Name: Norm Macdonald with Three Yammering B*tches
Uploaded: 2021-03-11T12:50:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald with Three Yammering B*tches' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald with Three Yammering B*tches' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-11. Transcript available.

He's been called the greatest weekend update anchor ever.
Of course, that was a clip from Saturday Night Live.
I'm so funny in that clip.
The Norm Show, you've seen him there.
You've also seen him in movies and stand-up comedy.
He is in Salt Lake City this morning.
Tonight, he's performing, but first you stop by our show.
Thank you.
Norm MacDonald here, everybody.
You guys have nice patterns.
You're a guy that stays up late.
Those two ladies right there.
Lucky girls.
You're a guy not used to being up this early.
No, it was really early.
Sorry I didn't dress up, but they told me I was going to do radio all morning.
I know, he gets here.
He was like, wait a minute.
Yeah, you said Scruff is in.
Scruff is in.
It looks like it's delivered.
I have to tell you the funniest story.
Just last season, we were up in Deer Valley with some friends,
and we had met somebody who looked just like you.
And so the whole time we're there, his nickname was Norm.
And so when we'd go out and we'd be skiing,
we'd totally, we'd kind of used it to our advantage.
Yeah.
And he'd be like, oh, don't you recognize me?
I'm Norm MacDonald.
He was really flattered when we told him that too, by the way.
So we used it to our advantage all the time.
And now meeting you in person, you guys are eerie.
Really?
You and Mark Warren look.
She feels like she knows you already.
I feel like I know him.
She hung out with you lots.
More than once.
Did you have a crush on him or something?
I'm going to take the Fifth Amendment on that one.
I wouldn't be surprised.
He enjoyed it.
We'll just put it that way.
What?
He enjoyed it.
What?
He enjoyed the posterity.
We have enjoyed it.
He enjoyed what?
He was just excited when we told him.
He pretended he was you.
The whole, yeah, they got free food.
Yeah.
Wow.
Do people approach you all the time?
I mean, do you get recognized a lot?
Sometimes I get recognized by my voice because I have a weird voice.
Some people go like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, I recognize your voice.
And then they'll do an impression of me and they'll go, I can do a perfect
impression of you.
And I go, okay, let's hear it.
And then they go, eh, eh, eh, eh.
And is that flattering?
No.
You know what I do in my show?
Do you mind if I put my arm around you?
No, please, Josh.
No, I was going to say.
Apparently it feels like it's known you for a long time, too.
No, when I do my show, like, there's something wrong with my voice, I think,
because people
always think I've never drank, well, when I was a little, when I was young, I
drank.
That's not true.
But I've never done drugs in my life and I've drank, like, a little tiny bit of
alcohol
when I was young.
But people always think I'm either drunk or on drugs because of my voice.
And so, like, I'd almost rather be like that because now I think there's
something
wrong with my brain or something.
Well, I think you're funny.
I think you're a funny guy.
Do you think I sound like, like, impaired?
No.
Oh, okay, cool.
I don't.
I'm going to take the fifth again.
What?
Just kidding.
Reborn funny.
Scruff is in.
Scruff isn't.
Scruff isn't.
I would know who...
Incoherent and scruff is in.
You're in.
You work with really funny people.
Yeah, yeah.
I work with great guys.
Who do you think is funny?
Like, who do you love?
That's a good question.
Right now or who I worked with?
Either.
The guy who worked with it that was the funniest was Chris Farley.
Oh, yeah.
By a million miles.
He was like...
All the time funny.
Yeah.
Just everyone was laughing like...
And he's one of those guys get anyone like a dumb person or a smart person or
an old person
or a little kid or anybody.
He could get people that didn't like him to laugh.
So it was really nice.
Where are you guys all looking?
Oh, look.
There's a picture of you two together.
Oh, look at that.
And you were in a movie together, too.
Except that's not Chris Farley.
But it's a picture.
Wasn't that him?
