Name: Norm Macdonald Taking a Stand Against Cannibalism
Uploaded: 2021-02-14T12:33:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Taking a Stand Against Cannibalism' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Taking a Stand Against Cannibalism' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-14. Transcript available.

I'm against cannibalism, you know, as you all know, as any of you know that
follow me on the Google space, WW, I have gone across this country with my anti-cannibal
stance, you know, talking to people from one side of this great nation to the
other.
Every year I put my toe on the Pacific and I travel this great land with my
anti-cannibal message, you know, mostly the young people. I try to educate the
young people.
You know, I go to the schools and I go, listen, listen, you might think that
you're going to be the cool guy because you need a dude friend of yours, you
know, and maybe you will for a couple of years, you know, maybe you'll be the
big man on campus.
Oh, that's Jim, he ate a fella.
But there's more to it than that.
I have, you know, I use my time for, you know what I do, I do a lot of charity
work for things that people, I don't like arguing with people, you know, when
they have another opinion than me.
So what I do is I pick very popular opinions and then I work for those people.
And what I was going to say was that as a anti-cannibal guy, it would never
occur to me to do the same thing as she does with her tofurkey.
I would not take all my delicious cheese sandwiches and fashion them into the
shape of some old rotting corpse of some dude and then eat that.
I would make it at least less tasty than the cheese sandwich itself to me.
Well, listen, it's easy to go around saying, hey, I'm against cannibalism, oh,
I'm anti-cannibalism, look at me, I'm better than everybody else, you know.
I know it's easy to say because I say it every day to people.
But actually, when you think about it, you don't really know how you're going
to, you know, how your cannibalism beliefs are going to stand up under when it
comes up.
Because you'll notice in life, cannibalism rarely comes up.
There's always some cheese sandwiches around you can find, you know.
But what about when you're in the Andes?
Well, then all bets are off.
You have to wrestle with your conscience because you're in the Andes.
I don't even know why people go to the Andes, but they do.
They go, hey, listen, travel agent, me and the wife, Ruth, you know, Ruth, we're
going, we got to get away from the kids again this year.
We got to go to Island.
We were hoping something on the other side of the Andes.
Anything you got there?
We just want to relax, lay on a hammock or something, and we want to go to a
nice place that is separated from where we are now, by the Andes.
And, uh, you got any small planes?
We like flying in small aerial foils.
In the dead of winter.
You got anything like that?
And they're like, yeah.
So you get on the plane, and, you know, 20 minutes later you crash into a
mountain.
You know, because everyone knows it's, it's on the boarding pass, it says, "Lay
over a mountain."
So you crash into the mountain, and then, you know, you got to, you know, you
got to wrestle with your conscience, you know, because, uh, you know, you're
down there and the guy in 24E is looking pretty delicious.
And, uh, and so days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months, months, you
know how time works, right?
I don't have to explain everything.
Then becomes now.
So, uh, time, and then you have to wrestle with your conscience, because you're
like, "Ah, my conscience."
And your conscience is very, you know, you don't want to wrestle with your
conscience, because, you know, although it's not as hard as wrestling with an
actual wrestler.
High five.
High five.
If you have your choice between wrestling with your conscience, and wrestling
with a, like, a professionally trained wrestler, I'd take the conscience,
because, uh, it doesn't even have arms.
And for wrestling, like, the headlock is the biggest move, if you don't have
arms.
So, anyways, you're wrestling with your conscience, and you're like, "Oh, man,
should I eat that guy in 24E?" I don't know.
It looks pretty good, but I don't think it's right, and all this stuff.
And then, and then time goes on, and you get, and instead of just acting right
away, which would probably be the smarter thing, you know, you wait way too
long, and months pass, and then you go crazy, and then you go after Frank, that's
his name, in 24E.
And, uh, you're just, ah, you're so hungry now, you're tearing into him, you're
like, ah, Frank, blood all over you and everything, you know?
Anyways.
And that's the last, and this is what you don't want to happen at that point,
is for the rescue plane to come over at that very moment, you know?
Well, you're like, ah, what the?
