Name: Ep 571 - Daddy's Dots
Uploaded: 2025-08-06T19:13:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 571 - Daddy's Dots' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 571 - Daddy's Dots' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-06. Transcript available.

Ep 571 - Daddy's Dots

wild wild west hey what's up guys how are you you saw what i was up to that was
awesome new game hold
fast gotta give them steel eddie yeah that is nice i like that i like the musket
reload man musket
reloads nice guys screaming i like the community yeah you know what i mean it's
a community thing
for me they should with the respawn the community is nice with all the guys
going to get an american
server yeah then they're not saying vive la france they're saying the n-word
you got to report them
yeah they say it so much that it gets to the point where i'm sitting here by
myself like
come on guys yeah guys this is i don't like that dog like it's enough that i'm
the one that's like
offended i'm like god damn these guys are really actually well they gotta be
they gotta be you can
hear like kids yeah they are little kids there i saw a thing online where a guy
was talking to a kid in
a game and he goes yo man um like you won some like fortnight skin let me talk
to your mom i'm gonna like
get all the information put it together as soon as the mom got on there he goes
your son just said
the n-word to me on the thing and just just lied just made it up and the kid's
mom was like are you
using bad language damn that could have got any of us i didn't know mom i wasn't
he's lying
mom was like we're using bad we're using naughty language again please stop it
she handled it with like potty mouth energy like come on the n-word is
definitely potty
mouth it's super potty mouth yeah super potty mouth stuff dude yeah it's so
that's what i've
been up to just yeah just holding the line giving them steel sitting in my
house by myself laying on
this couch that's so sick giving them steel so sick i got i uh the highlight of
my week so far has
definitely been been i got a um a thing for my bed that keeps it cold all the
time so i sleep on like a
55 degree that's incredible it's dude it got so cold last night i got scared i
was like what if i get
pneumonia
it's crazy how scared you get at night ah dude especially scared all the time
at night it was
crazy it's pretty embarrassing yeah i mean it's literally the witching hour it's
spooky i need
la mare i need you back yeah i need you back when's your lease up
fuck it i need you in the in the perimeter yeah guarding the ring camera is a
terrible choice dude
it's it goes off it goes off at three in the morning because of fucking possums
and yeah it'll
be there'll be like a box across the street it's like you know we detected live
movement it's like dude
those things are so annoying are you a part of the ring community as well yeah
they were every day
somebody on crack is like why is this helicopter circling every single day no
no helicopter uh
yesterday the internet went out and i got 40 notifications i had to turn it off
yeah it's really
annoying yeah we had one in philly and i was like i just took it off my phone i
was like i don't yeah
someone breaks into my house i'll just won't so i'll dispatch them yeah steel i'll
give them true
i might bayonet somebody that would be yeah i mean you really can what states
didn't it's california i
think i think california passed it where you can't shoot somebody in your house
which is kind of it's
the whole point of buying a house yeah yeah the whole point is hopefully you
can shoot someone yeah
like we're fucked you you're the lease you're the lease holder right now so you
could kill all of us
and be like guys i told him to get out i told him they didn't i'd probably bayonet
all all of you
yeah true no i would jump three times if you jump i can't bayonet all you have
to do is stand still
you have to move slightly and i cannot bayonet that's kind of the move in that
game to stand
still and just move a little bit yeah that was like the cheat in madden where
people would stop
with and you'd run run run style it was like impossible to get the person those
are the days
yeah that was awesome cousin be mike vick and you're like you're a piece of the
energy in here
is yeah what the hell is going on this boys are just is something happening in
the news or something
that you guys are all there what's going on we did a screen time check say i
think we got six hours
sean wouldn't disclose nate got seven seven seven sounds a little high what
were you rocking with
uh i don't know i've never looked at it because i'm too ashamed when i heard
you guys talking and
all right i'm good i can i can feel superior to you what was your what were you
rocking with uh i did
hit an eight last week that's a rough one but typically pretty low it's not bad
not bad i thought
i was higher i'm speaking of screen time let's add to it what's going on i'm at
235 right check my text
real quick two hours 35 minutes yeah i got i've been trying to like even
watching movies i have to throw my
phone oh yeah because i'll just keep picking it up the second the movie lulls i
go let's look at it
yeah i i one time the first time i've ever seen somebody do something like that
i was in somebody's
unfortunately i was in a man's bedroom but i wasn't having sex and i was so
selling a marijuana but i
was in a man's bedroom and uh he was doing tv stereo his had tv on was playing
music and just
hitting the phone all at once i remember being this was like years ago i
remember being like what the
fuck yeah that's terrible it was crazy just get you're just getting rocking man
just firing
everything up and just being like i don't want to think at all we're being
struck by that but yeah
the movie i do the phone while my kids watch tv and i even even during that i
feel just like a
lump they're they're just staring at a screen and i'm like dipping out on the
couch next to them like
yeah anytime they look at my screen i'm like yo don't look at that don't look
at that it's
up yeah you'll actually find that very offensive no matter what no matter what
