Name: Can't Hear Norm Macdonald Talk with These Old Bags
Uploaded: 2021-03-12T15:29:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Can't Hear Norm Macdonald Talk with These Old Bags' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Can't Hear Norm Macdonald Talk with These Old Bags' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-12. Transcript available.

Barbara Walters announced that she's retiring from The View.
Well, actually, she announced it five years ago, but no one could hear her over
those
yammering bitches.
See?
We all remember our first guest from Saturday Night Live, where, among other
things, he
hosted the Weekend Update, remember that?
But he was so committed to doing an imitation of Bob Dole, he even took Viagra
himself.
That is really -- now he's the host of his very own show right here on ABC.
It's called The Norm Shell.
Take a look.
The hearing is three o'clock.
And don't worry, because with the help of a little oxygen, you're going to be
as sharp
as a tack for that review board.
Oh, wow.
I just remembered where I left my Lincoln Logs in fifth grade.
In 1938, I killed a hobo.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
Do a little Bob Dole for us.
Bob Dole?
Would you?
You want me to do it?
It's a kind of old impression.
Make some of the news again.
It is?
Yeah.
Well, I try to work on new impressions.
You know what I mean?
Like fresh, torn from the headlines of the newspapers, of the journals, of the,
you know.
Well, he's in today's headlines.
You just do a little.
But I've got a Liddy Dole.
I'm working on new on Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Yeah, I do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Okay.
I'm Liddy Dole running for president.
Liddy Dole wants to be president.
He doesn't want to work at the blood bank anymore.
He wants to be president of the United States.
Liddy Dole.
Is that Bob Dole?
Is that Bob Dole?
Yes.
That is Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
No.
Bob Dole says, I'm Bob Dole.
Hello.
I'm Liddy Dole.
Oh, God.
I'm Liddy Dole.
You are sick, man.
Very good.
You know how sometimes, like when people are married for a long time, they
start to sound
like each other?
I think that's what happened with Bob and Liddy Dole.
I guess so.
You are really wild.
I mean, you're wild on that show and you're wild in person.
What?
Don't you think?
No, I think you're wild.
You're talking about Costa.
You hear us talking about the Friars Club roast and everything and, you know,
Joy is the
queen of the Friars Club.
I went to that Friars Club once.
I never seen a roast or anything like that, Joy, but I went one time.
I loved playing poker.
I had a bit of a gambling problem for a while and I couldn't get enough poker
games, right?
So this dude, he told me, you've got to go to the Friars Club, man.
There's a big poker game there, right?
I have to talk to four people here.
So I go to the Friars Club.
Barbara, are you listening?
Yes.
Barbara, are you listening?
Yeah.
No, I wasn't.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
No, I wasn't.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
No, I wasn't.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
He's definitely not.
You're not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
But let me tell you something else.
I would have sex with you while you were awake.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
We're going to get to the shower.
We're going to get to the shower.
You're such a novelty for me.
Go ahead.
This is my story.
This is my story.
And then I'm playing and then all of a sudden
this old dude next to me goes,
Ah, kid, just you got to show them what you're made of.
You insult them too.
You know?
So I'm like, oh.
So there's an old dude.
They're like 70 years old.
So I go, hey, they're an old dude.
You probably have had a few guys.
I've had sex with a few guys, right?
And he goes...
That's the story.
You know what I thought?
Okay, so I guess you don't need a punchline.
No, you don't need a punchline.
This is the new comedy joining.
The new comedians.
No punchline.
No, no.
If you think this one is funny,
then you have to see the Norm show now.
I have to actually write down your character.
He's a tax evading former hockey player,
sentenced to community service as a social worker.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
He just couldn't come up with a guy named Joe.
No, it's this person here.
Yeah.
But I'm told, even with this comic timing,
you can't remember your lines.
I can't memorize stuff.
You know what I mean?
I'm not good at memorizing.
We only have one minute, by the way.
You can read.
So what do you do though?
You can pass.
He wasn't holding up that finger, so go ahead.
Yeah, it hasn't happened yet.
What do you do?
What do you do?
You weren't listening?
What do you do?
How do you memorize?
How do you do?
They can't memorize things like,
because in each strip we get each week,
there maybe there's like six, seven hundred words.
Wow.
And you have to say them in order.
You know what I mean?
That's really hard.
That ain't easy.
What is it like on the set of that show with you?
What is it like?
Well, what do you mean?
What do I mean?
Well, because you're so average.
She thinks you're wacky.