They're like, we have hamburgers and hot dogs here on the plane, and delicious
cheese sandwiches, everything you want here.
You're like, ah, what?
Let us know.
Let us know.
Thank you.
And Albert Fish was born on this day in New York City in 1870.
Who the fuck is Albert Fish?
What?
Who the fuck is Albert Fish?
Oh, Albert Fish?
I've never heard of that guy.
He was known as the Gray Man.
The Grain Man?
The Gray Man.
The Werewolf of Wisteria.
You know why he was known as the Gray Man?
Because when they...
He was a serial killer.
He killed...
He slayed children and ate them.
He was a cannibal.
Uh-huh.
But when they...
The police asked a woman to describe him.
And she said he was gray in both appearances and demeanor.
Very bad description.
This is like Arsenio when it was, ooh.
Yeah, ooh.
We're all...
But anyways...
I'm pretending I know who Albert Gray is.
I didn't...
No, no.
Albert Fish.
Oh.
You're a New Yorker.
So anyways, he was a child rapist and cannibal, as I explained.
When he's a child rapist, you try not to laugh when he looks at you.
Oh, come on, man.
It's not funny.
I know it's not.
But I know you want people to laugh.
But Fish boasted that he had children in every state.
Now, I would not boast about that.
I don't think you would.
I don't think you'd do it.
But if you did do it, you certainly wouldn't boast about it.
Not at all.
You'd take that to the grave with you.
But he boasted.
They say they eventually sing like a canary.
They do say that?
About murder.
Yeah.
They branked to a friend.
When Norm branked...
Oh, sh.
Sorry.
But Fish chose his victims.
He only chose victims who were either mentally handicapped.
Now, don't laugh at this next part.
Please.
You know he wants you to, right?
No.
If you laugh at this next part.
Okay.
And I'm not going to drink water.
Fish chose victims who were either mentally handicapped or African-American.
Oh, come on.
Why would you think that's funny?
Goddamn, Fred.
Jesus Christ.
That was the worst part of the story.
Okay.
But why do you think he did that?
What would be the explanation?
Why would he only attack...
Why would his victims that he chose only be either mentally handicapped
or African-Americans?
Because people don't...
In those days, they didn't care when those people were vanished.
That's right.
You're thinking like Albert Fish now.
And prostitutes.
That's why they...
That's right.
Prostitutes.
That's right.
Exactly.
Nobody really cares about prostitutes.
Well, it's like that comedian that would rape people at comedy...
No, in colleges.
Yes, Vince Champ.
They always said his great gimmick was that people would think who did it and
they never...
Because he'd go on to another town and another college.
But when people say, what about the comic?
Yeah.
Maybe the worst gimmick a comic ever had.
But anyway...
But you're exactly right.
That's why Albert Fish killed only mentally handicapped and African-Americans.
I thought you'd laugh at African-Americans again that they were...
No, because I know him.
I know he'll do something.
That's outrageous.
How dare you?
Well, it's kind of outrageous for you.
But anyways...
Fish tortured, mutilated, and murdered the youngsters.
They were children.
With a meat cleaver, a butcher knife, and a small hand saw.
Oh, Jesus.
God, you're...
This is the topical portion?
Yeah.
This is the birthday section.
And he solidified his reputation as the most vicious child slayer in criminal
history.
Though barely literate, Fish wrote taunting letters to the parents of his
victims,
gruesomely detailing how he slayed, butchered, cooked, and then with great
enjoyment dined on their offspring.
He would inevitably declare that a child's roasted rump
was the most toothsome dish in all of gastronomy.
Additionally, Fish was a masochist.
Get this.
And he would insert wool doused with lighter fluid into his own anus
and set it alight for his own enjoyment.
Fish was finally arrested, and he immediately began confessing to killing 700
children.
Get out of here.
Yes.
And he was dizzyingly happy about it.
Smiled as he described the grisly details of the tortures and the murders,
appearing to the detectives.
And one of the detectives said he appeared as the devil himself.
I mean, this Albert...
I mean, this guy was a real jerk.
Now I know there was no Albert Fish.