Name: Cheese Sandwich and Shallow Graves
Uploaded: 2021-03-06T12:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cheese Sandwich and Shallow Graves' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cheese Sandwich and Shallow Graves' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-06. Transcript available.

I don't like those news stories. It's scary either, man.
That's why I don't like watching the news no more.
Because when I was a kid, just news stories would be real stuff, you know?
Like about the world or whatever.
But now, they'll have little personal stories that have nothing to do with
nobody.
And they present it as the news, you know?
And then you don't want to see them, you know?
And I noticed the latest one they all seem to have.
The show will open the news, and there'll be a guy with a suit and a tie so you
know he's a newsman.
And he goes, hey, our top story tonight.
A lady has vanished.
And you're like, oh, yeah?
And they go, yes, she's not, she's gone.
And you're like, oh, yeah?
Do I know her? No.
You never heard of her, but we're going to tell you about her.
We got Bill. He's on the outside.
They have one guy inside, one guy outside.
Bill, what's going on?
And then Bill's outside.
He's like, yeah, the lady vanished.
Her name was Janice.
And nobody can find her hiding her hair.
Her car was found in the, the car is fine.
It's in the Burger King lot.
But we can't find a lady.
All right, back to you.
And, you know.
So then you're at home, you go, I don't give a damn on account I never knew her
in the first place.
How can I possibly care?
As a matter of fact, I'm happy it's her and not someone I know.
So, but then they go, we'll tell you about it.
You go, no, that's cool, you know.
I don't really want to know.
But they can't help themselves, you know.
They go, here is she.
Oh, hey, Bill, you still outside?
And he's like, yeah, of course.
And they go, we understand you have some friends of Janice to tell you about.
Yes, we've been talking to some of her friends anyways.
Turns out, she's a good lady.
Breaking news, Janice was a good lady.
And we got some of her friends here going to talk about it.
And then they show a lady that says, Janice's friend.
And she says, oh, Janice, man, she was the greatest.
She was the kind of person where you could walk into a room and she would light
up the whole room.
You know, it was amazing.
She didn't have a light or nothing like that.
She would just somehow, through sheer tyranny of will, she could make a room
light up.
Some of us thought it was supernatural.
And then we, this is other Janice's friend.
Oh, Janice.
She was the type of lady, I remember, that you could always turn to.
You know how sometimes you want to turn your neck, you know, because you're
having troubles.
You want to, you know, or your neck hurts, whatever.
But when you turn, the person you most want to see in your eyeline would be Janice,
you know.
And then, say, Janice's other friend that wasn't one of the first two.
Well, Janice, she, she's the kind of person, you could be talking to your best
friend the whole world, you know.
And then Janice comes in and goes, screw you, I'm talking to Janice.
You know, you go over to Janice, she's a better person than you.
It's Janice.
And so, then, so then, at home, you start to get invested in Janice.
You start liking her, you know what I mean.
And every day, they show you more about Janice, you know, and they show
different video, home videos of her.
And you're like, hey, honey, look.
Oh, I like that hat she's wearing.
She's eating a piece of pizza, you know.
And you start really liking her, you know.
You go, ah, man, that's, that lady's nice.
I'd like to meet her one day.
That'd be, oh, I forgot she vanished.
Oh, well, they'll find her.
I'm sure of this.
And then you get hope, you know, and you can't, all you can think about is Janice.
You know?
Your feverish dreams are, are commanded by Janice's spirit, you know.
You can't even think right, you know.
And every day, you're turned on the news.
Man, what's going on, Janice?
And they keep going until, you know, and things progress, you know.
And Bill's still outside, and he's like, we're still looking.
It's been three weeks now.
But as, as we speak, the, uh, there, everyone's combing the woods behind me as
we speak.
And then you're at home, you go, oh, no, not the woods.
You don't like to hear that.
Nothing good ever happens in the woods.
I've seen enough of these stories to realize that Janice is not going to come
bounding out of the woods anytime soon.
It's like, hey, what's going on, everybody?
I was just taking a stroll through the woods.
What's going on?
Why are you taking pictures of me anyway?
What's going on?
Now, if they find you in the woods, generally, they find you in one spot.
As a matter of fact, exclusively, every time.
If you're found in the woods, you're found in a shallow grave.
That's the way it works.
I don't know why, but I've seen enough Bill Curtis specials to know that
shallow grave is where you end one end up.
Certain things you don't want on your death certificate.
One would be shallow grave.
Massive.
You wouldn't want to see that on your death certificate.
The word massive.
Or maybe you would.
I don't know.
Maybe that would be a good one.
What about complications?
That's the one that always confused me.
I'm like, what the fuck?
You go, hey, doc, wouldn't my dad die again?
It's complicated.
It's complications.
He died from them.
Well, how did that work?
You told me it was going to be a simple operation.
Yeah, we thought it was.
You're not a doctor, are you?
It looks simple in the book.
But once we cut them open, man,
a lot of red stringy stuff in your dad.
