Name: Ep 591 - M-A DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS (Mall)
Uploaded: 2025-12-23T13:01:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 591 - M-A DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS (Mall)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 591 - M-A DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS (Mall)' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-23. Transcript available.

Ep 591 - M-A DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS (Mall)

the wild wild west all right here we go yo speaking of hot mics got all that
venom out
yeah true speaking uh there was a there was a principal at uh some school in
delaware county
that was leaving a voicemail for a parent and he didn't realize the thing was
still going
and just kind of like he got in trouble because it was a jewish parent
and he was uh after like he thought he'd hung up i think someone was like who
was that he goes this
guy he's a fucking asshole he's like a big hothead i think he mentioned he's
like some jewish guy
he's like he always wears fucking sweatpants all the time he comes in here oh
my god wearing
sweatpants and the lady goes what does he do for a living he goes i don't know
controls all the banks
or whatever and they put that this guy's funny as shit the comments were half
split between like
this man is a scumbag needs to be removed and people being like i'm signing my
kids up for this
that is like that's like the worst nightmare i know especially if somebody was
like not really
bashing you yeah you know what i mean if you like overheard a voicemail they're
like dude he
just wears sweatpants all the time he kind of like smells like he's like nice
but he's like just a gross
he'd have been totally fine if he didn't do the i don't know probably controls
the banks or whatever
i mean he had to hit that home run dude there's nothing he can do about it
somebody lobbed one
right across the plate he's the principal bro he's gonna have to become a gym
teacher now
he's gonna promote him to gym teacher gym teacher will be good though five
years that's that's
your energy that is gym teacher he should be a gym teacher principal's crazy
for that type of thing
yeah true yeah but yeah he got busted uh but yeah you know whatever that's what
you always got to hang
up before you talk shop about the jews at work yeah if you decide yeah and then
a lady too it's just
like a total delco lady like what does he do what is it just firing away the
probably controls the
banks or something all right so that was a fun um that was a fun thing to see
that's great yeah i
thought it was funny it was a funny it's without a doubt funny i i guess he's
gonna get fired he has
to get fired there's no way he's out i believe he's out on the main line he
might be chester county
boy oh if he's mainline that's trouble yellow yeah that's literally the home of
yeah that's bb
that's where bb's from bb's chilling out there true he's all down dude i'm
surprised yeah you can't
have a gooey principal popping off like that fuck no you can't have the gooey
pop it on the voice dude i
don't like leaving voicemails like yeah at all the thought of having it run
unnecessarily long
i listen to everybody when some when people call me and it stays on i listen to
the whole thing i go
i know this motherfucker's talking shit i know it's my mom someone like no just
like i know they're
saying something fucked up about me i always spy like that if someone calls me
doesn't realize or
just i'll sit there for an hour and just wait get some stuff i dude i was
usually just in their
pocket you can't really hear anything yeah true you just you don't get much
good stuff i was phone
screen i'll be honest this isn't good but i was on the plane yesterday phone
screen spying so hard not
to bro i was catching like crazy shit on this screen next to me so it was like
i don't want to say but
it was what was he hitting sexual stuff love stuff yeah some nice sex stuff
that happens up there yeah
it's kind of nice you get up in the sky it's yeah man was horned up but uh yeah
it was pretty tight
so i was like kind of just like i like caught one thing i went what the fuck
and then i kept
looking over and i was watching him go back and forth between like some lady
and then there's a
guy asking about some lady it was like this guy's having fun dude was being a
beast yeah he was an
older gentleman too i was surprised it was a big font were you able to see it i
could see it i could
i could read everything and i was just i would stare straight ahead and just
literally just go
oh he's next to you yeah oh i thought he was in front dude i was i was going i
was going next to
me i know i thought at one point i was ready for him to one point to be like
could you fucking not
please because i just kept being like
but you're not very sly either you're not slick dude you were definitely like
dude i literally i was hitting with the haunted mansion painting
i couldn't stop once i caught one juicy detail i went you're gonna need the deets
dude it was yeah
it was pretty sweet man i was loving that i also i had a nice flight on the way
home i got a million
good boy points because we got on the plane and uh i put an old lady's bag up
for her so i'm like
all right cool so that's good boy points for the day and then i sat across from
her and then a mom
and daughter got on and the mom sat next to me and the daughter sat over and
they were kind of like
talking i was like do you guys want to swap seats sorry i'm sorry i'm just
