Name: Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)
Uploaded: 2025-10-15T12:00:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-15. Transcript available.

Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)

wild wild west maybe i'm allergic to alternaria
outbreak fucking bullshit all right hey whoa fucking alternaria i hope i don't
know what
that is do you know dust mites when you're allergic to dust mites are actually
allergic
to their poop that's what gets you they're never even considered their poop not
to me either i
actually have a dust mite allergy and it's the i was breathing in their poop
that was getting me
i didn't know bugs pooped yeah they poop yeah everything everybody pooped bro
they do eat
yeah yeah if you eat you poop now what were you saying about trump
old liberal ass you ass i'm trying to be peaceful he brought peace to the
middle east dude you gotta
you gotta give the man his props he's hot dogging dude is he hot dog right now
uh i've i've i've
saw the articles i haven't seen his talks he's a hot dog i saw him call that
lady beautiful that was
yeah that's just part of it he's like yo what's up we got bad behind me if you
don't mind me saying
you're a bad anyway suck my dick everybody i knew i could do it and every other
world leader is like
it yeah he did it he did it i mean i always said before that'd be nice if we
just tricked all the
billionaires into being like dude if you like you know who's the best if you
really truly give away
like a billion bucks you're the man they're like i'll do that yeah yeah trump
being like you won't bring
peace the middle east you pussy he's like watch me bitch for real it's kind of
nice he's yeah he's
also i mean he's putting out great clips this week is he i mean yeah it's well
he's feeling good
everybody's kind the media is kind of on it like they're like we got to give
you credit for this and
he's like yeah that's what the i thought but there's one they're like uh
because he had mentioned before about if he can do this he might be able to get
into heaven did you hear that one
and then there's a there's a reporter this time on air force one was like do
you think you're gonna get
into heaven now and he was like nah i don't think i'm ever getting into heaven
but dang it's just a
beast yeah that's so funny he's like i mean i don't think i'm ever gonna get
into heaven but i'm just
gonna try to help as many people as i can it was like don you have no idea how
christ like that actually
was yeah true that's the actual message that's true you accidentally stumbled
upon the real message
damn how many people have christ deported what how many people has christ deported
a bunch of jews at
the temple when he was mad yeah that one time per capita he deported a lot yeah
yeah you can't even give him his flowers for 10 seconds i gave him his flowers
i've been giving
him his flowers all week but it's it's all right bring the government back how
do you think about
how do you feel about the national guard didn't the dems shut it down no the
gym the dems can't shut
it down what do you mean they don't have enough power to shut down the
government yeah it's a pub
shutdown is it a pub shutdown the pub they still control all the seats it shuts
down constantly
the government shut down and nobody cares it's like because it shut down 50
times it never
affects because i don't work for the government yeah if i work for the
government i'd be like
like my job's closed right now i don't work for the government so when it shuts
down i'm like what
am i not going to get parking tickets good i don't care if the government shuts
down sorry i'll tell
you what when it does affect me is uh when there's no flyover at the Oklahoma
Texas game okay that's
fucking bullshit and there was supposed to be a flyover at the Notre Dame game
that's
fucking bullshit i think f-35s i was excited about that they for real canceled
it because the government
shut down no flyovers i think somebody said that trump uh trump explain
yourself
fucking middle east dude give me some flyovers can we have flown one plane to
the middle east and
over the stadium can you see if i'm right about the government the government
shutdown affecting my
college football flyovers mate was so hyped for that too
yeah there's nothing better yeah there's nothing better i'm sorry for real i'm
really sorry that's
fucking bullshit oh yeah jinx
government shutdown takes away flyovers you can't have this yes it can affect
military flyovers at
sporting events did chuck schumer have anything to do with this shutdown i
looked that up too this says
it was uh they basically blamed both parties on this one but it goes back and
forth all right if that was a
liberal rag i'm sure it just means it was the left you can't blame the dumbs
they don't have like enough
well they motioned for something in congress and then that led to a shutdown
and the pubs did the
same thing so it was kind of like you know we're completely forgetting about
the list he brought peace
to the middle east and we forget about the damn list yeah i mean dude it's
still bad although
it's good he brought peace to the middle east it's withstanding you know yeah
the scales of justice
are tipping in his side you get a little six seven there that's how old the
kids were yeah
at what point do you say like man all right well