Well, I'm just saying it's hard to memorize.
We're not walking around the set going,
Hey, you know.
So what are you?
So what are you doing?
You're being critical about that.
I know.
I love this show.
It's a great show.
It's a great show.
I have to do it.
No, what I do is, I try to, like sometimes,
if you watch the show, sometimes you'll see like,
I'll forget mine.
Not just have you on, we have to watch it.
You have to watch the show, yeah.
Oh, okay, okay.
No, but sometimes, uh, sometimes, uh,
geez, this is a long minute.
Sometimes, sometimes like, if you watch the show,
you'll notice, sometimes maybe during the show,
there'll be like, maybe something like,
sometimes like 20 minutes will pass
when nobody will say anything.
You know what I mean?
Because it was my line.
But there's ways to cover.
Sometimes I'll just read a newspaper.
You've admitted that you're lazy.
I think you've read six books in your life.
I've read six.
Six.
What kind of a woman would be attracted to you,
do you think?
Well, I have a lot of money.
Oh.
There we go.
And...
That's my line.
And...
There's a hit show
that they just announced yesterday
when we all transferred for the advertisers.
I know very much yesterday.
It was very new for next years.
Yeah, we did.
We did.
And I have forgiven you for all those take-offs you did
on all of us.
Very serious news people.
Oh, on the Saturday Night Live program?
On the Saturday Night Live program.
You were brilliant.
You were.
You were brilliant.
No, you were.
You were.
You really were.
Well, tell us about your garbage collecting day.
Joy's book is great.
Did you read it?
Oh, absolutely.
Thank you.
That was a very kind of book.
I really enjoyed that.
Joystick.
Say the name of the book.
I love all that.
Joy, Joy, Joystick.
We're coming back at the last segment.
We're talking hot topics.
And we're going to be discussing Star Wars.
Do you want to stick around and enjoy it?
And action.
Thank you.
Joystick.
You're going to come back.
And your minute is up.
Okay.
Be sure to catch the Norm show tonight at 9:30 Eastern, right here on ABC.
Later, Barbara's showing you her eye makeup secrets.
But when we come back, find out what you do every day that can really be bad
for your health.
We'll be right back.
I'm sorry. Go girl. We were there, we were there, all of us sitting here
instead of being at home. Anyhow, so unless you've been living under a rock,
Star Wars. I do not understand why people stand in line for days and days and
days. They can't see the movie in two weeks. I mean, they don't have jobs in
any event. So I went to see Star Wars. I have never seen any of the Star Wars
and I felt terrible about it until I learned that you never seen it. I never
saw the first one. No, I never saw any of them. No. You never saw anything? You
never wanted to see Star Wars? No, I never seen it. I never liked them. I don't
like those science fiction because my dad always hated them. And you know how
you're
you try to be what your dad, you try to be, you know what I mean? And I
remember when I was a kid, I watched that Twilight Zone. You remember that show?
Yeah. Yeah. And oh my God, my dad hated it because it was too fantastical and
he thought I should be doing the chores. And I remember one time me and my
brother were watching Star Wars.
My son was a bad guy to see Star Wars. Henry Schillers. Henry Schillers. Henry
Schillers. Henry, we only have two more minutes. I'm just going to give you a
little back story. But me and my brother were watching the Twilight Zone and
then my dad walked by and we were watching and we were all excited about this
Twilight Zone. And then my dad walked by and he looked at like the screen and
he said, I suppose this one's a goddamn ghost.
Oh, well that was funny. Okay. Anyway, we're going to give our quick review. So,
I had never seen it. I found all the, all of the, you know, the mechanical
figures and all of that. I thought that was fine, you know, but it was okay.
What'd you think?
Well, I'll tell you, I did love the pod race. That's the best part. There's
this race in the middle of it. I'm a big Star Wars fan because Harrison Ford,
let's see, he raced back in the day with the real original Star Wars.
Yeah, I hear that with the way back.
Yes, with my man Harrison Ford playing Han Solo. Now, that was in Star Wars.
Now, I have to tell you a confession, Barbara. I fell asleep for ten full
minutes in this Star Wars.
I have another confession. I have another confession. What happened? I did too.
You did?
Yeah, sort of in the middle. And you never go to Star Wars. No, you know what?
I'm not interested.
You know what happened? You know what happened when she fell asleep? Meredith's
husband had sex with her?
Yes. You might get a little bit of that if you weren't so busy fondling these
action figures.
Yeah, what are you doing with her? I mean, what are you talking about?
