Name: Ep 566 - Destroying The Ark
Uploaded: 2025-07-02T17:32:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 566 - Destroying The Ark' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 566 - Destroying The Ark' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-02. Transcript available.

Ep 566 - Destroying The Ark

wild wild west you what the fog is up dude hey what the hell this is crazy what's
going on
chilling dude just just chilling nothing what is all this it's just absolutely
just
the is this this is my stuff it was my setup this was the boat while you were
gone i had to care i had to construct the arc this is the arc it's the arc dude
this was the basement what are you doing down here the podcast
yeah thank you bro that's what he wants to do to his penis right now so bad but
he can't
have you guys discussed your testicles would you like to keep your medicals
yeah sean you should
raise awareness about your swollen epididymis do you think it has to do with
your giant
dick banging against it obviously he does have a giant dick we've all but we
can put the rest we
can put to rest the idea that tsa scans you if you have a big dick because i
got scanned what full tenis
so far the only people i know that happened to are you nate and shannon sharp
so i've seen guard
dog get it and nate and sean both have uh world-renowned giant hogs it could
have just been your
heart you might your aura might have been crazy that day it is uncomfortable i've
never had the
guy do the back of the hands thing and they really do it yo they really stroke
you what it's up
yeah thank you that would have hurt if it happened to me right now my testicles
are so swollen and
tender that would have sucked whenever i go when i i have tsa pre-checks i don't
have to go through the
scanner but i would walk out of the scanner and you'll have a good day ma'am
and i'm like what the
fuck we all just saw your the ultrasound was nice though i've told you you had
that i've had a
tested ultrasound once yeah warm jelly it's uh yeah i was a nurse and i was
joking the whole time and
he did not like it he was wearing a steelers bandana i remember that that was
funny he was
wearing a steelers bandana and rubbing gel on my nuts oh i was like steelers
look good this year right
he was like just be quiet during the procedure are you serious yeah he was he
was like he was one
word dismissive answers that sucks yeah but he warmed the jelly for you that's
kind of weird it
wasn't it wasn't warm oh yeah cold yeah yeah i got regular jelly he had a lot
warm and sensual
and there was low lighting and candles lit and nice music playing i was in the
basement of a hospital
what do you have yours it turns out nothing uh mine was just at a ultrasound
place like a cat scan
ultrasound it was just you and pregnant ladies like a baby place that's why it
was yeah baby yeah i kept
my shirt it wasn't for your balls it was for women well they did it on my balls
turns out they're twins
how are your balls uh they're okay i am suffering from epididymitis i'm
suffering from epididymitis
right now which seems to be more common than i thought it was um but just not a
lot of people
are vocal about it so i'm happy to be vocal about it and say that i'm
struggling with it right now
raise awareness for epididymitis i'm almost done with my antibiotics and it
still kind of hurts so that
makes me nervous yeah that sucks i tried to be sexually active this morning and
the pain came right back
so when you said you tried how far did you get in the process
i was well i don't want to be graphic i had a boner and i started um out of
course
no intercourse was it did you start with petting with a partner there was some
heavy petting and then
i was with my partner you were aroused during heavy petting yes so then i was
like hell hell what you
know i feel pretty good now why not just give it a shot and you're like oh and
then i was like oh we
have to stop right now she was on board for sexual penetration you're like hey
i'm gonna penetrate
you are you okay with this yes yes i made sure everything was okay it's podiums
just looking over at you with that dumb ass i mean it's truly it's definitely
when the roman empire was
like falling apart and they were like throw a giant festivus just to keep it
together
it was trot out some dude i was reading about the uh well i'm glad you're but
you want to continue it
what happened though so you were in your your oh well we don't have to continue
you're in the throes
of petting i was in the throes of petty and then turned to passion and then
turn
so what's the penetration it's nice when petting leads to passion it usually
does but when it doesn't
and all you did was pet a little then you get angry disasters charlie that's
how i am right i'm i'm
very charged up right now because i engaged in sexual sexual act but i didn't
get to finish the
sexual act so now i'm sort of just angry and in pain in my test scores dude i'm
telling you i'm sorry
that's tmi i'm not taking to the bottle at all no because the probiotics i'm a
week off of booze right
now which is a lot a pretty long time for me yeah that's good yeah so that
feels good i just did a
week and it sucked why are you like two weeks i hated it really that whole time
you were gone you didn't
drink i got the one night in and you hated it i hated not drinking yeah it's
boring dude you
wake up at 6 a.m and you feel so good not when you're working i was just going
home and sleeping
true you're like i should be hung up i'm gonna be suffering yeah yeah kind of
is pointless suffering
if you're not hung over you're like i could just be hung over and feel bad i
did have uh probably the
best uh break in the sobriety though it worked for a week and then the one
night i had off went to a
bar in atlanta i was sitting upstairs and they were like hey charles barkley
just got here
i was like i'm gonna have to i gotta say hi to him before we leave yeah it's
like there's no way
he knows who i am got down he's like hey tires i was like let's go and then me
and charles barkley
got that's so awesome for like two hours it was awesome that's awesome that's
that's the drinking
