Name: Norm Macdonald Shitting on Vegetarians
Uploaded: 2021-02-13T12:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Shitting on Vegetarians' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Shitting on Vegetarians' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-13. Transcript available.

It harkened me back listening to the beautiful speaking, like, you know,
because I remember that, you know, it's 8 o'clock, and do you know where your
children's at and stuff, and it harkened back to me, because a half hour
earlier, I was saying the same thing, I was in the restaurant, I was like, it's
7.30, man, anybody know where my pork chop is?
You ever try to get a pork chop at this joint?
I mean, do you always like pork?
You don't like pork?
Call yourself Americans?
But no, I had a pork, I had a nice, delicious piece of pork, a pork chop, you
know?
Pork, I don't know, I don't think it's that good for you, but I like it.
I'm pretty sure it's not good for you, because it's a pig, but I like it.
Anything with a snout, I don't think you're supposed to eat.
I think that may be in the scriptures, I'm not sure, but I recall something
about that.
My doctor has me on a snoutless diet right now.
He says, I gotta exercise every day, aerobics, and latissimus dorsi, all that
shit, you know?
Get my back and everything, and then no snouts.
But no, my friend, let me tell you something.
My friend, who is a vegetarian, she's a girl, you know, like all vegetarians
are.
And you don't mean a lot of dudes, you know?
But anyway, she was talking to me about the vegetarianism stuff, right?
Now, I, have you ever had this experience where you think something's right
your whole life, you know?
And then in a moment, in a flash, you realize you've been wrong about
everything you've ever believed ever.
Not everything, but that one thing.
By the way, if you ever wake up and you realize you've been wrong about
everything in your entire life,
that's not a good day then, you may as well.
You may as well go down to the rope store and buy yourself a length of rope.
Then you go down to the stool store, get yourself a nice stool.
Then you go over to the notepad store, you buy yourself a notepad.
You really, then you get a pen, you only really need four things.
Must be hard to write those notes.
You know what?
I'm supposed to write it on this little thing?
Everything that drove me to end my life?
So I can't, I don't know where to start.
But, what was I talking about?
Oh yeah, pork.
No, because my friend who's a vegetarian, this girl, she was telling me, you
know,
we always argue because she's a vegetarian and I am not a vegetarian.
And so she, you know, she has her opinions and I have my opinions.
And I realize that her opinions are actually stronger than my opinions.
Like she'll say to me, she goes, you can't eat, you know, animals because they're
God's creatures too.
You know what I mean?
And you shouldn't destroy another creature of our great God just so that you
could have a frivolous meal that would not be necessary.
You can't extinguish the life of a, you know.
And then I go, I like pork.
That's my opinion.
That's not a good argument at all.
So anyways, the upshot of it is that people can change, thank God, you know,
through the glory of God.
People can come to changes in life.
And I am now a vegetarian, so that's nice, you know.
Thank you very much.
I'm not a strict vegetarian.
I eat meat.
But I am a, I am a vegetarian.
But not a strict one.
I only eat meat.
You know what I don't like is vegetables.
I can't eat those.
I can't, I can't stand eating vegetables.
So in the strictest term, you know, strictest use of the word, you know, strict.
I'm not a strict vegetarian.
But you know what she does, my, my friend that is a vegetarian?
She makes this thing every Thanksgiving.
I don't know if you've ever eaten this.
It's called a tofur, tofur, tofur, it's a very, it's an unwieldy word.
No one likes to hear it.
But it's a, it's a turkey, but it's not really a turkey, you know.
Sounds like a turkey because it's got a lot of the same letters.
But what they do is they take tofu, you see,
and then they fashion it into the countenance of a turkey, you know.
Which doesn't fool me.
And also, I don't understand why she does it
on account of she's making it into the thing
that she doesn't want to eat in the first place.
You know, that seems...
I would not do that, you know.
Zuckerberg says he's only eating his own meat.
that he kills now.
Have you read that?
With his bare hands.
Yeah.
Zuckerberg says...
The kid's a monster.
He tries to do one thing to alter his modern lifestyle every year.
And this year, he says he's only going to eat meat
that he's actually killed.
And I was wondering, what are you adhering to?
Vegetarian.
Strict vegetarian.
No.
Have you done that?
Well, I eat chicken.
Well, it's not all that.
That's not vegetarian.
I'm not, as I said, I'm not strict.
I eat chicken and beef.
Steaks.
I eat raw game.
Did you ever eat chicken?
It's not dead yet.
No.
No, you're over there.
And you eat it.
And as you're eating it, their death throes are making you hungrier.
There's nothing.
That's better than a soybean.
Yeah, you're right.
What sounds better, that or soybean?
Listen, some of the best meals I've had is that Mongolian thing over at Dahmer's
on Wednesday.
Literally, we ate a Mongolian.
Did I tell you I ate a live fish in real life?
No.
No.
Yeah, I was at a sushi restaurant, and the guy's like Japanese.
And so I go, I eat just sashimi, like raw fish.
I don't eat with rice or anything like that.
Yeah.
Am I trying to impress him?
So he goes, you eat live fish?
I go, yeah.
Even though I don't.
You never think he's going to call you on it.
Yeah, and I go, plus it sounds kind of cool.
And he goes, I get you live fish.
I go, thanks, man.
Like I was an inside guy.
And then he brought out a fish and hit it and knocked it out and put it on a
stick.
It was live.
And that clears out a sushi bar.
A lot of people, the girl I was in was barfing in a bathroom.
And the only people interested was the guy, the Japanese sociopath guy.
And all the Mexican help, they were all like looking like I'd eat it.
And so I had to cut it.
And then they leave the fish that's on the skeleton that looks like the one Sylvester
found on a garbage thing.
To go, to move, it's moving and like a dead bobblehead.
And you had to put water in its mouth to keep it alive so you could watch it
die as you ate.
It was a nice meal.
Jesus.