Name: Ep 567 - Say Cheese
Uploaded: 2025-07-11T12:01:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 567 - Say Cheese' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 567 - Say Cheese' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-11. Transcript available.

Ep 567 - Say Cheese

wild wild west he's a real weisenheimer top of the world top of the world a
little
new haircut gardenia you look like a young boy that is crazy don't laugh like
that
welcome every time he walks into my house he goes hello
every day every time he comes hello hello hello hello sean
it does it too you guys both do that hello it's polite it's weird it's nice it's
nice and polite
well it makes me angry you guys gotta walk i'm sorry you guys gotta walk in the
room like the
king man yeah you guys fucking some ball the mayor used to walk in like didn't
say hi
yeah you just walk through and i was like what's going on like nothing
i have a hard time in the morning hello morning person 2 pm dude i got hit i
got hit with the
morning person today those fucking roofers came over like 10 30 and i just woke
up and i opened
the door and he was like early early morning huh i was like why don't you fix
my roof dude also like
just shut the up and get up there trying to morning check someone as a roofer
at 10 30 is crazy it's
like dude you're supposed to be up at 5 a.m yeah to beat the heat the hell are
you doing here at 10 30
you that was on me that was on me i was like no yeah we'd be there at six i was
like no shot
you can get a ladder you can just go right up there i'm not letting you in yeah
why don't they
just why don't they just do that i think they did i don't know why they wanted
oh they wanted to come
in and check the water damage from inside but you're a roofer it's like you're
a roofer bro it's
none of your business it is not your business don't worry about the whole
painter yeah painter can
come in here not a filthy roofer i agree not a filthy drug addict roofer
number one drug drug addicts in the construction force roofers roofers and
painters i have to be on
drugs to be up there be a Texas roofer yeah man holy that's why they wanted to
get up at 6 a.m
dude you have them in the dog heat yeah well it's time to get up there find out
what the
fuck's going on i'm tired i was doing stand-up that's true i was up all night
doing the real man's
work true 10 minutes of stand-up and they go oh that's so sick i'm gonna sleep
until noon i'm gonna
sleep till noon that was awesome i did it i haven't been able to do stand-up i
was doing the movie oh
yeah yeah you've been so that was really nice beaver you forget how much you
attach all of your self-worth
to being able to be good at stand-up yeah you don't do it for a while you want
to kind of kill yourself
yeah you do stand up you go all right yeah that was good i'll keep living it a
little more
that madden photo finally finally reached the internet did it you guys did just
a little insight
the boys knew about this photo i showed them immediately what what was the hold
up what do
you think happened they couldn't some i was so relieved the guy who took the
picture
i saw it on twitter it was on twitter for a while no one ever saw it and i was
like nice might dodge
a bullet because that is not a great photo i thought you looked i'm not i'm not
fluffing you
i thought you looked powerful in that photo i did look powerful so too powerful
yeah heavy very heavy
powerful man that could be argued it did the shirt blasted out a little and i
looked like i gained
about 50 more pounds than i already am and i watched the fucking guy take the
picture i was
leaving my trailer to go get water and no sunglasses dead dead dead dead
fucking midday just going
and i opened my eyes to a guy on the other side of the fence going
got your ass what a bitch yep and then i was i went back into my trailer just
like i knew that
that's gonna that picture is gonna be nuts looking i was gone
they do snap up photos now that you mentioned it every time you see like a tabloid
thing it's the
worst just like somebody like a picture of anyone that's slightly overweight
walking my thing is
fat as hell not that i'm slightly overweight i'm very uh you know what i mean
but get a chubby guy
and they could take a walking picture of him yeah it's brutal also here's the
thing i i know like
you know tmz types that's their thing they got to kind of catch you off guard
whatever happened to
say cheese man give me this whatever happened can we at least be humans please
give me a say cheese
hey say cheese from i would have said cheese yeah of course yeah geez that's up
instead of just a
picture of me going secretly taking pictures of people should be illegal it
should it's a
fucking it's like a stalker it's really weird yeah unless you're like a private
eye if you're just
like paparazzi are the lamest fucking people on earth yeah dude i saw one of
the tmz guys was at
the cellar one night and he was with a lady and i really wanted to go up and be
like because i
looked him up while i was in there i saw that he had recently been divorced oh
i was so excited i
just wanted to walk over the table and be like sir do you have anything to say
about the divorce you
just had wait can you answer something like just while he's at dinner what are
you doing here
shouldn't you be with your divorced wife can't believe you got divorced get my
cell phone out
yeah that's true what the fucking piece of that's like when hoss used to go to
the philadelphia
meter maids and go up if they like were double parked but you know your car's
parked illegally
you know i gotta race you're gonna race hoss yeah he wants to smoke him i know
well he there's
the thing man he's a sleeper he trains but i am i am gonna smoke i think i'll
smoke him how long does he
have to train he's just got this month we're racing in august i gotta do that
show in ac you got him
you got i'm gonna smoke him i've been literally running putting together a gang
for the ac show
oh yeah like 20 20 tickets take some comps yes for 10 comps i'm like no dude
yeah you have
fucking five four you gotta give him ten i think i gave him like no he bought
