Name: Jay Mohr Can't Stop Talking About Norm Macdonald
Uploaded: 2020-07-16T16:59:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Mohr Can't Stop Talking About Norm Macdonald' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Mohr Can't Stop Talking About Norm Macdonald' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-16. Transcript available.

Jay Mohr Can't Stop Talking About Norm Macdonald

Hey, Han. I got a great Norm one for you that I heard. They told me I was just
at Governor's.
Did you say it?
Yeah, Norm goes, this is Norm MacDonald. This is an actual joke of Norm MacDonald.
It's not mine.
I'm not doing Norm MacDonald's joke. I'm sharing how funny Norm MacDonald is
with the listeners.
He goes, abbreviations fascinate me, you know. What I really like is ID.
Hey, Gary, Louis Goleman, you got any ID? That's a great abbreviation, you know,
because I, you know the letter I, that stands for I.
You know, then the D, that stands for dentification. What the H?
I think the D is doing all the heavy lifting there, you know.
That's an abbreviation for one of them, you know.
But put that joke in somebody else's hands and it's corny and tacky.
Norm MacDonald was just on David Letterman.
I heard he cried. He was so upset.
He cried and it was like really like beautiful.
Yeah.
But he had a great joke about like, I don't know if you guys are here.
He goes, I got no problem with, you know, North Korea.
I never lay in bed.
They try to scare you on the news, you know.
But I never woke up like, ah, North Korea.
I hope they don't get me, you know.
And like nobody really laughed.
But did you hear Letterman like cackling in the background?
And you realize it's just a sick, with Norm, it's all, you are being fucking
played.
When you think he's bombing, it's all a big setup to the fucking, in a year, he's
going to have the perfect special ever.
You might as well sit with Norm and just keep a smile on your face because you
don't know where you are in the joke.
He goes, ah, I'm not afraid of Iran, you know, Iraq, North Korea, you know.
I'll tell you a country I don't like.
It's Germany.
I don't know if you guys are history buffs.
But at the beginning of our last century, Germany decided to have a war against
the world.
And what's weird is it was close.
You'd think it'd be like a five-minute war, you know.
But it was actually, it was almost tied.
And about 50 years go by, and Germany goes, hey, let's have another war against
the world.
And they almost won that one, too.
He goes, you would think everybody in the world would go, hey, Germany, we're
not going to let you have a country.
We're not going to let you have a country anymore.
Who are you, Mars?
It's just fucking, I just love, it was, you would think it'd be over five
minutes, but it was, it was close.
Did you hear him talking on the Russell Brand podcast with him and Russell
Brand when he was talking about how he was at the party or when he played the
White House Correspondents' Dinner?
Yeah.
And Larry Flint said, I'll take care of you.
Right?
I'll take care of you.
And he goes, when a guy, when a guy says, I'll take care of you, you know, you
think you're going to go.
You're going to get, like, if he owns a grocery store, you think you're going
to get some vegetables.
But Larry Flint, you know, you think you're going to get some crazy, kooky girl,
and you're going to get to have sex with her.
And then Larry Flint's going to come in in his wheelchair just whacking off.
But he does, like, an impression.
The guy jacking off.
Larry Flint.
That was an amazing experience, watching Russell Brand and Norm MacDonald.
Because in my opinion, I think you and I are kind of together on this, two of
the most beautiful human beings, comedically, aesthetically, just to look at.
Like, you just look at Norm, you kind of can't stop looking at him.
Like, people go, like, hey, Norm.
Like, if you look at Norm MacDonald, if I told you, if I just showed you a
photo of Norm MacDonald, you'd know who he was.
And I'm like, oh, this, you don't remember this guy from the Cary Grant movies?
You wouldn't go, like, no, what, like, he's gorgeous.
And, like, Russell Brand, people, like, write him off.
Norm, on his videocast, he's got this running thing where he'll, like, explain,
like, a serial killer.
And he just draws everybody in.
And it's not until you see, like, two years.
It's like a joke for him and Adam Egot.
And it's like, hey, this guy, you know, in Ontario, I'm an old chunk of coal,
Anthony, but there was a man murdered his entire family.
And when the police got to him, his wife's innards were soup, like a stew.
He was eating his bride, you know.
And then he winds up killing a few policemen and takes a few children.
And there's a crawl space.
I know what this crawl space is.
That's right.
I mean, this guy sounds like a real jerk.
That's the whole punchline.
Yeah.
But it goes on for, like, eight minutes just so he can go.
I mean, this guy sounds like a real jerk.
But we all had to pitch to Lorne.
And then I realized early that I would blow.
I would pitch all, like, my real ideas.
And, like, I wanted to impress everybody.
And I would give, like, and then this happens.
And then this is the joke.
And the big twist is this.
So then when it got to the table for table read in front of, like, 40 people,
no one laughed
because I did the sketch in the room.
And then I realized, like, a couple months in, there was the art of the fake
pitch.
And, like, Kevin Nealon and Norm Macdonald, it was, like, a contest every week
to see who
could come up with the fucking weirdest fake pitch that the host believed was
actually happening.
And the rest of the room knew, we all knew it wasn't, Lorne knew it wasn't.
That's awesome.
But I remember, like, Kevin Nealon every week would do two fake pitches and go,
also, I have
this idea where you live at the top of one of those runaway truck ramps, you
know, in your
house all the way up there.
And just, yeah, it's like dinner time.
A truck comes flying through your house, man.
And the host would go, yeah, this is funny.
I mean, but every week.
And we would all just be laughing so hard.
And the host is looking around like, yeah, that is funny, right?
But we're laughing because the host is a fucking moron.
And then Norm, I remember, it was Bob Newhart goes, I got this idea.