No, well, you know what? There's a psychiatrist, is it from Harvard? I think it
is, who's been studying these figures and noticed that their muscles are
getting bigger and boys have body images.
They don't talk about it, but they do body image problems. And part of it is
because of these action figures. They see these and they want to look like them
when they get bigger.
Now they have the same problems as girls.
Girls, yeah.
Well, what are you doing with that poor action figure?
Oh, I'm fighting. I am Tom Glavin. I will beat you.
That is, did you ever have a body image problem?
Yeah, because I'm really, really thin, so I always wear, like, lots of clothes
because I'm ashamed of my thinness.
No, seriously?
Yeah, look, you can put your whole hand around my wrist. See how tiny it is?
Most boys are built thin. That's not good for a boy.
I mean, if you want to look like this, boys now know that if they want to look
like this, they have to take steroids or turn gay.
That's how you look like this.
But you're very tall.
I was going to take those steroids.
Doesn't that make up for it?
You were going to take steroids?
Yeah, but then I found out, you know that they shrink your testicles?
Did you know that?
I thought that was the fun part.
You know what?
If you look at this little action figure, I'm telling you.
Unfortunately, we're out of time.
Oh, too bad.
And I have to say, Norm, that speaking as you just did, you fit right into this
panel.
And we may just add you every day to our hot topics, Norm.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Norm.
Thank you, Norm.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Thank you.

Can't Hear Norm Macdonald Talk with These Old Bags

Barbara Walters announced that she's retiring from The View.
Well, actually, she announced it five years ago, but no one could hear her over
those
yammering bitches.
See?
We all remember our first guest from Saturday Night Live, where, among other
things, he
hosted the Weekend Update, remember that?
But he was so committed to doing an imitation of Bob Dole, he even took Viagra
himself.
That is really -- now he's the host of his very own show right here on ABC.
It's called The Norm Shell.
Take a look.
The hearing is three o'clock.
And don't worry, because with the help of a little oxygen, you're going to be
as sharp
as a tack for that review board.
Oh, wow.
I just remembered where I left my Lincoln Logs in fifth grade.
In 1938, I killed a hobo.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be the best.
Do a little Bob Dole for us.
Bob Dole?
Would you?
You want me to do it?
It's a kind of old impression.
Make some of the news again.
It is?
Yeah.
Well, I try to work on new impressions.
You know what I mean?
Like fresh, torn from the headlines of the newspapers, of the journals, of the,
you know.
Well, he's in today's headlines.
You just do a little.
But I've got a Liddy Dole.
I'm working on new on Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Yeah, I do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Okay.
I'm Liddy Dole running for president.
Liddy Dole wants to be president.
He doesn't want to work at the blood bank anymore.
He wants to be president of the United States.
Liddy Dole.
Is that Bob Dole?
Is that Bob Dole?
Yes.
That is Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
No.
Bob Dole says, I'm Bob Dole.
Hello.
I'm Liddy Dole.
Oh, God.
I'm Liddy Dole.
You are sick, man.
Very good.
You know how sometimes, like when people are married for a long time, they
start to sound
like each other?
I think that's what happened with Bob and Liddy Dole.
I guess so.
You are really wild.
I mean, you're wild on that show and you're wild in person.
What?
Don't you think?
No, I think you're wild.
You're talking about Costa.
You hear us talking about the Friars Club roast and everything and, you know,
Joy is the
queen of the Friars Club.
I went to that Friars Club once.
I never seen a roast or anything like that, Joy, but I went one time.
I loved playing poker.
I had a bit of a gambling problem for a while and I couldn't get enough poker
games, right?
So this dude, he told me, you've got to go to the Friars Club, man.
There's a big poker game there, right?
I have to talk to four people here.
So I go to the Friars Club.
Barbara, are you listening?
Yes.
Barbara, are you listening?
Yeah.
No, I wasn't.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
No, I wasn't.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
No, I wasn't.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
He's definitely not.
You're not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
But let me tell you something else.
I would have sex with you while you were awake.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
We're going to get to the shower.
We're going to get to the shower.
You're such a novelty for me.
Go ahead.
This is my story.
This is my story.
And then I'm playing and then all of a sudden
this old dude next to me goes,
Ah, kid, just you got to show them what you're made of.
You insult them too.
You know?
So I'm like, oh.
So there's an old dude.
They're like 70 years old.
So I go, hey, they're an old dude.
You probably have had a few guys.
I've had sex with a few guys, right?
