Name: Ep 561 - Beautiful Things
Uploaded: 2025-05-29T15:06:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 561 - Beautiful Things' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 561 - Beautiful Things' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-29. Transcript available.

Ep 561 - Beautiful Things

Wow Wow Wes I'm fully in the loop are you in the loop right now I've been home
for two days three
days so you're just completely caught up full internet for two days what's
going on on the
internet well Matt turns out I'm a giant wow wow everyone hates I kept looking
it up and turns out
people really don't like me very much but that's not all there's plenty of
other people getting
called that going around MGK is a new music video that sucks fucking made me
want to bring a gun to
school what else is going on that'd be a good uh you know that Roddy Dangerfield
thing where he goes
back to college he's like a shooter hey you're picking on me take that he's not
getting enough
respect for the bullies and the jocks but no I've been fully plugged in I
watched uh I was really
involved in pop culture there's a guy who scream sings that uh he says uh and I'll
be dancing out in
California the kid who got it all wrong whoa you gotta check this kid out you're
gonna like him I got
all types of stuff going on that's called white it's been dubbed white hooting
and hollering music
and it's led by Benson Boone he's the lead to hooting and hollering guy he's
the guy who's like
these beautiful things that I've done oh that guy yeah it's like girl movie
music yeah yeah
Britney's hit me with that song just listen bro I've been all over the internet
the last two days
then somebody filmed Steph Curry at a Benson Boone concert with a cowboy hat
singing along and someone
was going oh fuck Steph Curry sucks but in Steph Curry's defense I was thinking
about this if I got
dragged to a I've done it sure I've gone to a concert I've been like this shit
sucks I'm not going to this
shit then yeah then I'm up there singing at the top of my lungs to Mumford and
Sons it could happen to
anybody it really you could take me to an Imagine Dragons concert I was trying
to think of the corniest one
to be like a major fan of I would sing along for sure I'm waking up I feel it
in my bones
just stomping to the beat yeah I'd be going nuts
actually speaking of concerts I had I heard uh some good news I I talked to two
people who had gone to a
Katy Perry concert recently and said she held it down said it was fucking fire
dude it said don't
believe the fake news it said the Katy Perry concerts are he said what a
performance that's good yeah
that's good so yeah who told you that oh one of my bros one of my bros one of
my bros they saw KP
I could see how seeing KP live would uh would be a treat said it was charged up
not she was running
around I saw her running around run around almost naked yeah uh I saw all types
of stuff I saw Jennifer
Lopez did a very long dance at an award show what yeah I watched it seven and a
half minutes I watched
her dance she did a seven and a half minute dance shit sucked dude a lot of
this this could be a media
narrative but dude a lot it sucked to watch I was mad the whole time but then I
was getting a little
more disappointed myself of how much I just hate dancing yeah like choreographed
dancing I just came
off like a real loser why when someone's like I hate music yeah I was sitting
there and I was just
like I fuck I just hate dancing dude it's it's kind of a miserable life
honestly dance like it's a like
I uh my kids go to dance class and it's like dude you forget like ballerinas
are like evil like when
they get older they've been like screamed at since they were a child and beaten
yeah they've been dude
it's like I I've dealt I've been dealing with some aged ballerina types and it's
like not the friendliest
bunch dude yeah it's not all like tutus and fucking pilays dude they're yeah
they're fucking mean man
and I'm like sitting there like damn I like watching them I'm like taking them
what a couple black swans
dude for real I'm taking them out of this dance school dude it's like I don't
like it at all
they're just fucking mean dude like my so they if you fill up your card you get
like it's like six
little stars if you get six of them you go in the office and they give you like
a present like a
little prize and dude we're talking like you know fucking alibaba some sort of
like finger puppet for
two cents kind of bullshit temporary tattoos and Chloe wasn't able to go to
that one it was just Maya
but they both had filled up their cards and she was like can I get one for my
sister's her card's
full she couldn't come she's sick and the lady's like one toy per card and just
dude you're talking
like this thing might have been four cents Jesus and I was just like Jesus
Christ you should
have you should have assaulted her I should I should have dumped the bag and
like pick them
up should have crawled across the pick them up stand on your toes for 25
minutes and if you move
I'll slap you in the fucking head you said you've gained weight we're sending
you back to fucking
Siberia you've gained too much weight you slob dude then we when we turn on my
my tv upstairs it's
like there's it's like always on a channel now the channels I don't know how TV
even works
anymore but it's just they pick one show there's the Baywatch channel yeah I'm
on
saved by the bell channel right now we were just watching some saved by the
bell Zach was dating
a girl in a wheelchair yeah he was like living the dream we've all discussed it
okay we can't go to
the fucking what's the guy's beautiful things yeah the beautiful they don't
have the room they don't
have the best booze there's no fucking steps we're gonna stay in again and
watch movies we're gonna have
to watch thin red line again you can relate to that a couple of these guys
ended up in some chairs
turns out we have the same time do BJ's we're gonna have to do blow jobs again
and we're gonna have to
watch war movies I'm sorry I wish you could walk I'm gonna build a ramp at the
stadium in about