Very complicated when you get in there.
Well, anyways, goodbye.
But, yeah, you don't want to see a shallow grave
in any of your, you know,
in any of the fourth estate's account
on your being dispatched.
So, the...
And also, doesn't it seem a little rash,
a shallow grave, you know?
Like, after all their planning,
these serial killers,
they're supposed to be so cunning, you know,
so diabolical according to the TV movies I've seen.
And doesn't it seem a little rash at the end
that all of a sudden it's just shallow grave,
you know?
It's just...
Wouldn't you think they'd go to a little...
Yeah?
There's like, there you go,
a couple of leaves and a twig.
That doesn't look like Janice.
I don't remember Janice having twigs and leaves all over.
Nobody will find her.
A Boy Scout ain't going to stumble over her tomorrow morning.
I know that much.
I'm going home and await the authorities.
And then, uh...
They go home now.
I would, if I ever did that,
and I would never slaughter and kill a woman.
I want you to know that.
I know I say that now.
Who knows?
Can't predict the future, but...
I know there's not a river long enough
that does not contain a bend,
but I believe right now
I would not slaughter a woman.
And maybe it's just vanity talking.
You know, the scriptures say
that man is mostly vanity.
But, uh...
Um...
In my vanity,
I do not believe I would do it, you know?
But if I did do it,
if I somehow snapped,
because who would ever know,
I would plan it out.
I'd be very, very careful about it, you know?
I would track the lady, you know?
Because, because, you know,
there's still a stigma,
even in today's enlightened society,
uh...
when you, uh...
slaughter a lady.
So I would track the lady.
You understand?
I would find out...
This is what you gotta do.
You gotta find out her, uh...
habits.
You know?
Like, maybe you go,
Hey, man,
I know she goes to that cheese sandwich store every day,
and when she comes back,
she's got a big paper bag of stuff.
I'll bet you anything,
there's cheese sandwiches in there.
Eh?
So then you put that up in your head.
A lady likes cheese sandwiches.
It's one piece of information.
But you take your time, you know?
Then you notice,
you see another pattern.
You go,
Hey!
Every Wednesday night,
that lady goes down to the gymnasium
and plays basketball with other ladies,
which is fine nowadays.
So,
what I would do is,
I would stand outside of the gym,
you know,
and she'd come out there all sweaty
with a ridiculously tri-colored ball,
you know?
and she'd be finished her game,
and then,
where would I be?
I'd be standing
at the other side of the parking lot,
and in my hand,
what do you think would be resting
but a cheese sandwich?
Right?
So then she'd go,
Hey, what's in your hand?
I go,
What?
Nothing?
She'd go,
Yeah,
there's something in your hand.
I go,
There's nothing in my hand.
I don't know what you're talking about.
She'd go,
There's something in your hand.
I'm not blind.
I see something in your hand.
I go,
There's nothing in my hand.
Oh, yeah, this.
Oh, no,
it's just a cheese sandwich.
What?
Why,
you like them or something?
I got a whole bunch
in that van over there.
Yeah,
that craziest looking van
you've ever seen in your life.
It's right over there.
You want to go through?
You want to go get some?
And by the way,
if you ever do this,
and I don't think you ever should,
you don't have to have
cheese sandwiches in the van.
You know,
unless you're proud of your detailed work
or something like that.
I don't want you to go over it.
If you're a frugal serial killer,
I'm the last that would advise you
to throw away all kinds of money
on cheese
and double the amount on bread,
you know?
Should bread and cheese
cost the exact same amount of money?
I would plan it out.
That's what I'm saying.
And then I would take the lady
in the,
and I would never do this,
of course,
but I would take the lady
in the van
to a remote area,
you know,
where there was a wooden shack
that I had constructed.
And,
and,
it was silenced
to the point
that her screams
would just echo off
the walls
never to reach
civilized ear again.
And then I would do
whatever it is
that they do
that gives you
that godlike power.
And then I would take her
to the woods
and I would bury her
in the deepest grave ever.
That would be most of my plan.
The grave.
Like,
two years before
I had selected a victim,
I would be working
on the grave.
I'd get 50,
a 100 foot grave.
As a matter of fact,
if I had any sense
in my head,
as my dad used to say
about me,
I would start digging
the grave now.
Just in case.
Because you never know
when you're going to snap.
I should go home
and just
dig a big,
deep 100 foot grave.
Yeah?
And worst case scenario,
like my dad used to say,
hey,
a little hard work
never hurt anybody,
goddammit.
Yeah?
And best case scenario,
I, you know,
slaughter a lady.
If you're going to
slaughter a lady
and I'm
completely against it,
it's much better
to slaughter a lady
and get away with it
than slaughter
or a lady
and not get away
with it.
That's just,
I don't know,
because I've not,
I've not done either.
You know,
I would have to talk
to one of you
that have done both
to really get an answer.
But I would,
I would suspect,
like anything,
not getting caught,
you know,
is the better choice
than getting caught.
Yeah.