i'm looking at
yeah it's either gonna be a girl or it's gonna be a terrorist attack yeah i
watched a guy a bridge
collapse yesterday in ukraine oh no terrifying just a guy on it one guy he was
like welding yeah
pretty terrible he hit the one part that the entire thing collapsed and it was
like oh it was terrifying
dude yeah yeah that sucks i'd like to think i've ran the drill mentally of like
getting out of the
car the bridge collapses you like pop the thing swim out but i feel like you
sink really fast
what do you mean if you're in a car first of all the impact of falling off the
bridge in your car and
hitting the water has got to be a rough impact if you're caught yeah if you're
in your car that'll
be tough you're done i think you're done yeah i don't range collapse you're you're
dead just from
debris alone debris is gonna land on you you're gonna yeah yeah it depends how
high the bridge
you're probably just gonna die what type of bridge are we talking we'll go like
we're talking crossing
the mighty susquehanna susquehanna alone would fucking carry you bro susquehanna
is a little shallow
is it really it's a shallow river i mean i'm sure there's deep parts but yeah
you'd hit some rocks
that'd be a negative negative time then you got to swim out of like that that's
a new bridge the
turnpike's putting together some great bridges yeah yeah yeah come on that
thing's not going anywhere
if i was a pennsylvania pennsylvania taxpayer i'd be happy as hell i'd be happy
as hell with the the
bridges the infrastructure potholes not a great but yeah i love the time what's
going on with this
country's infrastructure are we going to build some fucking roads or what i
feel like they're building
roads every single place i've ever been dude it's not and they're not done no
they'll never be done
they're fucking they're literally they're everywhere yeah they're shutting down
like
the highway near my house for five years should have been a boom yo you know
where the
were the roses yeah a boon it's yeah it should have been a boom yeah we should
have came back if you
listen closely that i i uh i hedged my bet there a little because i wasn't sure
if it was a boom or a
boon so i was like boom yeah it should have been the infrastructure boom it
really should have been
man yeah let's get let's get uh i don't know if they did that did they do that
when everybody was
chilling no everyone nobody was afraid they fired everybody they fired
everybody no one had people
had no choice other than to pop their wives or pop your wife hey you get
unemployed long enough dude
after like three days you start getting the itchy i want to you go i've been
hanging out there way too
long let's uh let's break up this one too it is a sad fact about humanity that
if you like lose your
job it's just a matter of time yep you're gonna just yeah because you're
embarrassed yeah you're
ashamed yeah she starts going you're pathetic you go oh my god you say that
before the fight
yeah that would say wait till i talk to me after the the bell rings you know
yeah true it's the
fucking khabib now we talk we talk now i mean they're just hyping up the fight
they're trying to
sell some tickets that's the free fight that's the pre-fight match they're
gonna hit the mcgregor
they're gonna go it's just business man you're gonna go no now we talk this
episode is brought to
you by universal pictures nobody too a couple years a couple years ago bob odenkirk
showed up out of
nowhere as an action star and nobody now he's back in the sequel nobody too
nice holy cow this time
hutch tries to go on vacation with his family and all hell breaks loose it's a
real delight to see
a guy like odenkirk kick some serious ass jesus produced by 87 north the same
team behind hits like
john wick bullet train and the fall guy uh don't miss universal pictures nobody
too only in theaters august
15th nice you ever see nobody no it's really good i gotta check it out yeah you'd
like it it's a fun
one dude it's a fun little flick i gotta check it out for sure we gotta check
it out yeah yeah i don't
know i wonder if those dagestani's ever put hands on their women yes yes they
probably don't strike
they probably just go straight to the ground dude boring ass it goes five
rounds they just wear them out
their neighbors are like oh come on man this is stand up it's just boring man
standing bang
yeah i mean those dagestani's just yeah wrestle the out of their women
yeah i just feel like yeah you can just tell what those guys yeah dude i don't
i don't think they hit
that face that face that face i think you think they're going like babe i see
where you're coming
from i don't think they're women no yeah that guy is he's gonna get you they
probably have like
entrance music oh yeah true
are the dagestani babes faces covered i don't think they're pretty devout muslims
so i i assumed
they would be uh yeah good point but the eyes you could see that mouth man yeah
you can catch a little
condescending glance that's what i'm saying or you just see that you know shredder
flap
just moving you know they're talking and you're like what did you say yeah what
did you say no we
thought nothing uh smash you smash dude i read something recently i i'll be
honest i was trying
to figure out if there was a historical record of europeans first encountering
chinese and japanese
people like what was their general impression if they've never seen them before
like my my honest
question was like is there historical records of them being like dude it was
hilarious you can
get some yeah dude yeah they talked about polo yeah you can get some uh
especially the jesuits
going to like japan yeah dude the japanese were wild rocking those dudes yeah
they were just
they carried swords yeah they were they were like but they apparently they were
super the uh the japanese
were like super curious especially about religious stuff and that's what kind
of got them because
they would like people up but the missionaries came through the missionaries
came through and got
tortured for like 400 years they got bucked for sure and eventually i think it
was the dutch that
started being a