People always confuse literally and figuratively.
A guy will go, hey, how was that movie you just saw, you know?
Oh, my God.
It was so funny.
I literally laughed my head off.
You know, because he's got a head still.
And Bob Newhart just stared at Norm like, that's the stupidest shit I ever
heard.
And then Norm, like a dog with a chew toy, was like, I'm not leaving this room
until, like,
they fucking locked the doors like a prison movie.
He's going to break them?
Yeah.
And he goes, or you go, hey, how's your wife?
Well, she literally died when she got your message.
She literally dropped dead right there on the floor.
She's died.
She literally died.
And, like, he's moving, like, closer.
Did Newhart break at a certain point?
Yeah, eventually.
He's just fucking, well.
And then that week, Norm did a sketch where he was Charles Kuralt.
And he was the only, it was just Charles Kuralt alone talking to camera.
And we're all, like, in full Charles Kuralt makeup, unrecognizable.
And you're like, how the fuck do you, like, his fake sketches were better than
anything I ever actually got on air.
He's amazing, isn't he?
He's an amazing guy.
He is amazing.
He's a super funny guy.
And his comedy, I heard for, like, two years, I'd go to a comedy club and they'd
go, yeah, Norm was here last week.
It was pretty fucking weird, dude.
And I'm like, what?
And my wife and I would, like, go, like, what's going on with, like, I hope he's
okay, you know?
And then you see his Comedy Central special.
Perfect.
Right, right.
So the joke's on everybody across the country.
Like, yeah, he was really weird.
He's got these other guys following him.
Like, weird.
Like, weird.
Everyone, every town had a different, like, I think he was super high.
And another town's like, he really gambled.
And another town, he came in with 19 men.
Like, weird, like, that strange.
Like, he made his, like, he had to be bathed or he wanted something for his
feet.
And then just, you know, you see his Comedy Central special.
Perfect.
My father died.
My grandfather died.
My great-grandfather died.
Best of my knowledge.
He's dead, you know.
I come from a long line of death.
And you're just like, this is perfect comedy.
So, however it works for you, I guess.
Yeah, yeah.
The best sketch that never got on the air in my entire time at Saturday Night
Live, which
is only 40 episodes, was Norm MacDonald's game show, Name Two.
Hey, Jimmy.
Steve Allen is in the Guinness Book of World Records.
We're writing over 4,000 songs for that new car.
Name Two.
Name Two of who?
Steve Allen.
Now, Kate Bush is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ballot, you know.
For being a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame worthy lady, she's written over 600
songs.
Name Two.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Name Two.
What a great fucking sketch.
That's a great sketch.
Why didn't it get on?
I'll read your book.
Who knows?
I don't know why.
I'll read your book.
I, honestly, I was driving from Quebec City back to Montreal, because when you
do that
festival, the Montreal festival, I would get too drunk, and I'm like, I need to
get out
of here.
I don't want to be the, I don't want to be the, no, I just don't want to be the
drunk
comedian anymore.
So I was like, I'm going to go to Quebec City during the day and have a day.
And I was driving back to Montreal to do shows that night, and I was listening
to Norm's
album just called Me Doing Stand Up, and I fucking had to pull over so I didn't
crash my car.
No room for improvement.
No, I almost crashed my car.
I was laughing so hard.
It's 16 ounces of water and like a 10 ounce glass.
Yeah.
And it never just, like, my grandfather died, my great grandfather died.
You know, my father goes on.
I come from a long line of death.
He's like, everybody's afraid of a terrorist.
Your heart is what's going to attack and kill you.
Your heart.
And the funniest joke is when he goes, the only way to stop your heart from
attacking you
is to attack your heart with a defibrillator.
We're not doing this justice at all.
It's funny because, like, people that don't just get it, you're not going to
convince them.
No.
By sharing it.
You just got to listen to that album.
So funny.
What was it like?
Man, he lost his long battle with, uh, finally lost his battle.
Courageous battle with cancer.
Yeah.
All right.
But if he dies, the cancer dies.
That's a draw.
Yeah.
It's such a good.
Like, alcoholism is not a disease.
Like, my uncle's got bowel cancer.
I have searing, searing pain.
What are your symptoms?
Ah, you're real happy.
Sometimes I eat somebody else's disease and we fuck.
You heard it.
You had a great Norm story about taunting Chris.
What's his name?
I forgot his name.
Man, I'm old.
You can't think of names.
The guy, you have rage.
You have rage.
Because you're gay.
Chris Titus?
No, no.
On Saturday Night Live.
I don't know.
Chris Kattan?
Yeah.
Okay.
And he's, listen to his great story of doing Norm taunting Chris Kattan.
So your story is about another guy that has a story about a guy's own story.
That's really, that's what you're going out on.
That's your closer here.
I know.
I've been quoting something.
Hey, Jim told a story about Norm who had a story about Chris Kattan.
You should ask him about it.
That's your fucking big, that's your story.
Wow.
Yeah.
I don't have big endings, but yeah.
He, again, you know, you know, you know what I, you know what I get mad when
the people
are great.
Instead of going, Rob Bartlett's a great guy.
Wonderful, man.
Wonderful.
One of the nicest guys.
One of the hardest working, Rob Bartlett is in like the choir or of like in a
Broadway
show.
I'm going to get me on Imus without asking.
And then he does Don Imus.
Then he's trying to get me on Opie and Anthony without me asking.
Artie Lang.
What a sweet guy.
Artie, a legendary episode of this podcast was in my hotel room in New York
with Artie.
Oh, I listened to him.
They brought up pots of coffee and you could tell that the two addicts in the
room were.
My wife's just sitting there relaxing and smoking.
Artie and I are having like a coffee contest.
It wasn't until like six cu