them to mine i know like
no one wanted to go it was like i'm out three thousand dollars 20 tickets he is
the best i called
him today just to with him he like lives down the beach in the summer so i'm
going to be down there
near him so i figured i'll stay near him while i do that show and just chill
for like four days
i just i just had run that one fast mile immediately i was like i'm gonna text
off the fastest guy that's
ever fucking like who cares about this i was like hoss what's your mile time
you guys are gonna be so
serious about it i'm i called him today he's been sending me anytime he runs he
sends me the splits and
i'm like hoss like just because i haven't been sending you stuff don't think i'm
slacking yeah
i'm gonna beat the breaks up dude first off i'm testing test me i'm gonna we're
gonna do a little
blood test with you and hoss test me because this is outrageous bro you're
texting your
fucking cousins to be like i'll fucking torch you in a race mother he started i'll
see you in jersey in
august you're fucking liver king dude you're fucking destroy me in front of my
family hoss it'll be
honorable i'm telling you my my what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna give him the
lead i'm gonna just trail
behind him just like 10 meters like think he has it and then i'm gonna fucking
turn it on we had a
family race did you really a long time ago my aunt my uh my liberal aunt yeah
remember her that was
causing love the run she believed she because she just had a girl brain when it
came to men versus
women where they're like she's not she was not in great shape at the time yeah
she was like i'm faster
than phil my dad was like yeah no you're not i think he had a couple beers he's
like we can do it right
now that was at thanksgiving they were like all right we'll do the race on at
easter so they had
neither of them walked yeah no one trained yeah and then we went out that phil
just torched her
she almost fell over yeah it's like a 40-yard dash phil probably ran a clean
seven second 40. she was
coming in at 15 seconds she almost went backwards that's how slow she was yeah
older nobody's slower
than older ladies they're the slowest they're not built for speed at all
yeah toddlers outrun them yeah you're gonna leave your kid with your grant like
their grandparents
hey yeah kids are gone oh they're gone yeah that's yeah nothing better than a
nice family race
family race is nice family foot race yeah i'm excited stretch out dude the hamstring
would be
devastating i've been dude i'm telling you i was up this morning at 6 a.m i
know but the roids and
the creatine and all that i am i am on a macrodose of creatine i know you can i
can tell
please take steroids for real i'm gonna i'm telling you i'm waiting i'm gonna
break the glass
next next special be gigantic full carrot top just go nuts i should actually do
a whole special about
how jacked you every joke you know how when you're jacked you do
every girl wants to you
i might retain until my next special and then at the end of it just blur it out
but just spray
just spray on droids on droids two-year retention
this episode is brought to you by prize picks hey shane or matt have you been
watching baseball
this season who's been your favorite player to watch on baseball yes on
baseball you know i like
i like who's that one pitcher on um who's the hottest pitcher right now like he
was like the
i don't know really he's really slinging it who's been slinging it paul skeins
yes that's what i'm
talking about there you go i'm big on paul skeins right now this is a paul skeins
house is it really
yeah yeah i gotta autograph paul skeins baseball do you really yeah i like the
way he puts it down
is he playing this week you know i don't know you don't know you don't keep up
with the schemes
uh please answer if you know is the problem uh let's see what prize picks board
looks like
uh aaron judge for more than one home run i'll take that yeah i like that more
than one home run in
the game uh yeah he does that sometimes dang shohei otani for more than one
home run and spencer
strider for less than four hits allowed okay those those are my picks so it's
time to lock yours in
step up to the plate with prize picks and add your favorite baseball players to
your lineup whether
it's strikeouts rbis or first inning runs make your call with more or less and
play for your shot
to win up to 2 000 times your cash today it's so simple all you have to do is
pick more or less for
a few pitch few player stats if i can do it you definitely can what is that
supposed to mean
what is it supposed to even mean plus sign up today and get 50 instantly when
you play five dollars you
don't even need to win to receive the 50 bonus it's guaranteed uh so join
millions of users to sign
up today download the app today and use code drench to get 50 instantly after
you play your first five
dollar lineup that's code drench to get 50 instantly after you play your first
five dollar lineup price
picks run your game yeah dude i'm telling you man i uh i i plan on when i once
i'm like let me let me
tell you because if we're gonna you know enter the topic of uh cum uh texas has
gotten rid of x videos
finally caught on to it they caught on to it so there's really no porn you can
look at here
so i decided i was like all right i don't know how i heard guys jack off on reddit
so i'm laying
down i got a nice boner going nice and uh i open reddit because i delete it all
the time so i had
to download it oh you went to the sub the first thing that comes up dude with a
boner i'm laying
on the couch about to jack off look at the first thing that comes off it's like
shane fucking sucks
it's just like oh it's really devastating that's fucking sucks yeah ended the
beat i didn't beat i
was about to say they didn't no just put the phone down let the terrorists win
the terrorists won you
can't outlet the terrorists they won that brief battle like don't worry i jacked
off later
that was a nice little hour break i went back to watching the illusionist
someone withered your phone yeah of course dude it was my like stomach drop
it was like gargoyle nazi 420 69 