never we'll erase you off there we'll let you erase yourself off there
i still need the list but shout out shout out to peace in the middle east for
now shout out to peace
yeah bill clinton came out it was like nice nice work and trump was like dude
bill's the man
not a good thing to say during the list i don't want to send his wife to jail
anymore
dude yeah the uh it i i know a lot of like the people i don't i don't even know
what it's called
his doj or ddoj have been getting press because didn't they're like alleging
that someone the trump
administration basically was like let me know if my name comes up in that thing
and they'll ask them
point blank and they'll be like i'm not playing these stupid games with you
guys
cash would tell that you guys can play games all day but what about the
crime in the cities of democrat mayors how about that i'm gonna be talking
about it honestly it's
like talking to my dad just answer the question go home and go dad trump's a
pervert yeah all
right well why don't you go hang out in chicago tell me how that goes
democrat bullshit all right my brother's been calling my parents dams it's been
pissing them off
yeah he goes dude how about you get some americans in here you guys because
they're like busting his
balls about he goes you guys are damn man classy oh you think you think i'm a
damn my dad gets so
mad it is insulting it kills him dude i've that kid at florida state said i
looked like i voted for
biden a while ago and it's stuck with me yeah it's been four years i was trying
to parallel yeah it's a
killer yeah he was on a balcony bro the what he was a frat kid from florida
state on the balcony
and he yelled down at us i got i got demmed by a tow truck driver which at
least is a little better
but i was trying to parallel park and it wasn't fast enough for him he's like
driving like a
fucking democrat and zoomed off and i was like i gotta be honest damn a working
collar or a blue
collar man that hurts yeah it hurt me man i had like a just a fracking that's
what i'm saying that's
you could take that although that kind of hurts even more yeah that hurts more
too then you're like i'm a
the tow truck driver i was like you got me bro you're lucky i'll come up there
and beat your ass
yeah i'm not i don't i'm like terrible like go get your car back from one of
those places
yeah it's all just tinted out glass junkyard by the yeah dude it's like yeah
there's just guys on
meth fighting over junk cars i'm like you guys whatever you say yes yes sir
college kid you would
kick it around being like i should have punched him in his yeah but he was he
was at a party up on a
balcony ah it's like dude what do you want me like i'll come up there and get
my ass kicked by 20 hot guys
throwing so you should have thrown something throwing something out too high
would have been
oh you would have missed would have been short you would have been like classic
biden voter
it would have been short forget it that would have been brutal dude way worse
just having a beer
bottle fall down back towards you like 20 feet in the air max
slips out the back of your head look like kirk ring from the phillies trying to
get it home
it's just a girl throw for no reason it's an mlb pitcher why did it look like a
girl throw
damn dude that was a tough uh philly week yeah yeah that sucked yeah but that
longhorn sooner game
was very fun oh yeah yeah you guys uh longhorn fans now yeah shout out you got
to pick a college
team eventually yeah i think i can't go to i can't go bama and long can't go bama
bama was fun such
a bitch are they both in the sec though yeah you got to pick one same division
you guys hate me dude
bam is a crazy pick my real friends pick notre dame how they do this week by
the way they're still
rolling bro they want this is a big one this week though usc the trojans the
trojans are coming to
town i don't like the irish guy what you don't like the left so all-time
classic logo everybody likes
that makes it a little tough for me too the fighting irish go i gotta say go iris
all the time
so you pick the two most racist schools
no name beat up the clan and marched with dr dr king come on man side by side
arms locked with dr king
yeah but do they have bevo you guys got a bevo no we did have a little tiny dog
named clashmore mike
i don't know how there's still so much to learn about notre dame i thought i
knew all this stuff
i didn't know they had a tiny dog named clash warm like as old as the country
it's really i mean 100
years later but yeah yeah true it's from the 1800s dang yeah there's a lot of
history damn so
football there was they were pre-existed football they were there before
football yeah that's crazy yeah
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but alabama that's a crazy pick bro he picked yeah and they were the best in
the world at the time
well that's the real reason why i don't want to do it the only reason i picked
him i don't follow
college at all but we went to two games and they were i mean it was hype as
hell it was a good time
that that makes sense but yes uh not yesterday saturday was just as good though
like i can't i can't
i was trying very hard not to pick a side but that punt return and then they
were like fire the
cannon i got to fire the cannon after the yeah who let you fire the cannon all
of them what every
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