No, it was.
Just another fat guy.
My favorite Chris Farley is the fat guy in a little coat.
Oh, yeah.
That was the funniest.
He used to always do that at the show.
That's where they put it in the movie.
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah.
He'd always do it at the show.
And David would get really mad at him.
David's fate.
Yeah, because he'd always find David's coat.
Oh.
And then he'd come into the room and go back.
And rip Jack at him.
And it would always rip.
And David would chase him and stuff.
And he'd always do this.
Because David always wore, like, cool jackets to get girls around him.
Did it work?
I haven't seen it work.
I know.
Yeah, David gets girls like crazy.
Heather Locklear.
Yeah, like insanely beautiful girls.
It's because funny guys are attractive.
Funny is hot.
You've done a lot of impressions.
Funny, look at him.
Look at him.
He's like, really?
Come on, I've ever heard of my life.
I want to hear about your impressions, especially your channels.
Yes.
I mean, because you've impersonated some pretty famous people.
David Letterman.
Yeah.
Who's your favorite person to impersonate?
Well, then you'll want me to do it.
I do want you to do it.
I was going to say, that is the next question.
You knew that was coming.
It's a tease.
Then people can go see him tonight.
Oh, okay.
I guess I'd have to say Richard Nixon.
Oh, let's see it.
No, I didn't.
I can't tease him like that.
Oh, you're joking.
Nobody wants to see Richard Nixon.
I don't.
Do Burt Reynolds.
I love Burt Reynolds.
See, Burt Reynolds talks like very, he just, she'll just go like, it's going to
sound
bad, no matter what.
No, we're still excited, don't worry.
You are?
Yeah.
Okay.
Uh, you guys are good guys.
It's just like that.
It's lame.
Was that it?
Yeah, that was it.
I told you.
I missed this.
I love Burt Reynolds.
I told you.
Did that just happen?
See, it helps if you put a, it helps if you put a Burt Reynolds mask on.
It always helps the impression.
Yeah, if they fix you up so you look exactly like Burt Reynolds, it really
helps the impression.
Okay, so tonight, will you, at Wise Guys, will you be doing?
No, I don't do impressions.
You not?
No.
No, I don't do impressions.
What do you talk about?
Just on Saturday Night Live, like, they need somebody to do something, so I go,
okay,
I can try to do that guy.
So tonight at Wise Guys, what will you be doing?
What can people expect when they come to see you?
Are you going to do a weekend update?
No, I don't do that.
I think I'm just going to disappoint people.
Stop.
He's going to pretend like he's new for the hearing.
I'm just going to talk.
Because I did stand-up, like, before anything else.
So I'll, you know, so I don't know who I would compare it to.
Like Bill Cosby.
That was my stand-up career.
I love Bill Cosby.
You do?
Oh, okay.
That is great.
Yeah.
I'm glad that we have to wrap up, Norm.
Can you hang out?
Can you go into the kitchen with us or anything?
What are you doing in the kitchen?
We cook.
Believe it or not.
And it's prairie cornbread.
It's like a Utah.
You need to have that.
Wise Guys, everybody.
He's going to be there tonight.
You can go to smithtix.com or wiseguyscomedy.com for tickets.
There's all the information on your screen tonight.
It's on the computer.
8 o'clock, 10 o'clock.
Go to our website, abc4.com.
There you go.
Throw that in there, too.
You can tell he's a weekend update guy.
And you remember on Wednesday when we raised gardens with joy.
We're going to part two when we come back.
*music*
Well, of course you watch the real news here on ABC 4, but if you were ever
interested in the fake news, that would be this man right here, Norm MacDonald
is back and we are talking about all of his stints that he's done on TV, movies,
his comedy show that's coming up to Ogden this weekend or tonight. So, Norm,
first of all, how many years did you do the fake news on Saturday Night Live?
About five seasons?
Three, two and a half, three.
