Name: Ep 585 - Son of a Governor
Uploaded: 2025-11-13T13:01:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 585 - Son of a Governor' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 585 - Son of a Governor' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-13. Transcript available.

Ep 585 - Son of a Governor

the wild wild west yes hello hey what's up dude nothing dude can we all make an
agreement just to
like grow all of our hair together damn i look fucking crazy you look so sick
dude if you went
full if you want like val kilmer it wouldn't be valid i'm bald up front dude i
could get a
tony soprano i could go slick back i'd go bald slick back that'd be nice all
right when i get
out of the shower i do it yeah you slick it up i go oh that doesn't look so bad
yeah i'm telling
you a slick back is charles my daddy it looks good a lot of people would like
it yeah like a one of
those dressy kind of but then i'm naked and i see my tina's and i go i'll never
be tony i'm always
gonna be aj with this fucking god damn it i'm always gonna be a tiny tina's man
i think i guess
tony definitely had the tony at a hog dude yeah true that'd be funny if that
was like the real thing
the real finale of the whole season for the whole thing he goes into the bag oh
tony what the hell
he had a t-ness this whole time got a dick like an irish man you're not the
boss anymore
he just goes takes a pee and looks at his pants and just shows the screen goes
black don't stop
yeah no way tony's got a fat fucking dick yeah tony had a fat hog you could
tell yeah for sure you
could tell he was a boss he's the boss obviously you have a fat dong he's
obviously the boss tall
guys naturally the boss i was researching that this week dude tall guys make
more than short guys
like 150 000 more of a 30-year period average they just get paid more money
sick you just see a tall
guy you go yeah you're the boss there's something inside of all of us that go
tall guys get paid the
most yeah that's why they got george washington yeah he couldn't he didn't even
speak and they were
like dude you're president yeah man he didn't talk at the fucking first
continental congress no he's
just tall as hell they're just like dude you gotta be he did wear his military
uniform so everyone's
like yeah that's kind of boss everyone else is dressed like quaker oats guy oh
kind of gay
high socks and shit he rolled up he rolled up what's up man full military what
did he just been
involved in before that he was in the french anymore french and yeah i thought
i thought it was some
french stuff i mean he was trying to become uh a british officer he just kept
getting passed up
because he was an american well he like slowly so he was like an og american
yeah and he slowly
started to resent them going like damn dude who are you guys discriminate why
you never hear about
his parents you never hear about george washington's daddy or mommy that's true
you know what i'm
saying yeah i don't know martha i think they gay i think he was the heir to
mount vernon i could be
wrong i never heard about his parents man so they must have been british yeah
and he was one of the
yeah he's like the original american he's the ultimate patriot i think he was
born in virginia what
augustine washington yeah because i know his family wait his dad might have
been born in virginia
what damn his dad got wow his dad was born in 1694 in virginia whoa damn that's
crazy
washington rules because i feel like the like that's getting close to the point
where they
just like in the very beginning they just threw a bunch of criminals here yeah
we're like yo
fucking figure it out so his daddy was either the governor i'm not sure
governor he's he might
have been the son of a governor son of a governor because it'd be like one
governor you would come
here in like the 1600s and you'd be the governor and you're all your whole town
would be shitty
criminals yeah it'd be a bunch of wooden pikes like you had the one house and
everyone's in mud dying
yeah we need more fucking poor guys from england yeah really they sent them
prostitutes no he's just a
planter and merchant whoa okay planter is a nice way to say it a planter yeah
that's just a lowly
planter well that's good i wonder if he had any help because i know the washington
i think he had some help
i think he went to zip recruiter
the powerful technology made them an excellent match i think he went to ziprecruiter.com
and found some matches across the pond damn well again aside from that shout
out george washington
leading this country to independence shame on him for what he did elsewise you
know having his slaves
whatever i would have went back in time well if you had to go back in time
honestly
whatever dude
i guess no one's ever asked the question you guys don't have to answer this but
no one's ever asked
anyone if you had a time machine would you go back in time and stop slavery or
would you
stop hitler it's a tough choice you do both how so
what the hell what do you have a one-time technology doesn't even exist one-time
use dude
it's one-time you gotta have it's a throwaway it's a throwaway throwaway time
yeah you gotta
find another one disposable time no there's just no way back out you gotta stay
back at whatever time
it is what am i doing i how the fuck do you stop slavery i guess you have to go
to the dawn of time
yeah it started at like yeah okay beginning you can stop it in america or stop
hitler
i don't know i know it's tough no one wants to answer a question on record it's
kind of you know
no you're not gonna make any friends the worst part i think i think yeah i
think we know the worst
part of the answer though is like say you say slavery right and then uh but
then you think about
like well will america exist oh god yes obviously yes is it is it yes obviously
yes no you're saying
like it's just you think it's that simple would we exist we would exist hey
matt
this place we'd have we'd have more time machines this place
this place we'd be we'd have flying cars guys forget to ask this question it's
a bad question
all right we'd be living on mars by now that's a great question free that was
