Name: Texting Norm Macdonald
Uploaded: 2021-02-27T12:42:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Texting Norm Macdonald' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Texting Norm Macdonald' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-27. Transcript available.

But I guess I actually this guy sent me, you know, this is stupid, but on my
phone, this guy, you'll laugh at this, maybe a lot of people get these pictures
or tattoos, you know, like me as Joe Dirt.
And they send you a lot of you get a lot of tattoos of stuff like things you
say or photos or whatever.
They send me one to Farley or whatever. So this guy says we want to he's got
Norm of all morons on his hand.
Norm Macdonald. So I text Norm. I go, I just send it to him. I go, hey, you
have fans.
And then I put in front of these fan. Oh, all we know is for sure this one guy.
And then and then, of course, like days later, David, hello, it's me, Norm.
How are you? Have you ever texted with Norm?
No, I haven't. No. Times a thousand. He just goes, he waits days.
And then at three in the morning. Hello. I go, Norm, what are you doing?
Are you answering me from four days ago? Is that what you're doing?
Dave, it's Norm. Do you like money?
Yes, Norm, I like money. Why?
Would you like to have more money than all your wildest dreams?
Yes, I would.
And then an hour later, would you like to walk into a dealership and point to a
car and then just buy it?
I go, of course. How?
And then three hours later, bet the over in the Blackhawks game.
First period or something.
I go, oh, OK.
Too bad that game was six days ago, you fucking idiot.
You know, what's funny is that that reminds me, I was just thinking about this
the other day. Norm was on my late night show and always an amazing guest and
some of my favorite moments.
And he's, I know that Norm, Norm is in the, in the makeup room getting made up
and, you know, the band's playing, we're about, I'm about to go out and start
the show.
But I go in just to say, hey, to Norm, and what I want to do is make sure, I
like to get in sync with people a little beforehand, just make sure that, you
know, we're both on the same page, get a good groove going.
So I go in, the band's playing, and Norm's always great.
And I'm like, hey, Norm, good to see you.
And he's like, hey, can you, can you, can you, can you back, back out of the
way?
I'm trying to see that, that television set.
Can you back, back up there, Conan?
The TV.
The TV's on.
And so I, I sort of back out of the way and I realized he's watching some
college basketball game and he's watching and it's towards the end of the game
and all this.
And I go like, okay, well, anyway, good.
And he goes, can you be quiet, quiet, hold on a sec.
And then someone scores a basket and he goes, and it's the game's over.
And he goes like, ah, fuck, fuck, fuck.
And I'm like, what?
And he went, I just lost, just lost a lot of money.
My whole dirty work.
Yeah.
Everything I made on, on dirty work is gone.
And, and I just went, oh, and he went, oh, I'm in a terrible mood.
And I went, okay.
And then someone with the head said, said, Conan, it's time to go on.
And I went, I'll see you out there.
And he was like, fuck.
30 seconds.
Yeah.
Fuck you.
You came in and jinxed me.
You jinxed me.
I'm going to fuck up your show.
I'm doing a show with the jinx.
You're going to jinx my set.
I know.
He's so funny.
I did his show on Netflix and it was so funny.
And it was an hour or something of just random.
We did both didn't know what was going on.
And it was, it was actually hilarious.
A, a, a forklift or something drove through the set.
I'm like, Norm.
I did like it because it was so thrown together.
It was, it was just, and then he told me we were at a commercial and I thought
we were
and we weren't.
That's actually a, that's a good trick.
That's a great trick.
It was a great trick.
Cause then he goes, and he goes, yeah.
And then he goes, so anyway, what's really going on?
And then we start bullshitting about stuff I would never say.
And then he goes, and we're back out of the blue.
The biggest star.
It's amazing how like some of your friends, like, you know, seriously, like
those guys
who came out of Saturday night live, like Sandler, you, Chris Rock.
There's a lot of guys who sort of all of a sudden are like real big players.
Everyone's doing pretty well.
Norm, Norm got his own TV.
Norm's doing well.
What?
What?
What?
Do you hang out with Norm or is it impossible?
It's pretty impossible because he's crazy.
He is.
In L.A., I call him and he goes, he goes, I go, what happened last week?
I called you to go.
You called me?
And I go, yeah.
On my phone?
I go, yeah.
And he goes, oh, yeah, yeah, I got that.
I go, you didn't call me back?
No, no.
And he's serious.
Yeah, he's crazy.
And, yeah, I know.
Like, I have him on the show.
I love him, though.
He's the funniest guy around.
I think you need to be kind of crazy to be really funny.
He is very funny.
I love him, too.
And he has a gambling problem, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
He was telling us how he was all excited that he had $80,000.
He won $80,000 in Vegas, but he had lost like $100,000 on basketball.
Right, right away.
And that's on nickel slots.
That's how serious he is.
Did you always know he had a gambling problem?
Mm-hmm.
You did.
When did you know that?
It's Saturday Night Live?
I first knew he had a pee-in-a-bottle problem.
Right.
Remember that?
You always talk about that.
Yeah, it's great.
And then I knew...
Does he still save his urine?
Do you know?
I don't know.
He used to put it in a Ziploc bag.