And it's stuck. I mean, isn't that what people know you most when, you know,
they see you out in public?
Yeah, they mostly know that.
I didn't know you were on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.
Oh yeah, I was on that show.
You couldn't have won a million.
I saw that.
I won a half a million dollars, but I didn't get to keep it. I had to give it
to a charity.
Darn it.
What charity did you give it to?
I gave it to, well, I always wanted to meet Paul Newman, so it turns out he has
his great charity for sick children.
And I thought, hey, this fits in perfectly with my desire to meet Paul Newman.
So I gave all the money to his sick children in order to meet him.
Did you get to meet him?
No.
No?
He sent me a letter, but then I felt guilty like that I'd given all this money
to the sick children only to meet Paul Newman, so I talked it over to my lord
and I decided it was a venal thing I had done.
Well, it was a good, it was, you had good intentions and maybe because.
No, I had bad intentions, but I ended up with good.
A good action.
I had a good result.
I had a good result and then I didn't pay off on my bad intentions, so it
turned out it was alright.
Alright, so you're back.
You got to do Wise Guys last time you were in Utah, last time you were on the
show.
Yeah.
And Utahns were like, whoop, Norm.
Yeah, they went crazy, man.
I found myself a beautiful, three beautiful wives when I was here.
Good.
I'm glad we could do that for you.
Do you do a lot of Utah humor?
Do you add that into your show?
No, I just was reading in the paper today, it said, "Polygamists charged with
sex crime."
And when I was young, it would be a man charged with polygamy.
You know what I mean?
So we've come a long way.
Utahns are changing.
You'd think if you were a polygamist, you wouldn't have time for any other
stuff.
Yeah, you'd be a busy guy.
You are busy.
So with your show at Wise Guys tonight, do you focus mostly on impressions or
is it you feed off the audience?
Yeah, I just talk to the audience and whatever's going on.
I'll probably go home and watch the TV and see what news is going on.
I'll probably listen to you guys, find out what news is going on so I can talk
about it tonight and figure it out.
Do you ever get stumped standing up there like you don't know what direction to
go next?
Oh yeah, I blank out all the time.
Like I talk for a while, you know, and everything's going well, and then all of
a sudden nothing is in my head except for a big jelly roll.
Like when I dream, I dream of jelly rolls.
You guys like jelly rolls?
They're good, yeah.
Yeah, but I don't dream about them.
Yeah, I know.
I went to a psychiatrist once.
I think he thought I was a moron, but he goes, "Can you describe your dreams
for me?"
I'm like, "I dream about jelly rolls."
He goes, "What else?"
I go, "That's it."
And he's like, "What?"
He made like a weird face that a psychiatrist is not supposed to make.
So do you eat jelly rolls as a kid or that's like your favorite treat now?
No, it's like, it brings me great peace.
Like right now if I close my eyes, jelly rolls will start floating in front of
the back of my eyelids.
Okay, close your eyes, think jelly rolls while we talk about where you are
tonight, Friday.
It is Wise Guys Comedy in West Valley.
So you're close by.
How are the jelly rolls going?
They floating?
Oh yeah, they're beautiful.
Good.
What favorite is it?
Strawberry?
Raspberry?
Oh, all is raspberry jelly rolls.
Raspberry.
Friday, November 6th, 8 and 10.
And you're not here tomorrow night, right?
Just tonight?
No, I'm just going to be here tonight.
Catch you while you're here.
Pardon me?
So get tickets and get there tonight.
Or not.
Whatever you like.
I'm trying to help you out, Norm.
I'm selling it for you.
No, but I don't want people to, you know, if, if, if, if, if, uh, listen, I don't
want people to show up at my show if their great aunt has walking pneumonia.
That's probably good advice.
She'll survive.
It's okay.
No, stay with your great aunt.
Give me the love, you know.
I'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
With swine flu going around, you may not have an audience if you keep up that.
So, all right.
I'll be fine.
All right.