thinking there's so many
because i get fucking hammered on these flights i try to get the good boy
points i've smashed people
with bags you got the blue one's yours i got you hit some lady in the shoulder
that's sitting down like
oh my god i'm so sorry they all watched me get 10 fucking vodkas the entire
flight
sorry all right no you gotta get the gbps all the fuck i try to get the gbps
but sometimes there's too
many vodkas no but an accidental smasher the bag is totally i've done it i'm
not kidding at least
four times just full just like a dead weight a bag onto somebody they got
negative 500 gbps
flying out it was it was it wasn't it wasn't his fault i had kind of set him up
but the whole
well the long story short is the lady i just kind of switched seats and i sat
next to the old lady
who's bag of help get up dude for like five minutes you're such a nice boy and
i was like
thank you oh man it was the best it was amazing i'm sorry one more i'm thinking
of the worst gbp
i've ever seen at the airport my uncle i've told this story before it kills me
i love thinking about
we just land we're in uh jfk and sudden this lady tried to pick up her suitcase
a girl tried to pick up
her suitcase but it was stuck and my uncle thought she just couldn't lift it so
he goes and literally
fucking deadlifts this thing and just rips it apart at the seams and her
fucking laundry her panties go
everywhere and then he just walked back and stood next to me like oh shit and
then you watch it come
back around to the lady and her bag just got ripped apart anyway it was great
it was so fun to watch him
do it oh shit anyway i'll stop cutting you off no that's hilarious it's just
immediately in my head
just coming back coming back and going oh fuck man i just ripped that lady's
bag in half
he did dude i don't know how he did it shout out to him that's awesome yeah he's
a beast what a
fucking animal man i don't know why he did it though i know because every time
if a woman's struggling
it's the best thing in the world it is but gotcha no what i'm saying like you
feel a little like all
this thing's clearly stuck he must have thought the bag was 800 pounds i think
he just i've done that
he probably went up and was like full steam ahead he might have just been like
why because i'll do
that every now and again when i'm like grabbing my bag down i'll like one hand
it and pull it down so
sometimes you pull with like too much force when you hit people yeah true yeah
or the baggage claim
when i'm there and i get a bag i'll try to really like just beast it that's
strong boy there's a lot
of gps and strong strong points at the baggage claim is you're gonna want to
but it because it's
always you're so nervous like dude i gotta get this thing quick it's moving it's
moving a little
fast yep this thing's heavy as hell yeah it's not ever you go up and fucking
lift it over your head
like a fucking i get this true well the problem is though i'll fly when me and
britney fly with the
kids we'll do one combined suitcase so both of our stuff's in there dude it
weighs like 65 pounds so
that thing can get kind of beefy but yeah usually it's my yeah if it's just
yours it's not that heavy
but nate got negative 500 good boy points at the airport it wasn't it wasn't
your fault we so we we
go in there first of all we were flying out nate was he was running a little
late and the airport was
slammed so he almost missed the flight which that's not that's not your fault
that's not you know they
were i think they were racist against nate they wouldn't let him in the
priority lane he had he
had priority but it wasn't on the boarding pass so he went up i might just go
through priority it'll
be faster they're like no and then he tried to go to clear nothing doing back
to priority they're like
no and then he i was like dude we're gonna board in like five minutes he just
beasted under the line
snuck in cut it was like a sneak in cut which is that got right through he had
to do that
why are you making that face that was survival that was yeah i had no choice if
i if i saw that if i was
standing in line and just saw that three weeks of racism three weeks i saw
people three weeks straight
of racism people peeking out the clear line were hitting that like no he's not
i could
see him behind me like watching me get through successfully like gosh although
you had to do it i
i had no it was it was survival all those clear scumbags looking at you i don't
know why i hate
clear so i might be a pre i used to be clear and now i've switched up on them
yep you had to pre-check
also the clear would set you up for failure big time yeah man you hit clear at
jfk you got to walk past
a thousand indians that are in line that i they don't know what clear is they
get furious oh they get
in and then they get stopped in the line and then you're going through clear
and somebody's just
going like get out of the way you got to walk through their line yeah and they're
like no they
try to stop you and you're like dude get off get out of here here we go this
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yes yeah dude so he goes he gets through he you know he beats his way through i
was like good job on that
but then i had already been in there and dude the airport was fucking mobbed so
i go in and i'm at like
the very very far end of the airport i get like 36 or it's just like there's
nowhere to be and i'm like
fuck man you know it was like we're about to board and i'm like i'm gonna get i
wanted to get on first
because we had a connection and i was in gr