Name: Ep 574 - War of the Butt Wipes (feat. James McCann)
Uploaded: 2025-08-28T12:01:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 574 - War of the Butt Wipes (feat. James McCann)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 574 - War of the Butt Wipes (feat. James McCann)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-28. Transcript available.

Ep 574 - War of the Butt Wipes (feat. James McCann)

the wild wild west let's let's keep an eye on my uh my balls this time dude the
blur is so much
the blur made it worse the blur is so you did that on purpose you could have
used a black blur
black box would have been great you used a fleshy blur it looked like my i had
so many
people my friends text me like was your dick and nuts really out i'm really
sorry about that
sean you reveled in it you reveled in it the blur for real the blur was he was
texting me like he
was like really sorry i was like dude i swear to god i don't care what did you
what did you catch
like you caught you caught like slut cleavage i think you got a little bit of
butt cheek it was
like upper thigh fat that's like a that's a devastating yeah yeah it's white
and it was
white very white yeah that's not seen the sun i was getting into the shower
recently and my wife
was last laughing at my white ass and she goes i'm gonna take a picture and
send it to shane i was
like his ass is the same as my ass i was like he's gonna yeah it looks just
like my ass what's so funny
how'd you get a picture of my ass
i'm like he's not gonna be like what the fuck no i found i found my ass last
night
it was on tv i was watching uh alien last night sigourney weaver just has my
ass for no reason
what take a look at sigourney weaver's ass in alien she's got a full-on pale peasant's
ass
that's a medieval dynasty ass sigourney weaver's ass in the movie is what year
is that i don't know
that's when tiny heinies ruled she had a she had the tiniest hiney can i see
your hiney
she's got a man's ass she's got a nice pale irish ass yo what the fuck dude
she would die right now if someone saw her ass i don't think women can survive
with an ass like that
anymore she looks good in it tiny heinies they're out of nowhere at the end of
the movie
sigourney weaver just gets in yeah they were underwear and tits out basically
what it's pretty
oh and alien yeah yeah yeah that was like one of the scenes there was a tits
and leprechaun
there was the alien sex scene in titanic tits and leprechaun was the first time
i got in trouble
from my parents yeah that was came into the basement at my friend's house and
we had it paused on
tits and leprechaun that was the fuck is this i swear to god it wasn't me that
was that those
movies were the goon boon back in the day yep there was no other opportunity
dude you'd have to like
pray to perfectly craft what you you were like yo i heard there's boobs in leprechaun
in space
i'm gonna tell my mom i'm gonna rent leprechaun in space she's not gonna
hopefully check
yeah they were like a cargo cult just waiting on just like the forces of the
world to move around
you like oh they're back tits are back now music videos were my mainstay yeah
you had to hit it
bt late night yeah that was that was big for me yeah it was huge but anyway
that's the the main
order of business which i already told you is yesterday i had a very important
uh i had a business
meeting big hollywood stuff yeah and uh i woke up late and i the meeting was
delayed about an hour
because of how late i was not because i was out partying man but because i was
up till work 4 a.m
playing medieval dynasty and if you ever played that game you realize that's a
real fucking psychotic
move i was literally chopping trees for six hours gathering sticks i look don't
forget all the sticks you
i got a lot of sticks i got a lot of sticks and stones and uh that village you
showed me i was
fucking the village is astounding i was like really preparing myself you told
me about it and i was like
dude be supportive because i thought you're going to show me some rinky dink
bullshit no bro that was
like what a six hut village with that's crazy with a ye old blacksmithy that
would have taken
a normal man weeks took me one day yeah of just uh really pathetic day at what
cost the cost was i was
late for a pretty important meeting that i thought was going to be like three
writers it ended up being
the director and the star of the movie waiting for it i don't want to spill the
beans but it was i was
shocked your eyes are red and puffy bro i got i was like oh fuck it was like
you know when you're like
late for school or work or something i woke up like oh shit i slept through my
alarm i just joined the
meeting seeing if they were still there from my bed in the dark i joined the
meeting and you can
black out who it is it was wow wow i was like what's up dude sorry i just woke
up sorry to make you wait
from the darkness from the darkness they watched me walk into the light and
your face was definitely
dark red just like i tried to put on sunglasses i gotta put on sunglasses you
can't see me this and i
put on sunglasses i was like what the fuck am i doing this is what i look like
and i told him i
explained exactly what i was i was like i wasn't out partying this is from me
checking my clock way
too late gaming i was going it's probably two four i was like jesus yeah it was
literally sticks and
stones literally just chopping chopping logs all night so that my village can
start fucking weaving
baskets that i run to the town to sell for fucking two dollars over and over
again it's fucked up it's
really fucked up to do that there's no like reward in the game just yeah it's
dude that game rules
though game's awesome i like that i'm gonna hit i'm gonna hit a nice minute
also court you thought
you had to court the fucking your wife i courted my babe every morning congrats
by the way thank you
she is pregnant thank you fellas she said meet let's meet back in our room at 7
p.m and i
are you serious i almost jacked off here
i almost jacked off in reality oh she's such a sweet angel and then i uh oh you
name your medieval son
adolf no this is my son adolf uh i don't know matthew i'll name him after you i'd