So check out Norm tonight at Wise Guys in West Valley.
Thanks, Norm.
Thank you, guys.
Up next, we are talking how to get your lawn looking green in the spring with
Joy.
We'll be right back.

Norm Macdonald with Three Yammering B*tches

He's been called the greatest weekend update anchor ever.
Of course, that was a clip from Saturday Night Live.
I'm so funny in that clip.
The Norm Show, you've seen him there.
You've also seen him in movies and stand-up comedy.
He is in Salt Lake City this morning.
Tonight, he's performing, but first you stop by our show.
Thank you.
Norm MacDonald here, everybody.
You guys have nice patterns.
You're a guy that stays up late.
Those two ladies right there.
Lucky girls.
You're a guy not used to being up this early.
No, it was really early.
Sorry I didn't dress up, but they told me I was going to do radio all morning.
I know, he gets here.
He was like, wait a minute.
Yeah, you said Scruff is in.
Scruff is in.
It looks like it's delivered.
I have to tell you the funniest story.
Just last season, we were up in Deer Valley with some friends,
and we had met somebody who looked just like you.
And so the whole time we're there, his nickname was Norm.
And so when we'd go out and we'd be skiing,
we'd totally, we'd kind of used it to our advantage.
Yeah.
And he'd be like, oh, don't you recognize me?
I'm Norm MacDonald.
He was really flattered when we told him that too, by the way.
So we used it to our advantage all the time.
And now meeting you in person, you guys are eerie.
Really?
You and Mark Warren look.
She feels like she knows you already.
I feel like I know him.
She hung out with you lots.
More than once.
Did you have a crush on him or something?
I'm going to take the Fifth Amendment on that one.
I wouldn't be surprised.
He enjoyed it.
We'll just put it that way.
What?
He enjoyed it.
What?
He enjoyed the posterity.
We have enjoyed it.
He enjoyed what?
He was just excited when we told him.
He pretended he was you.
The whole, yeah, they got free food.
Yeah.
Wow.
Do people approach you all the time?
I mean, do you get recognized a lot?
Sometimes I get recognized by my voice because I have a weird voice.
Some people go like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, I recognize your voice.
And then they'll do an impression of me and they'll go, I can do a perfect
impression of you.
And I go, okay, let's hear it.
And then they go, eh, eh, eh, eh.
And is that flattering?
No.
You know what I do in my show?
Do you mind if I put my arm around you?
No, please, Josh.
No, I was going to say.
Apparently it feels like it's known you for a long time, too.
No, when I do my show, like, there's something wrong with my voice, I think,
because people
always think I've never drank, well, when I was a little, when I was young, I
drank.
That's not true.
But I've never done drugs in my life and I've drank, like, a little tiny bit of
alcohol
when I was young.
But people always think I'm either drunk or on drugs because of my voice.
And so, like, I'd almost rather be like that because now I think there's
something
wrong with my brain or something.
Well, I think you're funny.
I think you're a funny guy.
Do you think I sound like, like, impaired?
No.
Oh, okay, cool.
I don't.
I'm going to take the fifth again.
What?
Just kidding.
Reborn funny.
Scruff is in.
Scruff isn't.
Scruff isn't.
I would know who...
Incoherent and scruff is in.
You're in.
You work with really funny people.
Yeah, yeah.
I work with great guys.
Who do you think is funny?
Like, who do you love?
That's a good question.
Right now or who I worked with?
Either.
The guy who worked with it that was the funniest was Chris Farley.
Oh, yeah.
By a million miles.
He was like...
All the time funny.
Yeah.
Just everyone was laughing like...
And he's one of those guys get anyone like a dumb person or a smart person or
an old person
or a little kid or anybody.
He could get people that didn't like him to laugh.
So it was really nice.
Where are you guys all looking?
Oh, look.
There's a picture of you two together.
Oh, look at that.
And you were in a movie together, too.
Except that's not Chris Farley.
But it's a picture.