And he goes...
That's the story.
You know what I thought?
Okay, so I guess you don't need a punchline.
No, you don't need a punchline.
This is the new comedy joining.
The new comedians.
No punchline.
No, no.
If you think this one is funny,
then you have to see the Norm show now.
I have to actually write down your character.
He's a tax evading former hockey player,
sentenced to community service as a social worker.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
He just couldn't come up with a guy named Joe.
No, it's this person here.
Yeah.
But I'm told, even with this comic timing,
you can't remember your lines.
I can't memorize stuff.
You know what I mean?
I'm not good at memorizing.
We only have one minute, by the way.
You can read.
So what do you do though?
You can pass.
He wasn't holding up that finger, so go ahead.
Yeah, it hasn't happened yet.
What do you do?
What do you do?
You weren't listening?
What do you do?
How do you memorize?
How do you do?
They can't memorize things like,
because in each strip we get each week,
there maybe there's like six, seven hundred words.
Wow.
And you have to say them in order.
You know what I mean?
That's really hard.
That ain't easy.
What is it like on the set of that show with you?
What is it like?
Well, what do you mean?
What do I mean?
Well, because you're so average.
She thinks you're wacky.
Well, I'm just saying it's hard to memorize.
We're not walking around the set going,
Hey, you know.
So what are you?
So what are you doing?
You're being critical about that.
I know.
I love this show.
It's a great show.
It's a great show.
I have to do it.
No, what I do is, I try to, like sometimes,
if you watch the show, sometimes you'll see like,
I'll forget mine.
Not just have you on, we have to watch it.
You have to watch the show, yeah.
Oh, okay, okay.
No, but sometimes, uh, sometimes, uh,
geez, this is a long minute.
Sometimes, sometimes like, if you watch the show,
you'll notice, sometimes maybe during the show,
there'll be like, maybe something like,
sometimes like 20 minutes will pass
when nobody will say anything.
You know what I mean?
Because it was my line.
But there's ways to cover.
Sometimes I'll just read a newspaper.
You've admitted that you're lazy.
I think you've read six books in your life.
I've read six.
Six.
What kind of a woman would be attracted to you,
do you think?
Well, I have a lot of money.
Oh.
There we go.
And...
That's my line.
And...
There's a hit show
that they just announced yesterday
when we all transferred for the advertisers.
I know very much yesterday.
It was very new for next years.
Yeah, we did.
We did.
And I have forgiven you for all those take-offs you did
on all of us.
Very serious news people.
Oh, on the Saturday Night Live program?
On the Saturday Night Live program.
You were brilliant.
You were.
You were brilliant.
No, you were.
You were.
You really were.
Well, tell us about your garbage collecting day.
Joy's book is great.
Did you read it?
Oh, absolutely.
Thank you.
That was a very kind of book.
I really enjoyed that.
Joystick.
Say the name of the book.
I love all that.
Joy, Joy, Joystick.
We're coming back at the last segment.
We're talking hot topics.
And we're going to be discussing Star Wars.
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I'm sorry. Go girl. We were there, we were there, all of us sitting here
instead of being at home. Anyhow, so unless you've been living under a rock,
Star Wars. I do not understand why people stand in line for days and days and
days. They can't see the movie in two weeks. I mean, they don't have jobs in
any event. So I went to see Star Wars. I have never seen any of the Star Wars
and I felt terrible about it until I learned that you never seen it. I never
saw the first one. No, I never saw any of them. No. You never saw anything? You
never wanted to see Star Wars? No, I never seen it. I never liked them. I don't
like those science fiction because my dad always hated them. And you know how
you're
you try to be what your dad, you try to be, you know what I mean? And I
remember when I was a kid, I watched that Twilight Zone. You remember that show?
Yeah. Yeah. And oh my God, my dad hated it because it was too fantastical and
he thought I should be doing the chores. And I remember one time me and my
brother were watching Star Wars.
My son was a bad guy to see Star Wars. Henry Schillers. Henry Schillers. Henry
Schillers. Henry, we only have two more minutes. I'm just going to give you a
little back story. But me and my brother were watching the Twilight Zone and
then my dad walked by and we were watching and we were all excited about this
Twilight Zone. And then my dad walked by and he looked at like the screen and
he said, I suppose this one's a goddamn ghost.
Oh, well that was funny. Okay. Anyway, we're going to give our quick review. So,
I had never seen it. I found all the, all of the, you know, the mechanical
figures and all of that. I thought that was fine, you know, 