free labor it was
helping us grow economy wise economy wise i'm putting the mic down no no no no
no i need you
we'll never know i feel like an idiot for asking all right
no that's a great question we'll never know guys we'll never ever know yeah you
know it happened
all right it happened a lot of bad stuff happened all right so just look let's
just have fun let's
let's go on to more light-hearted yeah let's forget about oh no we'll never don't
forget about
never forget about let's let's conversationally let's move past this subject
yeah
yeah the classic which one's worse yeah that's good good start to the day
not which one's worse which is your personal preference everyone has personal
preferences
oh you say which one do you prefer you're saying you have to stop one you don't
want to stop either
you have to stop what would you be better suited to stop you might be like you
might put me in a
time machine to stop the nazis and i might be like oh i don't speak this
language what the hell
they're talking about i can't tell who's who you know i would like to make
myself the most useful
i think yeah now if you're putting it that way yes i think i could go back to
the
the beginning of america yeah and just run shit exactly but if i went to nazi
germany they'd be like
get them out of here yeah i'm gonna i'm telling the difference between german
jews and germans i'm
going i don't know who the hell yeah like this philly jersey if i was wearing
this way back they'd be
like oh wow holy shit how'd he get blue yeah true if i wore this in nazi germany
they'd go
get him out of here yeah yeah i'd be i might be one of the bros well you'd have
to put on that suit
you show me before we did the podcast what you have to put on all your my memorabilia
i don't have any memorabilia remember that military shirt dude people will
believe that 100 people
will believe that did i tell you after the show in florida someone handed me a
penny and they i
didn't know what they said they said it has the and they like heart or
something i'm going what he
leaves i flip it out it's a fucking swastika oh shit he gave you a swastika
penny swastika penny
i gave it to my wife i said here babe here's a swastika penny what the fuck i
just did florida
here's a swastika now ah never mind so i'm projecting because i have i was
gonna be real
anti-semitic that's a nasty prank i would like to apologize no i i would all
right this is i would
like to apologize you did this you know i can't stop i like to apologize
because i was projecting
on you because i have yeah you have memorabilia people got really upset when i
said i wanted to
buy a hitler autograph i don't fucking see i really don't see the problem when
did you say that i said
like 10 times i said it on here i said it on rogan it's a fucking historically
it's a sick that's what
i mean yeah dude don't that's crazy people are just jealous of your hitler
autograph i'd get a
solid autograph i'd get a yeah that's that's actually pretty cool yeah and that's
crazy to
conflate the two things being like i have oj simpson shit no one gives a fuck i
know that was just one
lady uh allegedly yeah i don't know you can get a bad guy's autograph i think
so i don't fucking say
i like this exactly you go but look at this this is crazy you put in your
basement yeah
there's nothing else in your basement it's just a spotlight on a fucking
anytime i have a first date i go i want to show you something
take her down to the basement we go what do you think that
a long enough reads you turn off the lasered grid of security try to read that
oh boy well look that's all my fault i apologize for this topic it was a
terrible way to start
this episode is brought to you by aura frames the part the best part of the
holidays aside from the
great food and the gifts because be honest we all love a good gift love a good
gift is getting to spend
time with everyone with everyone getting to spend time with everyone i love i
love spending time with
you oh and i want this our time together to be so special true dude the holiday
season the way i
make you feel special dude around the holidays an aura frame i sent matt an
aura frame stocked with
photos of he and i it's awesome and you know the perfect gift this year that
could be for you to
share those moments give the gifts of togetherness with aura frames it's a
digital picture frame that can
hold those memories and get make them come alive again i'd like to come alive i
would love that
you can add as many photos or short videos as you want all you need is your app
and a wi-fi
connection dang so as you keep making memories you can add to the frame you
know what i'd add what's
that this memory right now a picture of this yeah of us doing an ad read take a
picture and put it up
there going yeah just be just a drop in the sea of many memories that we have
yes the high resolution
photos you know what makes me the most hard is the high resolution photos look
like real prints and
they really help you relive the moment and you can try interacting with the
photo right there so
you know you can get any photos you want on there brief message like congrats
uh when all they want
for christmas is you and everyone together give them aura frames for a limited
time oh my god let's get a
picture of that oh my god for a limited time visit aura frames.com and get 45
off of our best-selling
carver matt frames uh name number one by wire cutter that's huge by using promo
code mssp at checkout
that's aura frames.com promo code mssp this exclusive black friday black friday
cyber monday deal
is their best of the year so order it now before it ends support the show by
mentioning us at checkout
terms and conditions apply i don't think you got out of that yeah that happens
how was you how was
snl oh it was sick yeah we haven't done yeah fuck yeah i was going around dude
i had to travel a lot
kind of sucked i'd go new york to la to san francisco sacramento yeah dang that's
it was a lot but no
coast to coast is snl fucking ruled especially because all i had to do was the
opening yeah it was
great all the fun yeah that's pretty also they write all the jokes yeah i