three years I sent a letter I wish this wasn't the case I feel like we're
trapped in purgatory right
now yeah that's living the dream so Zach Zach pulled it off he's dating I
guarantee the wheelchair
chick was so hot in the show she she was she was a little nerdy looking but
back for a 90s babe
they hit the 90s babe for sure what season was it I hope I'm not going too
early on this
no it was I know what you mean though there it was you know you're certainly a
pretty girl
I've been watching my channel stuck on dance moms so I put it on and my kids
fucking love it but
it's just it's not like I don't know it's like um I don't know what version of
this is I was dance
moms like white ladies or black ladies because this is only black lady dance
moms and it's just them
outside the algorithm knows your house I told you I'd blamere's black ass
Netflix right
it's good they just have a totally different Netflix than us it's crazy it's
actually crazy
because I don't think you watch the do you watch all those shows no my grandma
does oh that's right
we've discovered this yes that's the algo goes nuts me and lemare's grandmother
are battling for
Netflix supremacy yeah it's dude the dance moms is so funny it's just literally
like ladies standing
outside like you like of the dance studio looking into their kids trying to
figure out like which
ones are gonna get picked for the audition it's just them just in each other's
faces like you wait
to use my girls the best it's like and it's just non-stop that's fun it's
pretty fun I was
watching that this morning I was watching a little dance moms this morning we're
getting ready for
that's good what's the one uh it's not it might not be dance moms is it a pageant
what's that one
where the girls are in pageants I think it's pageant moms or something like
that yeah that's a whole other
thing there's a really great clip where a fat lady gets told to be quiet she's
in a scooter one of the
other moms is like you need to put your phone down and pay attention and she
just instantly throws her
scooter into reverse and drives outside and goes straight to a police station
to report an assault
it's the funniest video just her hitting the fucking she's like you need to be
quiet she's like
hits the reverse I saw a video of a guy on a scooter menacing the block he was
like zoomed up on
somebody choked like grabbed them by their throat and put them down a lady
tried to break it up and
hit the reverse and just banged like he was so nice he was dominating people
dominating this guy must have
been a menace back to the person from the scooter swear to God grab this guy
must have been an absolute
menace when he was bipedal total menace because he like gripped the guy dragged
him down with one hand
yeah I mean he was he was you know he was like a fighting heroin addict but you
know
that must be nice dude dominating the block just dominating the but yeah if you
just if you were
like a loser enough to be homeless without heroin exactly if you stayed sober
and just dominated all
the fucking skeletors some dude talking to you you're sitting there come here
get the fuck out of here
you could toss those guys around you could toss them around like crazy they
really could and they
probably wouldn't get hurt it'd be kind of it'd be fun it'd be yeah it'd be
nice especially I mean
yeah you could just blame them for whatever it's like I know you fucking yeah
you and they probably
did that I spent they probably did they definitely stole everything you have
they are like little
kids if you're like hey come here they're like going through 20 different
things like fuck fuck
fuck I'm busted fuck you man fuck you what'd you fucking say to me come here
yeah he was getting it in
he was and dude backing over the lady was yeah and then he ran over one just
right into her where was
this I don't know just on the internet oh I thought you saw it in Austin I was
like hell yeah this is
great I saw a homeless guy with a fucking sword cane in Austin recently that
was freaking me out
I think I've seen that guy really see by the mothership uh he was close he was
by like the
black rabbit okay he had like I was just like carrying a box of stuff and heard
a lady like
don't poke anyone with that and I was like I looked over and this guy had a
like dude the blade was
like that long and I was like Jesus freaking Christ damn he's just that's a
cool homeless I'm still
waiting for the day like they four of them test me and they're like we're like
every time I pass them
I'm like today could be the day they're gonna test you I'm gonna test my
survival skills yes that must
have been crazy back in the day when you've like been through like four or five
life or death battles
the swag would be crazy I was like thinking about that the other day I was like
dude my swag would
just be different if you had survived several beatings like several fights to
the death
swag would be nuts dude this episode is brought to you by prize picks do you
know ball there's only a few
games left in the playoffs and the championship is officially on the line that
means time is running
out for you to put your final takes to test to the test on prize picks the best
place to cash in on
your favorite sports uh riffing point please talk about what you think of the
playoffs so far
Matt please talk about what you think of the playoffs so far I'm thinking about
these championships right
now are there any particular teams or fixtures that you've enjoyed or players
right now for me dude
the Phillies are red hot the Phillies are red hot I think they might be talking
about basketball or hockey
but for sure but you're not wrong to be thinking about October right now yeah
exactly I'm thinking a lot of guys get lost in
the dog days of summer and that's where teams start to rise and fall I mean I
like where your head's at
though the red hot Phillies need to focus on a red October but in terms of
basketball I'm trying to
think who I think could take it all in basketball the not the Knicks they didn't
they lost no they
they lost last night but it's 3-1 Indiana exactly so I think Indiana's gonna
take that I like the I like
the Pacers myself I do too I don't 