Name: Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Uploaded: 2025-06-04T18:28:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-04. Transcript available.

Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)

wild wild west holy shit dude we're here charles blisnick john del calo hello
thank you guys for
joining me on this program thank you for having a special guest popping in as
well we do have a
special guest coming which is exciting sit right there i think sit right there
you're gonna stand
around him or you can stand on the chair we could do like a i don't mean to
bring this up again but
we could um do like an usher style thing all cherries i was just thinking serenade
but if you
have cherries on hand sure what do you think about ushers bowl of cherries
could you resist it you
think everyone talks big game i don't think you never imagine him holding what
looked like child's
testicles in front of your face imagine you're a 40 year old black lady could
you not lick the
simulated child's testicles if it was your biggest crush and there's male testicles
there's grown-up
testicles that look too buddy like steroid heads dude no there's dude cherry
guys out there i'm by
no way a sack king and i'm not i'm not the cherries i can comfortably be like
that's not a flex to be
like cherries but it's like nice did you ever see that video of the bodybuilder
i'm checking my nuts
right now yeah dude i can't check too hard i think mine are like robin's eggs
you know like the candy
yeah mine are like yeah mine are like robin's eggs like that nice about that
yeah yeah i know it's
like a yeah robin's egg or like a jordan almond yeah for the for the for the
people who are a little
bit more refined a brazil nut yeah oh you nasty you freak jerry i'm a bit freaky
right now i'm not
going to lie i'm freaky my freak is all inside brazil nuts are freaky as hell
brazil nuts they're so good
what i like them dude they're the worst nuts i've only had them i'm not trying
to come at you no no
i i get it pause i've only had them salted but that's when they're okay yeah i've
had them raw pause
yeah they say if you eat one brazil nut a day it's supposed to be like super
good for you
yeah i don't think it i mean i don't know raw and salted brazil nuts and they
are there's a huge
jar on my counter i was like i'll put them here i'll eat one every day right it's
a chore they're
gross dude yeah i think whatever i'm doing with my life is probably canceling
out anytime i eat a
i think it's safe to say i'll never see a brazil nut in my entire life really i'll
never be able to
identify a brazil nut now yeah they're not i mean look they're not the best but
look this is what i want
to talk to you guys about i i didn't mean to get scared away on perversions
right at the beginning
we didn't get we didn't get that perverted i can get right now i could get deep
into my personal kink
but i'm just chilling on that right now it's cool okay i want to talk about the
fact i'm well i i'm
edged right now but i'm currently i'm not gooning i'm not i'm totally totally
still off the goon how
many days eight days huh damn you can probably chew a hole through the wall
i'm eight days and i'm dude i'm telling you you're gonna pop brother i turned a
corner man i don't
know what happened i'm i'm completely and again i'm sorry to talk about this
every single time
it's coming out of your eyes it kind of is i'm completely i'm off the knock i
turned the corner
where it's just like before like i'd want i just like be wanting to look at it
now it's like i don't
even i don't want to look at this stuff yeah i've somehow in my head just been
like that feeling
when i get like sexually charged i i before i'd be like this is like i would
get mad at my wife
yeah i i would for real be like this lady now i've gotten into it where i like
that i get into the
charge and i talk to her all the time but she charged me up this morning i said
bro just charge me
man i was like we're not we can't do anything right now because you know like
we like we survived a
microburst by the way so you know what a microburst is is that a pre-com no it's
gonna there's gonna be
a microburst later today if all things go well but we had we had worn such
light shorts we had like a
semi-tornadic hail storm yes okay wait yeah the uber i took an uber here as
soon as i got in the
the guy was like the weather's been crazy here a couple people died yesterday
oh but yeah apparently the
weather wasn't even crazy yesterday oh it was hot you can heat stroke he was he
was kind of on one
he was uh maybe i mean maybe he was just in like twilight zone but he said you
mean like an immigrant
is that what you're trying to say if that's the case dude i i'm afraid i have
to put you in the red
my friend yeah put me in the red because i was about to go off he was dude a
couple people got like
drowned in the in the floods like homeless guys got washed away in the water
really what were
they sweeping up obama's backyard we're back in the green thanks man you got us
back to the green
what uh wait who wasn't it flooded maybe that's what he was talking about oh
not yesterday but like uh
like saturday remember those the microburst that was on monday monday yeah on
monday people definitely