guys are rewarding you it was honestly yeah it was the blue knight the blue
knight laid him yeah it was
uh i was thinking about it if i could pick one person to go get up with it
probably would have
been charles barker for sure he's as awesome as he seems he was the man one of
my friends
while i did electrical work in his house like years ago and i was like he's the
coolest dude
yeah he's the coolest dude yeah he was like let's talk about race i was like
let's do it
chuck's so sick oh really let's do it do anything you want it turns out made
him agree on a lot
that's awesome so that was a good yeah it was a good night tell you but you
penetrated a little
this morning and then and i had to give up because it just hurt so bad and i
felt so much shame i kind
of i felt like less of a man because i couldn't continue that happens i felt
like that happens
the blue knight give us the blue knight take it away yeah you feel less of a
man it's the worst
when the girl's like that's okay you gotta shut the fuck up yeah that's kind of
well it was your fault
so i got out of ice pack and like i was like i had to stop and then get an ice
pack and sit by
myself did she get to nurse you or you had to nurse yourself i didn't want to
be nursed i was kind of
just ashamed of myself so i just sat on the couch and iced my testicle a sober
losing a boner has
got to be tough i didn't even lose the boner it was just my nut hurt really bad
so you're just icing
your giant dick on the couch my giant hard dick on the couch no no no no it
wasn't hard at the time
with the icing i was just hot giant soft sick
piece of my languorous genitals i'm embarrassed but i am happy i don't have to
suffer in silence
anymore true i'm happy to get the word out you must feel better i'm 11 days in
i mean people don't want
to hear about this anymore i'm 11 days in right now just rocking i'd rather
chop it off 11 days without a
come nice just rocking there's no big deal i don't give a i was talking to my
uh that sucks i do that
so i'm telling you flip switch i'm like every day you like it yeah i'm just
charged up and i know it's
coming so it's like it'll come eventually i just don't i'm just like unburdened
myself from thinking
about it all the time but my uh i won't say who this was but i have an ally in
my you know kind of my
chastity and uh it was not full chance yes but he was saying if he sees an
attractive woman he just
stops and goes thank you for the energy boost and he just keeps it moving good
lord
egan oh i was gonna say egan's egan well we already talked about this this is
his business not mine
yeah egan's on like 100 days again yeah he's easy i hope he's not lying though
if it turns out
he sounds like i thought about that if you lie about just go to confession
every week it could be
i'm lying about nofap i'm masturbating if you lie about nofap that's how you
end up like smoking meth
with little boys at a youth camp once you start lying about sex stuff it just i
feel like the wheels come
off yeah yeah if you you got to give up lying about sex stuff probably fresh
when you're in high school
yeah yeah that's when you're everyone's at their peak they're like yeah they're
not
titty her i had one brother lied about titty a girl it's awesome what a great
lie yeah we didn't
we didn't have sex but we i titty her i've always admired those guys and we
were all friends we
like did he titty you she was like no that's such a sick move it never occurred
to me to just lie about
having sex with a lady it's never my move i never i remember i used to lie
about saying there's a
stretch of time where everybody i grew up with would be like nah i don't
masturbate that's weird
really yeah and like you might want some other well no i was too eventually but
there was like about
a year when we were like 13 or 12 where everyone was like nah that's that's
lame or gay or whatever we
don't do that it's a great swap but then we all started was it the wrestling
buddies no just buddies
buddies just sodomizing wrestling wrestling buddies i thought you were talking
about the uh like the
pillow wrestling buddies oh no i took a knife to my wrestling buddy once well
for why all alone
stabbed hulk hogan what i hung a teddy bear from a tree yeah my parents were
very uh they're upset yeah
yeah what was he doing in your room i murdered hulk hogan yeah i ripped the
stuffing out of a teddy
bear and hung it from a tree when i was little and my parents were similarly
like what the
are you doing i'm like it's funny they're like that's not funny at all it's
disturbing i was like
whatever i was done with it they shouldn't have gave me a pocket knife true you
know he poked up
that was your cell you poked up you poked up your celly hit hulk hogan with the
hawk yeah he kept
taking bottom bunk i was getting by him just me and him no you go up top fine
you're getting home by a
fuck hulk one night i said enough is enough
took a swiss army you're one of hulk's boys dude in the cell
yeah he had a whole stable my dad my dad you get my dad and now he was like a
chucky dog except
he was he would rape me my dad your dad was shot calling on the yard there's no
way he's tough
there's no way yeah me and my dad we're arian brothers well hook might be too
hulk mania yeah he's definitely an arian brother he's an arian brother
that'd be nice watching like uh wwe with like the arian brotherhood and like a
white wrestler wins
they're probably like they're probably going nuts during the dx versus nation
of domination days i know
i was wow that got me that stirred some racism i didn't know i had yet dx all
did blackface i was
like yeah that's all good dad what is this feeling when i see you when i see
the nation i get so upset
you're growing up son let's take a walk son
oh fudge yeah that's the birds and the bees combo true they're different
this episode of matt and shane's secret podcast is brought to you by dude wipes
have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet yeah every time yeah every
single time
yeah i did it all week it's a disaster i left a i mean i literally painted my
bowl this morning
yeah it was crazy there's nothing wrong with that n