was kind of like she was in on it
she could feel the
yeah she she turned around and flashed just such a sweet smile that's funny and
i was like dang lady
that was kind of funny and then there was an older lady in like a mobility
chair i was telling sean
i was like i might hit her with the movie to lose it you should have it's the
only way to break the curse
you got to give it to somebody else everyone's disrespecting you you have to
disrespect somebody
it was in a 24-hour period i've never sustained just not it was non-stop
disrespect i can't think
if there's any i don't know if there's anything else i caught i caught some strays
on my flight home
this weekend did you yeah just some drunk guy sitting next to me or across the
aisle and he was like
i could tell you're somebody because i saw your lady friend that you're with
and then i saw you
and i was like what i was like oh cool man like what the was that for why would
you say that to me
yeah i get hit with that all the time dude last night we were out a guy was
like my friend looks
retarded too i was like yeah it's cool man thanks man can i have pictures yeah
for sure
can we look retarded in the pictures i don't have a choice i'm gonna let's get
the picture
that's the funniest request ever i get it all every day yeah some people are
like let's do middle
fingers in the picture i'm like can we not man i know middle fingers yeah
you got disrespected at cabo bobs yeah i told matt about this and i told
everybody besides you about
this but i was the fuck are you telling everyone else for it not me i didn't i
haven't seen you
in a week you know i miss you there's another i didn't mean to disrespect you i'm
sorry but
is me and all the the big guys so it's me lemare andy pat and our friend jake ricka
says is jake thick too it's about 1500 pounds man with me at the cabo bobs you
guys can't get in an
elevator no absolutely not it would have been final destination yeah nine
people limit you go we can't
get in it was five it's some guy commented about how he was like why are all
you big guys hanging
out with this little guy it's just kind of weird to see that's funny he's like
you guys are all so big
and he's so little who said this to you a random guy at the cabo bobs just not
even didn't even work
there no no he was just going to pick up his lunch and he commented on all of
our sizes he saw you
guys and he probably thought it was some type of weird sexual i kept just like
there's their little
humper yeah that's i was joking about that i was joking about how i had a fat
drawn carriage that
took me around yeah you do chill deep with the fats i know i never realized
until that moment that it
probably is a weird sight to see me hanging out with only people that are about
four times bigger
you have a plus size squad
really do yeah it was great respect that was that was pretty much it the
weekend was sick otherwise
weekend was great it was just nice just non-stop mounting disrespect just one
after the other
not the last lady the last lady had it was older lady with braces very sweet
but all the stewards were
just that's hot yeah i know was she hot in her own way yeah yeah i would say um
she was she was kind of
a she's a darling very nice too i even i was so just just so beaten down from
the weekend i'm like doing my
work before i was the plane loads and i looked up at her one point and i was
like just let me know
when you want me to close this i don't know exactly what i'm supposed to do
yeah you're fine
sweetie oh thank you babe babes with braces they must be humble true
lest they get hit with a shut up brace face
they have to be humble at all times true nice braces you 50 year old wow wow
getting sexy for your fourth husband nice now that's something we would say if
we were being
mean if i got attacked if i got attacked by a brace face lady yeah i go i don't
know who you're
talking to with those fucking braces in your mouth you just go jesus christ can
you turn the other way
your son's bouncing off those things blinding me put on your rubber bands shut
the hell up
adult braces are sick i love them i mean to be rocking braces instead of invisaligns
at this
point it's awesome it's kind of a power move honestly i know terrell davis had
braces did he really
yeah he was the man running back for the broncos you remember him just tossing
the break yeah he had
fucking braces game day 98 that was my go-to yeah he was nasty he was awesome
adult braces they should
come back my friend's dad got braces and it was hilarious that's wild i told
you about my dad they
tried to get him to get braces and he was just like hell to the gnaw yeah you
can't wear braces at
a construction site good lord he couldn't even drive and not drive a pickup
truck if he took he had a
little ford fiesta passed down to billy oh yeah he was talking to me yesterday
about a nine million
dollar truck he wants to buy it's his absolute achilles heel yeah he yearns for
like doramax
the most gigantic trucks imaginable it's crazy big trucks it's like a little
boy he is he loves a
big truck he loves big big boy toys he did ha