Wasn't that him?
No, it was.
Just another fat guy.
My favorite Chris Farley is the fat guy in a little coat.
Oh, yeah.
That was the funniest.
He used to always do that at the show.
That's where they put it in the movie.
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah.
He'd always do it at the show.
And David would get really mad at him.
David's fate.
Yeah, because he'd always find David's coat.
Oh.
And then he'd come into the room and go back.
And rip Jack at him.
And it would always rip.
And David would chase him and stuff.
And he'd always do this.
Because David always wore, like, cool jackets to get girls around him.
Did it work?
I haven't seen it work.
I know.
Yeah, David gets girls like crazy.
Heather Locklear.
Yeah, like insanely beautiful girls.
It's because funny guys are attractive.
Funny is hot.
You've done a lot of impressions.
Funny, look at him.
Look at him.
He's like, really?
Come on, I've ever heard of my life.
I want to hear about your impressions, especially your channels.
Yes.
I mean, because you've impersonated some pretty famous people.
David Letterman.
Yeah.
Who's your favorite person to impersonate?
Well, then you'll want me to do it.
I do want you to do it.
I was going to say, that is the next question.
You knew that was coming.
It's a tease.
Then people can go see him tonight.
Oh, okay.
I guess I'd have to say Richard Nixon.
Oh, let's see it.
No, I didn't.
I can't tease him like that.
Oh, you're joking.
Nobody wants to see Richard Nixon.
I don't.
Do Burt Reynolds.
I love Burt Reynolds.
See, Burt Reynolds talks like very, he just, she'll just go like, it's going to
sound
bad, no matter what.
No, we're still excited, don't worry.
You are?
Yeah.
Okay.
Uh, you guys are good guys.
It's just like that.
It's lame.
Was that it?
Yeah, that was it.
I told you.
I missed this.
I love Burt Reynolds.
I told you.
Did that just happen?
See, it helps if you put a, it helps if you put a Burt Reynolds mask on.
It always helps the impression.
Yeah, if they fix you up so you look exactly like Burt Reynolds, it really
helps the impression.
Okay, so tonight, will you, at Wise Guys, will you be doing?
No, I don't do impressions.
You not?
No.
No, I don't do impressions.
What do you talk about?
Just on Saturday Night Live, like, they need somebody to do something, so I go,
okay,
I can try to do that guy.
So tonight at Wise Guys, what will you be doing?
What can people expect when they come to see you?
Are you going to do a weekend update?
No, I don't do that.
I think I'm just going to disappoint people.
Stop.
He's going to pretend like he's new for the hearing.
I'm just going to talk.
Because I did stand-up, like, before anything else.
So I'll, you know, so I don't know who I would compare it to.
Like Bill Cosby.
That was my stand-up career.
I love Bill Cosby.
You do?
Oh, okay.
That is great.
Yeah.
I'm glad that we have to wrap up, Norm.
Can you hang out?
Can you go into the kitchen with us or anything?
What are you doing in the kitchen?
We cook.
Believe it or not.
And it's prairie cornbread.
It's like a Utah.
You need to have that.
Wise Guys, everybody.
He's going to be there tonight.
You can go to smithtix.com or wiseguyscomedy.com for tickets.
There's all the information on your screen tonight.
It's on the computer.
8 o'clock, 10 o'clock.
Go to our website, abc4.com.
There you go.
Throw that in there, too.
You can tell he's a weekend update guy.
And you remember on Wednesday when we raised gardens with joy.
We're going to part two when we come back.
*music*
Well, of course you watch the real news here on ABC 4, but if you were ever
interested in the fake news, that would be this man right here, Norm MacDonald
is back and we are talking about all of his stints that he's done on TV, movies,
his comedy show that's coming up to Ogden this weekend or tonight. So, Norm,
first of all, how many years did you do the fake news on Saturday Night Live?
About five seasons?
Three, two and a half, three.