died if you were outside dude they're they're claiming apple-sized hail that's
yeah that's and it was 15
straight minutes it was crazy and it was the wind was from what i saw swirling
because people thought
it was a tornado damn it was 80 miles out of nowhere i got an alert on my phone
i was watching
a new hope with my kids watching star wars the first one yes just chilling all
of a sudden it's
like you know you get the amber alert thing or whatever that's not the same
yeah sure my bad
you just can't like your phone's gonna be a real wet pervert coming to you
about to get diddled by the weather we got diddled by the way it broke two of
our windows whoa
my dude my neighborhood got smashed dude oh my god like if you walked
afterwards did you go outside
in it hell no dude we were in dude i thought like my i was having my kids away
from the window
my sweet wife which is left in an uber moments before and they had to pull into
like a car wash for
shelter in an uber it was it was i've never been scared in a storm this is the
first time i was looking
at my roof being like this thing might come down on us whoa is that the
craziest storm you've ever seen
with easily dude easily wow it was just literally raining golf balls for 15
minutes damn just going
on the roof took out my kids went two of my kids windows just side by side whoa
what about car
windows wait so it might have been a fortunately it didn't storm it was a bit
of a pervert yeah only
my kids rooms and it dude and it hit like if you want outside after i went out
afterwards when it
settled down i went to i went to home depot after and just larp as a contractor
yeah it's nice for like 30
minutes i had literally i was just carrying one piece of wood i was genuinely
swinging it around
literally that's exactly what i did but i i brought a tape measure with me so i
had the tape
measure and i didn't like i knew it it was like bro don't do this but i like
hooked it onto my
fucking bell clip and i was fully larping as a contractor the entire you had a
netflix all
right all of a sudden the what a next telephone all of a sudden dude i would
have i think i was
pretending on my iphone i was like yeah go ahead jimmy troops dude i was in the
aisle of like just
the duct tape aisle and i was trying to flex yeah buying corn nuts because
there was all these couples
there's all these couples just walking around with that like lost it was like
we got it was like
genuinely a up event yeah did you just go to people watch and see what people
are like no don't come
i can't i didn't go just people watch i was fixing my damn house do you know
what were you going to get
boards for the windows i need i was looking for some pre-cut she uh not sheet
rock some plywood
look at some pre-cut 32 inch window standard 32 inch window so i went there to
go get some plywood
but you and i you know this is kind of a embarrassing but i was hoping they
their saw would be there so
they could cut my for me yeah so i go there dude the home depot was flooded
itself so they couldn't
cut for you so i'm like looking around i you know what i ended up buying some
some pre-cuts
they weren't big enough but i put some other stuff on there it was you got done
process i had a
shopping not a shopping cart a big bed flat bed yeah loaded with saw horses a
circular saw sheets
of plywood my uncle called me he lives here and he was like what are you doing
i was like i'm at the
home depot he's like dude put all that i'm gonna drop ten he's like literally a
carpenter he's like
literally a carpenter he's like dude i can do that faster than you can go back
and forth
please put all that stuff back and i was like god damn it it's it feels good
though to almost
do you like ready to buy that stuff i might do that i have to use just dude
having a tape measure on your
hip here's the here's here's how deep the larp went it's just like he got me
when i was in the
self-checkout and i had a cart loaded so i was about to say you're on the last
item and then you're
like i actually have to return all this well you know what i said so come on in
come on and see your
guests see your guests come on you actually you would love this come in see the
mayor passion
pass to the mic oh my god there he is holy shit what i'm down oh my god hold on
a second if you
guys can't see the the listeners at home the lights are all blinking billy mccusker
you can
set you can sit you can stand whatever you want to do would you like to take
the standing we're
going to sink yeah last time his leg was broken look at it now john if you're
fucking you know if
your legs fell they're feeling pretty good right now but my ego just took a hit
from you
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so bill bill bill thanks for coming by the way i really appreciate you um you
guys have the cherries
ready full of cherries no all right anyway uh i don't even know you know we got
hit by a micro
burst right i told you that solar flare no no microburst in terms of the hail
we had apple
size hail and awesome oh yeah you're talking about hello at least learn about
the culture
so we got smashed i told them i went immediately afterwards once the weather
settled uh i went to
home depot to get supplies to board the windows up fully larked as a con