be i'd be a king
i'd be honored what happens in medieval dynasty is when you die you live as
your son oh that's i was
saying you follow your seed what yeah you gotta build a dynasty holy shit yeah
wait so when you
you died i don't want to put you on blast when you got attacked by a wolf did
you didn't come
back as your son how many respawns i came back as myself you can come back as
yourself how many times
i don't know if i would have quit there that might have ended my dynasty i can't
do that so if you
don't respawn that's over if next time if my son is born if young matthew is
born oh then i'll go
you know what that wolf got me during the hunt well then you come back when he's
back as my son
yeah as a boy or a man i'm not sure i haven't gotten that far i've been
chopping logs i haven't
true it's true i mean your son's gonna take it to such a cabbage farm going
carrots i saw the apple
orchard apple orchard was just built i mean this is and you and you had your
barley you had your
barley reserves the barley reserves from the last great that harvest which i
immediately took to town
and sold got some clay pots not a big deal don't talk about the cherry juice oh
don't you dare bring
up the cherry juice my sweet sorry to bring that up this was a low point this
is like this was a low
point for the village my sweet wife got me a fucking cherry juice for a for a
gift she must have saved
65 65 65 where'd you get that money from don't you dare don't you dare she's
tricking matt what the
fuck dude she was not tricking she saved up because she cares about me and she
got me cherry juice and
then i checked our coffers were low i had to pawn the cherry juice to get some
fertilizer for the beats
you gotta do what you gotta do dude i had to get fertilizer it beats that was a
real low point
you saw me deliberate yes it is one cabin there's just a chest where his office
stuff is in this
it's just a simple chest there's like sticks rocks logs sticks rocks you laugh
but they're fueling
you see my dynasty he's like mushrooms and cherry juice and he goes i gotta
sell the cherry juice
what's wrong with that he's like my wife gave it to me my wife gave it to me as
a gift dude i didn't
want to do it but no i i get that i'm gonna tell her i drank it how are you
gonna sleep you need
to drink tart cherry cherry juice i'm gonna tell her i drank it yeah you guzzled
it on a hunting
expedition yeah i got attacked by a fucking wolf that was there's war out there
that'll get you
is it really yeah there's all types of creatures that'll eat you the forest was
scary dude i thought
you i thought it was a free-for-all for real dude of course not sean don't
fucking laugh yeah sean
it's not fucking funny you guys it's all game to you guys but to me it's a true
dynasty it's a
medieval dynasty my son matthew will rise and he's gonna take over the big town
when i'm i'm gonna
raise the force that'll be nice yeah that place will be crazy i go in there if
you don't shower if
you don't get in the water for a while you stink and nobody will talk to you
they treat me like a
real outcast in there i like i like how you courted your wife every morning i
woke up sprinted across
the river and was like hello i love you and then you have to wait the next day
to be able to talk
to her again the days are long too long as fuck days like when you planted
those apple trees i'm
like bro this is gonna be i'm gonna check back in in the spring literally it's
insane how i've and
also i get excited for my harvest yeah so i'm like all right i'll stay up until
the fall
it just takes fucking six more hours oh it was it was a real it was a sad
moment seeing the clock
it hit it was 355 and i was like this is something's wrong it's so funny waking
up for a high power
meeting it's been like a high power meeting i was gathering fucking bryce harper
jersey
unbuttoned i was like what's up guys yeah oh that's all the game i think it
worked i think that my
demeanor in the meeting i think so was appreciated as i i would venture to
guess that you might have
been the first person to ever yes zoom into the meeting hung over from medieval
medieval conquest
for sure nobody that's been hung over from medieval dynasty has ever had a
power and come clean
say fellas i'm gonna come clean to you guys i was i mean i'm building something
special yeah you guys
have your thing going on we can talk about that but let me just tell you about
it in hindsight i
should have just been like yo i got fucked up with jelly roll last night i
thought it was less
embarrassing to be like i was playing a video game it turns out it's way more
embarrassing it's so funny
yeah it's so especially when you're sitting there you're like what the fuck's
going on like dude i'm
full full honesty i was up all night playing fucking medieval rpg it's like oh
man i can't be mad
yeah it was nice i think they respected that though you have to and also i was
probably
dripping medieval fucking swag that's that's probably like this guy is gonna be
something
special you might have hit him with a good day you don't even know it i have
been yeah my lord
excuse me my lord excuse my indolence my lord forgive me i threw a snowball at
the king dude don't
talk about that i know he might get me yeah he wasn't looking threw a snowball
at him ran ran out of
the fort back to my fucking side of the river
you're crazy for bringing that up
i can't believe you threw a snowball at the fucking king all right i thought
something bad was gonna
happen nothing i mean dude maybe next time i see him it's on site but you
talked to his son you
think he would told the wicked prince the prince is a dick too by the way he is
i didn't like his
fucking vibe at all but he talked to the prince is just walking around the
apple which are by the
road is a mistake why they're gonna steal that from me they're not gonna take
who's gonna take your
apples just any traveler they're gonna go oh here's some apples oh dude you can
not they might yeah
after you make an example out of the first guy true told you have some guards
your your plan was
he said my wife was gonna get sexually assaulted by highwaymen he thinks it's a
funny fun thing to
joke about her i to