And it's stuck. I mean, isn't that what people know you most when, you know,
they see you out in public?
Yeah, they mostly know that.
I didn't know you were on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.
Oh yeah, I was on that show.
You couldn't have won a million.
I saw that.
I won a half a million dollars, but I didn't get to keep it. I had to give it
to a charity.
Darn it.
What charity did you give it to?
I gave it to, well, I always wanted to meet Paul Newman, so it turns out he has
his great charity for sick children.
And I thought, hey, this fits in perfectly with my desire to meet Paul Newman.
So I gave all the money to his sick children in order to meet him.
Did you get to meet him?
No.
No?
He sent me a letter, but then I felt guilty like that I'd given all this money
to the sick children only to meet Paul Newman, so I talked it over to my lord
and I decided it was a venal thing I had done.
Well, it was a good, it was, you had good intentions and maybe because.
No, I had bad intentions, but I ended up with good.
A good action.
I had a good result.
I had a good result and then I didn't pay off on my bad intentions, so it
turned out it was alright.
Alright, so you're back.
You got to do Wise Guys last time you were in Utah, last time you were on the
show.
Yeah.
And Utahns were like, whoop, Norm.
Yeah, they went crazy, man.
I found myself a beautiful, three beautiful wives when I was here.
Good.
I'm glad we could do that for you.
Do you do a lot of Utah humor?
Do you add that into your show?
No, I just was reading in the paper today, it said, "Polygamists charged with
sex crime."
And when I was young, it would be a man charged with polygamy.
You know what I mean?
So we've come a long way.
Utahns are changing.
You'd think if you were a polygamist, you wouldn't have time for any other
stuff.
Yeah, you'd be a busy guy.
You are busy.
So with your show at Wise Guys tonight, do you focus mostly on impressions or
is it you feed off the audience?
Yeah, I just talk to the audience and whatever's going on.
I'll probably go home and watch the TV and see what news is going on.
I'll probably listen to you guys, find out what news is going on so I can talk
about it tonight and figure it out.
Do you ever get stumped standing up there like you don't know what direction to
go next?
Oh yeah, I blank out all the time.
Like I talk for a while, you know, and everything's going well, and then all of
a sudden nothing is in my head except for a big jelly roll.
Like when I dream, I dream of jelly rolls.
You guys like jelly rolls?
They're good, yeah.
Yeah, but I don't dream about them.
Yeah, I know.
I went to a psychiatrist once.
I think he thought I was a moron, but he goes, "Can you describe your dreams
for me?"
I'm like, "I dream about jelly rolls."
He goes, "What else?"
I go, "That's it."
And he's like, "What?"
He made like a weird face that a psychiatrist is not supposed to make.
So do you eat jelly rolls as a kid or that's like your favorite treat now?
No, it's like, it brings me great peace.
Like right now if I close my eyes, jelly rolls will start floating in front of
the back of my eyelids.
Okay, close your eyes, think jelly rolls while we talk about where you are
tonight, Friday.
It is Wise Guys Comedy in West Valley.
So you're close by.
How are the jelly rolls going?
They floating?
Oh yeah, they're beautiful.
Good.
What favorite is it?
Strawberry?
Raspberry?
Oh, all is raspberry jelly rolls.
Raspberry.
Friday, November 6th, 8 and 10.
And you're not here tomorrow night, right?
Just tonight?
No, I'm just going to be here tonight.
Catch you while you're here.
Pardon me?
So get tickets and get there tonight.
Or not.
Whatever you like.
I'm trying to help you out, Norm.
I'm selling it for you.
No, but I don't want people to, you know, if, if, if, if, if, uh, listen, I don't
want people to show up at my show if their great aunt has walking pneumonia.
That's probably good advice.
She'll survive.
It's okay.
No, stay with your great aunt.
Give me the love, you know.
I'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
With swine flu going around, you may not have an audience if you keep up that.
So, all right.
I'll be fine.
All right.
So check out