He'd sign it and send it to fans.
Is that true?
No.
Oh.
But he did.
He would take...
After Saturday Night Live, they'd give you a car, a limousine, if you want to
go to the
party, and he would take it to Atlantic City.
Really?
He's a hard-ass.
He's a hardcore dude.
I know.
He'll even get into fistfights.
And then he'd stay...
He'd still stay at a table for hours and hours.
What do you think of that?
I feel lucky.
And then you don't even know if he's married or single.
It's never really clear.
I don't know, but I know girls like him.
He's a...
You know, when you're that...
Something's that wrong, they pick up on it and like it.
They like the tragedy of that.
Fixer-upper, yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
I'm going to make him a regular guy.
Right, but it never worked.
So we get to...
I call up Norm.
I said, Norm, do you want to go to Palm Springs for me?
It's a three-day Jim McLean course.
Yeah!
So I pick him up.
He rides out there with his feet out the window all the way listening to Johnny
Cash.
Remember that?
Yeah.
And we get out there and the next morning I call him to wake him up to go.
He's sound asleep.
I got to call him like three times and knock on his door.
I didn't want to...
And then he gets up.
So he goes, I can't find my shoes.
He's like being a little kid.
Sounds like every day getting into this podcast.
Norm is perfectly capable of like shaving and putting on a little Grecian
formula and putting
a tie and a suit on and going to New York and doing a really funny kick-ass
five-minute
stand-up comedy set.
But then you talk to him about doing podcasts or projects or teaming up or
whatever.
It's like, Norm can't leave his apartment because if he gets up, he'll kick
over a jug of urine
and he'll lose his cleaning deposit and he does not drive.
He does not drive himself.
Oh, no.
He does not.
By the way, move to L.A. and then make the proclamation, I don't drive.
And it's like saying I can't be employed.
Like, he should just fucking take ropes and put himself onto the bed like James
Caan in
Misery.
But he doesn't drive?
No, he does not drive.
He has a helper person, females, whatever.
I did just, it's so insane.
And then, you know, people tweet me all the time like, hey, hey, skid Norm on,
man, you
guys are dynamite together.
Everyone loves you and Norm together.
And I'm like, it would be awesome if he was capable of getting inside of a
Volvo and propelling
himself in my direction.
Where does he live?
He lives somewhere on the west side and sort of beach city.
Oh, he's in L.A.?
Yeah, he's in L.A.
Oh, okay.
All right.
He does not drive.
Well, that can be fixed.
I agree.
Are you taking his beautiful Dave Letterman moment and making it about the fact
that you
can't get him to do anything with you?
That's exactly what's happening.
I just see the guy, people, yes, I'm seeing it because he is so good when he
wants to be
good.
And he puts himself together and it's perfect.
And then you see him and he's got like a gray beard and he's walking around
with Kleenex
boxes on for slippers.
And it's like, look, just fucking learn, get your driver's license and come on
out.
Join the rest of us.
In society.
Well, no, I feel like Norm's talent is being wasted in Norm's apartment instead
of out with
us.
Which I believe now.
See, I don't know anything about what Norm's doing.
You catch him every now and then on a clip.
You catch him.
Maybe he calls in somewhere and I've seen him there.
He seems to tweet a lot now, though.
He'll tweet.
Guess what you can do from your living room.
He'll watch an entire round of golf, the Masters.
He'll tweet every shot.
He'll go on long rants.
Well, he showed up at the SNL thing.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, that's again, that's the whole thing.
He cleans himself up.
He shaves.
He puts on a suit and he goes out and does a really funny stand up set.
And you wouldn't even need him to clean himself up or a suit.
I'm wearing pajamas right now with slippers.
I'm wearing fucking prickly pajamas myself.
I know.
I know.
I just all I'm saying is he is one of the funniest guys on the planet.
It would be nice if he could somebody just backhand him and yell, get hold of
yourself.
And then, you know, give him a shot of vermouth or something and go, let's go.
We're going down to fucking DMV.
Maybe that's you.
We'll get your license.
I told, I think I told him.
That guy sounds hot.
That or Gilbert Godfrey.
I can't remember.
But I told one of them, I will teach you how to drive.
You don't need to, in his position, he can get someone to drive in places.
Oh, there's Uber.
I love Uber.
Oh, you hate Uber?
No, I love it.
I just can't.
It's impossible.
The answer to yes is he could get someone to do it.
Has he never driven?
Maybe he just has a social phobia that only goes away when he goes to New York
for major
television farewells and finales.
Was there a driving related trauma?
I don't want to belabor this, but I'm fascinated.
No, there are many people that we just, they're allowed to just announce to the
world that
they're nuts, essentially.
And then they can do whatever idiosyncratic behavior they like, and then
everyone just
sort of covers for them.
They go, you know, Gilbert Godfrey or Norm or whoever, everyone goes, oh, you
know, they
don't drive.
But no one ever goes, why the fuck not?
I've been driving since I was 15 and a half.
That's like Bill Cosby doesn't have sex with women who are awake.
That was his thing.
That's his thing.
He announced it.
Maybe he should have announced it.
He should have.
Yeah.
We're both forgiving.